Wonder what it feels like?

Wonder what it feels like?

I remind myself everyday of what I have to be grateful for. In fact, I make a mental roll call of these things as I'm driving along after taking the kids to school each morning.

However there is still and I don't know maybe there will always be this pain inside...like a dull ache...and this is the pain from realising I have never been loved in any of my relationships.. Parents... Romantic...and it makes me quite sad.

I know everyone talks about loving myself is all I need. 
Well I feel that I can survive on love for myself....but I personally don't feel like I'm 'living!'

For me I can say with one hundred percent certainty that the one thing I would love from life is a loving relationship. Human beings are designed to interact and thrive in close proximity with one another. Maybe if we celebrated our 'sameness' (everyone's desire to be give and receive love) instead of lit uniqueness maybe we'd be better off??

I am so lucky I have my children but when you have children it is not their role to fulfil this kind of love and I will not ever cling to them to for emotional support, love or care-taking.... like my parents did to me. I should be providing that for them!

Because I have such an overwhelming capacity to love this now feels kind of like a disability to me. It's like I'm always too loving or caring or generous or empathetic or enthusiastic or invested or committed.
Why does this seem so wrong? It is like I feel ashamed for having these traits and it's like I'm constantly checking myself and not totally being my real self so I can avoid criticism, judgement, condemnation and advice that I need to 'put a lid on it' or 'control this' or 'temper that' or not 'reveal this and that' to this person or that person. Aaaaagh!!!

I wish I could be me.
I wish people loved in equal measures and we could all find our dose.

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