What ignoring a Narc. does to them

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#1 Sep 14 - 10PM
needing2know's picture

What ignoring a Narc. does to them

They need you (www.nightvisionforwomen.com)

Narcissism is a mental disorder which is defined by a lack of
empathy as well as a peculiar non-existence: That is to say, the narcissist needs others to reflect back to them what they appear to be in order to define themselves; without this feedback, they don't exist.

And the worst thing you could ever do, from their point of view, is to ignore them.

To ignore them is to snuff them out.

Narcissists become very angry when you ignore them!

To question that they are the center of the Universe is anathema to them--pure heresy.

They are the greatest of their kind of all time.

And when you question their importance, you become a lying betrayer.

They are so confident of their greatness, that anyone questioning it is not just their enemy, to be fought tooth and nail, they are deceivers, cheating others of the truth.

Hopefully, you recognize the baloney of the narcissist for what it is, but often they have such forcefulness, they can bully their way past the obvious baloney.

Though they seem confident of their position in the Universe--at the center of it--and believe that the Universe would cease to exist without them, they hold the secret fear that the Universe might just be able to do without them without much notice, if any at all, and it creates a tremendous fear within them.

They need you to validate them.

You need them to leave you alone.

Avoiding the more obvious traps

You can make the choice to dump the narcissist when you recognize him for who and what he is--nothing at all; useless, worthless, pretty much a fool.

Or he can dump you.

Either way, you have cause for rejoicing, even if you feel great pain.

The narcissist is quite addictive to his source and when he
withdraws, people often have withdrawal symptoms.

Like any addiction, this must be faced and overcome.

There are two main problems:

There may a great temptation to crawl back to the narcissist to beg his forgiveness and try to allow to come back to him;

You may seek another narcissist to fill the void.

Either way, you are going to regret it: It doesn't really lessen
the pain, you simple keep up the cycle.

Now, it's really easy to get caught up in the illusion that your
narcissist is bigger than life and provides you with something; the reality is something else: He is not the one giving--you are; you are the one providing him with everything (or at least a portion) of what he needs.

It's a sick relationship.

In order for your own healing, you must get away from the patient; sever all ties; become independent.

It is insanity to remain subject to them.

Sep 16 - 5PM
Swan's picture

ignoring a Narc

"Narcissists become very angry when you ignore them!" Boy is that an understatement. As far as the void they leave in their wake, even when you initiate the NC its hard. All I have to stay is push through the loneliness and pain. PUSH THROUGH IT. Be confident and have faith that it will get better, in time. I think it was Dierdre who told me to make little increments of time and just shoot for a goal "I will be ok until 12." then "I will be ok until 3." etc and that works during my hardest of times. I have not and will not initiate contact with him I am certain of that, but have at times felt that if he called I would pick up the phone. And knowing that, I would go out WITHOUT my phone and walk or journal or drive or whatever I have to do to push through. Once I put my phone in my car and locked it in there all night so I would have to go through too much to get it (put on shoes, find keys, walk outside) , thus giving me think time. Time to regroup. It worked. I am almost a month NC now. I don't miss HIM, not at all, but I miss the companionship (he wasn't evil 24/7) and those things that were endearing BUT he was not worth, and no one is worth the damage he did to my self esteem, self worth and my soul. JUST PUSH THROUGH IT. I should make a tee shirt up with that on it!
Sep 15 - 5PM
Anabelle's picture

I am so struggling today. I

I am so struggling today. I don't want my N back. I am struggling with this emptiness, this void he left behind. I am so tired tonight and I still have hell of a lot to do in the next weeks, and it's not going to be less stress.... but i feel so horrible empty and I would so need a hug. I think these are the moments when you reach for your phone and try to contact him. I feel so hurt, his hoovering opened up my wounds and my pain. But it is an addiction. You have to stay strong. That's the only way Stay strong! Love X
Sep 16 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
prettypeeved's picture

You have to replace the void

You have to replace the void with something else. It's like breaking a bad habit - replace it with something else, get out of the habit my making a new one.
Sep 15 - 12PM
needing2know's picture

I'm glad this post helped, I

I'm glad this post helped, I know it made me wake up to allot of things. yesterday was a bad day, i almost contacted my ex, but instead I came here and got my wonderful support! And I got online and just started searching more, kept me from e-mailing him! And being here helped when I needed it! Thank you everyone
Sep 15 - 10AM
Susan32's picture

Humor does the same thing

My former Narc boss, as well as my former Narc coworker and my Narc grandmother, are capable of mocking THEMSELVES. They have a sense of humor. So the following advice is to kept to a case-to-case basis (I know, lawyer terminology) The ex-Psych prof HATED being mocked;to him,it was the SAME as being ignored. Caused the same sort of raging. If he thought he was being ridiculed (even if he weren't), he'd abruptly end conversation, snap "Take me seriously!", or run off. Well, I did use humor when I broke NC. How many former teachers of mine have been mockingly compared to newborns? He's special that way.
Sep 14 - 11PM
Jannie In the Sun
Jannie In the Sun's picture

Insanity and Self Deception

That was exactly my lesson and thank you for the post! I see now that I wore myself out trying to get close to someone completely incapable of true intimacy. He wanted everyone to SEE him as a great, caring, intelligent man but he did nothing to earn that kind of praise or admiration - there is the grandiosity and entitlement in my face. He devalued others to make himself seem special, smarter and better off than everyone else. Any little implication that he might not be perfect or the best would result in PA punishment. Small small man.... I am grateful for my independence but will not forget what kind of user and fraud that man turned out to be. Still angry no longer sad. Not at all lonely - for now - lol.
Sep 14 - 11PM
sara-smile's picture

