What do we really miss?

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Jul 23 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
Rinalda's picture

Susan32--I relate to this.

Susan32--I relate to this. How did you get to the point of feeling disgusted? I'm still more hurt than put off, though I get bursts of rage every so often. Mine knows I'm a caring, sensitive being but didn't care what he did to me or how much it hurt. And, just like yours, mine will NEVER admit what he did or apologize for it. He still denies he ever cheated and conveniently flies into a rage whenever I confront him about it. He gets "indignant" that I would accuse him of such behaviour and turns the tables so that I get painted as the one who has wronged HIM. It's all an act so that he can hold the cards and look good, as you pointed out with yours, but I still feel wounded. Like you, I will NEVER forgive his. And he has come sniffing around my yard again, predictable N behaviour. Anger would be "easier" for me than this ongoing pain. I should be furious (I was actually angrier when I first realized what he was doing with the OW behind my back). But the anger is hard to get to somehow.
Jul 26 - 9PM (Reply to #21)
Susan32's picture


The sad irony is that my ex-P's colleagues and my friends were disgusted with him loooong before I was. I realized why his colleagues shunned him as a pariah--because of the way he treated me. When we had lunch together, if another professor stopped by, they wouldn't join us--but bolt the other way. My ex-P was a psychopath (and probably still is) because he'd admit what he had done... but he would NOT apologize because it gave him pleasure. He'd robotically say "You were inappropriate" when I tried to wring an apology out of him. My mother majored in psychology at UC Berkeley (another irony-my ex-P's father's alma mater is UC Berkeley) and by his behaviors, she was able to tell he was a PSYCHOPATH. My narcissistic former boss was easier to deal with. Really. My ex-Psychopath professor flew into rages when: -I gave him sympathy because of his aunt's illness -Told my friends about his book -Sang his praises behind his back. He said I wasn't supposed to talk about him behind his back AT ALL-be it as praise or insult -Congratulated him on his engagement
Jul 1 - 6PM
lynn61's picture


That is incredibly insightful! I am surrounded by 28 years of my favorite things-all gifts from my soon to be xN. He was an incredible gift giver and I never even scraped the windshield of my car until I left him 8 months ago. Great trips and lots of fun. Those are the things I miss. But I have never felt the emotional freedom that I feel now to be whoever and I am be happy and joyful in that. I never knew until I left that I was in bondage. Some of that is of course my own fault. I really like what you shared-there is great truth in it. Thanks.


Jul 1 - 6PM
imabloke's picture

What I miss...

She was bloody good in bed. That i will say. And yes sometimes blokes just think like that. BUT there was more to it than that, I really felt wanted, loved, i mean really loved, in and out of bed, more than anything else in the world than i have felt before. I mean i lost myself in her. God no wonder i felt like i was going mad in the end. In the beginning she was just so lovely and i was lovely back. But after a while she just grew distant it felt like she didn't want me anymore the silences, the lack of intimacy. Her self loathing. The list could go on and in the end i got the DD and now its all history. But i do believe i can love again because it's the feelings i can share with someone that is open to respond back. That's just it i was give, give, give, till i nearly lost my soul. And got shit back in return. So no, i don't miss that! She's was a 'siren' from the book 'Ulysses' and where did it lead me? the bloody rocks!
Jul 2 - 10AM (Reply to #15)
trying2overcome's picture

we think that way too ... hee

I lauged out loud when I read "she was bloody good in bed" I don't know why .. I guess because your thinking that is a guy thing but so many of us women on here say the same thing! Sex with my N was earth-shattering .. we had the best physical relationship I have EVER had. Sometimes I think that is what I miss. He was very attentive to me and it was very loving and ALWAYS held each other and loved afterward .. which alot of men do not do. In many ways he had alot of "girl traits" very sensative and doting. always made my coffee, cooked for me etc. Attended to my every physical need .. where is whacked out is the emotional needs .. can't be pleased and everything is about him .. he was so emotionally abusive it was unreal. The same guy who would make love to me in the morning so well it was almost an out of body experience, take a shower together, make my coffee everything is fine .. sould switch like a light 10 minutes later because I didn't say something right or I didn't touch him for 5 minutes because I was looking at a magazine and all was ruined for hours on end because then he would clam up and punish me with silence .. as I sat or begged and wondered WTF did I do .. how do we go from GREAT to this in 10 minutes .. WHY??? because I failed in some unknown miserable way and I had to be punished!!! What a prick. But yes, the sex, the holding the loving, the way (when he wasn't mad at me which became few and far between) that he looked at me and hung on my every word .. it was intoxicating. Of course, mostly when we were alone .. if we were in a group he was jealous and watched every move I mad because I wasn't allowed to talk to other people or stray from him for a minute .. he watched every move I made. wierd .. after typing this out .. I am left wondering what do I miss ??? a Psycho !!!! LMAO
Jul 2 - 11AM (Reply to #17)
imabloke's picture


I didn't want to come across as 'oh typical bloke - thinking with his dick'. Not that you would mind ;-). it's interesting tho, after we had sex she wasn't that interested in the cuddling part and to me that was in fact the best bit! It was intoxicating in the beginning and it sort off wore off over the 2.5 years. She grew less interested although she would say it was the best sex ever. I used to fantasy about us having sex... i got quite obsessive about it which didn't help me. I think this was all to do with the sucking up part of your soul maybe. So yes i do miss the sex, and to have it back I would pay a high price. i would sooner be in a more complete, fulfilling relationship that the crap i had to put up with.
Jul 2 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
TNR1's picture

I believe we were all actresses....

Playing a role in the N's grandious fantasy. Problem is that we never got a script, it was always left to us to somehow "know" what the N expected of us. If we did not fulfill his expectation, that is when the sulking would occur. It's completely crazy making.
Jul 1 - 4PM
Briseis's picture

Wow Rhiannon, that is so

Wow Rhiannon, that is so powerful. It's like we mistake HIM for what we really miss, when it is the feelings WE had. Our feelings are real, and we get fooled into thinking those feelings came from the narc. And then you get that "trauma bonding" thing going on to make it all that much worse :( It helps you to take your power back to realize HE doesn't own your love feelings, or your self esteem.
Jul 1 - 3PM
smileyfacepr's picture

I miss

the sex...we had great sexual chemistry and we were just awesome together in bed...I miss him being there for me physically..to pick me up from work or whatever the case was, I miss sleeping with him, I miss him cooking me breakfast,lunch,dinner and I miss the fun we used to have! I DO NOT MISS..him sleeping all the time, his distance,silent treatments,looking unintrested when I spoke to him,his seeing everything Id tell him I felt as ridiculous, him telling me I over react when he would hurt me, his family,his looking at all the women like he was doing them then and there, the arguing when that bitch whore ex would call, being bored to death,feeling alone even though he was next to me, the aloofness when I was speaking to him about something bothering me,...oh Im sure Iv forgotten somethings! But yes I definetly miss the sex w/him!! Good idea to seperate the 2..big differences and yes we need to realize we prob/dont really miss HIM!


Jul 1 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
TNR1's picture

Yes...the sex....

Sigh...the sex was indeed incredible/addictive. The issue for me was that after the sex, he would want to sleep, but not cuddle. That was his way to avoid intimacy.
Jul 24 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
hitandrun's picture

Aah..the sex

I have to admit,the sex was awesome and I miss it. I also miss the attention and him bringing me coffee in bed. There are a lot of things I miss. But I do not miss being lied to constantly. Never knew he was lying at the time. After the D&D and some digging, I realized lying for him was a way of life. And I think he actually believed his own lies. Bottom line is I miss a lie.
Jul 1 - 3PM
Allie's picture

I miss the attention too...

It was a complete fantasy, nothing about him was real, I know that, but I was like an intense fantasy just to be around him...and years later just to exchange emails with him. It really had nothing to do with him, I really didn't like much about his personality. He was so handsome, made me feel desirable in a way few men have. I recently watched "9 1/2 Weeks" and my N was very much like Micky Roarkes character. I was only 16 the first time my N introduced bondage, he was very into pushing my boundaries...25 years later I still occasionally have fantasies about him. It's ironic and frustrating that even though I hate him and he repulses me, I still fantasize about him. Another irony is that even though he was my first lover and we were together many times until shortly before I got married to my husband, I NEVER had an "O" with the N, NEVER. I would be sore from his marathon sex sessions and have to fake multiple O's to stroke his ego. I always wanted to tell him that, among other things that would just destroy his ego, but I never did. He was the worst lover I ever had, though he portrayed himself as the best. What's strange to me is I never fantasize about the actual sex with him, thats not what get's to me, but it's the romance and everything leading up to it...I don't know exactly why that is, but that's what I miss and how that part of his "attention" made me feel.
Jul 1 - 3PM
Bodhi's picture


I knew the first few weeks after the breakup that I didn't miss him... he had the emotional life of a goldfish and my friends easily replaced him. I definitely missed the safety & security, for sure. And the spooning. But I can say that pretty much covers it all, which is pretty sad since I had invested so much of myself into him.
Jul 1 - 1PM
TNR1's picture

I miss the distraction...

