NC relapse - fell for it again

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#1 May 7 - 6PM

rew72

NC relapse - fell for it again

I guess with other addictions the possibility of relapse is real so why shouldn't I expect it with my relationship addiction to my ex-Narc.

My first attempt at NC lasted for 3 days. He contacted me via work email (we work together) and I responded and we all know the rest of the story. I remained somewhat guarded which made him come towards me even more. And I did fall for it again.

I accepted a "happy hour" date with him, with the insane thought that maybe he had changed. We've all done that right?? We had a wonderful time. He brought me an amazing bottle of wine for Mother's Day and said we could drink it together at our next special occasion. He said it was heartbreaking to see me now because he knew how wonderful we were. He said I was the love of his life so he just wished we could be together. When he left he said he was driving home (he lives in a different town) but how important our time was together and it was so important he wanted to get back together soon, to take our time, to go slow.

He text me that he was on the main interstate and headed home. My next text was from my babysitter who said she had just seen him at a local restaurant. Apparently he had lied, left our "date" and went to the OW to a restaurant with her friends.

I lost it. I text him telling him I knew what he had done and what an a$$ he was for doing it. I then messaged the OW on FB telling her what he was and what he had done. Not my finest moment.

She blocked me on FB so I'm sure she believed him. I haven't heard from him so know he thinks all of this was my fault. I even first felt guilty that (1) I had hurt her somehow by telling her his lies and (2) that somehow I messed something up for him. How irrational is that!

This is my "confession" of sorts so I can put that incident behind me and start NC and recovery over again. I suppose we all have relapses. Back to NC, reminding myself he will not change and this is not my fault. I can't imagine that he will reach out to me again since I exposed him to the new source.

Thank you for listening.

#2 May 9 - 6PM

rew72

Relapse Update

I thought everyone would find this entertaining after my Friday post of Narc drama. Remember we work together so I can't block those emails. He replied to a project email this morning saying he can't work with me any longer and that if anyone asked him why he would tell them the "details." I didn't respond. He then emailed and said he would tell everyone that his jealous ex-girlfriend made up stories and messaged them on FB to someone she didn't even know. I didn't respond. He then emailed and said that he would tell my friends and my family about stuff that I had done since we were getting all the truth out. I didn't respond. He finally emailed and said What you did was unforgiveable. Never talk to me again. Goodbye. Thanks for the wild ride. It is driving him crazy that I didn't respond. On my side, there was one feeling I had. POWER!!!!!

#3 May 9 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

findingmeagain

Yeah now you see him as the

Yeah now you see him as the pathrtic soul he really is. The mask has been ripped off and he looks like a jackazz. He wants to be fed so badly don't fall for it .

#4 May 9 - 11AM

Hunter

A true Narc, OMG! I can't

A true Narc, OMG! I can't believe that's all you did! Well.. Now you know, it doesn't feel any better but you have answers and some closure, just goes to show how crazy they are! Wow, who would lie such a lie? Move on ,let the OW have him! Yuck. Hunter

#5 May 9 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

rew72

Hunter

He is, isn't he. I think we all get to that final moment where we are staring at them and there is no rationale, no blame, no story, no NOTHING that you can do to deny it any longer. This was my moment. And now moving on is so much easier. Sure, there is still recovery today but its like the filter is off and I can see all of this for what is was. Insanity!

#6 May 9 - 9AM

Used

rew72

i am sorry that happened to you, and your message to her[btw why did you have her on your f/b] i think she DOES believe you thats why she blocked you she doesnt want to hear any thing else, when i told exns ow, she went and told him but not before she called him a patholigical liar and at that time i had only told her one thing, by the time i told her the rest she went and confronted him and he said i was lying[suprise suprise] and when he came back asking were we still friends i said yes of course, but to my self i thought i am out of here but now i will use his DOUBLE STANDARDS AND BEHAVIOR AND I DID BIGTIME, but ow never spoke to me again[he told her not to] but even after over 2years now she still looks away. i havent got a clue wether they are still together and i dont care their [narcs] lies make me sick,another point when i saidto her, but we saw each other 24/7 which we did, it turns out most times he went there at night[9ish when he left me] NICE A!!!! ps, they will not be laughing about this at all, when exn first told me about her going to his home and confronting him he said we had a laugh[the women who had just left me wasent up for a laugh all she kept saying was he has used me] then later on he said you slaughtered us both i said i knows.REW72, they wont be laughing all he will be thinking of now is DAMAGE LIMITATIONxx

#7 May 9 - 5PM (Reply to #23)

rew72

Used

Thank you. I thought about that today. I was actually quite gentle with what I told her. If I had told her everything, it would have taken way too long and wouldve have sounded way to crazy. Especially that I stayed as long as I did. What I haven't mentioned....this OW is his other supply. He has gone between the two of us three times during the last year. And she still doesn't listen. So you are right. She knows, but wants no other evidence to burst the bubble.

