Waiting w Flowers

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#1 Jul 24 - 10AM
BadaBing
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Waiting w Flowers

Hi

I went out with a new guy friend last night , simple easy dinner and a movie to see Super 8, which was loud but good. (The child actors carried that movie!) We had good conversation it was nice to go out. I had butter on my popcorn too!

I got home around 11pm. I drove my own car and so I was by myself.

Ex was on my steps with flowers waiting for me. I could of drove off and left but I didn't. I sat down next to him on the steps and he told me right off the bat that he was sober and had not been drinking. He got up and handed the flowers to me I just sighed and looked at him.

He told me I looked nice and did I go out? I told him I had been out with a friend to see a movie nothing major. He proceeded to apologize for 'being out of control so much lately' and that he had been a 'mess of himself' and apologized for being mean and all he did around the therapy session. He said to me 'GOD Here I had this chance with you right in front of me , and I just had to squeeze all the life of that too." Interesting choice of words there.

I told him thanks for saying it and that he really didn't need to keep bringing flowers anymore and that I couldn't keep them, it was too much to have to smell them or look at them in a vase in my house, and it was hard for me too still. He said it was going to be hard for him for a long time, but that he sees now that I am not going to take him back. I told him that I didn't want him to be angry with me anymore for any thing and he said he really wasn't he just is angry that he was so stupid to fuck it all up.

I handed him the flowers back and told him I was going inside.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to slide on to his lap and hug him close.

I didn't do any thing. But he could see it in my eye I think.

He asked me to please let him come inside w me. He looked at me and said 'I never feel as good as I do with you, right now with you, nothing makes me this way". I told him I wish I could but that he has this way of pushing it so that I feel pressured to give him more and more, and that if he came in he may sit in the living room but we both knew that he was going to move me to the bedroom.

He just lowered his head, so defeated and sad.

He told me he was sorry again, he will always love me and got up and left without me asking him to leave or me walking away 1st. He just got up and walked away and didn't even look back at me. For this brief moment I felt a feeling of being abandoned by him (I don't understand that feeling) but, the way he just walked off head low, and it felt so strange and sad for me

maybe, we have turned a corner.

Jul 24 - 2PM
Susan32
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When my ex-N looked defeated and sad...

This was AFTER I had met the girlfriend he hadn't told me about&who had moved all the way from California to be with him! When he LOOKED defeated&sad (more like sorry for HIMSELF, not sorry for the consequences of his actions, my pain&perhaps confusion on his girlfriend's part)... all I did was SMILE. It creeped him out. It was a triumphant smile of superiority. It wasn't just "I've won" but "I have WON and your defeat is DELISH!" After the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof was the SAME WAY. He'd walk away without looking at me. He was like a little boy who had been told "No more cookies."
Jul 24 - 1PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

BADA

This guy is a hard one, Im not a fan of this Narc. He is taking you on such an emotional Rollercoaster. Seeing him is hard, try and avoid him from now on. My guess is three days from now you will see rage. Nice ,didn't get him anywhere. If he were normal your therapy idea would have been a way to your heart than Flowers. I have one word "SELFISH" You are so strong, you rock. I gave him a shot and he blew it, Hunter is not falling his ploys any longer. Im gald you see him for what he is Hunter
Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #24)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

yes

Just a hard day for some reason. His pattern has been nice sweet mean aggressive nice sweet mean sweet rinse and repeat so just will give it time but there was something different this last time I can't shake
Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #31)
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

