Why can't I get past this?

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#1 Nov 3 - 1PM
alicat
alicat's picture

Why can't I get past this?

I can't help thinking that my exN is going to treat his new OW better than me. He treated me bad early in the relationship because he was a train wreck from his impending divorce. Or so I thought. I had the mentality that I could save him and make him better. I know now that is not the case.

I know I need to keep moving forward and I have more good days now than bad, but I keep thinking that he will do so much better with this new girl rather than me. He even mentioned to me right after we broke up that his parents say how much better he is doing since we broke up!

I can't believe he shifted all the blame on me. He is making me out to be the crazy one. I am not! I have lots of supportive friends and family.

I know I need to get past this! I have been doing great with NC, but I just want all this crap to leave my head. Thanks for everyone's advice!!! I just wish it will all sink into my head!

Nov 4 - 7PM
a65703
a65703's picture

I'm also dealing with this. I

I'm also dealing with this. I posted this article: http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her It helped me so much. I suggest you read this link: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Is_it_possible_after_your_Narcissist_dumped_you_for_him_to_meet_another_girl_and_treat_her_well and this: http://sedonapsychicreading.com/spiritual-healing-blog/?p=40 Remember: You are lying to yourself to believe that the new source of supply is better in anyway than you are. You are already further ahead, no matter who that person is, because you are waking up and she/he is still sleeping in the illusion that this guy is who he is pretending to be. xx
Nov 4 - 10AM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

This is the nature of a PD/Addict

They always think that their actions are the fault of the "victim." The only time they will "appear" to take any responsibility is when they are trying to manipulate you. I frequently hear this comment. "They blame me for everything, even when I was loving them with all of my heart." "They tell me that it is my fault that they lie, cheat, steal, blame," ect... Once you truly "get this" on a gut level, you will no longer become affected by their words. This is one of the major reasons why they fail to seek treatment. Why would they? The have done nothing wrong. They will continue to blame you as long as you allow them to do so. Think of it this way. If someone were to keep blaming someone for something and everytime they did this, the person simply looked them in the face and laughed and said that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life. As oppossed to: Oh I am so sorry, I will do better and appear to feel badly over the blame and defend themself. Eventually when they can see that you refuse to take any of the blame they go right on to plan B, which is to pretend to apologize and say how badly they feel about all of what they have done to you, even though, they feel nothing about it. This is done only to lure you back in. The basic rule of thumb with a PD is that they do whatever works in order to manipulate and futher control you. If blame works then this is what you will get, if apologies work than this is what you will get, if ignoring you works then this is what you will get, and so on. When YOU reach the point where nothing they say affects you and you no longer buy into their games. They will find you to be bad supply. Supply which cannot be controlled and they will move on. So it is actually a complement to you when they move on. Basically they are saying: "I am no longer able to control and manipulate you by hurting you and keeping you down. This is now a waste of my time. I am off to find new more unsuspecting supply." God bless, Goldie
Nov 4 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
spinning
spinning's picture

Goldie! This is AWESOME

and so so so so true. I needed to read this today. I was D & D'd with the vanishing act because I could no longer be controlled. I know that. I was becoming very, very bad supply. I am going to remember that it was indeed my victory. Thank you for this. It is right on! I hope everyone reads this. Love, (your sister in recovery who is determined to never again be) spinning

spinning

Nov 4 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
alicat
alicat's picture

Thank you Goldie!! That

Thank you Goldie!! That really does put it in perspective for me! I actually really at one point thought I was going crazy. I would apologize and wonder why I was acting the way I was. I see now that it was him making me appear that way. He would go off on the littlest things. He was also the same with his exwife. Of course all the blame was shifted on her too. I know her well, and she is a respected person (owns her own buisiness) and well liked. She never to this day has contact with him. She used to go through me regarding their child and now he goes through her new husband. She actually did tell me that she has never been happier since divorcing him. Now he has new supply and I am sure he will do the same thing. I don't know what I would have done without this forum. I have learned so much, and now understand exactly what I went through.
Nov 3 - 2PM
alicat
alicat's picture

Thank you all for the

Thank you all for the information and encouragement! It really does make me feel better! All of the info is very useful to me! Thanks again! Alicat
Nov 3 - 2PM
lillymarch
lillymarch's picture

Ok, I've been there. It's

Ok, I've been there. It's not a fun place. And the ex Narc in my life still blames everything on me. And even though he will never be happy even if he was happy with the ow, who cares?! I think you're forgetting: You don't want him!! I had a good friend who once told me she was so sad one night after her divorce. She had put the kids to bed and was sitting on the floor of her room, hugging a pillow and rocking back and forth while she cried and cried for the man she divorced. Then, about 20 mins into her crying session, she stopped and realized, hmm, I don't even like this guy! She realized most of the pain and sadness wasn't about that ex but things from childhood, etc. Just keep remembering, you don't want that man. He's mean, abusive, and incapable of true love and friendship. What happens with him and the others he lies to is not your concern. You are your concern. I know it's hard. I can still had my moments but they are quick and fleeting! You are doing great!
Nov 3 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

ali, you are doing great,

and what you are feeling/thinking right now about this is normal, normal, normal and common for all of us. Here's a blog from Hunter, which Sparrow wrote and is spot on. I hope this helps you. It helps to read it a few times over a period of days and KNOW THAT IT IS THE TRUTH! I know it is because I've seen it/lived it with the disordered freak who tried to take me down. Chin up, girl! Great for coming here and posting your feelings on this and getting it out. YOU ARE DOING GREAT!! http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/10/31/ow-compliments-sparrow Most sincerely, (determined to not be) spinning. IT'S BORING AND THE DISORDERED ONE IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT OR THE ENERGY!

spinning

Nov 3 - 1PM
highlander
highlander's picture

I had been feeling the same

I had been feeling the same way, about the OM. I know it was my ego, but until recently, that thought haunted me. Someone recently posted this. Read it. It will make you feel better... B http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-other-woman-now-hes-happy-with-her
Nov 4 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
NarcJunkie
NarcJunkie's picture

Excellent article!

Thanks for posting it again. I really need to read these things regularly... my Narc has been with the OW for over 8 months now and she's STILL all happy and loved up. Looks like he's been showing her his good side only all these months while using me to vent his aggressions. Maybe now that he can't see me anymore and blame me for all his suffering, she will at least get the full Narc package.. and I'll get... peace!