The way he smelled...

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#1 Jul 26 - 9PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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The way he smelled...

I miss the way he smelled. I miss feeling his arms around me. I miss the way I felt everytime I saw him, I just adored him. His charming shyness. The way he looked at me. AND TO SIT HERE THRU THE TEARS AND KNOW IT WAS ALL A HUGE FUCKING LIE, ALL OF IT. HOW DO THEY DO IT? WHY DID IT ALL SEEM SOOOOOO REAL? I never felt so much love for anyone or FROM anyone. How insane is that? I AM SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. WHY DO I "MISS" A MAN THAT DID THE PAINFUL THINGS HE DID AND SAID??? WHY??? DO I ASK GOD???????? WHAT WOULD HIS ANSWER BE?? WHY DID GOD LET ME GO THRU THIS? WHAT WOULD HIS ANSWER BE???

Jul 26 - 11PM
April (not verified)
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antidote to the N

Sometimes I read through these and I would swear it was the same person. I miss everything about mine you are describing. It is palpable. Sometimes throughout this process I even wondered if I could perpetuate the lie and live with him anyway, like I could be some kind of N tammer. LOL. That is hilarious I know, but I lived in this fantasy for a while. There was a time when I was so desperate that I would've. That time has passed. I am left with the disillusionment of it all. I know I will never be the same again. I felt everything you are talking about. I really really get it. It did seem sooooo real. For us, it was. One of the last things I told him was this, "You missed it. You missed the whole thing, the love, the joy, the bliss that could've been us and was us for me. I experienced all of it and you missed it. I am sorry for that. Maybe one day you will have the courage to be yourself and let someone love you for you." I know that is positively laughable now; I had not really gotten to the bottom of what was going on; I was just scratching the surface. You know, he brought out the best and the worst that was me. Everything good and right thing about me, I was with him. I had the courage to love whole heartedly and purely; what a blessing, and one he did not recieve. You can't be too hard on yourself for missing a man that did horrible things to you. Remember: you also believed him to be someone else in the beginning. He was loving, warm, supportive, and charmingly shy. Mine was all of those things. He was fantastic. The "fake" him was my dream man. People referred to us as the perfect power couple. We all loved that about our N. Your shock and disbelief kept you around after the veil was lifted. You couldn't even belief what you were witnessing and experiencing. When it became evident, at least for me, I was so ashamed that my self worth was not better, but I see now with a little less judgement that it was simply showing me some places within me that still need to heal. I asked God a lot of questions too and still do. I vascilated from blaming myself to blaming God to blaming him. It was a three ring circus in my head. In addition, prior to meeting him, I had been happily single and practicing a discipline spiritual practice. I recall feeling joyful and at peace for one of the first times in my life. I was feeling complete and I thought about what type of person could come into my life and enhance that. I actually prayed about it everyday. I had a dream of a man of a certain description and 6wks later, guess who showed up. Native American N. I raged at God at some point after that and couldn't understand for the life of me what was going on. I still am grabling with it really. I am more to the acceptance phase, but not fully healed. I lost all faith and trust in myself and the powers that be. I am finding my way back again and looking for the gift or blessing that might be buried underneath the pile of rubble. My life fell apart, truly, and my soul is being reconstructed. I am not totally on the other side of it, but I am getting closer. I was turned upside down, as we all were. We all lived in a world where black was white and white was black. There was no sense of normalcy and all of the lines of real and false were blurred. I can't really answer why any of us went through it fully. That is a much bigger existential/spiritual question and can be looked at from alot of different angles. It may be different for each of us. Keep asking and seeking answers; they will come in time. Yes, I do ask God to help me percieve and understand. I needed to get it; and get it for good. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. HAD ENOUGH!! This a real catalyst for change and a real pivotal point. I know for the rest of my life it will be the case of my life before N, and what happened after N. They are dramatically different. Hopefully, although I have this painful story now, I won't always identify with it and there can be a new story written in the future. My survival depends on it. We are the lucky ones. The ones with some awareness and grit to move in a different direction. There was a time when I was trapped in a web. It was like I was slowly being sucked dry. I was the vampire's main source of emotional/spiritual food and I was a concubine. I barely barely barely had enough strength to leave. In fact, if he had made just one more attempt in those first few months, I would've been toast. I sorta sealed the coffin shut and wounded his ass really really hard when I left. It was psychological warfare at that point and I knew I could never return. I did not. Thank God, he let me go. And yet, I almost turned back on my decision. I remained steadfast. I look forward to turning my pain into something productive and moving forward. It will be great when the mere sound of his name doesn't have such an emotional charge. I am getting there. In the meanwhile, keep asking, keep searching, keep writing, keep healing. The answers will come. I already have some. My life is just beginning to be rebuilt, from the inside out this time. No false pretenses, no expectations, just one day at a time. I know it sounds cliche, but you have to learn how to walk in the world again, becoming whole in a different way. I was shattered to the core and as the pieces are being put back together, I am feeling a deeper strength. I feel more confidence in my own resources. Remain steadfast; Keep your position. Remember: the love that N was giving was only a facimile. You deserve the real deal. Start with yourself in small ways. Do one thing loving or nice for yourself each day. Self love is my antidote for the N. The N can't touch a strong sense of self and fully whole person. Blessings - April
Jul 28 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
devoured_soul (not verified)
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Thank you, April. I read

Thank you, April. I read your response last night and could not even reply thru the tears, I sobbed my eyes out. I can't thank you enough for you words of encouragement and support. He surely did a number on me. Worse than I ever imagined. I do try to do things for me, going out with friends, working out at the gym with my amazing personal trainer... and there are friends helping me find supplemental employment ideas (he left me in a financial pickle by helping with my bills for a long while and then stopping). It's all so maddening. And as Barbara said (thank you, Barbara) that God did not do this to me, EVIL did. I know that. I lived it, I felt it. But the pain is still so fresh, the would so deep I wonder if it will ever heal. Had I not stumbled on this website and the NC rule, I know I never would have broke free. And I still wonder if he tried to contact me if I'd answer/respond. Thankfully and with God's Grace, he has left me alone this last time. Before, he would wait 2 days and contact me. It's been a month now and he has not tried. I know God stepped in to help me NOW but I cant help but wonder why He let me go thru it in the first place. Thanks again.
Jul 27 - 6AM (Reply to #3)
tina
tina's picture

antidote to the N

April - WOW. Thank you.
Jul 26 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
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smell

smell is the biggest trigger of 'positive memory.' Wash all your sheets, clothes etc that smell like him. Start burning fragrant candles for yourself when you get home. This takes time, therapy even meds... you are still early out and deprogramming. http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/07/14/missing-pretend-guy http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/03/20/cognitive-dissonance-obsessional-thoughts God didn't do this to you - EVIL did. We all got thru temptations in our lives... that's why... you have to be tough enough to get through it and use the tools around you (therapy, etc) to do so. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths