How did your relationship with a narc affect other areas of your life?

35 posts / 0 new

#1 Dec 17 - 3PM

Deidre99

How did your relationship with a narc affect other areas of your life?

And not even so much directly. For me...my work has been affected. Today, I feel lighter...less weighed down with all that negativity, that I was getting, up until recently, from the narc. I didn't realize how negative and clouded my thinking had become. I wasn't able to focus much. Crying a lot. Despair at times. Ugh, why did I allow this to go on??

It also affected my social life. I didn't want to go out much. I became confused. Slept longer on the weekends. I was also nervous a lot. I will say, what saved me is my faith...and I workout a lot. Going to the gym was like escaping from everything. But, all that negativity can hurt your health. It can hurt your mind. You even start to become negative. I started thinking like him...even. Believing I was this horrible person that he told me I was.

UGH! I pray this never happens to me again.

Just wondering how the narc in your life affected your everyday routines? Directly or indirectly.

#2 Dec 22 - 12PM

neverlookback

Thats easy to answer

He destroyed EVERY SINGLE are of my life, simple as that.

#3 Dec 18 - 11PM

apple

What day to day routine? lol

Unless it was staying in bed and sleeping all day and reading about personality disorders online. That's all I wanted to do for like an entire year (until I found this website). I'm suprised I was even able to keep my job without getting fired. lol

#4 Dec 18 - 11PM (Reply to #33)

Deidre99

Guilty here too. lol This

Guilty here too. lol This week, was like a blur. I did discover this forum at work. hahaha Come to think of it. It's funny you say this about being fired. I realized that when he started affecting/infecting other parts of my life...I needed to make a serious change. I'm going to lose my job over this? I'm going to lose my reputation at work? I'm going to let him filter in to other areas of my life? So, the pain in my heart, was enough for me to want to end communication...but, realizing I was permitting him to have power in other areas of my life, was the last straw. Thanks for sharing here. Are things better for you, now, though? I am hoping?

#5 Dec 18 - 5PM

Jean

I have become like him

Oddly, I immediately got into a fender-bender, then two weeks later got a huge traffic ticket (the N has a sub-par driving history); my health is OK but I now startle easily (so does he); I am suddenly paranoid that everyone at work is out to get me (ditto for Narc); I am often full of rage (etc.) AND I have grandiose fantasies involving being a rock star and/or having an amazingly fit body that everyone worships (I can't say for certain, but I bet HE has the fantasies, too). Bastard. And, here's the really weird part - HE is a psychologist and after reading all the stuff about NPD I am now becoming an amateur psychologist. AAAAAaaaaaaaaah :)

#6 Dec 18 - 10PM (Reply to #29)

Deidre99

LOL! I shouldn't laugh. haha

LOL! I shouldn't laugh. haha But, the *way* you post this...just sounds funny. My N also is OBSESSED with his body image. We both work out quite a bit, but his main motivation (I know this to be true) is to use it as a lure for women. Gosh, I hope I don't start mimicking him! :=P

#7 Dec 18 - 10PM (Reply to #30)

Jean

it IS a serious subject

Yeah, I really meant it to be funny but it's only because I am having a *good* day - although it started out bad somehow it turned around. One effin' day at a time, I guesss. . . But I do find it funny that I am paranoid. I mean, I am just not a paranoid person. Now I actually do things like peering over my cubicle wall at work before divulging info. Eeewww, I can't believe he lures women that way, that's so icky somehow. I mean, what a weird way to be motivated to be fit - hmmmm, if I have big muscles all the better to F*CK with THEIR HEADS!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha. . . ????

#8 Dec 18 - 10PM (Reply to #31)

Deidre99

Yes. He told me that. Not to

Yes. He told me that. Not to eff with their heads...but...he likes being stared at. He likes 'showing off' at the gym...his words, not mine. lol I remember listening and thinking...what an a$$. I did say to him one time...''you are christian though...how do you reconcile vanity with being christian?'' I purposely wanted to see his answer...since he is such a 'devout christian.' He said...''I'm not vain. I'm proud of my accomplishments...that's not vanity!'' I said...''showing off is vanity. You can call it whatever you like...it's vanity.'' He rarely shared that stuff with me from then on. Which was fine. I don't like braggers, never have...never will. Slowly, I became so turned off by these conversations. What did I see in him ever? I like to workout for health, fitness...of course, who doesn't want to look and feel good. But, I don't think we should act superior because we are in shape. But, he did act superior in just about everything...his faith. His fitness. His intellect. Definitely a troubled guy. I sometimes find myself feeling sorry for him, even after all the pain he caused. I'm sorry you are paranoid...I feel paranoid sometimes too. Like...worried I'm going to be fired. Worried people at work are talking about me. He was never paranoid, per se...but, I think I just became paranoid from hanging out with someone so negative. Hugs for you...we'll get through this!!

#9 Dec 18 - 4PM

StillHurting

Areas of my life that suffer....

Feel sort of sad missing the connection that he made to me, so it's like part of my daily routine is just gone. Crying a lot. Over consuming alcohol. I am healthy and conscious of diet, etc., and the drinking has got to go...and it will. Wondering if I will ever believe anyone else who says they love me this much. If this was a lie, what will I be able to believe?

#10 Dec 20 - 11AM (Reply to #26)

helldweller

StillHurting and what he affected

I am so angry about the same thing. I was in great shape, lovely, fit when I met him. Not eating but drinking has gotten me 25 extra pounds in the past two years, including a freaking pot belly (I guess it's water and distension from the alcohol). I hate him. I had just gotten divorced and had finally gone back to exercising after about eight years away from it (since my daughters were born). I was at the park every morning, happily power walking, lifting weights, and talking to him on the phone. He'd call me each day during my workout and say, "Good for you!" about my exercising. I was sooooooooooo happy. The end of the misery had come. My life was finally back on track. Then WHAM! Came the foster child. I dropoped everything to be there for him and prove that he was all that mattered, that I was a great mom, and that I was serious about all of us being a family. Little did I know that, while I was abandoning my workouts to babysit the child, the narc was swimming with the OW, golfing with the OW, having gymnastic sex with the OW. I absolutely cannot stop drinking, and I know I won't lose weight until I do, no matter how little I eat. My dream is for spring to come and for me to walk my beautiful daughters to school in an adorable dress in my beautiful, fit body that is MY real body, not this sick one I've been in for two years because of him. I really want to get there, mostly for me and my girls, but I wouldn't mind him seeing, too, that the real me is back and hotter than ever. LOL

#11 Dec 22 - 4PM (Reply to #27)

StillHurting

Helldweller...

I know you can cut back once you are not sad about this jerk. I did not gain weight from it because I was not eating, and that is bad, too. No nutrition. I have turned it all around and you can, too. Get your fitness routine going and scale the drinks back a bit at a time, and you will get there. Doing it for revenge is very motivating. I gave up my routine because I was too sad to do anything, barely made it to work. I got over it, and now I am back to a regular exercise program. You can get it back, girl! The pot belly is from excess carbs and sugar. Your body stores them there first. Get the white food out of your diet and eat only whole and unpackaged foods....your body knows what to do with real food. You will see a difference in three months or less.

#12 Dec 18 - 10PM (Reply to #25)

Deidre99

{{hugs}} You will be able to

{{hugs}} You will be able to trust again. This just takes time. Not all men lie. As a matter of fact, out of all the men I've dated in my lifetime, he and one other guy, were the only two narcs I have ever met, so that's saying something. And I've dated quite a few over the years. So, while they are amongst us, they are not as prevalent as we think. I will say this though. When we are vulnerable, WE attract them. So...we have to make sure we're strong ...so we don't attract these types ever again. God bless...and hope you have a good night.

#13 Dec 17 - 6PM

gettinbetter

My work. I couldnt focus at

My work. I couldnt focus at all. I can now thanks Zoloft. My family life. I was not giving my husband and child the attention they deserved. I have been quite sickly with just general feeling of unwellness like I was slowly being poisioned. I have boils and all kinds of break outs and I have never had a problem with my skin or acne. I have spent the last year isolating myself from friends. Everything everyone says gets on my nerves. I have become completely self absorbed.

