Was your N a copycat?

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#1 Apr 8 - 12AM
narcissizednomore
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Was your N a copycat?

In this I mean, did he buy the same things you had or copy things you said, words you used, etc.

Mine often bought the same wine or beer I drank, once bought almost the same ski boots for his wife that I had and also bought the same brand of golf drivers that I had for himself. He did this with music too...claimed to like what I liked but I know that he really preferred country music.

He also wore second hand shirts that he called Kramer shirts (after the Senfield character)that were always strange-looking. It was as if he didn't have any personal style or taste of his own. I wouldn't doubt it if he is now dressing like Charlie Sheen ffs.

He used to also repeat words of wisdom or advice that he heard other parents say, to his own kids.

I can probably think of many more examples but I'd rather hear yours.

Do they just not have any real opinion of their own when it comes to personal style, values, principals, taste?

I'm curious whether this is a common trait of an N.

Apr 8 - 4PM
Susan32
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YES!!!

The ex-Psych prof would imitate my mannerisms, my speech... you name it. Once, I went to the coffee shop with him and he ordered the same things I ordered... asking him why, he said, "It's to show how ridiculous you are." He said that he didn't like coffee and chocolate, but he ordered the chocolate croissant&the coffee... because I had. Yet he wanted me to imitate him. If I wore a dress or skirt instead of pants... he'd get mad&call me a slut (out designer Tim Gunn would say that is NOT "making it work") He knew "War and Peace" by heart... he can quote passages like it's nobody's business. He'd be dismissive of my grief for my grandfather, because Prince Andrei is dismissive of his pregnant wife's pain. He'd say I was "preocuppied with trivialities" because that's what Andrei thinks. His position on abortion "abortions for most everyone, and little flags for everybody else" came straight from a recent "Simpsons" episode (it's the one in which the aliens impersonate Bob Dole&Bill Clinton) He'd compare himself to Leo Tolstoy and me to Leo's wife Sofia... because he&I had roughly the same age difference. The ex-P's lecture on Augustine&Wittgenstein consists of quotes from both philosophers... NO ideas of his own. Since I've written about religion, philosophy, and Augustine's "Confessions",he no longer considers himself a philosopher of religion or an expert on Augustine... Somehow I upped the ante... and he got PUNK'D!!!!!
Apr 8 - 6PM (Reply to #20)
Susan32
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Validation

The ex-Psych prof would often say that he was a teacher because his father was a teacher. I remember him once telling me "Don't be a teacher just because I'm one." While that was good advice... consider the source. Sometimes I think the ex-P sabotaged my teacher education program because I was somehow stealing his fake identity (and running up charges, finance charges, late fees) I realized that the ex-P tended to steal from his mentors. His whole routine in lab class talking about how meat eaters come down with mad cow disease... comes from his UVA mentor Cora Diamond. He stole her WHOLE ARGUMENT. If his father said it, he's probably said it. Sometimes snooping is painful and NOT worth it. But I've come to the realization "He has NO original ideas. I have NOTHING to envy." His behavior is not that different from my nephew. When you raise your arms, he does the same thing. My nephew will clap if you're clapping. But my nephew is a year old... and the ex-P... is almost 50 years his senior. And a tenured professor. My "Tenured Toddler" expression fits. And if it fits, USE IT!!!
Apr 8 - 12PM
prettypeeved
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There's definitely some stuff

There's definitely some stuff he seemed to "absorb" from me, but the strangest one seemed to actually be off TV. He insisted he had medals for ballroom dancing, despite the fact that he always clumped along like he was missing a few joints somewhere, and despite the fact that whenever I've heard his dancing described, the word "awkward" usually gets in there somewhere. I swear he made it up based on some reality TV show.
Apr 8 - 11AM
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

Yes, xnh did this. He

Yes, xnh did this. He actually referred to himself as a chameleon soon after we met. He said that he takes on the traits of those around him. Of course, one of the first times he said this, we were having a fight, and he was trying to tell me that his anger was all MY fault because he'd "taken on my traits". lol. Soon after we met, he also stated that he's a voracious reader because I am. He told me he loved science fiction because I do. He started saying that he loves art, music, and going to museums like I do. It was all what one of my friends refers to as "weasel words" used to hook me into his realm. Xnh soon started raging at me because the only things he really wanted to do were go see his mommy, play with RC cars, and talk about Ford Mustangs. When I would get bored at the race tracks, car dealer's, his mommy's, or try to get him to go to a museum, art show, etc. that I was interested in (and he had professed to be), he would attack me and put me down about my interests. I had never before, in my entired life, known that I could be criticized for reading a book, but xnh managed to tear into me multiple times about it. Of course, my computer graphics hobby, also, soon became "sitting on my lazy butt playing on the computer" according to xnh, and museums were "too expensive and a waste of time". Now if he wanted to go to a restaurant that his mommy loved, and it cost $75 a plate, that's was "affordable". rofl. Mostly, I think he didn't want to do anything that wasn't all about him, and if I wanted to do it, he'd make sure that I didn't get my wish. Xnh said that he was interested in the same things I am when we first met, but it was all just illusion. What he really was doing was gathering personal information to use against me at some later date. Revealing my personal intimacies was a way for me to connect with xnh, and hopefully become closer to him. However for him, anything intimate I told him was merely ammo that would be thrown back into my face whenever he thought it could used to hurt me the most. My secrets and personal interests were merely artillery for xnh. Thus, after I'd been hurt this way several times, I stopped revealing anything intimate to him. IMO, that NOT much of a way to have a relationship with someone. But then again, all of us here most likely already know that any relationship with a narc is a one-way street (and that one way is all about the narc). lol. :)

