WHY did always I pick an N?

1. My last N was the hardest, because he was the most intelligent among them. He was driven by wealth an a grandiose business idea. 100% celebral 2 years together.
2.The on before was a cone are N, doing stupid business deals, cheated on everyone, had a rich wife in the US -BIG SECRET-, who gave him money to survive, while he was having affairs on the other side of the world .. (she was the safe supply) 1X6 months, 1 X8 months with 4 years gap...
3.The one before was a physical N, obsessed with his body. 1x2 months 4 years gap 1x1,5 years.
4. The onewas a professional introverted N, who did everything to show we are all ok. 3 years

4 N within the last 10 years. Can't be just a coincidence.
THESE MEN KEPT GOING IN AND OUT in my life like a BOOMERANG. THE SAME MEN.

So more I got lost in this topic searching for my answers, closer I got to myself.
I had to ask the question WHY do I get these guys all the time? Now.. I think you attract the energy what you send out... So I was thinking. WHAT do I send out?

- I didn't know if my profession was right, which was picked for me by my father, even if I was successful
- I was afraid of men, because I was scared to get one like my father.
- I was afraid of official commitment, because of my parents marriage.
- I had VERY low self-esteem, because of my fathers critics, but I had HIGH - SELF confidence, what I needed as a child to survive (moved out at 14 from home)
-I was smiling and I had always people around me, because I was sensitive and funny
- I was good looking and had my own style
-I was SCREAMING from my heart for ACCEPTANCE and love

I WAS FULL OF LIFE WITH A LOTS OF HIDDEN INSECURITIES.

That's ok, but not enough. So I was digging deeper. People say you follow patterns you have learned at home as a child... Ok. So I went there and there HE was. MY N FATHER.
A textbook introvert professional N. As a child I only understood, that I was never good enough, once he told me "you are always just the second". His critics, acts and cold interactions were kind of normal at our house. He was ALWAYS distant, like he has never really belonged to us. I did not want a marriage like that. I did not want a partner like that. I did not want to live like my mother and as a child I did not want a father who always ruins the parties, always makes scenes, always has a personal issue with someone, always hurt and the world aka family has to go on his knees to please him.

And because I only knew what I DON'T want, I got it...

So now, I know that I am a worthy for love. I know, that my father is a sick, sad, lonely individual, who can't harm me anymore. I know that I have a choice and there are other ways in life not just be a victim of an N for a lifetime. I am free. Because the knowledge and a work on my wounded soul set me free.

Maybe this helps you too. Maybe you have the same patterns... please take a look.