You "chose" to ignore those red flags

10 posts / 0 new

#1 Jun 1 - 9PM

ValiditySeeker

You "chose" to ignore those red flags

I know this gets repeated here a lot but at the risk of ruffling feathers, I have to disagree.

In my own case, I know I tried to make sense of bad behaviors because I was simply ignorant.

I truly did not know that he was a psychopath. He was a covert narc pretending to be a humble, polite Christian from a good family.

He explained away his bad behavior and not knowing that he was who he was, I believed it.
I was raised to be politically correct and that all people were basically good at their core. Everyone is decent but they make mistakes. Bad parenting, bad life experiences, that's why people act shitty.

But I truly believed that if you explained to someone how badly they were hurting you, they'd try to stop.

I believed that everyone has a good little heart inside but like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, he just needed some time and love and he'd come around.

I suppose I thought reality was just like all the bullshit Hollywood movies where the asshole turns nice in the end thanks to the girl who loves him: Jerry Maguire, As Good As It Gets, Beauty and the Beast, etc.

I was so fucking naive! I knew about sociopaths, I just didn't know my guy was one of them.

Why would I? I had never even heard of a red flag!

If only I had been given this info before I began dating! I needed a field guide on how to spot a bad guy.

But first I needed the all-important information that NOT EVERYONE is good. We aren't all "children of God." Everyone isn't worthy. And most importantly, they cannot change or be changed!

If I had known that, I would've bailed after the first date. Redflags galore.

As for me, I'm going to train my young daughters what to look for. I'm going to tell them not everyone is good. I repeat: Not everyone is good!

People like this don't change. I'll teach them the redflags and give them
permission to bail in the middle of a date.

What about you guys? Did you have any idea that animals like this existed and that we need to be careful? Did you approach your first date with them with excitement or caution because you knew they could be faking it? Were you looking for red flags? Or like me, you never heard of a reflag because we're all beautiful.

#2 Jun 2 - 4PM

gettinbetter

I chose to ignore. I knew

I chose to ignore. I knew something wasn't right with him. He ust made me feel amazing

#3 Jun 2 - 4PM

Four Aces

Duped

Well, perhaps the common denomintor here is a lack of awareness of the evil in people. Apparently, the majority of women that end up with narcissists are kind, thoughtful, and caring human beings that do not EXPECT evil to come into their life. Isnt that what we are all taught? Be kind to each other, but apparently many of us have enough naivete to believe that everyone feels the same way. This is where we are all wrong. Also, how many of us are really educated about intimate relationships? Other than church and our family where are you supposed to learn the traits/habits for a good man? Many of us came from families that set great examples but sadly these examples do not prevent us from being duped. The lesson here is education. Just like you learn first aid, math, science etc. we need to educate our children about relationships. This where perhaps we dont do what I do but what I say comes into play. We spend more time teaching our children to drive a car than about relationships! I propose classes in relationships in high school. Not a failsafe for sure, but if we can save one person from the cruelty and disappointment of a narcissistic relationship - it's worth it!

#4 Jun 2 - 11AM

insectt (not verified)

I don't think your posts

I don't think your posts ruffles any feathers. Alot of what I see posted isn't people 'choosing' to ignore, but only recognizing them as such in hindsight. We say, afterwards we 'chose' to ignore them..but that is only because we are so mad at ourselves! You, me and many others...we beleived as you did..(LOVE the Grinch and Hollywood movies refrences!!)..that even though there were some 'bad qualities' that were explained away or dimished...they weren't 'red flags' but chrachteristics that could be dealt with with love and nurturing and commitment. Knowing your boundries, no matter how charming the individual, is an important first step for going into future relationships (romantic, plutonic..any 'new' relationship). My N was throwing out the idea of a threesome to a future victim after mere weeks of just dating and texting. She was firm about getting a third person whom she knew. He finally 'talked' her into using someone she didn't know but he did. so enamoured was the poor girl (at first) she proclaimed "Okay, I'm in I TRUST you." What?! Again..WHAT?! After only knowing him for two or three weeks you TRUST him to bring another person in you don't know?! Into an idea that wasn't yours to begin with? Of course, we were all this poor woman in the beginning. Naive, trusting, full of hope that this guy that swept us off our feet would be immortalized in our lives. Well, they were immortalized in our lives, our souls were branded with the mark a lesser devil. So, ValiditySeeker, they were not 'red flags' at first. It is experience and personal boundries that makes some see 'red flags' at first and others to dismiss them as minor charcahter flaws. :)