#8 May 9 - 9AM (Reply to #22)

findingmeagain

LOL she knows....

She knows that you were telling the truth either its that or she is ashamed that she was the OW. I find this to be hilarious I hope this happens to the OW in my case too. Because she knew about me and was happy messing around with him . I found Fb messages talking about what time i got off work and how they can't wait to see each other. she knew and didn't care so if this happens in my case I'm gonna smirk and giggle everytime I see her. Because she thinks she is high and mighty , you know she thinks she is "better" catch than me.

#9 May 8 - 8PM

Deidre40

OMG...I am so sorry to read

OMG...I am so sorry to read this!! {{{hugs}}} Why would he do this? I don't understand. Why meet you...and make you think he wants to get back...and then, go meet another woman?? Some days, I can cut through all of this, easily. Other days, I feel like I'm learning about narcissism all over again.

#10 May 9 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

rew72

Deidre40

He has wanted to keep me around the entire time. We broke up in February - 3 days after our annual trip to Mexico - and he's been hanging around ever since. If he ever sensed I was moving on, he came back in full force. This was one of those times. I had finally started NC - remember?? - and he started emailing and texting. He then asked if he could talk over his new job with me. THat's what I do for the company - leadership development - so technically I am obligated to do that. What I'm not obligated to do is listen to the other stuff so I allowed myself to get sucked in. I fully believe he had the other plans with OW the entire time but somehow fit me in to make sure he was securing that supply. He has lied so much he never dreamed he would get caught. I believe he has cheated the entire time.

#11 May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #18)

wacaet

he wants them both he loves

he wants them both he loves women fawning over him my N had so many women I really don't know how he kept up

#12 May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

Deidre40

wacaet

Oh! I see. Makes sense I guess...but how horrible. I mean, how calculated and horrible. :=( This is one thing I didn't experience with my ex. BUT...I definitely think in time, he would have cheated on me. It was a horrible sinking feeling I had while dating him, that he'd cheat.

#13 May 8 - 8PM

wacaet

If my N had made any

If my N had made any hoovering attempts before I found you all, I probably would have been sucked back in. He was too scared to try after my husband called him. I was actually disappointed that the didn't try, especially when his other girlfriend told me he'd apologized to her for leading me on! I was hurt by that and felt "left out" gosh, I didn't get to hear his lies and she did....sick, sick, sick. We are human and we are recovering from addiction and from psychological trauma and THEY are experts at manipulation. I guess that's why NC is the very best way, no chance to let them get to us.

#14 May 7 - 7PM

rew72

Responses on relapse

This is why I love this resource. If you haven't experienced this, you can't understand why we return in hopes of change. Before now, I could rationalize his actions and lies away - somehow find a way to explain why he done it or that maybe I misunderstood. Not this time. Blatant lie that he can't talk his way out of. He didn't even try this time. A side story - I've recently been very aware of "missed moments" and told him that in a text. That I couldn't waste anymore moments. He completely twisted my words to "glad I'm such a waste of your moments." We work together and both have work phones so I can't block him. Unfortunately, I also have to work, not every day but fairly regularly. Most is done via email since he works remotely but there is still that interaction. Facebook is blocked. Thanks for helping me remember that I was "human" when I messaged her. I'm most embarrassed about that.

#15 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

Steph

No need to be embarrassed.

No need to be embarrassed. NONE AT ALL.

#16 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

rew72

Staying strong78

Thank you for the support. Through this entire thing, I've tried to maintain my own dignity in all my reactions and last night I just lost it. My texts to him were ugly. My message to her was actually very calm and factual and stated that I wanted her to be aware of the situation. I didn't call him names in the message but simply explained to her what happened and also provided her some examples of stuff to give her evidence that I wasn't lying. I don't really know what I expected in return. Neither one of them responded and she blocked me. That's when my mind went into overdrive and I could just imagine them laughing about it and then him convincing her that I was lying. And that is just my pride getting in the way.

#17 May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #15)

Deidre40

rew

I just want to cry reading all this. :=( I can only offer my deepest sympathies. I highly doubt SHE is laughing. Trust me...she may have blocked you, but she is under his spell right now. You planted a seed. And he'll water it...rest assure. lol They don't change. I have said this before...they really like high high drama. They thrive on others being in pain over them. It's so very sick. {{hugs}} Tomorrow is a new day. Just makes my heart hurt that he did this to you.

