What we hang on to is a sorry substitute 4 love!

That really is the question isn't it? And you've described it so well & I too have found myself longing to look in the mirror & recognise what I see - I've been out of the relationship with my exN for almost a year & its only been fairly recently that I'm truly starting to realise just how badly I lost my own self. I think its a mix of so many different things, situations & sometimes even timing that gets us in a position to be blind to what is real. And the fact that narcs are simply expert manipulators, shape shifters & mimics and have no scruples.... they are able to work out exactly what that gap in our armour is, what we are needing or looking for & they are able to convincingly "become" that. Like some form of parasite that goes straight for an open wound & knows how to adapt to dodge our natural defenses. For me, the thing that had to happen to stop living in the fantasy was a lot of time away from the narc, the experience, pressure & anxiety of everyday life without him & the experience of being around other people who were not disordered. And also doing things that I just wanted to do, for myself. My exN was so clingy & needy that I gradually stopped doing things for myself [i.e. things that would take my attention away from him]. And I've actually made a point of doing things that really remind me of my life before the narc - even down to listening to music I used to love, going to places I used to go [but stopped going to because he didn't like them] - like I'm reacquainting myself with myself again - does that make sense? It took a long time but finally it started sinking in & its like the blinkers started to fall from my eyes & I slowly started looking back at things with new clarity. And I'm starting to feel like a person again, like myself again - and not just a provider & carer for him. Its slow & its a long journey but its such a relief because I'm feeling it start to happen :) In absolute honesty though, I don't know if I'd ever have truly woken up & received the calling when I was with him. I was so caught, trapped in feelings of hope, bliss of the good times, responsibility & guilt. My exN d&d'd me very suddenly & very quickly & moved interstate [as it turns out he had the police & creditors chasing him] & that was what really saved me. He's tried sucking me back in but because he's so far away now its been different. If he'd not moved I'm almost certain I'd have been pulled back in & still be with him. I admire those who do have the strength & clarity to get up & leave their narcs - I think it must be one of the absolutely hardest things to do. Ava xx

When I exposed him, came up to his house when he didn't respond to my txts,, and found he was living with and dating another woman the entire 3 1/2 years we were dating and "building a life together" that I never even knew about. They have a way of robbing people of their soul, their sanity. They are true killers. Killer of flesh, killers of spirit, killers of mind and progress. Stay away from them, your obsession with them is only the cleansing of them from your system. You need to stay away. Be firm. Don't cave into their fake pleas or otherwise. They live a total lie, living their lie will kill you.

I knew it was time to go when i cryed so hard i had a nose bleed xx