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Apr 8 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Great subject, and YES

the disordered one I was involved with mirrored me in a big way, especially in the beginning. It was mind boggling. He'd say the same things I would say to him to calm him down or help him in some way to me and others... ...he totally changed his look (buttoned up, khakis, military cop thing) to hippie boy, college dude, etc. I got a tattoo. He got a tattoo. I have a motorcycle. He got a motorcycle. At first I was flattered and thought my love was 'allowing' him to be his true self, to be more spiritual and free...now I know he was completely empty inside, like a hollow shell without any moral compass. YUCK! I'm glad you started this thread. I think it's a very common trait as they have nothing inside of them and choose us for the good qualities they wish they had. sincerely (slowing down again from) spinning

spinning

Apr 8 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Spinning......it was the same

Spinning......it was the same for me. At first I was flattered...... then it got creepy feeling. Then I felt like I was robbed of all that was ME and all the things I loved. Then to hear my words taken and used against me.... ugh! Such robots! ~KG
Apr 8 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

COPYCATS

So ridiculous. Our arguments went like this: Me: "I don't feel you really want this anymore." Narc: "Me neither." Me: "I feel like I can't trust you." Narc: "Me neither." Me: "I really want this to work." Narc: "Me too." Me: "I just don't know how to fix it." Narc: "Me neither." Narc: "Ok. No more talking. Take off your clothes." I would watch him talk to people when we went places, rarely. It was like he was reciting from a script. We saw a woman at a party whose husband had passed away the year before. He said, in a very measured way, "Hello, how are things going for you and your family? It's really like loseing a part of yourself when a family member passes away, isn't it?" It seemed like he had practiced it in a mirror. Another time, we passed a couple on our block who was expecting a baby. He said, "How are you feeling?" to the woman, and made small talk with them. I was fascinated, as the narc never seemed to care about anyone. When they were gone I said, "Do you care about how she feels? Do you care that they are having a baby?" He said, "No. But aren't you supposed to ask about it?" I truly think a big part of the reason he got a foster child was because I had kids. I used to ask him "Are we EVEN now?"
Apr 8 - 9AM (Reply to #14)
terri
terri's picture

mine did this too

I think the "me too" and the "me neither" crap was just to bring the focus back to him. Any and everytime I would try to talk about my feelings or my needs, he would ALWAYS find a way to avoid having this discussion and would always make it about HIS feelings and needs. Just more narc BS!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

Apr 8 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

You're sample conversation

You're sample conversation almost makes me laugh because it sounds like so many I had! My N's favorites were.... "I know".... "me too".... and "ditto" :) Her "caring questions" were mostly just her gathering information. And I also had the feeling she was always trying to stay even with me! What freaks! ~KG
Apr 8 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

Socially-inept.

Yes!!! Uggggghhh... "Me too" "The feeling's mutual" "Me neither" My favorite while texting...the dreaded " :) " I just asked you a question you f*cking moron, :) is not an answer!! And if I EVER asked him something starting with the word "when...?" The answer was always... "Soon" "Soooooooon" "I hope soon" "I look forward to it" It all makes me sick to my stomach.
Apr 8 - 9AM (Reply to #13)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

OMG!

I totally forgot about the :) Mine did that in answer to questions, but more often, it was "I LOVE YOU" or 'xoxo" in response to things like, "Where are you?" or "Where are you going?" or "When are you going to talk seriously with me?" arrrrggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apr 8 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

or how about..... "let's play

or how about..... "let's play it by ear".... "we'll see if something works out" Ha ha..... it's feels good to laugh about this freaky shit! :) ~KG
Apr 8 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
brusiedbutterfly
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or Let's take it day by day

My Narc EX - loved that line, "lets take it day by day" or "Lets just enjoy the moment" or "I'm happy the way things are right now"
Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