I admit, I loved the attention...but more over, I loved focusing on him. It allowed me to not have to focus on "me" for a period of time. For me, I was so caught up in him, wanting to please him, waiting on his calls, his text messages that it distracted me from the other things in my life I did not want to face. It was a great distraction from really feeling the true loneliness inside of me. Now that he is no longer in my life, I have to face all the things that I was able to avoid while I was focused on him.
Jul 23 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
Used's picture


i was in a very bad place when met exh and then again with n and even my psychrist said they were distractions, focus on ex for all those years i didnt have to confront the demons in my head, 9 years after divorcing him,and my illness that i got when with exh, getting better,imet the n so i didnt have to confront my demons again 2years later after backwards and forward, i, at last at a grand old age[haha] i confronted them it has been so hard reliving a childhood of neglect and abuse, but i am nearly there my need for these men died,when i began my journey and all they are to me now are history, pity for them they cant believe it,and this board letting me know it wasent all my fault, it was all about them, tonight i feel ok tomorrow who knows but tonight i am at peace, thanks n,s.you both helped in my healing but will never know it.
Jul 2 - 2AM (Reply to #6)
girlfriday's picture


It takes courage to admit that, TNR1. I think that anyone who has found herself LOST in a partner ought to ask herself, "What is it I don't want to have to face in my own life?" I lost myself with Ns twice in a row. But now that I am N-free, I can see clearer and focus on what I wasn't doing for myself. So now I am starting a new biz that I feel very excited about. Couldn't have gotten here with N#1 around because he criticized and belittled everything I did. Trying to please him was my full-time job. Couldn't do it with N#2 because I was too busy trying to figure out all the mind-f*&^ing going on.
Jul 1 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
hitandrun's picture


Big ditto here. You describe my situation with myself to a "T." It was fun, but now I have to face the music.
Jul 1 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
agnesmurphy17's picture

Me, too.

Also the building my life around somebody. I think it is normal to want to please and to share when one is in love. But these guys, they take normal human emotions & desires and just pervert them. "If you love me, then you will SUBMIT to what I want regardless of how that makes you feel." If only they would say their true intentions explicitly. Their statements are often ambiguous.
Jul 2 - 4AM (Reply to #3)
happydaysahead's picture

Mine would suggest...

Mine would suggest a three way (towards the end)--he did not care if it was another girl or guy, he just wanted it !! And when I told him no it just makes me uncomfortable (and I have done "things" with him that I was not crazy about but did it to make HIM happy) he proceeded to tell me how selfish I was !! I could not believe how pissed off he got at me--you know cuz my feelings meant NOTHING and I was here just to make him happy and give in to his every whim !!
Aug 1 - 2AM (Reply to #4)
apple's picture

I miss...

I miss how you you would ask me "how is my pu**y doing" every time you initiated contact with me. I miss how you always asked if I was staying skinny for you. I miss how you would blow my phone up if I was at work and couldn't answer right away, as soon as I would respond saying "sorry, was working in court today" I would get ignored. I miss how you would never ask me how I was doing. I miss the way I told you traumatic things that happened in my life... only a open door for you to start abusing me more. I miss the way you said you would only see me if I sent naked pictures to you. I miss how selfish you were in bed. I miss how you were nice to everyone but me. I miss all your lies. I miss all your excuses. I miss all your threats with leaving and effing other women. I miss finding you on dating sites (by the way you look like a gay pirate in all your photos). I miss your creepy twelve year old behavior. I miss the way I used to throw up in the bathroom after your rage attacks. I miss how my time or feelings never mattered to you. I miss the fact that I missed all the warning signs... receiving the slow process of your abuse until I was nothing but a doormat to you. I miss your manipulations and how I always had a bad "attitude" when you weren't getting your way. I really miss the name calling when I did nothing to provoke you. And most of all, I miss how you have no clue the damage that you have caused me.