Wiserwoman's story

The hardest thing about writing my story is that I find myself still sitting on the fence about my N husband of 12 years...is he a Narcissist or is he just emotionally retarded? Could he actually have no feelings? No remorse? Has he actually never really cared about me at all?
Then I read your stories, I read the criteria that describes an N, and I think - wake up woman, you know deep down that he is.
I separated from my exNH in September, after suffering a nervous breakdown and attempted suicide. I took the children with me and did a sort of NC thing (but difficult because we have 3 children and they want to see their father).
I broke the "NC" in January, after he hoovered me (love that term) back in with lots of affection, attention and of course, those grandiose promises of great things and great times. We even went on holiday ! (but he's at his best when we are living a fantasy) Within two weeks, he was ignoring me again, talking about himself for HOURS at a time, being late for EVERYTHING, blurring the truth about anything and basically just walking in and out of my life whenever it suited him.
[don't even mention 'housework' or 'responsibility' - those words are not part of his vocabulary]
The most frustrating thing about him is that he NEVER gives a straight answer about ANYTHING. If I ask him when he will be picking the children up on Saturday he says, "Well, I might have to work, I'm not sure, but if I go to this one job [he's a plumber] I'll be back around 3ish, but if it's raining, then I might not have to go at all, in which case -"
At this stage, I interrupt with, "Just give me a time." Response: "Well, I can't! That's the nature of my job! I'll call you when I know!" And he hangs up.
Does it give him satisfaction to know that my days off are being ruined by never being able to make plans because I'm always waiting around for him to turn up? (always late, of course) Or does he just go and do what he wants to do with nary a thought of what I want?
I cut him out of my life again, and instantly, the feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, being used, being lied to, being led up the garden path, all disappeared.

Like I said, I'm still stuck with the visitation issues [does anyone know what I can do about this? Should I just not hand the kids over/not be home if he turns up late?]

Anyway, I started keeping a journal of our 'arguments' last July and I re-read parts of it this week and I can see clearly how I was manipulated and exploited and 'projected upon.' [I will put excerpts of this in another entry because I think it might help women who are in that fuzzy/can't really remember what happened/bamboozled state of mind.]

The sad thing is that I can really relate to being an empath - people always open up to me and share their personal lives with me. And now that part of me is having to harden/become cynical- it's difficult to suppress the natural inclination to love and understand and CARE - but I realise now that if I don't act like a total hardcore BITCH to my exHN, he will just keep knocking at the door (telling me how much he has changed, realised he was wrong - no, he doesnt really think he was wrong, but it sounds good, misses me, still loves me)
The terrifying thing for me is that my youngest is 3 and I have at least 15 more years of contact with this monster. This monster who goes to church regularly and has most of the church community charmed. [Not his ex BF tho - his ex BF got sick of his empty words and manipulations and has had NC with my Narc for four months - lucky him!!]

Here's another thing (sorry this is so long!!): I go to an Anger Management support group for woman and exNH is now attending the Men's session. He has been going since January. And last week he wanted to talk about how he has been irresponsible and unreliable and treated me badly. He admitted to these things, BUT...BUT - did not say sorry, spoke about himself and all the amazing insights about himself for two hours, LAUGHED about some of the things he had done to me in the past, said that change takes time and that he hoped to change this behaviour in the next 6 to 12 months...
?!?!!
That night he couldn't have the children because he was going out with the lads, got totally wasted, showed up late to pick up the boys for church, came back to MY house, walked in unannounced, and flopped down on MY couch and told me how hungover he was. Proceeded to tell me all the funny practical jokes he played on people the previous night and how funny everyone thought he was.
GET OUT!! Told him to get out, that he he was full of shit - couldn't he back up ANYTHING he said, even for 24 hours???
Don't worry, I've been paying for my dismissal of him for the past week...you know how payback is.
Can someone please tell me how I am going to deal with this for the next 15 years?? Never mind the fact that this Anger Management counselling actually seems to be feeding his ego!?!
Now that I've written this, I am no longer sitting on the fence - I am most unequivocably and permanently on the OTHER side of the fence. The SANE side.