Why???

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 20 - 3AM

marie27m

Why???

I am SO confused all over again!!! So i've been NC for 11 days and then my exN turned up at my house at 1am on Saturday morning. I opened up for him after he said he needed to talk, of course I know I shouldn't have but I did anyways... He was relatively drunk and then proceeded to tell me he loves me, still wants to be with me and I'm the only woman for him (take into account he dumped me). Innitially I laughed it off as 'drunk talk' but then some people actually tell the truth when they're drunk. I don't know why I did it but we ended up having sex and for the first time ever he really kissed me and it was more 'love making' than just fcking, as he would say. And also for the first time ever he pulled me up against him when we fell asleep, actually cuddled! He was everything I always wanted him to be, that's the man that I always wanted him to be.

And then he phones me Saturday night and calls me all the little names he called me when we were still together. Yet when I saw him yesterday he was distant again, he said he was just tired. Last night I emailed him to ask if he remembered the things he said to me on Friday night, and he said he can't remember a thing. So I told him what he said and also said that I'm confused because sometimes people say how they relly feel when they're drunk. And now he hasn't responded again. I know what all of you will say, but I can't help but think that maybe he does love me and still want to be with me, but that he's just afraid to admit it. Or that he doesn't even realise it? I was really moving on from everything but now I'm confused all over and again hoping. Why am I doing this to myself!! Please help me, I just can't seem to forget how he was Friday night!

#2 Sep 20 - 3PM

hopefuljms

These guys are known far and

These guys are known far and wide for saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. I have told told my complete story here yet, mainly because I am just not able to yet. What I can tell you is that mine (we were together off and on for 10 years) told me (and my friends) the same thing, that he loved me, that he was happiest when he was with me, that he wanted to marry me... Imagine my surprise when I found out he was engaged to someone else at the same time. Oh and to rub salt in the wound she is 17 years younger than he his. He used the benefit of our being 4 1/2 hours apart to live dual lives. Do not trust what they say... drunk or sober!

#3 Sep 20 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

kiwi10

hopefuljms ...

dont feel too bad... i was 14 years younger than me husband and he treated me the worste of all. he beat me, cheated on me, and left me constantly...

#4 Sep 20 - 1PM

betty2020

It really breaks my heart to

It really breaks my heart to see you in this pain. You will spend the rest of your life trying to decipher the truth from him but in the end you will have no more clarity than you do today. Back and Forth, push and pull. I know it is painful to accept but you need to begin to look at the reality of what he has done and is continuing to do to you. As briese said, look at the over all actions. Yes he may have reeled you back in by the cute words and the cuddles but remember what the narcissist tactics are luv. They know how to act to get what they want. Drunk or not it is a natural flow for them. They can act in their sleep if they need too and their damn good at it! I know nothing we say will make you see until you are ready. I came to this board and got my butt handed to me more than once and still didnt get it until the light just flipped on one day. You have to go through what you have to go through but just know that we are still here. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#5 Sep 20 - 1PM

Briseis

It could be that he truly

It could be that he truly loves you and just doesn't know "how" to go about expressing himself. But that's only ONE of many possibilities, you have to admit that. Considering that he was very cruel to you, by dumping you, he could have just been horny and unlucky, so he came back to you for a "sure thing". It's so "convenient" that now he's forgotten all the lovely things he said, too. I'd put this picture together from ALL of the pieces, hon. Don't just pick out the pieces that you like and try and figure him out. Take ALL of his actions toward you, especially the ones that hurt you very much. That, and all the good times, will be the only way you will get the TRUTH of what he feels for you. Watch people's behavior, how they act first. Listen to their words and what they say second. That is a golden rule. It's a lesson all of us on this board have had to learn the hard way :(

#6 Sep 20 - 4AM

Alibi_10

Marie

I have been here too and can totally understand what you must be feeling. You know yourself that the answer is to not engage with these people but that is not a criticism because I have done it too for all the wrong reasons and not with a good outcome. My observation is that they compartmentalise, so even though drunk he probably meant it at the time, but it is like getting a fix then that will keep him going till he needs another. Your question is why? I have to agree with the because he can comment, but I just want you to know you are not alone with wanting to believe there is something good can come of it. If I had a penny for the times I have thought this but since being on here the evidence is they don't change. Hugs.

#7 Sep 20 - 6AM (Reply to #12)

marie27m

Thank you for reminding me

Thank you for reminding me I'm not alone, that many of you have gone through the same thing. I can really kick myself for wanting to believe him. He just said all the right things and I so wish he changed. It's like no matter what, I find myself wanting to be with him despite everything. And I'm usually a very rational person!

#8 Sep 20 - 4AM

Scoop

Oh sweet heart , its so

Oh sweet heart , its so confusing when they put the mask back on even if it was only for a night , you think woop woop he is back i knew he was in there somewhere , and then the d&d kickes in and the pain and confusion is over whelming . Take it from me as i have been hovered 7 times now it is a slow painful realisation that you are actualy being played around like a cat plays with a mouse . Maybe read the post put up yesterday on the narc just not understanding emotions because they never learnt them . It will help you to understand his confusing behaviour , it dosent excuse it but it may help you get to a "ahh ha" monent on friday night . The average narc lives in the moment , how do they get their needs met right here right now . You say that the truth comes out when he is drunk , but he convienently forgot what he said , I use to say "he kisses me in his sleep , how can he fake afection when he is asleep !?" what ever his motivation if he cant carry it through to sober or waking life then whats the point . I know how hard nc is but it is the only way to protect youre self from the pain you feel right now . Just imagin never feeling this way again , this is what nc does it stops him from hurting you again . Keep strong . x

#9 Sep 20 - 6AM (Reply to #9)

marie27m

It's funny, I actually also

It's funny, I actually also thought at some point that if he can't be that way sober, then there is no point. But I find myself sometimes wondering if he really is a narc, I guess hoping more than anything, maybe he's just confused or don't know how to express himself, I keep finding excuses. But deep down I know I have to move on...

#10 Sep 20 - 6AM (Reply to #10)

Used

marie27m

its b/c you still have hope, that he ment it and it will be diffrent this time ,it wont ever be diffrent, if he ever tries it again, see how he reacts when you say no. i know i sound harsh, but you have been hurt all over again for some of this man company, he feels fine ,he got what he wanted, he is sorted, i said to narc, there must be some one you go round to who says no, he said there isnt, otherwise i wouldnt be there.. what a way to live, thats what i said to him, dont you see how pointless your life is. but as thats all he knows. strange how they are all alcholics or drug addicts, all that substance abuse to get out of their heads, they are all such unhappy bunnies....

#11 Sep 20 - 4AM

fooled no longer

Why ?? Because he can

The male answer to this, and its a little crude, is: Why do male dogs lick their balls - answer: Because they can.

#12 Sep 20 - 4AM (Reply to #2)

marie27m

Interesting... So he really

Interesting... So he really just said it 'cause he can' and then to get me in bed? I guess I was 'hoping' that because he was drunk what he said was actually the truth? I need this crude honesty now, so thank you!

#13 Sep 20 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

Used

marie27m

yes ,i agree with b/c i can, i know that the n used to go round his women after the pub, just turn up they would let him in, where he would to them what your one done, then d/d them, isaid why,treat them like that, he said cos i can, and cos they let me.. i said i wouldnt stand for that[we were freinds ] from anyone and he said, i know you wouldn;t thats why they wouldnt even try with you ,he turned up uninvited to my home, in the beginning of freindship, and i said dont you ever do this again, you wait till you are invited and i closed the door in his face....... he never done it again, but you have to lay down so many ground rules with these guy,s b/c otherwise they do what they like!, when they like!!, with who they like!. they are not worth your spit. let alone your heart and sanity.

#14 Sep 20 - 7AM (Reply to #4)

marie27m

Ugh because he can, so

Ugh because he can, so true... I think what gets to me as well is having to think that you actually get people who use others like that, I can't wrap my head around it. And I allowed it. He said he feels bad for saying all that stuff but I guess he knew exactly what he was doing while he was doing it.

#15 Sep 20 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

alma25

yes, only because he can

I was hoover many times. The last time I was extremely weak and hopeless.I remember myself repeating: oh, this time he was so sincere, this time he was so real. I was o scared and afraid to trust him again. I remember exactly when I was standing in the corridor, looking into his face. I told him: please, don't do this to me again because I won't handle it. And you know he had tears in his eyes and he said: I won't. I promise. We can make it. Two weks later the same thing repeated.No, not the same. The worst of all, I think.He didn't care.Simply.And I can tell you for 100% that he would do this one more time, and one more and more and more if only I let him. I understand what you can feel and that now you can't see what can be in your future.I understand that you hold your hope and don't want to let go. I understand that you're afraid of being alone, of never love once again but the truth is he'll destry you and won't even notice cause he sees only himself. You're a great person, lovable, fragile and you deserve someone who will treat you the same way, every day, no matter sober or drunk.And there are guys ike that out there. and one of them will be proud to be with you. Don't let him destroy you cause really you'll be dying of pain and he won't even notice that.He can't cause all his attention is focused on him.

#16 Sep 20 - 2PM (Reply to #6)

almostlydia

I can't even count the

I can't even count the times, always wishing, always hoping then finally, eventually knowing that it would never ever be possible. He did what he did because he had to. He needed it, he couldn't do anything else, didn't know anything else, and couldn't manage anything else. He needed that 'fix' and when he came back to me it was because he needed it from me this time. When he was with me, he needed it elsewhere. That was just the way it would always be. In his perfect world, he would marry me and have his secret 'fixes' on the side and be totally content. But where would I be? This is a very difficult time for me - football season. It was probably our favorite and best time for so many years. Now I sit and watch alone and I miss his companionship. I am trying to stave off the sadness from it but it lingers. It's just what I have to do because I know the truth and it's a life I never want to be a part of anymore. You will see this too eventually. You are definitely not alone. Stay strong and true to yourself because he will never be. almostlydia

almostlydia

#17 Sep 20 - 6PM (Reply to #7)

jaycee

I cant even count the

almostlydia, how odd you say this is your hardest time, football season, It was our fav and best time for all the years we were together, i cant even watch the games, im so sad, knowing he is watching them with her. it breaks my heart into thousands of pieces. i cried so hard Sunday all day, knowing she had the illusion of watching the game with him. although, he pretends he enjoys it together, but i know in his mind he wishes he were at a bar watching it with the guys or alone in his room, watching it by himself. but the illusion was so fun i felt like i had the perfect companion to watch my fav sport with. these narcs really f people up. im a mess again, its my own fault, i should just know what he is and not care he is with her, eventually, she will see him without his mask...........

Jaycee

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