Narc and NC

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. I know that NC = Narc injury! I get that part BUT if we ignore them and injure them they just go out and find some poor soul to get more supply from who won't ignore them. How long does our injury last? After they get new supply do they even care that we are ignoring them? I doubt it! It's all so frustrating. NC is the only way I've ever had any revenge but he's got plenty of supply from the OW. She's still totally in the dark! Ugh! I hate Narcs!
Sep 15 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
Lisa87's picture


My sentiments, when I have ignored and blocked I don't think he cares too much, although he did pull out the big guns 2x to get me back. Now he knows that isn't happening so when I go NC I don't think he really cares. He has plenty of other supply, just wish I could be inside his brain to know if I did get to him during those times of NC. He keeps coming back though so its either because he thinks its a game or he doesn't care one way or the other? UGH!!!!
Sep 15 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
Caligirl's picture

Sara-smile, yep, it's confusing! I think that N/C is

for us, but when we go n/c, we incidentally are "ignoring" the N, and that is the N injury. Also, N's see supply as objects and as if that object ALWAYS belongs to them. So one thing my therapist told me is that when you leave, which I did, she said to me, "You'll always be the one that got away." See, that enrages them. They don't know what happened to you or what is happening to you and, to them, your their's. N's have no concept of time. Also, each source of NS is different...we all have different traits. So like different objects, maybe the new supply is a toaster and your a microwave, but N would really like some microwave popcorn, but all he has is a damn toaster! :)
Sep 15 - 11AM (Reply to #8)
lola_azul's picture

Concept of time

Hi Caligirl: Please elaborate on that? What do you mean by that? No concept of time as in, how long something lasts or how long it does take? Or all of these? Thank you!
Sep 16 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
Caligirl's picture

Hi, Lola azul, concept of time

I answered this in another post called "Hidden Meaning Behind their Words." Basically, N's (and particularly P's) have a weird sense of time. Sam Vaknin talks about this on his website. For one, it's all about the "present." I read that some N's reference the saying, "Enjoy the present" bc of this, NOT bc they even really grasp the philosophical concept. Mine did this. Also, something can happen YEARS ago, and they'll talk about and act like it was yesterday. They don't get time like normal people in a "physical" sense, rational, linear. And this is related to how when objects are out of sight, out of mind type thing. Toddlers have a problem with this. It's called object permanence. If you leave a toddler's sight, it's like you don't exist. Toddlers have the same r/s with time. If you say your birthday is in 6 months, they can't grasp it. It could be like tomorrow for all they know.
Sep 15 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
dazedandcnonfused's picture

For me the first d&d lasted

For me the first d&d lasted 16 yrs before he came back to find me.
Sep 15 - 11PM (Reply to #10)
ifinallygotit's picture


I guess that would put us in our 70's if he comes back in 16 years! Hopefully the sex hormones will have cooled out and all this drama will seem ridiculous.... Mine is a big dummy so when he is no longer sexy there will be nothing left...he is my only friend who is not super sharp (even if he is famous he is a big pot smoking dumb ass womanizer). will that be attractive in my 70's???
Sep 16 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
needing2know's picture

Maybe if you sat down and got

Maybe if you sat down and got stoned lol he would look good, Orr you know the saying guys have " drink till she's pretty?" well "smoke till he looks hot" lmao
Sep 15 - 9AM (Reply to #7)
Lisa87's picture

Thanks Caligirl!

Everytime I go NC, 3 months, 6 months, he still contacts me and I've ended up answering him. I've tried so many options of ignoring and blocked him from everything. He just comes back and acts like nothing ever happened so was he really enraged during that time? I know he has other supply so I don't think it was a big deal to him at all. But I truly believe I am just an object to him. He knows I will never go back with him but now I think I turned into a friends with benefits. I'm hoping he will move away for good and will be out of my life forever. I honestly think he thinks he will be IN my life forever. This post woke me up this morning so thank you!
Sep 15 - 12AM (Reply to #6)
sara-smile's picture

Thank you Caligirl!!

THANK YOU CALIGIRL! I needed to hear this! I am NC with my Narc to save my sanity and to rebuild my life that he almost destroyed BUT I want there to be part of him that has that Narc injury. He never thought I would do it. He has to see me at work everyday and I want him to always remember that I'm the one that got away, reported him to his boss and lived my life without him. I know that Narcs don't have any emotions except for RAGE so I hope that he rages every time he sees me moving up at work while he keeps his crappy job and stays in trouble. He has to watch me succeed at work and I work harder every day so he will know he didn't destroy me. I've been obsessing about this for weeks and I have a new sense of joy thinking that maybe he's craving microwave popcorn!! Thank you again!!!! Hugs, Sara
Sep 14 - 11PM
Caligirl's picture

needing2know, thank you for posting this!

It is exactly what I needed to read tonight! It just hit home for me throughout, and it reassured me that this is where I need to be, and I made the right decision. Thank you! Hug.
Sep 14 - 10PM
Sea's picture

Love your post!

Thanks! I need all these good reminders daily to get by my NC. Hugs!! Sumiko
Sep 14 - 10PM
Sea's picture

Love your post!

Thanks! I need all these good reminders daily to get by my NC. Hugs!! Sumiko