why are people drawn and almost addicted to pathologicals?

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#1 May 6 - 11PM

neverlookback

why are people drawn and almost addicted to pathologicals?

I was thinking about this the past few days, why I was so damn addicted and enthralled with him. I am not talking about the sex, and the artificial charm and terms of endearment but the effect he had on me when he was with me, I couldnt think straight. I wonder if it is because they act for everyone and mirror everything they know that person wants them to be? They are always so calm, collected at least mine was. Isnt it strange how they appear on the outside and how really really messed up they are in the inside, one would never believe for one minute he didnt really have a personality of his own and that he sucks from others to feed from. They appear as the most confident men in the world but are TERRIFIED of anybody ever loving them. Any thoughts why they are so enticing?

#2 May 19 - 10AM

dudette

after months of therapy

I can tell you that I was emotionally and physically abused my my N mother and P father.... the resurgent memories of my mother gaslighting me as a child for instance have been very potent.... and so therefore my NC count is currently at 3 toxic people totally out of my life.... Do I miss any of them????? not at all Pretend guy comes back to haunt me sometimes, but then again I know full well he did not exist....

#3 May 19 - 7AM

momoya

Interesting

I was also wondering about how they can groom us to look forward to their communication via with holding communication! We want to talk to them so bad and at first they are so avaialable and soon that all changes. ?

momoya

#4 May 19 - 6AM

naive46

Before I knew he was an N I even said to myself "I'm addicted"

My story is similar to yours above. My marriage had been sexless and emotionally disconnected for years. My N "friended" me on Facebook after 25 years. We had started a relationship at the end of high school but I went on to college and he went into the Army. We wrote for a few months but the next thing I knew I had heard from a mutual friend that he had gotten married. Anyway, most of our 5 month relationship was email, text, phone calls. We met at Christmas for drinks, slept together (all planned and he was sadistic - which was my biggest clue something wasn't quite right...not like I was married and it mattered or anything...what the Fu&& was I thinking?) He did know just the right things to say. He texted me often and poured on the attention. I loved it and no doubt returned it and then some and he fed on it. I thought he'd "dump" me after we slept together but he kept contacting me....especially when I knew he was with his main "girlfriend". (I knew of many others.) With the distance and less and less contact I started to put all of his comments, lifestyle, behavior together and found this website. It all made sense. I told him he had to ignore me as I had started counseling and was working on my marriage. He was so pissed. Two weeks later he emailed me and said I was doing the right thing??? Even with 2.5 months of NC, I'm still hooked and reading reading everything. It's the weirdest thing I have ever done and I was "aching" to do it. That is

#5 May 19 - 6AM (Reply to #20)

Lobo555

Crack in Human Form

I often referred to my narc as "human crack." It *is* an addiction! Need to lay off that crack pipe. ;) I'm 2 mons NC and don't intend to break that. Ever.

#6 May 19 - 7AM (Reply to #21)

sara-smile

Lobo555

I referred to myself as a "crackhead" all the time. I still feel like a crackhead junkie in detox!

#7 May 8 - 2PM

ifinallygotit

I hate to admit it but

I have been addicted to everyone of my serious boyfriends and they were all very long term relationships - not good ones and I could never get out. All of my ex boyfriends were charismatic, very self-centered,, charming great lovers and fun to be with. I could never get enough attention from any of them... I think it is from being codependent with unresolved childhood conflicts...I keep playing it out. and it gets worse and worse! We attract those who are at the same developmental level as us. The person clinging (me) attracts the person pushing away (N) - just different forms of unresolved abandonment issues... Now I am in my 50's trying to recover from the craziest abandonment ever! never have I been so devastated. So please take your recovery seriously so that you may heal and have a happy life with someone and be proud of the life you live. This pattern can be recognized and broken. I feel I have been too afraid to really look at myself until now (and I have regrets that I am this old and still with so much internal work to do...no kids because of poor choices with men). My mom is an N, so I was also indoctrinated into thinking abuse is normal. I was treated like crap from day one (sorry its Mother's Day). I never felt worthy from being screamed at my whole life and never paid attention to. I had almost no parenting... For some of us though it was just bad luck to run into a bad guy and we just did not know what we were getting into. For me its a pattern. Maybe I am more comfortable in the make believe world of romantic intimacy than the real thing (buying toilet paper, groceries, attending to sick kids, having less than fabulous sex, the mundane stuff that the N's hate). I think I am kind and loving but have problems that cannot be blamed entirely on my crazy EX N. and I did love him despite all his short comings..

#8 May 19 - 1PM (Reply to #17)

neverlookback

YES

you certainly have finally gotten it!!!!! YES YES YES, this is what my counselor spoke to me about. I had issues in childhood of horrible abandonment, so this wound from this man really had me vulnerable. So please take your recovery seriously so that you may heal and have a happy life with someone and be proud of the life you live. This pattern can be recognized and broken. This is the core of MY problem at least as you very well stated it, the patterns can be recognized and dealt with, my counselor always said you have to know this is your weakness and you will have to overcome it maybe for the rest of your life from the damage you endured as a child.(before I was adopted) I was almost 6 and my personality was already developed, even though my adoptive parents were WONDERFUL and gave me guidance and love and constant reinforcement it could not undo the damage during those first five years that are vital to a child's development. So now as you stated, here I am also in my early 50's and again I was abused and abandoned by this disordered man. Many people tell me but he never abandoned you - you are the one that left the relationship - they could not have been more wrong, he abandoned me from DAY ONE, they are really never with us, they just make it seem like they are until the final discard when the mask falls and we see the truth which ever comes first. Seems I set myself up for my own abandonment but of course I had no idea when I met him he was disordered. I think that is another good thing we should all remember when we say he dumped me to the curb or he discarded me vs the ones that LEFT THEM, etc.... WE WERE ALL dumped to the curb ladies, I mean look at the ones who could give a rats ass if we went NC and left, look at the ones that hoover, big deal that didnt make you more important in their eyes, he just wanted to suck more supply from you, he wasnt done with you yet, some of them never want to be done with you, and we are supposed to just be there when they call and yell hail mary when they contact us and we think, Oh he still wants me..... I meant something to him, we meant nothing to them but just a person to USE - some of us were just more useful to how they could USE US. It certainly wasn't because he loved so and so more, with a true narco path they keep you around for what they can use you for. I see that so clearly with his relationship with his GF, she is of more USE to him, she is probably a GREAT cover for the sick side life he has and he will hang on to that fiercely, and we interpret that as he loves her more, its hard to wrap our minds around how they think and I am glad I dont understand all the dimensions of it because if I did then I would be thinking like a psycho. I read all this but cant feel in my heart how someone could live this way and behave this way. Good points you brought up, its something to really try and figure out because its better than banging our heads against the wall trying to make sense of how we ALLOWED a person to treat us this way, the cause can go way back to our childhood. x0x0

#9 May 22 - 12AM (Reply to #18)

whoknew

doesnt matter who left who

i agree. i dont think it matter who leaves who. i left my ex n and still ended up feeling like he left me because he immediately started a new relationship. it doesnt make me feel any better to know that i was the one that left...i still hurt like hell and feel that i was/am totally insignificant and disposable. i am learning not to take it so personal, thats just how they operate.

#10 May 8 - 7PM (Reply to #16)

gettinbetter

You are so correct on this.

You are so correct on this. We both have abandonment and self esteems issues it just manifest differently but the core wounds are the same. He said gettinbetter I always felt comfortable with you. Now I know why. Go to gettinbetter.com (nothing to do with me)it Shari Schreibers site and read everything about borderline pd. She discusses this very issue

#11 May 8 - 11AM

jen79

great question

I thought long about this too. Mine has a whole fan community going crazy over him, so why is it, people feel drawn to him like flies to light. I think its because he represents some dark archetype for most people, a shadow aspect they themselves havent let out yet, he is this sort of broken hero type in puplic. So I guess its the I will safe him and make him happy, therefore he has to be grateful to me for the rest of his life. I know it, cause I felt the same. Very unhealthy. Once you have start to heal that aspect within you, and do your shadow work, you will not feel attracted to this anymore. What I had a hard time letting go, was the other persona he played for me, I didnt want to believe this wasnt real. But it really wasnt.

