Who do they think they are?

I started to compose a post yesterday and was called away and did not get an opportunity to finish it. I was thinking about a few things that of course got my wheels turning.......

I thought of my ex-husband/narc and my other narc (don't really have a title for him anymore, cause God only knows what he was to me) and I was thinking of everyone else's narc that I have gotten to know over the months on this forum.

I have read many posts and have talked to members about their narcs and I can't help but be angered and annoyed. I am trying to deciver who I am more angry at, myself or the narcs.....I have had a pretty good handle on this whole phenomenon and have always attempted to be a voice of reason. That is the way I have always attempted to broach things throughout my life and have been pretty sucessful in doing so. Now though, since my last encounter with narc #2, I started to question whether or not I truly had a handle on these matters. I found myself doubting myself, 2nd guessing myself, and asking all over again the questions I had sought answers to in the very beginning.

As I was was doing so, I realized that I already knew the answers to my questions, I don't need to doubt myself or 2nd guess myself. The whys, the why nots, the hows, the how comes. The answers remain the same.......what I realized, is I just once again, someway, somehow, allowed this narc to twist things up, twist me up. There are no NEW answers, there are no NEW reasons. This was simply me re-evaluating, as if I was all the way back at the beginning. I don't need to be back at the beginning, he did not put me there, I put me there. And for one reason and one reason only......I broke NC that last time when my brother was in the hospital. And he took advantage of me and my need for him. I allowed it, I knew better as I had said when this all went down again......Chutes and Ladders......but I realized, I may have to start out at day one when NC was broken, and I may need to re-evaluate what "I" am doing, but I don't have to go back to the basics, there is nothing new to read, no new relevations to see, I no longer have to educate myself on the disorder that we have been affected by. I know more than I care to at this point. What I need to concentrate on now is me, and maybe ask myself "why". I know my excuse, for say, as to why......my need to reach out to him that time because of my brother in the ICU. But I think I need to ask myself to dig a little more deeper into me......for instance, I know I turned to him for comfort and support at that trying time, but really? Why would I turn to him during a time of need, when I know full well that I will come up empty of any solace or care. Why, knowing this, did I do this? Why? That is my question now, and I am determined to find the answer. My gears have shifted, I know all the answers to what makes the narc tick, why he feels the need to punish me or torture me, what he is and why he is who he is. I also know the basic textbook answers as to why I do and why I allow. I want to know more though. I want to dig a little deeper inside me and spend less time concerning myself with what he has done to affect me the way he has.

I know all the signs needed to detect a narc. Hell, I can see one coming from a mile anymore. Seriously.......what I am interested in learning at this point, is more about me. I want to concentrate more on me, not him. Afterall, it is me that I will spend the rest of my life with. Nobody else.......I will be with "me" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If I can give myself half the attention that I gave my narc, than I am in pretty good shape!

Honestly, who the hell do they think they are? It has to stop. They are not worth all of this grief and aggravation. No man is...........no one is.

If I had a dime for every time I gave a thought about the narcs or made an effort fo the narc, I would be a wealthy woman. If I had a dime for evertime they did the same, I would be living in poverty.

Plain and simple.........