#5 Jun 1 - 11PM

Steph

Great post and so true. I

Great post and so true. I knew, i guess, on some level, that these people existed.....I just never thought it would happen to me! "I believed that everyone has a good little heart inside but like The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, he just needed some time and love and he'd come around." I can certainly relate to this, as I am certain everyone here can! I think it is truley a great quality to have, and one to cherish and be proud of (the ability to have compassion and empathy).....unfortuneately we met up with a person that EXPLOITED this quality in us. Doesn't mean that this quality we have is "wrong" or "stupid" or "bad".....it just means that we have to be more CAREFUL in protecting this gift. We must stay on your toes, so to speak.

#6 Jun 1 - 10PM

michele115 (not verified)

If it's you're first time with a Narc....

I'd have to say that the line: "You chose to ignore the signs" is more re-victimization of the victim if I've ever seen it - just as ABUSIVE and INVALIDATING. IF you have a history dating Narcs, then I guess one can't get off the hook as easily; however, when one says: "You Chose to ignore the flags" they are speaking from a place of complete ignorance of what Narcissism, Sociopathy, and/or Psychopathy are. There is no argument that even mental health professionals are duped...the Narcissist BRAINWASHES you first, lures you, captivates you with charm, and once you are in the web, your brain is mashed potatoes. There are many "re-blame the victim" programs out there; however, I don't subscribe to them. For you own health and healing, stay away from self flagellation. In this particular situation, you have a responsibility moving forward to educate yourself and become aware of the signs and characteristics of toxic relationships and I believe the Path Forward is an excellent resource to build such a foundation upon...but I would not for one moment "absorb" the thought that there was much one could do...the healthiest of individuals get taken in. It is the equivalent of telling the rape victim, she had an MO to get raped when she decided to walk to her car at 11pm after working s latenight shift at the office. Hugs!

#7 Jun 1 - 9PM

wacaet

I knew what red flags were

I knew what red flags were and I even saw them, but like you I was naive, I trusted him and I, too, believed that all people are basically good at their cores. I truly believed that until that last night, when I got into his email and found out that some people are just evil. I wish I had known about N's. I wish I had known that all people are not good, just like what you are saying. I wish I had trusted my own instincts. I actually thought of a million reasons not to see him again after our first meeting for coffee (he was over an hour late, had alcohol on his breath, wasn't as attractive as my memory of him from 20 years before, and he drives a mini-cooper) My girlfriend said "you are just looking for excuses not to see him again". I wish I'd found enough reasons that night! But, regrets are pointless. I have learned now, though!

#8 Jun 2 - 2PM (Reply to #4)

wacaet

I live in Texas where "real

I live in Texas where "real men drive trucks" (my husband has a truck & a harley) so the N driving a mini-cooper just seemed silly nothing against the car itself, it just was I don't know how to explain it, it was just something silly I told my friend as an excuse not to see him again because I was struggling with my conscience. Of course he hoovered non-stop until I did see him again and then the first D&D, etc...you know the drill he is short though and has tiny hands & feet

#9 Jun 2 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

terri

mini-cooper??

wacaet - You've really piqued my curiosity on this one. How exactly is a mini-cooper a red flag? I must be missing something.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#10 Jun 2 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

Used

terri

this so made me laugh... i think wacaet ment cos he had alcohol on his breath, at least i hope thats what she ment unless he was a midget...

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews