I'm so confused...
I'm so confused...
I had a therapy session today. It was an interesting one. We talked about my reactions in the relationship. It bothered me. It was only the tip of the ice berg, blowing up this man's phone (texting in anger and frustration), saying things I wish I'd never said, doing things I wish I'd never done. Some of my behaviors were borderline, PTSD, raging, etc. It was as if I took on his traits, while he enjoyed every single reaction and acted as the innocent party. The more I look back on my reactions,the more frightened I feel now. WHen I'm triggered, I react the same way. I'm so scared about this now. What if I was the one disordered and he was not or we both were?
The only distinction I can make now, is that I react much less, and only when triggered. I'm not seeking out, nor do I care to get into, another relationship. I know I'm not healthy enough to do that without "putting on a mask" and pretending nothing ever happened. My daughter and I talked about this a little bit today. She said that when he was around, I was a totally different person, totally into him and trying to be who he expected me to be. Sound familiar? I put him first before anyone else.
There are so many things I need to work on now. I'm trying very hard to take a positive approach to all of this and not beat myself up, but now I'm asking myself, how much of this was me, and how much was him? I'm working on disentangling the two. It's very difficult, I was so enmeshed.
Has anyone here felt this way or recognized this after the relationship is over? I was literally toxic the entire relationship.
IS there hope for me? I wonder now. How much of this was me?
I'm very frightened coming out of what has been, a ten year fog.
I identify with you so
IMHO, and speaking from experience
Sun, a therapist once said to
58
Sun
Helpful post, Caligirl
Freaked
Thanks, freaked
Cali
Cali
You're welcome, Sun
This is good, I can tell as a
Hunter, you sure Empower :)
Hunter
sunafterrain
@ sun
Bada
My N put a recorder in my
Sunrise