LOLOLOLOLOL

YES!!!!! "One day at a time" "Of course...." "Back at ya' " "What do you think?" or "You tell me." (then after I answer it was always "yes, you're right" or "exactly") If I tried to explain why I was mad at him or gave him the silent treatment for a few days, it was always "no explanation needed." (Of course, because HE never wanted to explain.) ...and you know what else? If I ever asked him if there was a good time that day to talk, he would answer my question with a question. Me: Do you have some time later so we can talk about this? Him: What time's good for you? Me: Sometime between 5:00 and 7:00 Him: Oh, I have a meeting and then straight to church. Me: Ok, maybe another time. Him: I look forward to it. Of course, it would never happen. But notice how he came out looking like "the nice guy" on that one?! every. single. time. He would corner me into a timeframe and then he "wouldn't be available" during that time.
Apr 8 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
Veronrose
Veronrose's picture

That sounds like mine. Do you

That sounds like mine. Do you think it's because they just can't see their future with anyone? Mine said to me once, "Life comes one day at a time....may I suggest we take it as it comes?" And when I asked him where it was going with his new woman he said "I don't know where it's going, or if it's going anywhere." Always so evasive.
Apr 8 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Finally Faced It
Finally Faced It's picture

Saying something and nothing all at once

Totally. So evasive. And the overly formal way of speaking with the "May I suggest...." Ya, mine told me the same about his girlfriend. I asked "Are you happy with her?" he responds "FFI, it is what it is. We spend quality time together when our schedules permit." Huh?? Me: "You didn't answer my question. I asked if you were happy with her. I mean truly happy. I just wonder because if you're so happy with her, why do you want me in your life?" No response. Now I know why.
Apr 8 - 7AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

OMG!......YES! My N is a

OMG!......YES! My N is a female and this was particularily prominent with her. At first I thought it was kind of cute....she would like all the things I liked. We would end up with a lot of the same clothes and household items. She would say "you have such great taste" or "great minds think alike," heard that phrase MANY times. I am a giver, probably like a lot of women on this board, I found myself buying two of many things and giving her fun gifts. I do that occasionally for my other friends as well, if I see something they would LOVE I get it and surprise them with it. But then things got weird....like they always do with them! Pretty soon it got to feeling competitive. We'd go shopping together, she'd see what I liked and then go buy it later. I started training for a half marathon and she wanted to do that too. I'd run this many miles, then she'd tell me she ran further. I tried to talk to her about it and reassured her that I didn't feel at all competitive with her, we're on the same side and in fact I was her biggest cheerleader (ugh!...that makes me want to barf now!) Later during the devalue stage, she would belittle things that I liked. She would host this same group of people for fun maybe once or twice a month....to have some drinks and visit.One of the things that really bugged me got started at a New Year's eve gathering. I asked if I could help and bring something, she I could bring whatever I wanted. So I decided, just for fun, to make some fun flavored jello shots. I made 3 or 4 different flavors and colors and brought whipped cream. Everyone at the party thought that was so fun....it was a really big hit for some reason. Anyway, after that...she would ALWAYS make jello shots for every gathering there after. One time I said, since you're hosting, I can make the jello shots. She said, no that's ok, I'll do it. I persisted just to see what would happen and she literally refused...never let me make them again. One of the last straws for me happened over Christmas. I found some really cute snowflake lights and hung them under the front porch. Within 24 hours, she bought the exact same lights and hung them the exact same way under her front porch. I asked her about that, she turned it around on me. I was watching her too close and got accused of stalking her! Anyway....I could go on and on!!! But I'll spare you :)
Apr 8 - 12AM
becsta777
becsta777's picture

yep!

Mine did that stuff too. After he left, I hung out with the guy he lived with for four years and realised that the narc had cloned himself in his image. Even down to mannerisms and speech inflections. It was really creepy. Also, when he first began to 'hunt' me, he claimed to like everything I liked. It was uncanny the way we had so much in common. Later on of course, I realised we really had nothing at all in common, it was all just the mask he was wearing for me. The more I think about it all, the more it feels like a b-grade horror flick. The narc is one scary dude! Who the hell lives inside him?
Apr 8 - 12AM (Reply to #3)
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Damn I love that

Damn I love that question.."who the hell lives inside him"..really good question

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

Apr 8 - 12AM
ImStrong
ImStrong's picture

Its like they want to be down..but hate you

Yes..yes..and yes..he copied everything..i model ..so he models..now hes at every fashion show during fashion week.. I talk a certain way he copies..takes my words... Even from my posture and the way I sit..he took..and the way I walk..he was actually holding my hand outside trying to walk evenly with me and showing how he can walk like me.. My mom is a big time narc..the woman steals everything I say..do and wear..even what I eat she wants.. She critisizes my fashion say im to sexy..to loud then buys what I wear but hates how it looks on her so she takes it back..amazing They are so jealous and envious...

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess