What have you learned from this?

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#1 Jun 21 - 1AM
girlfriday
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What have you learned from this?

Been wanting to solicit answers to this question for a while. I wasn't active on here before because I'm quite certain my ex had been keylogging EVERYTHING I ever wrote, and maybe still is, but now I figure...WTF. Oh well...
SO, the big question is: What lessons have you learned from your experience?

I know I have learned so much and I may post my own answers in bits and pieces, but the main things I learned are:

-Likability does not mean trustworthiness.
-If you catch someone in lies early on, that means he/she is a LIAR.
-If you deeply suspect that something is fishy and have clues to back it up but he tells you to your face that you are wrong, trust yourself. You are not wrong. You are being gaslighted.
-When someone tells you what they are, LISTEN to them. Eg. "I am a bullshitter."
-If their phone "doesn't work" half the time, they're hiding something.

Okay, that's a start.
I think that learning from our experiences is very valuable, so let's share...

Jun 22 - 11PM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

So many good lessons

So many good lessons learned. I like reading these over. A few more things: -I no longer trust fast talkers and people who undeniably talk too much. All the cons I've met did this. -I also don't fall for flattery anymore. -Another really good one is that if you're left feeling confused time and time again, for whatever reason, that's a bad thing. Jump ship. There shouldn't always have to be something to figure out. I guess the saddest thing I've learned, though, is that I can still be in love with someone who is so deceitful, chronically dishonest, and unfaithful. Someone who gets a charge out of duping. Sigh...
Jun 22 - 6PM
cynthia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

what I learned

The Serenity Prayer - learning to accept what you can never never change. and most important there is NO mr right, mr dream man mr prince charming, that will come into your life and make everything ok or answer your prayers. Dreams can only be achieved within yourself, making your dreams come true also comes from within yourself, Mr right can turn into Mr wrong real fast, and he doesnt have to be pathological either. Prince charming will always remain in the fairy tale books where they belong not in real life, besides I never cared for men that wore tights anyway. ha ha
Jun 21 - 6PM
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

i learned that:

-Always trust your gut -If he is accusing you of something then he is probably doing it himself -If he sleeps around while you are broken up for only two weeks dont get back together with him -If he says that you are perfect together the day after he meets you DONT LISTEN! -If he cant seem to LET GO of if ex then LET GO of him! -If he says that all of his exs are crazy he is probably lying! -If he is irresponsible with his own money then he will be irresponsible with YOUR money too I could go on forever! I have learned sooooo much from this experience.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jun 21 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

What I learned

-Just because he's a philosopher and a professor doesn't mean he isn't a psychopath (quoting my mother here, she was RIGHT) -If your friends don't like him, and his COLLEAGUES don't like him... there's probably a reason -Better to be D&D'd by a potential boyfriend than going through the pain later -If he utterly lacks emotion, there IS a problem (my ex-P creeped my classmates out, and probably still is) -If he says "I'm going to let you down","I've hurt a lot of people" and "Don't get close to me",for once, he's probably telling the truth -If he hates your friends for lame reasons, drop him, NOT your friends
Jun 21 - 5PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

I learned..

-To ALWAYS go with your gut. It's there for a reason. -If a guy breaks up with you once it WILL happen again. Let them go. - If they belittle you in any way it will get worse. - If they can't own up to anything..and put all the blame on you it's a form of manipulation. -Narcissism can be SO covert. Not every man will exhibit all the qualities. (ex. I was clingy/ jealous/fell for him faster than he did for me) But that doesn't mean that they aren't messing with your emotional stability.
Jun 21 - 12PM
AnotherPath
AnotherPath's picture

To not loose myself in a

To not loose myself in a relationship. But to look for all of that in me.

Ending the dance

Jun 22 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Great advice!

After all, one of the BIGGEST red flags is--if a guy WANTS to change you, go the other way. It means he's pathological and isn't capable of change within himself. Yes, BE YOURSELF!
Jun 22 - 1AM (Reply to #15)
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

Good one! Sooooo important.

Good one! Sooooo important not to lose oneself.
Jun 21 - 5PM (Reply to #14)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Great discussion thread, Girlfriday!

What I learned from it all: Lyrics from Sinead O'Connor's "Feel So Different" the whole time I'd never seen all you had spread before me the whole time I'd never seen that all I'd need was inside me now I feel so different I feel so different I feel so different. and The Serenity Prayer God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change (My Narcissist) Courage to change the things I can (Myself) and the Wisdom to know the difference (Acceptance)
Jun 21 - 9AM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

good question

I have learned: All men are NOT created equal. Trust all your gut instincts next time. If you catch them in a lie, break up and go NC immediately. Be good and kind to yourself. Do not break NC when your mind is thinking of the honeymoon stage. Never think he'll change, cause pathology never changes. NC has been peaceful and yet painful at the same time. Staying NC has been the best decision yet for my life and everyone in it.
Jun 21 - 9AM
ewa
ewa's picture

:)

I have got interested in different personality disorders (psychology):)
Jun 21 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

me too. lol

me too. lol

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 21 - 9AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I learned to fork over the

I learned to fork over the money to have an extensive background check done before i make a commitment and take lots of time to get to know them. I learned if it seems to good to be true, it is because it is. I learned to never rely on someone else to make me happy or validate me. I will get hurt every time. I learned that evil lurks in the world. I believe i read One out of 7 have some type of personality disorder. (scary) Learned so much guess i have grown up quite a bit.