In my estimation the

In my estimation the something new this time was he walked away quietly, and you felt that it might really be over. Remember that we hope beyond hope that these relationships will be healed and that we will live happily ever after together. Maybe you felt that potential ending of the dream fantasy when he walked away, and it made you sad. It made me sad when it happened to me. Normal emotional reaction, I think. He probably isn't done trying. But that isn't pertinent. What is vital to know is that all the plows and games and manipulations and masks are being presented to you by a Narcissist. A play, a show, a movie, a projection of what he thinks you want to see that will make you take him back. He had one goal last night, and that was to get you back under his spell. Now he is the nice, self-effacing, sorrowful Narc...only a mask to entice you. He didn't blow the therapy thing. He handled it like a Narc...tried to use it to win you back on his terms. In his world there will always only be his terms. The therapy situation was just another example...showing up at your door again, boundaries mean nothing to him...bringing flowers makes the trespass ok??? Letting go of the belief that we need them to be happy can be hard, even in the face of all of the unhappiness they have brought. It isn't the narc that holds us back. It is inside of us that resistance to move forward resides. Good job on the path, Bada! ds
Jul 25 - 12AM (Reply to #25)
Littleone
Littleone's picture

He's just trying a new angle

He's just trying a new angle cos nothing else is working- it's that simple. Don't buy into it. Drive away next time :)
Jul 25 - 9AM (Reply to #26)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Littleone nailed it here,

Littleone nailed it here, Badabing. He's trying for a new angle. These guys can get really "creative". Plan A didn't work so he went to Plan B. That didn't work so he went to Plan C. Just like xnh was with my NC, yours is getting to about Plan Q. It doesn't mean that he's giving up, it merely means that he needs another plan. I would be watchful for him. The next time he surfaces, he'll have another tactic to try. It's NOT about love or remorse with the narc. It's about control...it always is with them. Face it, this is person that's been stalking you and went to jail for his behavior towards you. He's most likely NOT just going to give up and go quietly away into the sunset right now. Don't buy into it. Maintain your NC, pay attention to your surroundings, and go on with your life. Hang in there. You're doing great. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #30)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@ Myst

Thank u I am going my best funny Plan Q!! or Plan X, Y , Z! He has not tried to contact me once since friday ...so will see. thanks
Jul 25 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
spinning
spinning's picture

bada, sweet, braveheart, I'm going to

echo little one and myst here. It's a new ploy. It is designed to make you feel sad and like you're the bad one because the poor dejected little boy had to walk off with his head hanging low. You have asked him time and again to stop contacting you. To give you however many days. To cut it out. He doesn't because you let him. You are nice to him, you respond with compassion and real feelings. This gives him power. After you TOLD him you couldn't accept the flowers, couldn't go back and after he SAID he knew you wouldn't take him back he STILL TRIED to push your boundaries and get inside your house. You told him the truth of what you were feeling--that that would lead to more than you wanted. That's just the HINT he needs to keep coming at you. And he will. Stop letting him. Please. He has no right to your life any longer. You have NO OBLIGATION TO TELL HIM what you are doing, when and with whom! Bada, he does not think like you do. The others are right here. IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL. And he is still controlling you. He KNEW this new dejected little boy ploy would have you scratching your head and feeling sorry for him in your heart. What a MASTER. You've not seen the last of him until you walk in the other direction whenever you see him. This guy's dangerous...like the one I was involved with. Please don't make the same mistake I did. You will just waste more time. PLEASE NOTE THAT EVEN IN THE LITTLE PORCH CONVERSATION HIS ACTIONS DID NOT MATCH HIS WORDS. That is all the information you need to know what you are dealing with. I wish you the best braveheart. You are strong and capable and this person will mess with that if you let him. You have a whole fantastic NARC/Borderline free life ahead of you and it is indeed grand! I know because it's happened to me. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!

spinning

Jul 25 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

thank u spinning

I appreciate you insight and comments always! I am too nice, I know that, I am too forgiving. i was just saying to a friend that I was not holding a grudge against him, it is just not me to hold grudges, and maybe I have been waaaay to forgiving with him. I am still working on it. It is a slow process for me. I am beginning to see my own improvement for the 1st time since I left however. I was thinking just yesterday that although I have messed up a few times I haven't done the major things that would be total set backs for me. It was hard to resist, and hard to watch him walk away. It will get easier, he has not contacted since and I am still NC as much I can be if he doesn't show up. Sometimes I just get tired of running, and also sometimes I want so badly to just be on good terms. It may not be possible or imporatant any more.
Jul 25 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
Used
Used's picture

spinning

so well said..and so well thought out....very insightfulxx
Jul 24 - 12PM
Journey
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You are so strong Bada, don't

