You only get it when you get it

I did not want to accept it. I did not want to let go of the one thing that I wanted the most. I did not want to believe that it wasn't real. PD toxic doesn't really even matter what it was. First and foremost it was neither healthy nor reciprocated. No matter what he said or what I wanted to believe, time has proven that it was never even real. Two years later..does'nt even matter if I screwed up. Or made mistakes. He did not try to resolve them and he did not ' forgive " me. Firstly, if you truly love or care for someone, you do eventually forgive them. Secondly, the whole world knows by now how I have been hurting because of it all. If he loved or cared for me, there is no way he could just walk away. You only get it, when you get it. No amount of wishing hoping worrying or crying, can change it. Because I can't change him. My emotional roller coaster looked like it was coming to a halt many times. But then often I would wake up and he would still be my first thought. I don't care anymore. I really do not care. If he has someone else or several or even a harem. I don't care. I did not deserve what he did. But I do deserve better. I see something now that I could not see before. It is all so superficial. No substance to that way of life no depth. Which is okay if you want to live a life of cheap thrills.
I don't. I want more. That's where we differ, us and them.