#14 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #23)

Deidre99

I'm so sorry. I would say me

I'm so sorry. I would say me too...work has suffered a lot. I got a promotion, and need to get my head back in the game. I pray that I don't lose my job. I had a good week this week, and as I stay away from the narc...I should continue to see progress at work. I think what happens too...and I'm wondering if you or others here have felt this way...you start to think negatively about just about everything. I was coming home from work agitated...and nervous. Angry when driving. Heart racing. Face flushed. Thinking paranoid thoughts. It's hard to hear negative thoughts about yourself day in and out...and then, be this bubbly person at work. You start doubting your capabilites...you start worrying you'll lose your job. You start isolating yourself from coworkers. Today, this has come to an end for me. I don't suggest everyone send goodbye letters...and if you do, make sure you are ready to never speak again. But, I'm glad I did. Because I just needed to find normalcy again. Take care of yourself, and know...we care about you here!

#15 Dec 17 - 5PM

Epiphany

Nothing is unaffected

Where I stand right now there is nothing that has not been affected. When I met him I had a beautiful 300k house, I now live in a 1 bdrm apartment and have moved 6 times in 2 years. When I met him I had friends of a dozen years, none of them are still my friends. I am estranged from my entire family. Apparently watching me self destruct did not make them proud. The wedges driven so deep because I chose not to listen to them and to close myself off to almost everyone but him. A year after I met him I had 20k in my savings, the past 4 months I had barely been able to buy food or pay my bills. When I met him I was healthy, had boundless energy now my body is pretty shot. I've been sick for months with a variety of stomach and colon issues, ranging from ulcers to diverticulitis and inflammed colitis. I've been hospitalized and on countless different medications and I don't seem to get better. I suppose I can't blame this on him but from what I've heard stress takes quite a toll on a persons body. I've been told that I'm not engaging in life because I isolate. I don't want to be out, go out, date or really even be around other people. I basically don't trust anyone at all. I feel as if I went from too trusting to not trusting at all. Everyone says it's not healthy to be alone with your thoughts as much as I am. I don't mind it so much right now. I feel like I'd be sacraficing my emotional safety to even take a chance on allowing anyone to access to my life right now. Maybe because he told me how horrible I was or because dealing with him caused me to be this hateful, angry, crazy feeling person???? I don't know the answer to that. I'm fortunate I have a good job and a great boss who is very understanding. He has held me up through almost every devastation and knows everything this guy has done to me. He got me out of his house in 4 days and found me a place to live when things got so horrible I couldnt come to work I was such a mess by events going on with XN. Otherwise I'm sure I'd be unemployed as well. I look back and NOTHING is the same. I'm certainly not. I'm jaded and bitchy. I bite back hard now for anything that seems a personal attack. I feel like I'm standing with my fists up waiting for an enemy. It's hard to imagine a better life right now. I remember saying to him several months ago that I'd forgotten what it was like to even have hopes and dreams anymore. I used to.

#16 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #21)

Deidre99

My heart aches reading this.

My heart aches reading this. If you ever need someone to talk with, please send me an email. Are there ways to communicate here, privately? Like in other forums/message boards? Just wondering... I will pray fervently for your healing. YOU DESERVE BETTER. I can't believe it. You know, with the narc I was with years ago, before this recent one...he did a major number on me. I developed a sleeping pill habit big time from him. I know exactly what you're feeling. Anyone else were to read this, who has never had a narc in his/her life, would never believe the health issues that stem from staying in these types of relationships. But, we have the power to leave. We often don't, because we were led to believe a web of lies, that are hard to undo. I pray pray pray you heal soon...life is too short and beautiful, to live this way. {{{hugs}}}

#17 Dec 17 - 4PM

Journey

In a BIG way!