#12 May 8 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

neverlookback

Horrible thing to do to someone NOT EVEN HUMAN

What I had a hard time letting go, was the other persona he played for me, I didnt want to believe this wasnt real. But it really wasnt. I KNOW and isnt that just a mind screw of all mind screws? For someone to do that to another person? Its like one day they say hey I am not really this loving, kind, perfect man you thought I was, on the side I go out and rape women and beat up old ladies that is who I REALLY AM, but you still love me dont you baby? Its like discovering your husband is an ax murderer on the side and you sleep with this monster every night in your bed - that is how bad the betrayal is from the persona they played for us, such a far contrast of who they REALLY are, its a hell of a deception to recover from, and just my damn luck I would attract the 10% of the population that are fricking psychopaths, I couldnt fall in love with a NORMAL person, no sir it had to be a damn psycho sexual predator con man, how unlucky can one get. Of course then again they can smell out good kind women from a mile away, I didnt have a chance I never ever saw it coming.

#13 May 7 - 6PM

Steph

I guess when you have to rely

I guess when you have to rely on feeding off and sucking energy from others in order to survive...you become really frickin good at it. You evolve in a way to preserve yourself. For them that means becoming better manipulators. They can't survive any other way, so they pull out all the stops in order to feel alive. It's sad really. but we can't get swept away with feeling sorry for them or thinking we can "love" them into being normal. We all have tried that....and look where it got us!

#14 May 7 - 1PM

Tinker

my therapist said today

...that telling a narc to relax and be himself will put him in a panic. he doesn't have his own personality and doesn't know WHO to be, but takes his cues from others. i don't know why i was addicted (and i WAS addicted). now just sad and depressed. once you see them totally for what they are and that when they're talking it's meaningless, it's hard to continue. someone told me that he was an archetype of the guy i wanted but it wasn't him. maybe so. my intuitist said that it terrified him that i could see through him, i knew too much. he obviously hates who he is.

#15 May 7 - 12PM

gettinbetter

Well in the words of my

Well in the words of my therapist everyon isn't. And now that I think about I have seen other pathologicals and had contact with them and could see right thru them eventhough back then I didn't even know there was such a thing. The thing is they weren't zoomed in on me or appealing to my needs wants or deficiencies so I could see right thru them however when they pick you as your target and hon in on your weaknesses you lose all objectivity. They have an uncanny ability to pick those with low self esteem or even a hint of of it but not always they may hon in on some other issue but they have the ability to know if there is any weakness in ypu

#16 May 7 - 12PM

sara-smile

NLB

I've wondered this same thing. Isn't it weird how blind you become around them? I have always said when I am around him I become STUPID. There isn't a better word for it. If he's in my face I have no common sense, no control, and ZERO self respect! Last week when I was around him so much I would get back to my office and I would think "what in the hell just happened and WHY were you talking to him"! If he's away from me I see so clearly but if you put him anywhere around me I turn stupid! LOL This is another reason why NC is so important!!! I have no idea why mine is so enticing. I don't get it at all. Hugs!! Sara

#17 May 7 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

neverlookback

Sara

I cant tell you the times I would return from seeing him and I would sayt he same thing, what the hell did I just do, who WAS that person and why when he walks in the room I just want to take my panties off for this monster, its like they just stun you and you are frozen - they totally take you over and when I was with him I was a nervous wreck all the time, I never never felt as ease with him, and that is not a good sign that should be a warning, he was always studying me, observing, one time I was twirling my hair and he said why are you so nervous, you CANT hide your nervousness from them for ONE SECOND they can smell it. Then they move in on you real fast, invading your space and completely take you over, it just must be a trait of a pathological person because they themselves lack the emotions we do, they can sense emotion in others very easily, and after all when you stop to think about a person that has no conscience, NOTHING bothers them so why would they have any reason to feel anxious or nervous no wonder they are always calm,

#18 May 7 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

Caligirl

sara-smile

I would say I became like "a deer in the headlights." I too at times felt stupid, like I wouldn't know my own name, lol. I would feel nervous, like I was being watched/studied. I don't get it. He was nothing special. Maybe it was fear.

