What am I doing?

After reading your story I can understand why you're looking for the cheating. He'd always been a cheater by all accounts until he met you...so unless he's cheating some part of you is still wondering if maybe he did change? The pieces aren't fitting together predictably and neatly (they never do). But your therapist was spot on, he just changed his outlet to percocet and theft. Same song, different verse. It's ironic that you and he had the big talk about his addictions and your ground rules regarding that over a bottle of wine eh? I understand completely why you're stuck on this bit, I went through the same thing and occasionally still do to some extent. But honey...from the outside looking in your NH is without doubt a piece of work, and even his mother will tell you so. I'm sure she was grateful that you came along as it gave her hope too that her son might be redeemed but we know how it is...he's irretrievably broken and the sooner you get out the better. And yes I'm sure he's been "laid off" of each job because owners notice dramatic shrinkage that coincides with his hire date! As far as recording everything, my guess is it goes beyond fascination although I do understand that too. Some part of you knows that you may need evidence of something at some point. So glad you got your story out, I bet that's a relief! xoxo

Your still trying to put the pieces together in your mind. Cognitive dissonance. Looking for that one episode that tips you over the edge and validates all your reasons for leaving him behind. You more than likely have many to validate who you are with and all the reasons why you should not stay. But your holding on to that "One". The special one thing that gives you permission to let go. While your waiting for this special one thing he continuing to destroy you and your family. If you want that "One" special reason, Look into the eyes of your children. There you will find it. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

I've saved all his texts and voicemails too, although I had to as they were evidence. Mine never cheated either, although he has now moved on to another woman, a woman who assaulted me the first night I met him. Your story is so different to mine, I HAD to leave after he assaulted me, everything was taken out of my hands. Everything is still in your hands, you still live with him, it must be a living nightmare for you :( Maybe all this checking and obsessing you are doing is to help validate your reasons for finally ending this? Maybe you need something concrete to finally say 'enough is enough' and hope that would make you hate him? After everything mine has done to me it is still so difficult to try and banish him from my thoughts and accept him for what he really is. Good luck Blueeyes, I think you already know deep in your heart the man he truly is, with or without hard evidence of him cheating :(

done this on the first round with him. I have done it again on the 2nd round. I think it serves a purpose to keep all their texts and emails as a way to protect our selves, especially as we have children with them, as betty's post on no contact says, i ahve just mentioned this that they will turn it around on us, 'she is harrassing me', 'she is harrassing my GF' (shim,lol). I broke no contact with him a couple of weeks ago and he said 'why are you calling me?' i'm busy trying to make dinner, WTF i am talking about our D here? Its' all about them' lol. I look back over his text's and that is validating for ME. I will say again ME, because this just justifys what i have learnt about him, it serves the purpose that WHEN not IF he go's back to court that i have evidence against him. It also serves the purpose for ME, when anyone asks 'why i am being such a hard bitch with him, that when i TELL the truth i have back up,so to say.