My narc completely screwed up my sleep schedule (which is still not what it was, so I'm tired often) My health - I became startled at the littlest things and anxious, I lost weight - so much so, many people who didn't see me often thought I had an illness. Recovery from addiction - he told me he had "a treat" and brought over cocaine one night after a D & D when I was feeling really down even though I had previously told him I hadn't used that drug at all in years and didn't want to. He convinced me I would feel better if I tried just a little and he was right, I did feel better and so I continued to use it for the next 2 years and six months. During the period of the final D & D we planned to quit together and the first day off of it he picked a fight and then while I was sleeping he left, not to return for about 8 days. He didn't once ask me how I was doing with quitting, meanwhile he quit because where he went he couldn't get any. I on the other hand was completely distraught over his abandonment and did not quit. Upon his return, again he didn't ask me if I'd also quit, I guess he just assumed that because he did, I did also, so I kept using behind his back. During the break-up about a month later I confessed it to him and his words were almost under his breath "you're so weak". After he left (almost 16 months ago), quitting was very difficult because I was so isolated and emotionally screwed up, I successfully tapered down to only using a few times this past July and August, but I've only been completely 'clean' since early September which coincided with discovering about narcs and I am happy to say the cravings are now minimal and the feeling of needing the drug to get through my days has subsided. It is the only thing he's ever showed any real remorse about and he's said he'd been worried about me for a long time and regretted ever bringing it into my life. I believe he is sorry, but somehow I think his concern has more to do with how my friends viewed him knowing he got me started on it, so my quitting has been a big relief for him. I feel kind of mean for thinking that when he's expressed his concern so often, but knowing what I know now about narcs, it makes sense and is probably the sad truth. Financial difficulties - I had quit my job because I believed in the business we were starting together and trusted when he moved in with me that I didn't need to worry about the money because he said so. By the time he left my once perfect credit rating was no more and I've struggled ever since to dig myself out of an ever growing hole of debt. I lost the motivation and inspiration I used to have to be creative just for me, because he became such a big part of that part of my life - now, doing an activity which was once my greatest joy has become the most painful reminder of him. Wow, I really should hate this man… why have I so easily forgiven and not gotten angrier?!! Maybe that day is still coming. Journey on...

Journey on...

#18 Dec 18 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

Used

journey

omg, what a terrible thing for him to do.. he got you on it, then he stopped, oh what a useless piece of humanity he is. that day will come, it realy willxxxxx

#19 Dec 18 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

Journey

I played a part in it

He was responsible for that first night, but I can't blame him for continuing to use it after that. It was months before the addiction really took hold and to be fair, he often expressed concern about it. I remember the first time I used without him – it was when I was feeling fed up with the back and forth of our relationship and it was the last time I felt strong enough to be the one to end it. I almost made it out of the relationship – that was just before the last major hovering began. During this hovering, everything became like the beginning again. He told me he was ready to commit and wanted it to work with me. We were spending every day together and things were really good between us. This was when he moved in with me and during those amazingly happy first 4 or 5 months our use escalated and I know he worried about that way more than I did. We both had become addicted and he was the one who kept saying how even though it was fun now, that wouldn’t last and we needed to quit one day. Narc apologizes to this day for bringing it into my life and for not realizing it would become a problem for me. He said he always knew he could stop whenever he really wanted to and he was wrong to think I was the same as him and wouldn't be able to do that. I take responsibility for the problem it had become for me, what I am most angry toward him about and what I do blame him for is that he abandoned me that first night when we had agreed to quit together and when I really needed him the most. That was when the addiction became the most real for me because I was then completely alone with it. By that time I had become so dependent on it to cope and to keep myself numb because the final D & D had begun. Journey on...

Journey on...

#20 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

Deidre99

I'm also sorry for your

I'm also sorry for your pain...my gosh, what horrible things we have all been through!!! :=( I want to say one thing. About hate. Don't hate him. Forgive him. Forgiveness has more to do with YOUR healing, and letting go of the past...than it does the person we are angry with...I drove home from work today. I forgave this recent narc. I'm still somewhat angry (with myself mainly) but I said out loud...to God...take this pain from me, Lord. Take it from me. I pray that wherever 'he' is...he is ok. That You will help him. Free him of this narcissism, so he doesn't hurt others. But, I wish him well...and for me to heal. That was my prayer today...and I feel a lot better. Which is why I wrote him a goodbye letter. Yes, I've checked my email today a bazillion times. But, there was something relieving when I saw he hadn't written. At first, it was painful...like yesterday afternoon. But, today? Tomorrow? It will only get easier. I am praying for us all. But, pray for your narcs. They need prayers. Jesus said...if we only care for those who are nice to us, what gain is that? (something like that) My narc would be able to quote it better than me...hahaha He memorized Scripture to the tee. I have forgiven. It's strange. I went from crying last week...to anger this week...to right this very minute, I have forgiven him. I am letting him go. I pray he leaves me alone.

