We never argued.

His mantra was "Just love me." We could not discuss anything we had previously planned: marriage, children, living together, his part in my daughters' lives, his health, my health, nothing. Even when his affairs were brought to light, we couldn't discuss it, though I made it clear I was willing to put it all behind us if we could talk about why it happened. He roundly refused. His response to my pleas to discuss our problems was always, "Honey, I can't fight." I'd say, "Im not fighting; we need to just talk." He'd say, "Do you love me or not? Just love me. We don't need to talk."

Adults know how to disagree and have a reasoned, compassionate argument. They know how to "agree to disagree." My ex-P couldn't handle disagreement so I'd always appease him by saying "yes, you're right." He'd get very mad at me (and this was during class discussions),accusing me of being narcissist and "you're defending yourself." It was either his way or the highway, and at a college that prides itself on philosophical dialogue. He took disagreements and criticism as personal attacks. He'd ask me difficult questions... but if I asked him difficult ones, he'd blank out and go into robotic stare mode. There was no give and take, even on a purely intellectual/philosophical level... with a philosopher. My ex-P dodged arguments. He'd stonewall me, act guilty, or blame me. He knows I consider him a dishonest, arrogant, condescending bully... maybe that's why he's been NC on me! And his Mommy and Daddy live with him. Arguments with him always escalated into fights, and he assumed he'd win. Even I got tired, and I told him in a sing-songy way,"I'm always wrong, you're always right" (intoning it with an obvious lack of sincerity) During the D&D, we were arguing all the time.

Whenever my ex and I would argue it didn't feeling like an argument but more like two people in a dysfunctional dance of verbal abuse. One who cared more about winning and the other just trying to survive. I wrote this some time ago and I think it explain why we can't really argue with them. It's more like having a verbal argument with a child. Parents will stand their ground and hope the child will understand in the end the parent's decision. Of course this wishful thinking is good for our children but never works on them. "The Abuser and Abusee “Abusers like to bring you down to their level” “You may find yourself becoming abusive in retaliation; in this case the abuser can say you are no better than the abuser. Note: Abusers are much better at arguing and winning so going down to their level means that you have lost; this is a variation of one person hitting another until the other eventually hits back.” I know there is no such word as “abusee” but please allow me to explain. Whenever we are involved with an abuser we will abuse as well. The abuser abuses to control and manipulate us. We abuse to fight back and take back what sanity we have left. The abuser destroys our self-esteem our personal power and in short our personality. We are told we are nothing. That no one else will love us and many other words and statements to rob you of all that is you. We abuse (defend) just to keep our hearts and heads above water from their torrent of constance abuse. Also the abuser will use this as a way to belittle you even more by stating you are just like them but the abuser never see it for what it really is. They abuse to control but we abuse just to stay alive albeit emotional and psychologically. Whenever we are involve in an dysfunctional relationship we are in verbal emotional and psychological battle. Never really knowing when and where the next attack will come from. We walk on mines (eggshells) around them never knowing what we do to “bring down the house” no matter how small or large the oversight might be. They fire shots of verbal abuse like a machine gun. They will sabotages events and holidays just like any saboteur in a war. We fight (abuse) to maintain ground and position just like any army will do in a conflict of war. The abuser fights to win! We fights to survive! Please don’t expect an abuser to see this or to acknowledge it so whenever he/she tells you that you are just as bad as them. Don’t believe it for there is a different! A very “big” different from being the abuser and the “abusee”." http://alturl.com/vnvu

We didn't argue often either. We had maybe a handful....but during every one he went off on me and raged. His reactions were completely disproportionate to the situation. Always scared me. He became a completely different person. I think he avoided arguements as well because he knew what he was capable of and couldn't risk getting caught.

My ex-N would never get involved in an argument. If he did not like what I was saying he would d&d, dole out the silent treatment, and put me on the shelf. I would always be the one walking on eggshells. He trained me to be like this. I learned quickly that when I doubted him, or disagreed with him this is where it would lead. I would always be the one to apologize, the one who tried to make it right. It amazes me how long I stuck it out like this. Whenever I think about how it made me feel it makes me sick and I break out into a sweat. I knew there was something very, very wrong. It took a long time and many d&d's to finally believe the evil that was N and go NC for good. Sometimes I can still feel him hovering. (occasional text messages and e-mails to my son). My worst fear is that he travels across the country and shows up at my door one day. When I went NC for the last time, I just disappeared. No letters, no explanations. I had learned there was no arguing or discussing with a narcissist.

What you are dealing with is someone that is conflict avoidant. I find a lot of similarities in our sitches from what you have written and when I look back on our relationship I realize it lacked total communication on all levels. I actually did argue (or I should say tried to resolve conflict), but he told his family/friends that I yelled at him all the time and was abusive. Google passive aggressive behavior and I bet you'll gain some more insight into what you were dealing with. Narcissists are children that never grew up.

I never argued with the exN either. On paper we had a lot in common, a lot of the same values, so I thought. I would try very hard to not have the silent treatment so never brought things up that might have upset him. I got the silent treatment anyway, he'd pick on me and go off but over the last few years as a matter of course I got the silent treatment every night whilst he shut himself in a room and wanked off in front of his computer.

No not in the real sense of an arguement. With mine, if I ever had the audacity to ask about something to do with his behavior, like the silent treatment, I just got screamed down and then he would walk out on me for 3 to 6 days. Usually I never even got through a sentence. My therapist said it must have been my "tone". I had to apologise in advance and ask him for permission to discuss anything. Oh and the therapist said about the D&D that men needed their cave time. But 24/7???