women haters

I figured out some things this week that for me was a huge AHA moment about my exN's behavior in the past. Things that I could never quite figure out - all the pursuing and teasing and taunting and then drop kicking he seemed to be doing to so many women (and maybe men) behind my back all the time. I know he needed the attention, control etc... but I see now that it was so much more than just that.

I know my exN had a deep seated hate for women because he projected it on so many men I finally realized it was actually him with the problem. (Gotta love those projections - that's how he gave himself away all the time.) And I know their only emotions are fear and rage, but the rage part is what I wasn't getting the real meaning behind.

Now I see, his entire life has been about blame, hate, and exacting revenge on those he has blamed the most for his f*cked up life since childhood. When his mother caught his father (in bed, apparently) with another woman and shot him 5 times, the entire family was torn apart. The Mother went to jail, the father went to the hospital, and all the children were forced to live with the aunts. I had always figured this was his 'abandonment' trauma that was responsible for him being what he is.

My 'aha' moment, however, came when I realized that he had blamed his Mother for this all his life. That instead of overlooking the father's lying and cheating, (such a trivial matter after all) and keeping the family in tact, she had torn the family apart. Having met his father, I know the apple didn't fall far from the tree, only got more rotten on the ground, I imagine the poor Mother was pushed to the edge of insanity in the way that I, and all of us, are very familiar with. Likewise, his Mother died relatively young from what always sounded like the kind of personal abuse and neglect that comes from having lost all hope and desire to live. What I call legal suicide for religion sake. Because it was over 40 yrs ago, I would imagine she was totally blamed and ostracized, having nothing like the kind of support or understanding we have here. He always hated all the aunts because they had all treated his Mother like dirt. Meanwhile, his Father remarried a beautiful woman years later and his life went on somewhat unscathed.

I know all of this probably only matters to me, but what I learned was that this was not for attention or for the fun of the chase or even to keep a long list of supply. It was for the explicit motive of purposefully damaging women in the cruelest but most legal and subtle way possible. It was a win win situation of both getting supply and exacting revenge at it's finest.

The sad irony in this is that I would imagine that the exact same behavior that was responsible for his trauma and for the early death of his Mother, is the exact behavior he is out there repeating over and over again.

Anyway, I just had to get this out. It's been on my mind all week especially as this was exactly where my life was going - a repeat of his Mother's life.