Where Do You Begin

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#1 Jun 29 - 12PM
cmcwilli
cmcwilli's picture

Where Do You Begin

Hello, as you can tell, I am new to the forum but I would really appreciate hearing form someone who has recently gotten out of a relationship w/N.

We have been going back and forth for the past 2 years, been together a total of 4. As you all know, your confidence is so low that you are incapable of taking a stand and saying no.(at least I am) I truly want to be free of this man but whenever he leaves, I genuinely try to move forward knowing the relationship will never work. Two to three months later, he shows up and I feel sorry for him, or whatever the emotion is that allows me to keep taking him back. Please help!

cmcwilli

Jun 29 - 1PM
Jodie
Jodie's picture

We all know what you are

We all know what you are going through, it's torture. Leaving them is excruciating pain. I was lying in the fetal position for months sobbing away and had a nervous breakdown when I left by NH. It's NOT easy but you MUST have no contact. None. I changed my number and blocked his number from my work phone. Every time you engage with him you are taking one step closer into a mental hospital. It's called crazy making behavior. Ns don't make sense, they never will. Don't fall for his promises of change, that's a JOKE. He is an N for life. Life! I went back and forth for 5 years. I dwindled into a puddle. Lost my dignity, self worth and health was being greatly affected. It gets better with time I promise. But the No Contact rule is crucial. It's your only key to sanity. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jun 29 - 12PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

you already have

1. get yourself counseling - even short term. ASAP! 2. INSTITUTE NO CONTACT. none. zero. (See our MESSAGE BOARD for more on No Contact) 3. Keep coming here - the members will help you through it all. 4. Get Lisa's book. It's well worth it. 5. Listen to Lisa's free BlogTalkRadio shows: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim You are not alone. Read all you can on the narcissist. Life will be so much better without him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 29 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
cmcwilli
cmcwilli's picture

Where Do I Begin

Thank you for your response. It is very lonely here but I know that i will get past this. I have to if I ever want to have a normal life. I wanted to ask, is it normal for the N to be silent and me having the urge to wonder his whereabouts? I think this is tactics on his part.
Jun 30 - 1AM (Reply to #8)
Marie
Marie's picture

cmcwilli

NO CONTACT, it's the number one most important rule right now. Do anything you possibly can no matter how hard it is to not listen to this liar. When I read your posts I just wanted to hug you knowing your pain all too well. My relationship began unraveling when I started to see the man my N really was. It was too late by then I was head over heels in love with him making so many excuses for his behavior instead of seeing it for the abuse that it was. What he's doing is abusive to you, mine did the same. Abandonment, avoidance, neglect, silent treatment is all emotional abuse and it's cruel. You deserve so much better than that. Mine abandoned me. Dropped off the face of the earth. He'll say it wasn't intentional but up until that moment there wasn't a moment I wasn't tripping over him. After almost a month of not seeing/hearing from him I ran into him one late night at Starbucks. I'll never forget that moment, my heart leaping at the sight of him, then dying when he looked through me. He excused himself to the men's room. I cried for days, I could barely get out of bed. Everything piled up around me, I was so overwhelmed it never seemed I'd be able to pull myself out. Yes they use many tactics. Mine at one point began parking his car outside my house, a friend lives a few doors down. I pretended not to notice it and never mentioned it. We had not spoken in two months and he called me angrily saying "Do you know my mom's in the hospital?" Felt sorry for the lady, don't wish her dead but honestly by then didn't care, least of all about how he was dealing with it. He'll call angrily or fake concern for various things, I've learned to block him and his tantrums out. He'll reel you in then throw you out. Things that helped me were: -keeping a journal, making lists of all the terrible things he's done; this I found invaluable because eventually they slither back and you can remind yourself of all the pain they caused over and over -when I felt lonely I'd call anyone else other than him -went away around holidays or birthdays -went back to old hobbies I wasn't able to keep up with because he was all consuming -when I started feeling down I'd take myself out for a walk, go to a movie or even just went out for a coffee The idea is to keep yourself busy and not dwell on him or have any contact. You might feel lonely but being involved with an N is lonely. You are just a pawn in their sick game. The hardest thing for me to face was the fact that he didn't love me. When I think about some of the good times I shared with him, I miss that. The thing you have to realize is that the good times are fake. The reality with an N is the crazy making, abandonment, womanizing, lying, instability. This is a great forum. So many wonderful ladies, articles. Reading was and is another thing that helps. So many stories that sound so familiar, you will see you are not alone. Don't ever doubt yourself or think there was something had you done different. Instead look forward to make a happier uncrazy life for yourself. Hugs and best to you. Marie
Jun 29 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

cmcwilli

Yes. VERY NORMAL. Great time for you to change your locks, your phone number and BLOCK HIM!! NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 29 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

cmcwilli

Welcome to our forum. I'm so happy you found us. Sorry to hear what you're going through. Yes, narcissists often play silent treatment as a way to re-engage us. Do not fall for it. Stay strong and stay away. Practicing "No Contact" is the best way. We're here for you. Big Hugs, Lisa
Jun 29 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
whatever2009
whatever2009's picture

OH YES!!!

YES!!!! Its part of the game. and if you dont call him, he will then find some stupid excuse to call you. To intrigue you, and get you curious again. They want to be wanted, and when they are not, they freak out and find ways for you to WANT them all over again!!!
Jun 29 - 8PM (Reply to #4)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Ditto

Absolutely true. The silent treatment from a distance is one of my Ns favorites. His never last long... although I suspect they will after Wednesday when we close on the house. But he feels free to hang up, not answer the phone, not respond to e-mails... and when he finally did respond he would never fail to tell me how busy he was and how much time it was taking him to respond when he was so busy. But GOD FORBID I not respond immediately. I would get 4 to 5 phone calls within two hours (and it was often 4 to 5 in a row when we were really together) It has been excruciating and then I get so mad at myself for being in pain or missing him. Wanting so much to have meant something to him besides a piece of A___ and a means to living in a nice house. Mine did contribute financially but not nearly as much as he bragged to everybody... all the extras were "on me" and it was my salary that got us into a house. But I think this behavior is very very common. I am so recently out of it that I just spoke to him. Although I kept it brief. I am going to have to go NC all the way after Wednesday and that's when I think it will be really really hard. Up until now, although I've tapered off a lot, I've been afraid to cut him off for fear he would drag out the refinancing of the house longer.
Jun 30 - 1AM (Reply to #5)
Marie
Marie's picture

finallydone

Sorry I had to laugh. Mine is the same exact way, not answering email, calls. If I do that he'll ring the phone off the wall and the next thing I'll hear is pounding at the door. It would be comical if I didn't feel concerned about his sudden rages. That's the thing I don't get either. All he wanted from me was a piece of A__ and to look good on his arm. He went off and found another piece, abandoned me but then will call me after a week goes by in a rage. The best is NC. I got sick of his tantrum phone calls or his lame excuse calls. He actually called one time to see if my paper had gotten soaked in the rain, if I needed a new one.