You are so strong Bada, don't worry about the sadness you feel, it is only natural that you would. You said "He just got up and walked away and didn't even look back at me. For this brief moment I felt a feeling of being abandoned by him" My exN left me feeling this way so often I've lost count. It is such a sadness, hard to describe. He may be giving you what you want now, it may seem that he has turned a corner and will now back off OR this may just be another tactic he has yet to try, to win your sympathy, to hope that you feel sad enough to change your mind. I'm not saying that I think this is what he is doing, but it crossed my mind, so be prepared that it might be. I am inspired by your strength Bada - you HAVE turned a corner... I'm just not so sure about him. ((hugs))

Journey on...

Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
BadaBing
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thank u Journey

I don't feel strong, thank u for saying so but it really doesn't fee like strength. so true on his actions and only time will tell
Jul 24 - 3PM (Reply to #22)
Journey
Journey's picture

It IS strength Bada... your

It IS strength Bada... your will to recover and following your instinct to do the right thing for you now is VERY courageous!! That is major strength in action and truly inspirational!!!!! ((hugs))

Journey on...

Jul 24 - 12PM
Smarter-thanthis
Smarter-thanthis's picture

Wow, bedabing.....I don think

Wow, bedabing.....I don think I would have been able to do that right now. Question, do you think, had you given in, That 2 weeks from now you would be back to square one? I got an "I miss u text.....I am heartbroken" The other day.......I did nothing.......ThAT was hard enuff for me. He was spotted out last night with another girl.........hand all over her ass. Do you think your narc was sincere?
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #18)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@Smarter

I absolutely do think he was sincere there was something about the way he up and walked off basically saying I will always love you I am sorry Goodbye it felt very different to me but that does not mean he is not a narc that is convincing! that does not mean any thing other than maybe he is now beginning to accept that it's over and he has been prolonging the pain for both of us NC is hard for me but NC From him hard too for me I have been so so mad and angry and hurt that it has helped me to insulate my self from him I have left town to get away When I think about since he cheated I have been running away and making it difficult for him I never slept with him again, never gave in just kissed him. So it makes sense that he is finally reaching the point where he doesn't have it in him to keep trying. I believe he is sorry, I believe he does regret what he did, but do I believe he can change? no. I don't. That is who he is , he will always be a man that will be at risk to cheat , no matter who he is with or for how long. This is a painful experience but I have learned enough up to this point right now that I KNOW I will never go back to him, we will not be together again. Also he was not drunk or under the influence so he was present and there with me in a way that i relish with him, I felt like he was LISTENING to me finally. He asked to come inside with me. I know better. It is up to me to maintain that boundary and show no weakness or he will push him self on me and I don't know that I can resist him or turn him away once his lips are on mine. I felt he was different last night, but some narc expects would tell me this is just another tactic, attempt , switching up the mainpulation - walk away from her, don't call her, leave her wondering - only time will tell. thanks for your comments
Jul 24 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
happysoon
happysoon's picture

I told mine to go to therapy

I told mine to go to therapy and quit drinking after i ended it with him because he said he wanted another chance... I told him if he does these things i will think about it... He didnt do them, but he SAID he did...he also said that he is a better man because of me and that he can't apologize enough for what he put me through... really??? they why are you still LYING??? my point is, they don't change....the pain they feel is not usually about what they did to us...but the fact that WE left them...it's self pity and they will try everything they can to get us back... you are unbelievably strong!! and feeling sad is completely normal because you have true feelings, sympathy and empathy... hang in there! :-)
Jul 24 - 11AM
Jax
Jax's picture

you did good

You did a really good job. Its truly amazing how alike these people are. Except for the flowers, I had the same story. Why do they always appear when we are starting to get to happy? You were clear and honest and good for you!
Jul 24 - 11AM (Reply to #16)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

being nice

Hi Jax for me isn't the soft approach that is so hard to deal with, when he is kind and listens and respects what I have asked for and then gives it to me , this is has been a difficult process , cheating is awful to deal with and leaving and moving was hard and NC is hard but the reality of him no longer in my life - is a new phase for me altogether. It is amazing because logically I know it's only been one day, but it has been one important day of change.
Jul 24 - 11AM
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Maybe WE(???) have turned a corner