#19 May 7 - 7AM

jaycee

I wish i knew the answer to your question

I want to know why i am so addicted to my hN. I wonder is it because he knows what i want to hear, and says everything he knows i want him to say.....or because when he is with me, he projects me onto him? i dont know, i just wish he were like me, and felt loyalty, love, affection, kindness, but he doesnt, hes cruel and mean, and its as if he gets off on my pain. im sick, sick inside knowing how he plays partner of the year with his ow, how he prances all over town with her, and is now totally into her, to the point of, making a huge deal of her birthday, he couldnt have bothered taking me anywhere and my birthday, never a celebration, never a gift i wanted but why with her different, i dont know??? all i know is i am addicted and wish i could see the devil he really is.........

Jaycee

#20 May 7 - 4AM

Bitter-sweet

why I was enticed

Thinking it over, there were several reasons why I was drawn to him. Firstly we had some history which he played up when he re-entered my life. We had a relationship as students and although I now see there were some N traits waiting to develop, he was only young then and they were not enough to warn me. So the 'you are the love of my life' stuff was hard to resist. Also ,when he came back into my life he was still in very good shape physically. He is very handsome, well over 6 foot and takes very good care of his appearance ( to the point of vanity). But the real reason is more difficult to admit. When he reappeared there were all sorts of problems in my life. Enter the N who realising this, used it all to his advantage and presented me with everything which was currently missing from my life: love, dreams of a shared future etc. What I need to admit is that I was a hopeless romantic. Somewhere inside me was still ingrained the idea that a man could come along, sweep me off my feet, rescue me and remove all the problems from my life. I think Ns know some of us are still lost in fairytales and capitalise on it. Lok at the way the media presented the Royal Wedding- in just that fairytale way. It was a big lesson for me. I've had to accept that the only person who can sort out my life... is me.

#21 May 7 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Caligirl

Bitter-sweet same with me

My exN came into my life at a time where there were struggles. I was living alone in a big city, and my family lived 9 hours away. I was dealing with medical issues. My self-esteem had probably suffered a bit due to that bc I was such an active person prior. One strange think I learned about my exN was that his ex-wife had medical issues when he married her. He told me he didn't love her, felt sorry for her, wanted to be a good guy. She was older (looked old) and not attractive, but she had money. I think he looked for vulnerable women. He was so charming. He told me he was a hopeless romantic. I said so am I. Once I started seeing how selfish he was, I just knew there was something wrong. I think some of us are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Peace and hugs.

#22 May 7 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

onwithmylife

Caligirl

your story sounds similar to mine, my marriage was crumbling and he came along and offered a big boost to my self esteem, he seemed so caring ,loving and attentive, said the spider to the fly because that is what I felt like and threw all caution to the wind and 15 years later am picking up the pieces of my life...........He told me he never loved his first wife and married her because everything was already in place

#23 May 7 - 11AM (Reply to #3)

Redhead1

I read Men Love Bitches last

I read Men Love Bitches last night. I see why I was hooked, I was a nice girl. I did a lot of things right. For the last 10 years, I was very indifferent to his moods and abuse but kinda went on with my life. I cooked when I wanted to.I done what I wanted and when I wanted. I still didnt leave him and didnt make him do his part in the house and with the kids. That was all he needed to continue his games. I think you have to be 100% bitch. For those who havent read the book, bitch isnt a bad thing. Its a woman who doesnt let people run over her.

#24 May 7 - 12PM (Reply to #4)

jaycee

redhead im with you

never bitched let him do his thing, but guess what he likes the ow because she is such a bitch, so maybe just maybe ill become a bitch and then, a man will want me, not for me, but for the bitch i will become.......lol.......wonder if the world will miss the passive sweet kind jaycee.....doubt it......

Jaycee

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