#18 May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

wacaet

you should feel pity for

you should feel pity for her she's sick and being misled and he will hurt her, just like he hurt you she will become his "crazy ex" just like we are now (mine had a stalker, a crazy Austrian girlfriend, all sorts of crazy ex's....now I see what I couldn't see then and she will too one day) meanwhile, you get to move on with your life and have a chance at happiness

#19 May 9 - 8AM (Reply to #14)

findingmeagain

You should consider yourself lucky

Your N didn't feed you those lies because he feels like you are too smart and ripped off his mask. You know who he is you've got solid proof in writing so he felt there was no need to lie because you knew. So consider yourself lucky women he lies to he thinks are dumb thats why he didn't lie to you. He knows you're not dumb.

#20 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

Steph

I think we all have reached

I think we all have reached places where our dignity was thrown out the window. We can only take SO much....and then we snap. What he did to you, would throw ANY normal woman over the edge. Honestly. Don't give that email you sent another guilty or embarrassed thought. It sounds like what you sent her was mature and honest...one human being reaching out to another. She's obviously knee deep in his BS right now...that's why she blocked you. Don't you worry about them "laughing" at you....give it time. It is YOU that will have the last laugh. No doubt. xoxo

#21 May 7 - 7PM

findingmeagain

Hey no sweat everyone has

Hey no sweat everyone has done it and we're human not like them we feel ya lol! Good job messaging the OW on FB lol hell she needed to know "her man" was bothering you and that she wasn't special as she probably thinks. GOOD JOB LOL i know i'm wrong for that encouragement but wth. don't worry about it go NC again and take this as a lesson.

#22 May 7 - 7PM

ally2375

Who does that?!

Who does that?! I read these stories and ask myself over and over again. Even after we know who and what these guys are about, the depth of their lies and betrayals can still leave us open-mouthed. I'm sorry he did this. What a jacka$$. Yeah, relapses come with the territory, I think. The good news is that they don't usually set you all the way back to ground zero. Your reaction was totally normal. Forgive yourself and move on. I wouldn't be so sure you won't hear from him again though.

#23 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

rew72

ally2375

Exactly!! It is so insane that I always do a "second look" to go "did that just really happen?" He is such a good actor. Or I allowed him to be. I'm sure you've heard the quote "When someone shows you who he is, BELIEVE THEM!" Its not about their words, but about their actions. And yes, thankfully, I didn't go all the way back. Like I said, I've felt worse that I didn't maintain my dignity through it and allowed myself to be a person I don't want to be because of his actions. You are right - whats done is done. Forgive myself, don't care what they think and move on.

#24 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #6)

findingmeagain

ITA ally his slimy azz will

ITA ally his slimy azz will be back for more NS .what a piece of shyt here you are minding your own business and here they come smh.

#25 May 7 - 7PM

Monica

We have all had relapses...now you are done!

Hon, I relapsed plenty and then I had just had enough of the lies, manipulation, control, LIES, abuse, being used, LIES. The last time was IT....no more...you and I both know that they will never, CAN never, change. We are wasting our time and what could be good times in our lives when we keep giving them another chance and taking them back. We will never get those days, months, years back. They are gone, forever, wasted. Please block him from texing you. Block every possible number. Block his emails. Defriend him on FB and stay away from his page and from checking up on him at all on the internet. Do not feel bad about contacting the OW. Of course she believes him.....now. She will well remember your warning soon enough. I never believed my narc's exwife who said he was verbally abusive. SHE WAS RIGHT. I never would have listened to her. I had to learn on my own. I ended up telling her in so many words in an email that I now know what she had been put through and I wanted nothing but happiness for her. I will not warn the new victim. She will, sadly, learn for herself soon enough. Block and purge him from your life. Then take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back, and begin your healing.

#26 May 7 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

rew72

Monica

One of my dear friends who has stood beside me through this mess asked today "Can we finally be done now?" Yes, yes, I can finally be done now. No more wasted moments.

#27 May 8 - 8PM (Reply to #4)

wacaet

after I got into mine's email

after I got into mine's email and found out the ugly truth my best friend said "promise me this is it, that you are finally done"

#28 May 7 - 7PM

Steph

We all do have relapses for

We all do have relapses for sure, so be easy on yourself. Whether or not contacting her on FB to inform her was the "right" or "wrong" thing to do....doesn't matter. It was the HUMAN thing to do. You reacted to being duped and I know if that was me, I would have did the same thing. Doesn't matter now anyways, what's done is done. She clearly doesn't believe it now....but she will be in your shoes soon enough. I know it hurts, but take this as one more peice of evidence that proves what he really is...an ASSHOLE. A Narc. An immature and deceptive P.O.S. Stay strong and get back on track! xoxoxo

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