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jun 22 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
hitandrun
hitandrun's picture

What I learned....

--How to do background checks and lots of internet research on a person. -- How to lose weight quickly without even trying. -- That their is really true evil in the world. -- That people can lie through their teeth and never flinch. -- That some men are all an act. -- That I never want to be with someone who could discard a person like a piece of trash. --- How to file court papers and get on the system's ass to serve the papers!!! --- That I am a lot stronger than I thought. ---Life is not fair. ---Who my true friends are.
Jun 21 - 7AM
baddream
baddream's picture

Believe what your gut is telling you.

You know when he is lying to you. Go with your own instincts. N could not tolerate any criticism or conflict so I avoided it at the expense of my own self esteem. What have I learned? The best revenge of all is not letting him see I give a damn. To believe in myself. To put myself first. To stop enabling N's. To invest my energy in good, honest things. Everything he does is to get a reaction, and I need to be stronger than that. To stay away from liars. To keep an eye out for manipulative people. To stay away from "needy" men. To be a little selfish. To stay NC. This is where I get my strength and power.
Jun 21 - 6AM
aceonelady
aceonelady's picture

learned

Pay attention how he talks about ex wife,girlfriends...pay attention how he criticizes co workers,how he complains about other peoples morals etc...If you SEE something and he denies it...RED ALERT ....if he asks you to change your appeareance(hair do,clothes,and to get piercings or tattoos and skirt lenght,high heels or not )ask you to wear g strings ALL the time...if he calls you Darling,sweetheart instead of calling you by name...if he talks about the future and couples of weeks later he says he doesn't like talking about it...If you ask him something and he says he doesn't like to explain things today....if you have to watch your words and opinions afraid he would walk away,get silent or say on the phone I got to go....If he tells you something 10 times in different ways...if he tells you at least weekly that somebody made a pass at him and he turned them down because he is with you...and the list goes on and on and on....

Aceonelady

Jun 21 - 7AM (Reply to #5)
baddream
baddream's picture

Yes. Aceonelady!

That could have been mine. He did all of those things!
Jun 22 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Mine said he couldn't call

Mine said he couldn't call me by name because he was so shy...hahaha! What a joke! Blah!
Jun 21 - 2AM
Steph
Steph's picture

Great idea!

Things I have learned: Listen and believe what people tell you about themselves, their past etc....and dont think it will be different with you! Pay attention to how someone treats other people too, not just you. Believe in yourself and your own gut instincts before believing in someone else. Acting polite and charming does not equal good character. Pay attention to what family/friends say....they have your best interest at heart and can see things from a more clear perpective than you sometimes. If someone walks out on you ONCE....let them and don't ever give them a chance to do it again.
Jun 21 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Exactly !!

If someone walks out on you ONCE....let them and don't ever give them a chance to do it again. If I only would have done this, man, all of the pain and sadness I would have saved myself. Mine used to make "comments" about all of my female friends. I have this one friend for almost 10 years and every time he would see her, he would comment to me about her big t*ts !! And then towards the end he was asking me if me and him and HER could have a threesome. Of course, that was one thing I did NOT give him (I have given/done plenty that I was not thrilled with to keep him happy) I'm thinking, shit she is my friend, what the hell was he thinking ?? Then again, he has NO friends so I guess to him he did not understand the bonds between friends. Unfortunately, he would make comments about all of my friends. I tried to explain to him how much this hurt me and of course he saw no harm in what he was doing. Now I see it was his way of alienating me from them, cuz after he would make comments like she is hot or I would sleep with her, well I would never want to be around them (my friends) with him. And then EVERY time when we would go out to eat, if he ordered steak and the waitress would ask him if he wanted steal sauce, he would look at her and say "Why is the steak bad??" I mean every time. I guess he thought he was being clever or funny and almost every time, the waitress would look at him like "HUH" ?? God, he's such an asshole. And now looking bad, I am seeing it more and more. Why didn't I see it then ?? I would have saved me and my son SO much unhappiness. :(
Jun 21 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
drivencrazyinflorida
drivencrazyinflorida's picture

What I have learned

1. Never trade your integrity to make someone else happy. 2. Don't let yourself be brainwashed. 3. Don't fall for the flattery during the courting phase. 4. Watch out for numerous marriages. If the guy has been divorced 4 times do you really think he is that unlucky? 5. If you think you are with an narcissist, run for your life!