"Will there ever be another"

I know for some of us this question lingers, will we ever meet anyone who made us feel as wonderful as our narc's did. That the narc set some kind of gold standard for feeling 'loved', in some ways.

I have been struggling with this, I know intellectually that a healthy love can feel good, but since I don't think I've ever experienced one, there remains a sense of pessimism.

So, here's something that is helping me. My estranged (by my choice, she is now in a nursing home) mother is a huge narcissist. Reflecting on my childhood being raised by her (she was also an alcoholic at the time), there were definitely times where we were close and loving and she said all sorts of things that made me feel 'special' -- but only between prolonged bouts of aloofness, hypercriticism, perfectionism, withdrawal, rages, and a total lack of empathy for any life form she shared a roof with.

At some point there was talk of removing me and my brother from her care and putting us in the care of Children's Aid. She actually raised the topic--I think she was warned by someone, the school or someone who had observed what was going on with the drinking, hoarding, filth, and neglect that she had better clean up her act. That's just a theory. But she threw that in our face every now and then, that 'if things didn't improve around here you could end up at Children's Aid'. We were children, and well-behaved, but as I entered my teens I started to challenge her more and more.

The notion of being removed from her terrified the hell out of me. Sure she wasn't perfect, I knew, but she was my mama and I loved her and I didn't want to be separated from her. Healthy, hunh?

It never happened, but I see some parallels at work here. Namely that I was attached to this dysfunctional individual despite the enormous harm that she was causing me. And: (important) goodness knows there were PLENTY of mothers (of my friends) who were clearly loving, supportive, nurturing, caring, empathetic, and kind, and my friends flourished in such households. They were happy, healthy, and I can see now how my friends realized their full potential as they matured.

So as difficult as it was (for a time, until I finally saw the light) for me to grasp that being with my mother was enormously destructive and as fearful as I was from being separated from her, the facts were there. She was poison to her children. Not sure that ending up at Children's Aid would have done me any good but the point is that our Narc's, despite how 'good' they make us feel, temporarily, are NOT a model upon which to base future relationships. That even if I cannot quite conceive of a relationship that is healthy and allows for the growth of both individuals and is still interesting and fun, the example of healthy mother/unhealthy mother helps me to understand that I need to *accept* that it is possible and refrain from fretting about the *what if it isn't* scenarios and just keep focusing on healing myself.

Hope that makes sense!

Also, when thinking about the good feelings that come from a relationship, I am now starting to frame it in terms of "runner's high" from a healthy relationship, and "heroin high" from a narcissistic relationship. You can still feel good, but it doesn't have to be at the expense of your soul, it can be in ways that are ultimately good for you.