why am i in love with this fucker

I agree...there is something that has us convinced this is love when it truly isn't. It's addiction, it's avoidance, it's idealization...but it's not love. Love is NOT conditional...you don't EARN it, you don't LOSE it. The problem is...if we label this as love..then when we do find love, we won't be able to appreciate it as such because it won't be what we know of as "love" and we will continue to be attracted to men who won't treat us right. I do think that somewhere deep in our unconcious that we feel that being with the Narc will somehow be the "answer" to our desire to be known and loved and unfortunately the opposite happens. Feelings of abandonment, hurt, anguish, lonliness are not feelings we want to feel...but trying to avoid them through anything outside ourselves whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, relationships etc. will only be a temporary fix. We need to really go inward and find ourselves and know that "this too shall pass" and we will find our joy again as we come to know ourselves again. Being single is not a curse but an opportunity to really get to know the wonderful person that you are so that (when you are ready) you can find someone who can truly love all of who you are..and you love yourself enough to know when you find true love versus another addiction/idealization. HUGS

That is excellent insight, I agree. I think too the yearning and ache comes from a place like I had...for a man...any man...to cure my childhood trauma I suffered as a kid, and NO man...good bad or whatever can do that. Only God and myself can work on things, to heal me from that. So, much of my views on love came from an unhealthy childhood. Most of our unhealthy views of anything (and healthy ones) come from family ties. I no longer struggle with this inside of myself. I'm happy to be free from abusive men, especially the one I broke up with this year. (the most recent narc) I think if we don't get to the root of why we yearn to be ''loved'' by an abuser, we will continue winding up in more abusive relationships...long after we've healed from the ones we just left. Here's to knowledge, and healing!

Yes, I still have these feelings too. It's like we want to go to them and have them ease our pain, tell us they care/cared, loved us, missed us etc..., but they are the worst place to go for love, comfort, and nurturing, bc they are the ones who hurt us and abandoned us. I just remembered calling mine an "Abandoner" early on. I think part of this is the "addiction." In the midst of the r/s, the SAME dynamic existed. Anytime I had a need or a question, bc I'd hear something about him or I was starting to see the cracks and contradictions, and I'd go to him, WHAM, I'd get abused. This made me try harder to get him to understand, hear me, validate me...chase, chase, chase. This I think is a pattern that feeds this need we have from them. The very fact that we cannot and can NEVER GET what we need/want from them, drives this unhealthy addiction. Think about it, if they had responded normally for once, with compassion, nurturing, and reassured us, BUT KNOWING what we KNOW NOW, and thus, we could make a healthy, rational choice, would we still want these men? NO, probably not! Yet, last night, I was triggered by hearing some music, songs he'd sing, used to listen to, talk about... I started crying. In the middle of crying, I think, "Why am I crying, I know he was a jerk?" Went ahead and allowed myself this bc I know it's just part of the process, cry him out of my system. One day, more of the real guy will stay with us, and we'll be over this, but the pretend guy is still so much in our HEARTS:(

This is beautiful and so true. I am more and more amazed all the time on how similar our N abusers are....it's scary. Our situations while different, are strikingly similar....just goes to prove we were all dealing with psychos........Hey! I'm married to a psycho! How funny does THAT sound! Hahaha! The sad part is the fact it was true!

"The truth is he caused the pain and anguish and he abandoned me." I experienced the exact same thing from my narc and the love we felt is really only for the man they pretended to be - not who they really are. My ex used to say to me "you don't really love me, you just think you do". At the time it made no sense to me, of course I loved him, but in retrospect I just didn't see who he really was. I thought that was my fault, but no, it wasn't. HE portrayed himself a certain way and then withdrew it. THAT is not our fault! The pain will stop, it really will. It takes time and we MUST grieve the man we loved. He died. Some say he was never real, but he WAS to us... for awhile he was as real as anyone else we've known, until the mask was removed and a stranger stood before us. Be kind to yourselves, both of you! This pain won't last forever, even if it feels like it right now. ((hugs))