He doesn’t want to be with you and he doesn’t want you to move on. Moving on would be healing and he doesn’t care about that. He won’t make the effort to be in a relationship with you and he doesn’t want you to move forward. You’re in pain and go to see a counselor and he worries about HIMSELF? What. a. bastard. He wants you to not move and not make strides in your own life. Just stay there and hurt until I make up my stupid mind. That is not love. That is torment.
This is what I dealt with for the last year, and yes it is torment, but a self inflicted one I know. Did you go through that as well? How true if he "has to miss you in order to be with you, that will always be the way it is" Nobody should have to wait 1/2 a year to miss someone and pull her number up on a roladex card when its her turn, that is exactly what I was, a scheduled on and off again supply to him and he kept me there too, that is being a sick selfish bastard. Putting my life on hold for some sick idiot who doesnt know what he wants from one month to the next. Many of my questions were answered with this article, why did he just string me along, yet didnt want to lose me, why did he call but yet didnt want to see me, THERE YOU HAVE IT for all the reasons that were in this article, that is pure pathology. Oh there is no doubt in my mind he enjoyed my company twice a year, lets put it this way, it was far from unpleasant for him but 24 hours is about all he could give, then BYE BYE NOW, tired of ya, but I will call on ya in another 6 months or so so keep checking in with me and stay in touch. When they see ya they act like you are the most beautiful creature in the whole world, I missed you, I forgot how beautiful you were, hurry up so I can stick my dick in you, they give you a grand sexual performance make you feel loved like you havent been loved in years but its just that a performance, and when the show is over curtain goes down and they go on to the next leading lady of the month for a thrill, but we are left with PTSD, anxiety, empty, feeling dumped, discarded, and we dont realize they did it again to us until further down the road. It took me so long to realize I ALWAYS deserved better than this sort of treatment, to cry and mourn over a pile of shit like that. Pretty soon our crying turns into laughing at them because their game is so stupid and predictable, my crying days are done over this piece of low life shit, I gained so much more than I ever lost and it took me sooo long to see that, this was a good article for those that remain stuck so long, on again off again type of thing, you just get out of the sick game and start living again, and looking back you soon realize YOU DIDNT LOSE A DAMN THING
The way you describe it is exactly the way it went for me. He had to miss me, to want me. He had to believe that he had lost me, to come find me again. Once he felt certain I was still there, he would go and disappear again.
Same thing with the performance too. He would play the "lover boy" for several incredible days. Turn his phone off to the world, completely into me, and then ---- as suddenly as it began, it would be all over again.
It wasn't always this way, but got worse and worse over time. I know I enabled this behavior by always being there when he came calling. Initially it was a relief that he came back to me, then after a few years this became more of a control issue.
I could see him watching to see if he could make me angry and I learned to spot the manipulations. I would catch him in his obvious lies and later realize he wanted me to know about time spent with the other gf so he could get a reaction out of me. So inhuman.
In the end it just seemed like some kind of game. He would stay away for longer and longer amounts of time, because I was learning not to call him anymore but he still managed to weasel his way back in some insidious manner.
Now I realize the only way to no longer be at the end of his string is NC, that is the only way to take control again and move on with our lives.
Still, the scars remain. There is no love anymore-- just the knowledge of what I allowed him to do to me and that hurts.
He had to miss me, to want me.
Did you ever stop to think if they have a pattern and behavior like this, why do we think they are so happy and making mad and passionate love to their gf's or the OW they live with? Its just not possible, if they got sooo tired of us this fast and I am sure many of us were all very sexual and everybit as wonderful as the OW, it goes to reason the GR or OW woman would get old too, yet they manage to live with them and maintain a relationship with them, but all the stuff in between, we never see, we dont see how they truly treat them, we dont see all the excuses they say to avoid sex with them, we dont see any of the real guts of their other relationships, we think we are just being treated like this, we think oh I just dont have what it takes to be his steady eddie, BULLSHIT, we had everybit as much as anyone else and maybe more. Ya I always heard that crap too, my GF lives with me pretty much full time, GF this, GF that, he treats her like a GF alright, so special and loves her SOOOO MUCH, that is why he is screwing me and others all the time behind her back, if she is his GF than I am the POPE. Did you ever stop baddream to ever look back and see how distorted our thinking became when we were with them? Why did I for one minute ever believe it possible you can truly love someone yet sleep with countless others behind their back? Love doesnt work that way, when you truly CARE and LOVE SOMEONE, you will care in your heart what would HURT them, there is no "Oh what they dont know wont hurt them", because THE PERSON DOING THIS TO THEM KNOWS, and that should be enough to say, hey I care about my partner enough and respect her enough to not do that behind her back, mine has a sexual perversion addiction but yet he DOES NOT CARE what his mental addiction does to others, he wants it ALL, he wants the comfortable life of a woman to care for him and be there when he gets home from work, yet he is unable to give up his sick addiction on the side, so he uses her to supply one need and uses others to supply his other needs, I often wonder years down the road will he give her up, or give up his side perversion, which does he need more? Since they cant love and are pathological in nature, you take a guess?
The "full time girlfriends" are in a bad place. If they are still with him, then they haven't been strong enough to get away.
Of course he is treating her poorly. Worse than he ever treated us, because we were strong enough to get away and started NC. The girlfriend is still there because:
1. She is still in denial, or goes along with his lies
2. She turns the other way when he cheats
3. She gives him money, because he does not work
4. She bails him out of all his screw ups
5. She allows herself to continually be abused
6. She is still useful to him
7. She has not critisized or confronted him
8. She is trapped and can not get away.
The girlfriends (if you are reading this) must get away from him too. We are all either the past GF or the OW here, he treats us all the same.
When we show him we can get away, he usually comes after us to get us on his string again. Then we must be very strong and remember our contract with No Contact.
1 through 6: describes Psycho-Boy's wife perfectly.
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"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Boy, you really nailed it... I feel the same way. Thank you. I'm so happy for NC, it has been a wonderful tool in my life. He text me the other day... I never responded and don't plan to ever....... :0
I am so happy for you that you are using "the tool" and that you are happy and haven't responded to the hoovering attempts! It is always encouraging to hear this from one of our own. NC works! As hard as it is, especially at the beginning.
oh boy Barbara
Yes, yes Cynthia!
baddream
We are the lucky ones.
baddream
Boy, you really nailed it...
Thisisnotfun...you are an inspiration!
NC relief
cynthia