Violence...

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#1 Jun 29 - 9AM

rhiannon

Violence...

Thought I'd start a thread where we could share the violent behaviors of our N's. I've kept a list of the things mine has done... Has anyone dealt with any of these?

- Thrown and shattered a bar stool in the kitchen.
- Thrown and shattered glasses.
- Threatened to break my grandmother's dishes because I didn't comply with his demands.
- Held my neck from behind tightly and whispered in my ear, "do you think I'm a psycho?" I said... "no, of course not," and he replied, "good answer."
- Threatens that "things are going to get ugly" if I don't comply.
- Brings out loaded guns to play with (he has MANY).
- Punched a hole in the bathroom wall one night when he was frustrated with me.
- Threw his laptop and broke it because he got mad I took over the keyboard to help him look up something online.

#2 Jul 10 - 3AM

frances

odd things he did

Mine never was violent towards me...more the covert type but did some odd things over time....esp after drinking. - while watching tv, if i got up he would trip me or trap me in some way around the couch...one time he used his legs to trap mine so i couldn't move and landed flat on my chin biting my lip on the floor...as he laughed away - during sex he used to love to pin me down and tickle me to the point of tears. it was funny the first two seconds but after being pinned down for five mins and squirming and get very upset...as he laughed away - constantly loved to withold where we were going in the car for a quick errand he needed on the weekends.....i would ask normal questions a normal person would...and he'd say...its a surprise or youll see....it got very old time and time again - early on in the relationship, i told him that my pinkie toe if squeezed gave me the feeling of wanting to vomit....so what did he do? WHENEVER i was on the couch watching tv....he would pinch it, lift it up and have me in tears asking him to stop while he laughed away...and it wasnt funny at all...i was in pain I always felt like drinking wine brought this on....this picking on me. The first two years he loved me during this time together...cuddled me, adored me, and the last two years...it was PICK ON ME until I was clearly upset....as he laughed it all off as a joke or prank....even though I told him over and over, I didn't like it....IT HURT...but it never stopped his behaviors.

#3 Jul 9 - 6PM

WantMyLifeBack

Tried to throw me down the

Tried to throw me down the stairs, Choked me (a few times) lost consciousness a few also, Threw a book at my head... He always says he would never hit a woman because he was raised by women but he will choke the sh!t out of one.

#4 Jul 9 - 7PM (Reply to #36)

NancyM

Choking

That seems to be a favorite of theirs, and then they say "oh but I didn't bash you" I remember one of the most fascinating apologies I ever got was "But I stopped choking you when blood started to come out of your mouth" I responded that I would be eternally grateful that he had smacked me out first, otherwise I may not have been around to hear his fascinating apology. Of course he tried to turn it back on me to make it look like I had been the one to attack him because he had scratches (defensive wounds) all over his head. I think the most horrifying thing about being choked is that they do it with such calm, detached efficiency, and that blank empty look in their yes. I am hearing you wantmylifeback, so sorry you have experienced that.

Nevergoback

#5 Jul 9 - 8PM (Reply to #37)

WantMyLifeBack

They really do have their

They really do have their own rationale for ANYTHING they do. I think they actually think they are some how "better" than a someone that actually hits rather than chokes. WTF??? I remember when the whole Rhianna/Chris Brown thing I think it was was on tv and he actually said "She probably did something to piss him off. But you should never hit a woman like that." I zero words. Just looked at him with the blankest stare.

#6 Jul 9 - 8PM (Reply to #38)

NancyM

They can justify anything

They can justify anything with their twisted logic. In that episode he admitted choking me but not hitting me. I started bleeding out of my mouth because smacking me in the cheek caused the inside to be cut open against me teeth. So after his denial I told him it must have happened when I was trying to beat his fist up with my face and I hoped his fist was ok. Actually I can be such a smartass sometimes that I sit here and wonder how the hell I am still alive. lol

Nevergoback

#7 Jul 9 - 10PM (Reply to #39)

WantMyLifeBack

Yep...You're right...

Me too!! Sometimes its like well you're going to be an ass anyway so I might as well be a smartass lol. I'm sorry he put you through that:( but love the response.

#8 Jun 30 - 5PM

Susan32

"Managing your emotions"

When I was in my ex-P's freshman lab class (he was the professor), he'd tell me that I needed to manage my emotions. He'd sent me to the on-campus counselor (who was also a fellow professor/colleague) My grandfather had died recently, and DURING CLASS, he told me to "toughen up." His treatment of me as a student led me to going the therapist. Now, it strikes me as emotional violence, like shooting someone then sending them to the ER. He always told me that I needed therapy and that I needed to manage my emotions. For 4 years, I was the only student he treated that way. It was gaslighting. I don't feel bad for him (why waste pity on him, when there are the truly deserving?)--but I do feel bad for the students he targets. My college has a Facebook page. Alumni write recollections of their favorite professors;my ex-P is NEVER mentioned.

#9 Jun 30 - 1AM

broken23

drove the car while i was

drove the car while i was getting out, fell out of car, drove off pushed me into wall pushed me into floor pulled my hair stepped on my stomach what was mind numbing was every time he would just make up with sex or go out and play basketball as if nothing ever happened. however despite this i can still say the emotional abuse was far worse for me.

#10 Jun 29 - 9PM

Amy

Mine always said

Mine always said he would never hit a woman. But then when we got back together this time, he told me there were times he wanted to hit me but didn't. He never showed any sign of violence towards me. However - he would throw temper tantrums and beat his fists against the counter, throw things (such as dishes into the yard) and kick chairs over. That was just a few weeks ago.

#11 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #31)

Steph

Amy

"He never showed any sign of violence towards me. However - he would throw temper tantrums and beat his fists against the counter, throw things (such as dishes into the yard) and kick chairs over." Hitting walls, counters, throwing things. making threatening comments etc...All of those things are HUGE red flags that he would become physically violent towards you. If a man displays ANY of those things, it should not be taken lightly.....he needs to be dropped. He's showing signs of being a physical abuser. They do it to intimidate. And one day the counter top will be you. Even excessive tickling or "play" fighting can be abuse in disguise. It's so scary all the things we need to play close attention to to protect ourselves.

#12 Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #32)

Amy

Staying Strong...

I agree... While I never felt in any physical danger myself, I felt very intimidated when he would throw those tantrums! He actually liked it when he would rile me up enough to punch him in the arm. It was very weird! Usually I am extremely easy going.

#13 Jun 29 - 7PM

AnotherPath

Punched his windscreen

Punched his windscreen through when we were in the car punched my arm so hard I was knocked over at 7 months pregnant punched my face and gave me a black eye and punched my head several times hitting the floor kicked me when I was laying down ran me over with his car and I ended up on the bonnet shook me up and down on the bed punched someone else's windscreen through punched my head repeatedly whilst pinning me down punched my face and knocked me out, went to hospital in an ambulance with a suspected broken jaw. The last one he was convicted for. This is what you get when you stay too long. I was with him 8 years, once the verbal and psycho abuse wasn't working he became extremely violent. It's the next step after verbal abuse. Makes me cringe to think about this, it's like another world now I'm 2.5 years out.

Ending the dance

#14 Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #29)

Susan32

That's terrifying

It's horrible you had to go through that. Nobody should. I hope you are finding healing now. My ex-P engaged in verbal abuse--and it chills me to think I saw him as a potential boyfriend/husband/father. It would've escalated. I'm thankful he's out of my life.

#15 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #27)

James (not verified)

Thanks Anotherpath!

The last one he was convicted for. This is what you get when you stay too long. I was with him 8 years, once the verbal and psycho abuse wasn't working he became extremely violent. It's the next step after verbal abuse. Thanks for adding this statement and how very true it is! For if one does stay too long this is a very real threat for all victims. Even for men who stay too long this increase of violence can come at the end of a gun or some other type of weapon. If you know they are violent and are capable of violence please get the h*(L away from them asap!! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/

#16 Jun 29 - 10PM (Reply to #28)

NancyM

Anotherpath

Totally spot on with how you phrased that. It always escalates.

Nevergoback

#17 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

Lisa E. Scott

Anotherpath makes an important point

On Violence.... "This is what you get when you stay too long. I was with him 8 years, once the verbal and psycho abuse wasn't working he became extremely violent. It's the next step after verbal abuse." Thanks for sharing this. I'm so sorry for the pain you endured. Your courage is helping many. xoxo

#18 Jun 29 - 6PM

Susan32

Slamming chairs,etc

I never really saw my ex-P be physically violent. During the D&D, he and I were once in the computer lab. I acted as if he weren't there. He took the looong way out, and went around slamming in the chairs. I don't remember if he took out his anger on objects in freshman lab. But he would slam things if he were angry or felt things weren't going his way. I remember once when he tried to hide something from me, and he moved hastily. He acted like the victim. When I told him I knew his father was a famous and respected professor/researcher, he freaked out. In retrospect, he was probably afraid that I was going to "tell on him to Daddy." Paranoid as he was, I wouldn't be surprised if he had contacted his father in sheer panic, asking if I had contacted him. That must've been awkward for him (the father, not the ex-P) I've never communicated with his father.

#19 Jun 29 - 6PM

imabloke

Are they always violent?

I know this might sound weird... Are Narcs always violent? She (my exN) wasn't violent at all. Came across more like a shy wall flower (i think she's a covert N) Actually abhors violence. But i suppose being a woman... i just wonder sometimes perhaps i've got this wrong, perhaps she's not narcissistic perhaps it's something else. Still discovering.

#20 Jun 29 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

AnotherPath

No, narcs aren't usually

No, narcs aren't usually violent in fact I've read they aren't that prone to physical violence, more the verbal, game playing, pathological lying, brainwashing, envious, cold manipulators with no conscience.

Ending the dance

#21 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #23)

Steph

So would a narc that has

So would a narc that has violent tendencies be more closer to a sociopath/psychopath then?

#22 Jun 29 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

NancyM

Not always physically

No they can be very covert, but any form of abuse is violent imo. Either they are smashing you physically, mentally or emotionally. Whatever they think they can get away with is what they will do.

Nevergoback

#23 Jun 29 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

Happy1

I strongly believe my N

I strongly believe my N would be even more physically abusive with me if my ex husband weren't a cop. My ex would go over and kick his butt. But my ex husband doesn't understand the addiction and verbal abuse I'm receiving. I think it's far worse in the outside scars but I'm only speaking from my raw emotional pain. I know a physical beating is horrible. It's just the inside of me feels bruised on a daily basis.

#24 Jun 29 - 11AM

Janet

Liked to "playfully" lap me

Liked to "playfully" lap me across the face during sex Spanked me very hard during sex kicked me from behind (said "sorry, didn't think it would be so hard - just joking") Playfully" wrestled me for my phone, which he the broke. At the hospital parking lot after he ripped out his IV after he over dosed on xanax, booze and weed, he (in his boxers) chased me down and threw me down (spraining my ankle). Slapped me across the face when I was hysterical (wonder why) in the middle of night. I forgave him immediately, thinking it was my fault to have got so upset. Now I realize he could have tried a hug. I was upset because I could not get pregnant. Again I was crying downstairs, he came down picked me up, while calling to his 8 year old son to wake up and watch this, (thank God the little boy did not wake up) then he threw me against the wall and staring at me said, "quit your weeping". He hit a wall right next to my face and said, "you ruin everything" when I said I wanted to go to a concert with him last year on his birthday. Found out that he was planning on meeting a girl there. Peace. J

Peace. J

#25 Jun 29 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

Lisa E. Scott

My heart goes out to you all

My heart goes out to all of you who experienced such horrible violence. It's not right. I hope you know that the courage you have to share your story is helping so many right now. My EXNH did punch a hole through the bathroom door once while we were fighting. That was scary and he came close to losing it a few times, but I did not experience near what some of you did. We are so grateful for your honesty and bravery to share. Thank you.

#26 Jun 29 - 1PM (Reply to #17)

Happy1

playfully slapping on face during sex

My N has done this numerous times as well and I never knew what to make of it. I thought it was strange. He also threw me off the bed a few times and said he didn't know it hurt. This past weekend I was plugging the power in the boat on the side of the boat and he gave me a little push as to push me in the water and I can't swim. He also was biting me very hard on my back and wouldn't stop when he was drunk because he had the hiccups.

#27 Jun 29 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

rhiannon

Sounds familiar...

Xanax and booze? That's exactly what my N mixes everyday...

#28 Jun 29 - 9AM

Steph

My first

My first N: -punched/backhanded me several times. usually during a fight, but once because i beat him at a card game and once because i was acting like a "princess" in front of my grandparents. -threw a video at my knee -pulled my hair and banged my head into a shelf -pushed me onto ground -punched holes in doors and walls I was with him 7years. Second N: mostly emotional abuse, but signs were there it would get physical. - quick temper -red faced mad over me crying -broke a knife when mad at me for cutting brownies wrong lol -pushed me into wall when I tried to calm him down and put my shoulder on him. then he called police on me. -said "you don't want to see me mad" -grabbed my arm hard when we were fighting and i wouldn't get out of his car. then called police on me again. lol

#29 Jun 29 - 9AM

NinjaGirl

Not against me

But my ex once punched a wall at work because he was really angry at something that had happened at work. Broke something in his hand or wrist, too, and had to wear a cast for several weeks. He's raged and screamed at me. While I was apologizing. That's about the worst he ever did to me, besides the normal withholding affection and whatnot. Why I didn't leave then, I don't know. I would never have put up with physical abuse against me or anyone else, though. For as much as I let him emotionally abuse me (and boy, did it seem subtle at the time), I never would have let him put a hand on me in anger.

#30 Jun 29 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

Steph

NinjaGirl

" would never have put up with physical abuse against me or anyone else, though. For as much as I let him emotionally abuse me (and boy, did it seem subtle at the time), I never would have let him put a hand on me in anger." Never say never. I don't think anyone here that has ever been physically abused thought they would put up with it or stay. Amazing how these guys can bring you down. Glad you aren't with yours anymore:)

#31 Jun 29 - 9AM (Reply to #11)

MovinOnUp

Violence

Yeah, I never would have let anyone lay a hand on me in anger either -- until I met him. Year one he smashed shit all around me. Year two he pushed me -- wound up with rug burns on my knees that took months to heal. Year twelve he strangled me. I had two kids, thousands of dollars of debt due to a business we just started which I was co-responsible for. A few years later when we went for therapy I was sold down the river by a therapist who had been abused by her father and hadn't worked out her Daddy issues. (My N had been abused as a child.) Great! More guilt and pressure to make it work! A few years after that I got seperated but allowed myself to get hoovered in because I had no support system, even my own family kept pushing me back to him. I do like to think that I would have bolted in the blink of an eye if he laid hands on my kids. The funny thing is, I wasn't even close to being a girl that would tolerate any kind of abuse from a guy. I'd had four loving relationships prior to meeting him that I was the one to end. One I ended because the guy was upset that I cut all my hair off -- and I saw that as controlling! Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have guessed that I would have put up with as much shit as I have... because he is the only one I've ever taken any shit from without fighting back... which makes it even harder to explain the shit I've taken! Anyway, I understand what you mean. And maybe, just maybe, the less likely you are to take abuse, the more shame you feel for doing just that. I'm glad you're out too Ninja. Hugs

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