Bedabing, First of all congratulations on being so strong and clear last night! But PLEASE don't go back. You have been abused and are trying to get out of that WE! That is why you are here. He is sad for himself, not for you. And he'll do anything to get you back. He still knows how to play with your feelings and how to touch you and thus get back in touch with you. Having been in a highly abusive 2nd marriage for more than 20 years, I know it is terribly hard. And I am 58 years old now and just started dating again after 2 years of being alone, and I just found out that I still tend to pick out abusive men - and tend to believe them. The only good thing is that now it takes a few days for me to recognize the pattern. Found this site last week when I searched for 'gaslighting' online, and found this is a wonderful and safe place to go to and get help and support. Please look at the list of signs. Look at it every day to support you. And be strong. And then you(!!!) can turn the corner by yourself without looking back. My best wishes for you. You can do this! 58 and going strong
Jul 24 - 11AM (Reply to #12)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

thanks 58

I understand entirely what you are pointing out. I understand. I am prepared I accept it, and I grieve ---not fighting the end. Yes 'we' may of turned a corner, no matter what I am connected in this experience with him (in my head at least) so I think of this in terms of 'we' because he and I are feeling these things. I am just sad today. I will be strong, thank u!
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #13)
58 and going strong
58 and going strong's picture

Feelings

BedaBing, It is perfectly o.k. to feel sad and go through the necessary grieving process in order to be able to end a relationship and find closure. What raises my awareness ist that on this site it is mentioned over and over again that narcs usually don't have feelings of empathy or similar like we do. And they are supposedly perfect actors. Yet you say he is feeling the same as you. I believe he is acting to keep you involved in his "supply chain" for whatever his needs are. And as you were so great last night, his 'performance' has to improve accordingly. I found that the losses I was dealing with were more those of my own illusion of having been loved the way I loved. It is still hard for me to acknowledge that someone who looks and ACTS so apparently normal can be so off and sick in his head and not feel like I do and as is human. We have been dealing with monsters in the disguise of a 'normal' human body. Do you have support in form of therapy?
Jul 24 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@58&GS

Yes I recently started therapy literally in my second week with this new therapist. I don't know how helpful it is yet, as i don't get much feedback regarding what to do or coping methods yet. I have been on this forum for roughly 10 weeks now and in the start I was extremely traumatized from witnessing his cheating. I do not like to think about it. I can relate when you write about illusions that we create in our own minds. Also something that Dazed said about how we believe that this love is genuine , special and real. When 1st came to this forum I did not really think he was a true NPD Narc rather just had Narc traits, the longer I have been here read the stories that seem so similar I see his is a Narc and others pointed out he was abusive before I came to see it. I also find so many things that ring true about his nature in Sam Vaknins writting/info about Narcissism. This has been sort of an unveiling for me. I find I discover aspects and sides to him that I didn't realize were there even after 3 years living together. I see looking back that one reason is because our life together was perfectly supplying him in the exact way he wanted, well not so perfect if he cheated right? so the supply chain does change up, it will only be stable for so long before the N's has to have something new and exciting, they are bored easily. He fooled me in that I constantly have to remind my self that I MAY be being manipulated and he may be lying. The truth is that since I moved out and left him, I have realized how naive I was and blinded by love for him. thank u so much for reaching out to me
Jul 24 - 11AM
dazed
dazed's picture