#21 Dec 17 - 7PM (Reply to #15)

gettinbetter

Deirdre

You are in the early days of this. Just know you can't save his soul nor are you responsible for it. I hope this feeling of forgivness sticks with you but prepare yourself that it might not. It takes a long time to get to the forgiveness stage. I did all of these same things the letter the forgivness to the feeling I'm over it but the fact is I'm not over it I am still having angry and dark weeks. I just want you to be prepared for them to come. While I don't know you, if you are anything like me secretly deep down inside you want him to respond or you wouldn't be checking your email so you tell yourself I don't want him to respond I'm moving on and you get a feeling of euphoria from your new found strength and then a weeks passes with no response and you crash. Just want you to be prepared if this happens and I think it likely it will Ps just ask anyone on this board who has been here awhile how I have felt responsible for saving his soul.

#22 Dec 18 - 11PM (Reply to #17)

Deidre99

HI sick of it;I think you

HI sick of it; I think you likely will be right, I will ebb and flow with this. What I discovered today, was staying away fromthe computer...keeping busy ALL DAY...really took my focus off of this. If I can gradually shift my focus from this to the good things in my life, I'm hoping my brain will naturally not want to return to this negative crap. It's all so negative. I'm so tired of thinking about him, and what he did...and why did I buy into it...and did he ever care...and what did he think of my letter. You know? I wrote the letter. And when I awoke this morning, I had this feeling of dread. Like maybe I shouldn't have sent it. Maybe I should have just ignored him. But, ignoring him never worked for long. He would write. He would tell me about things I didn't want to know...either to make me jealous, or bug me...or whatever. He wasn't nice to me anymore. Yet...a few weeks ago he said...we should just run away together, already. Like out of the blue. I just replied ''lol...'' and nothing more. I wasn't taking that bait. But...see? He plays too many headgames...one day, my best friend...the next, he acts like I'm horrible. The next week...like a jilted lover. I'm over it...and the letter. Good bad or otherwise...it gave me closure. Like my friend told me. It took you finally saying goodbye in an emphatic way, for him to go away. He was never going to say goodbye. It was never going to end. I would ignore him, after an argument let's say...and he would write as if nothing happened. How was your day? Thinking of me, no doubt. ugh. I couldn't stomach anymore emails like that. But...I absolutely agree with you. I am still raw...I still wonder. And I will have weak days. And do I wish he'd reply? Maybe just to say...something non-narcissistic. Like...I wish you well, and I really did care. lol In some small way, a reply LIKE THAT would be nice. But, not expecting it. lol And that is why I'm so grateful to have you ladies now. We have never met, but I feel so safe sharing all this with you. Thank you for the help and support.

#23 Dec 18 - 5PM (Reply to #16)

darkspark

Amen

#24 Dec 17 - 4PM

onwithmylife

Deidre 99

I put all of my personal power in the hands of that man so when things were going well, like he answered his phone, I felt great, if things were not going well, he was pissed at me about something or turned his phone off, I was depressed all day. Also i noticed I felt stressed out and ANXIOUS when I was with him, i told that word to the therapist and he used the word, HELL, instead after I told him all about the EXNarc.I will never and I repeat never, like one man control all my powers and feelings as he did. It was something I had never before experienced in all my years of dating......He must of had a lot of fun with this PUPPET!!!!!

#25 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

StillHurting

To On With My Life

The same thing happened here. I was so independent and happy and bright. We talked non stop for a few years, really, and then when he stopped calling here and there and I asked why, he got really mad. Like I will call when I feel like it, or I will answer the phone if I am available. It made no sense. I, too, would be so happy if everything went okay with him. If we spoke on the normal schedule or whatever, I was at peace. If I left a few messages and didn't hear back, I was tearful and worried about why he was not responding. It is all different now. There will be one quick call or something, and it is mostly silence on the call unless he is going on and on about something he's doing. He has gotten better about saying how is your day going, although I feel like a lot of the time he is not listening because when I say what do you think or similar he does not answer, like he is distracted. A very hard and painful period of time this has been for sure.

#26 Dec 17 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

onwithmylife

stillhurting

Refresh my memory, why are you still in contact with him?

#27 Dec 18 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

StillHurting

For Onwith....

"Refresh my memory, why are you still in contact with him?" There is a professional tie in I have to see through for a bit longer with a relative involved, etc. Of course, I don't want to elaborate out here, but it's complicated for sure.

#28 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #9)

Deidre99

This is a painful lesson to

This is a painful lesson to learn. I think we have all been here!!! So very sorry for your pain. My gosh, have we dated the same man? He was busy! haha I truly feel your pain, too. I gave this narc and the first one years ago, waaaaay too much control and power. And not until I read Briseis' post in another thread today, where she talks about power and control, did I really link that. Yes, he only ''liked'' me because he could control me. But, when I said goodbye yesterday...I had the control. I am not a controlling person. But, I need to control my own thoughts. When you get away from these types of people...something interesting happens. You learn that YOUR THOUGHTS have meaning. You are not horrible. You are pretty cool, and you have a lot of people in your life who love you and want the best for you. That was something he kept saying...I want the best for you. I care about you. I love you. Which is something he just started saying to me recently. UGH...I never ever told him I loved him. I think that we all have a great opportunity...every single day...to inch our ways towards healing. But...we have to ignore the texts, the phone calls...the emails...and every day we do, we take that control back. It's important to understand too. These narcs didn't steal our control. We gave it to them. NO ONE HURTS US WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION. So, no...I'm not responsible for a narc being a narc. But, I am culpable for allowing someone to hurt me over and over and over and over. That too is what we all need to heal from...being angry with ourselves! Prayers for you {{{hugs}}}

#29 Dec 17 - 3PM

Briseis

The further out I get (I've

The further out I get (I've been out since 6/07) I see that there wasn't much in my life that was NOT affected. Or at least indirectly affected. It's hard for me to answer at this point in a way :P My sense of who I am was deeply impaired, distorted, and in my mind, it started from there and became pervasive throughout my entire life. Detail wise . . . I never hid out in my house, but had trouble with hidey holing up until last year. I definitely picked up on "thinking like him". I was either subtly or openly punished with his scorn and contempt if I did not. He was sneaky and I hate confrontation, so down I went. When you lie down with dogs . . . It's human nature to take on a kind of mind meld with whoever you are intimate with. So beware with whom you allow in. Your faith and the physical work out are fantastic, and though I am not a Christian, I have a deep spiritual faith that includes a lot of Christian aspects. This faith has been my beacon. It is far beyond my understanding yet I sense it's reality over and above me, so I can personally relate with how powerful a healing tool a person's faith is.

#30 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #2)

areas

my career, my jobs. My credit & financial situation. Luckily I held on to my yoga. When we dated he thought it was so cool that I practiced yoga. When he started challenging it--and I would choose a yoga class over sitting with him on the sofa---he HATED yoga & said I was OBSESSED with it and ADDICTED. (Yes, addicted to something healthy like yoga).

#31 Dec 17 - 6PM (Reply to #3)

Deidre99

I'm so tired of these sick

I'm so tired of these sick f*cks. Sorry...I read this, and wanted to go through the roof. I soooo remember narc #1 who stopped me from exercising. Told me he was worried someone would kidnap when I went running. What an ass!!!! I'm sorry you too had to deal with this crap. Sorry for my language. But when did we stop just calling people a$$holes? They now have 'disorders.'' haha You know? Ugh!!!! I know this is a disorder, I'm being tongue in cheek. Ok...breathe deidre...breathe. lol Are you done with this guy now?

1
2
next
last

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews