Do you wish ex-N happy birthday?

Never in a millions years would I text my abusers 'Happy Birthday' or try and resume contact in anyway...by doing so it would mean to me that I hadn't moved on and I was trying to open contact or looking for validation. People who are nothing much to me and have hurt and abused me are just distant memories who taught me a valid lesson. Don't poke the dragon!!!!

That is so weird because my ex-N's birthday is coming up and there were moments where I had similar thoughts as you do. This time last year when we were broken up and he had a new OW (but I didn't know he was a narc then), I called him in his b-day. The first time I hung up when his answering machine went on, the second time I left a message. He never called back nor sent a text or email thanking me. I felt completely ignored. Then, ironically, he called me on my birthday which was only a bit more than a month later (OW and him had broken up, which of course I didn't know yet). He was the first call I got and he asked me if I wanted to spend the day with him, which I did because I really didn't have any other plans. This is how he sucked me back in eventually. I asked him on that occasion if he had gotten my birthday message and he said he hadn't, which even then I did not quite believe. Now I am certain it was a lie. A year has passed (and 9 months of NC) and his b-day is coming up next week. I have decided not to call him simply because I don't see the point. He ignored me last year so why should I do it again? Plus, him and I aren't friends anymore and I am really not planning on getting back in touch with him. So, no, I don't think you should call him either as sweet a gesture as it may be. It would be totally wasted on him.

and NO!

This topic is good timing because yesterday was the xN's birthday. Every year I send him a really mean card in my head. So go ahead and wish him a terrible or happy birthday, but don't actually contact him.

You don't exist to him anymore so why should he exist for you? No birthday wishes. Don't break NC!

My first fear for you is the same one I would have: "how will I feel if he doesn't respond"? HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. You know how badly you will feel. You are not ready to move past this and you want to reach out to him - I understand totally. It is so hard to understand how someone SO in love with us, SO much a part of our lives and our hearts are now ignoring us and sleeping with a new person. But if you think of him as a robot who has been programmed with very specific information, then you will start to see things differently. Personality disordered are like robots, especially as adults. This "programming" began in their early childhoods - the deep self-loathing that causes them to eventually want nothing but the destruction of other human beings. This disorder is so deep-rooted that it becomes mechanical to them. You simply cannot take this personally anymore. See him as a robot. And see her as a poor victim.

Hell no. I ignored the narc birthday one year. We were broke up. Totally didn't acknowledge it. However he was in the company of his 2 daughters. He made sure when my birthday rolled around 20 days later that he texted me happy birthday first thing (before anyone else) and also offered to take me out to eat together as a family. His comment was "if some othe lucky guy hasn't already asked you...". Gag and heave...I accepted like a fool. Didn't know any better back then. I hate tendact that we are both aquariuses and EVERYTIME i read my horoscope I am reading his.

his bday is 5 days before mine, I HATE that his bday is even in the same month as mine. Nor, do i care to tell him anymore.. happy birth days. he doesnt deserve it, and yours doesnt either. Let him rot with NC from you. Dont do it! /hugs, SG

I think this is one of those posts that falls in the category of "trying to justify breaking NC." I'm baffled as to why anyone would want to extend a birthday greeting to someone with whom they have severed contact. I mean, NC is pretty drastic. I'm not sure someone with whom you are NC is a "friend." Are you looking for an excuse to reopen the door? That's totally your choice, but be sure you want to tank 10 months of NC to do it. It's sending a mixed signal to open the door now, don't ya think? If HE had cut YOU off for 10 months and then sent a birthday text, what would be be saying about that?

Nothing good would come from a birthday greeting. I hope you didn't do it!

My time spent thinking about the ex-P/N is over. Absolute waste of time and would rather concentrate of other people in my life who nowadays mean more to me and have time to consider my feelings too. Rather than worrying about whether he feels special on his birthday. He is no longer special to me so why waste my time or effort. Dee x

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No Contact means No Contact.. There is only one rule .. So ... To answer your question " Happy Birthday " is contact!! Don't do it.. Hunter

Why oh Why? Your head is not completely wrapped around the fact that he has a personality disorder which makes him unable to have a normal, loving, healthy, compassionate relationship with ANYONE. The guy you are hoping for IS NOT THERE. This is not a normal ex-boyfriend. Do not wish him a Happy Birthday. That you should do for the people who are deserving of your love and respect. Narcissists feed off of normal people who cannot see them for who they really are - people unable to respect or have equal relationships with others. We were those normal people who were hurt by their selfishness, but now we know better. It's a very hard lesson and a hard perspective to maintain, but once you get it - you get it. Good luck.

NC is NC. I just had a birthday and for days beforehand, I was triggered remembering how the N handled my birthday last year. This year, I found myself feeling anxious as my birthday approached, and giving the N waaaay too much space in my head, wondering would he or wouldnt he wish me a happy birthday...I've had 4 weeks of blissful NC, or as the N would see it, his ST...and then I got an email from him on my birthday...early in the morning, before 6 am...and it just made me feel sad, to think that the first thing he did on "my" day, was try to invade my thoughts and remind me he still exists. Wha's even sadder is it worked. I had to consciously work at enjoying MY day, and I didn't respond to the N. I didn't,t say thank you or fuck you, just no response. Because NC is NC, and the last time I broke NCit set me back and made my head spin. As Hunter says "contact = pain". NC = peace. I celebrated my birthday and surrounded myself with people who love me, respect me and treat me with genuine friendship and kindness. There was no room for the n to piss on my day, which is all his email really was intended for, and i know that now. I was reluctant to spend any birthday time on the subject of Ns however I did buy a copy of The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes. That was one of my gifts to myself, to help keep me strong and moving forward...away from this sick, cruel disordered person who would have loved nothing more than to punish me on my birthday for having left him and refusing to continue behaving like a good little toy. I was proud of how I handled not responding to his email. Healing is not about loving them or hqting them, it is about loving yourself andbecoming neutral toward them. When you start caring for you, you stop caring for them. No need to remain "friendly" with the N. Nothing good will ever come of that. Be friendly to yourself instead and stay NC.

No, it's not just a great song by Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Whenever I wished the ex-Psych a happy birthday, he'd fret about getting old, whine about getting one day closer to death, he'd throw a tantrum. No wonder I didn't get anything for his birthday. All I got was a fit.. from him.

NEVER! it's over and done with, his or her birthday should not matter to you. I am trying to forget my ex-psychopath's birthday and i was married to him for 25 years. His birthday is not a factor in my life anymore and I am indifferent to him and could care less. That's just my 2 cents. LOL!

I wouldn't wish him a happy birthday. Two reasons. a) you wouldn't want an ex wishing your bf a happy birthday...would you? and b) you're done with this guy. He's moved on. You've moved on. Any other person other than a narc, would take it as well meaning. Just a nice gesture. A narc will take it as ...oh, she still wants me. No point in wishing him a happy birthday. You can in your heart.

my exn's birthday last week. I didn't send her a text or a card or anything. I would watch sam vaknin's video regarding staying friends with the narc. also I am imagining that for you to wish your ex a happy birthday would be a self-betrayal. my view is that if an individual has abused me and shown no remorse and in fact insists she has the right to abuse me then I cannot offer her friendship without abandoning and betraying myself so therefore I won't do it.

Nope. My goal is to remain completely NC with xnh forever. I never intend to speak a single word to him again for the rest of my life. He has hurt me bad enough, and for long enough, that I have no desire to have xnh in my life at all. He is toxic. I don't need people like him in my world. Period. I'm healing from my relationship with xhn, and my life is very happy now maintaining NC. Any contact will only mean more pain, and it would be looking back. I KNOW xnh was not good for me. I wish to focus my time and energy looking forward to a much happier future. To a narc, every single contact we make or allow them to make with us, merely provides them with an opportunity to suck us for supply (positive or negative - it doesn't matter to the narc). They do not have the capability to really love or be empathetic. The narc will never change. You can bet that twenty years from now, any contact with the narc will get you the same exact result as it will today...used and hurt. That's what narcs do. Therefore, no I would not recommend telling the narc Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas or even "Kiss My Ass". Maintain your NC. Do something nice for yourself on his birthday instead. After living through a relationship with a narc, you deserve it. Hugs.