Good outcome

Well, that turned out better than I thought when I started reading. I was concerned this was going to be another disaster. Perhaps you two have turned the corner. You showed amazing strength and compassion. I would have been so tempted to just walk on by maintaining NC. I am still concerned that he may pop up again. Still the conflict in your post in that you still can't be together yet you wanted to hug him is heart wrenching. We have all felt this and it is so difficult. You are doing so well. Very proud of you, bada.
Jul 24 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

lump in my throat

Dazed I have had a lump in my throat all morning, crying is easy today. I don't know what it is maybe the back and forth tug but it felt like that was it, and he was literally giving up on me when he walked away. I know it doesn't need to be that way in my head, that I shouldn't think of it like that, just feel so much sadness. I didn't care about breaking NC, I want so badly to be on good terms. I didn't mind speaking, I knew it could of gone badly too, it is a toss up with him. I checked my phone this morning, the old phone. No texts or emails since friday. I have no idea why I am so sad today.
Jul 24 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
dazed
dazed's picture

You have made a little more

You have made a little more progress down this impossible path. You were with him so long and you had so much invested. Perhaps a real ending that is happening on terms that you would like is now percolating through your head and heart. It is so natural to feel sad, I think. I have had the crying and sadness thing too. It comes and goes. I think you are doing great. Cry if you need. Feel sad. You are working through this and you are getting better. Take good care of yourself today (and everyday). You are worth it. Let's hope your N really gets it, but always be prepared. Hugs to you.
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #9)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

@ Dazed

You know the part of me that loves him - my heart that loves anyone, my family friends etc - finds it possible to believe in unconditional love and that I WISH SO BAD that I could make everything ok and to work out for us BUT after all the reading and learning and the TRUE REAL Stories the chance of that being GOOD for me in the long run? isn't a realistic bet! so I a so sad so sad that this isn't real love that we fail more that we succeed in love that we won't be successful in our attempts and they will only bring pain/lessons and moving on again I wonder who it is that will be that person that I will love truely madly deeply and will never give up on them and they will never give up on me
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
dazed
dazed's picture

Bada

For a while it seemed like real love, didn't it? How do you tell the difference? That is scary to me. Next time I am certainly going to be more guarded. This experience makes me look at people with a filter of distrust and will (hopefully) prevent me from getting too involved too quickly. This is one of life's experiences that we will draw from for the rest of our lives. Unconditional love? Not sure I believe in it anymore. I have been deceived and I am reluctant to trust anyone without them proving themselves for a lengthy period of time. Just a protective mechanism. I don't want to be used again.
Jul 24 - 11AM (Reply to #6)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

yes I will cry

thank you for your words today Dazed In short, he is giving me what I want and asked for now (maybe?) I didn't expect it to come last night, asked for it yes, but didn't expect it. To see him withdraw from me is painful, what I wanted, but still very hard to deal with. thanks for your support today.
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #7)
Reddley
Reddley's picture

I understand this completely.

I understand this completely. I'm having a bad day too... just not as bad as yours. After my final outburst at my ex N at work he knew right then it was my way - not this let's be friends thing he had in mind. The second he realized it, he looked like I tore his heart out. He's been withdrawn, sad and miserable looking at work and hasn't said much more to me then a cordial "Hey". He won't even look at me. This IS what I wanted... this IS what I need. So far he is complying. It still hurts me very much to think wow I did that to him. I am such a cruel coldhearted bitch...regardless of what he did to me, how can I be so mean? I did what I had to do... just as you did what you had to do. At the end of the day... you and I both know that both of our Ns are simply mourning the loss of an object. Yours made every desperate attempt to regain the object. Not you as a human being. He may seem kinder and gentler etc for a time... but you know he will get comfortable and go back to being himself. You deserve better then that as do I.
Jul 24 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
BadaBing
BadaBing's picture

Wow Reddley

you totally summed it up At the end of the day... you and I both know that both of our Ns are simply mourning the loss of an object. Yours made every desperate attempt to regain the object. Not you as a human being. AMAZING INSIGHT thank u Red!!! We all deserve better our healing is ENTIRELY up to us our healing takes work, hard work separation from imeshment is difficult too but I see now that one of the reasons these relationships are so hard to recover from is due to the intensity of the Narc attention, affection and total dominance in our hearts & heads too I am just now getting unglued from his side!