Do you wish ex-N happy birthday?

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#1 Oct 29 - 12PM
AquariusGal's picture

Do you wish ex-N happy birthday?

To cut things short:

Whatever happened was typically like everyone elses.
It had been about 10months passed, totally NC.

I went through all stages of recovering by myself.
To credit myself for all these hard work, I would say i am strong.

Now i am stronger, and after reading through and reminded it was all N that corrupted the relationship,and knowing he is happier than ever in his new relationship, I tink to myself I do not need nor want him back anyway, since he is happy, I give him the blessing then.

However I wonder, do people who somewhat recovered, do they/ should they send a 'happy birthday'?

In a way, it might mean that the victim hadnt seems to get other the N.

However on other hand it might also mean in a way that the victim had finally been able to put everything down and feeling neutral, that's why she/ he would be able to perform act a 'only friend'-kinda of thing act.

I thought if I really able to put down everything, then all the more some should be able to treat it as a friend right? It's only those who still have feelings and hope would be afraid that sending such SMS would bring back hurt.

My question is, do you ladies ever SMS them just a simple 'happy birthday', knowing it's just nothing much to you, but just out of what you thought a note for a normal friend?

Do you think it's recommended?

Nov 11 - 4PM
Kitty02 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Never in a millions years

Never in a millions years would I text my abusers 'Happy Birthday' or try and resume contact in doing so it would mean to me that I hadn't moved on and I was trying to open contact or looking for validation. People who are nothing much to me and have hurt and abused me are just distant memories who taught me a valid lesson. Don't poke the dragon!!!!
Nov 11 - 4PM
Alisa's picture

That is so weird because my

That is so weird because my ex-N's birthday is coming up and there were moments where I had similar thoughts as you do. This time last year when we were broken up and he had a new OW (but I didn't know he was a narc then), I called him in his b-day. The first time I hung up when his answering machine went on, the second time I left a message. He never called back nor sent a text or email thanking me. I felt completely ignored. Then, ironically, he called me on my birthday which was only a bit more than a month later (OW and him had broken up, which of course I didn't know yet). He was the first call I got and he asked me if I wanted to spend the day with him, which I did because I really didn't have any other plans. This is how he sucked me back in eventually. I asked him on that occasion if he had gotten my birthday message and he said he hadn't, which even then I did not quite believe. Now I am certain it was a lie. A year has passed (and 9 months of NC) and his b-day is coming up next week. I have decided not to call him simply because I don't see the point. He ignored me last year so why should I do it again? Plus, him and I aren't friends anymore and I am really not planning on getting back in touch with him. So, no, I don't think you should call him either as sweet a gesture as it may be. It would be totally wasted on him.
Nov 6 - 7PM
zzcem's picture


and NO!
Nov 4 - 2PM

This topic is good timing

This topic is good timing because yesterday was the xN's birthday. Every year I send him a really mean card in my head. So go ahead and wish him a terrible or happy birthday, but don't actually contact him.
Nov 4 - 11AM
Froglegs's picture


You don't exist to him anymore so why should he exist for you? No birthday wishes. Don't break NC!
Nov 3 - 11PM
Arwen's picture

My first fear for you is the

My first fear for you is the same one I would have: "how will I feel if he doesn't respond"? HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. You know how badly you will feel. You are not ready to move past this and you want to reach out to him - I understand totally. It is so hard to understand how someone SO in love with us, SO much a part of our lives and our hearts are now ignoring us and sleeping with a new person. But if you think of him as a robot who has been programmed with very specific information, then you will start to see things differently. Personality disordered are like robots, especially as adults. This "programming" began in their early childhoods - the deep self-loathing that causes them to eventually want nothing but the destruction of other human beings. This disorder is so deep-rooted that it becomes mechanical to them. You simply cannot take this personally anymore. See him as a robot. And see her as a poor victim.
Nov 3 - 4PM
Blythebloo's picture

Hell no.

Hell no. I ignored the narc birthday one year. We were broke up. Totally didn't acknowledge it. However he was in the company of his 2 daughters. He made sure when my birthday rolled around 20 days later that he texted me happy birthday first thing (before anyone else) and also offered to take me out to eat together as a family. His comment was "if some othe lucky guy hasn't already asked you...". Gag and heave...I accepted like a fool. Didn't know any better back then. I hate tendact that we are both aquariuses and EVERYTIME i read my horoscope I am reading his.
Nov 3 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
Gaia's picture

he ruined my horoscope!

me too Blythe, we are both Virgoes, I hate that when I read mine, I am reading his. Now its like HORRORscope. Gawd he makes me ill.
Nov 3 - 1AM
Gaia's picture

Xn's bday

his bday is 5 days before mine, I HATE that his bday is even in the same month as mine. Nor, do i care to tell him anymore.. happy birth days. he doesnt deserve it, and yours doesnt either. Let him rot with NC from you. Dont do it! /hugs, SG
Oct 31 - 8PM
ally2375's picture


I think this is one of those posts that falls in the category of "trying to justify breaking NC." I'm baffled as to why anyone would want to extend a birthday greeting to someone with whom they have severed contact. I mean, NC is pretty drastic. I'm not sure someone with whom you are NC is a "friend." Are you looking for an excuse to reopen the door? That's totally your choice, but be sure you want to tank 10 months of NC to do it. It's sending a mixed signal to open the door now, don't ya think? If HE had cut YOU off for 10 months and then sent a birthday text, what would be be saying about that?
Oct 31 - 8PM (Reply to #33)
Susan32's picture

It's NOT worth it!

It's not worth the time or the breath. Really. The ex-P didn't appreciate it when I wished him a happy birthday back when I was a college student, why would he appreciate it now? All I got for wishing him a happy birthday was PAIN... whining, grousing, fretting about getting closer to death, fretting over aging... Ns/Ps do NOT appreciate being wished a happy birthday anyhow... so that's why NC is the way to go!
Oct 31 - 6PM
Sparrow's picture

Nothing good would come from

Nothing good would come from a birthday greeting. I hope you didn't do it!
Oct 31 - 2PM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Absolutely not

My time spent thinking about the ex-P/N is over. Absolute waste of time and would rather concentrate of other people in my life who nowadays mean more to me and have time to consider my feelings too. Rather than worrying about whether he feels special on his birthday. He is no longer special to me so why waste my time or effort. Dee x
Oct 30 - 9PM
empath's picture

dealing with happy birthdays -TheGuideToSingleLivingDatingRelationshipsAndOfCourseManTaming+%28Baggage+Reclaim+Relationship+Blog%29
Oct 30 - 4PM
Hunter's picture

No Contact means No

No Contact means No Contact.. There is only one rule .. So ... To answer your question " Happy Birthday " is contact!! Don't do it.. Hunter
Oct 29 - 10PM
AquariusGal's picture

Actually large part of me had

Actually large part of me had given up. Everything is dead to me, (ya like finally), after I read how everything is just an illusion. I am sure with or without a 'happy birthday' would change anything, neither I want anything to change. I know nothing could turn back... Deep down I sincerely wish N well with his new cute and nice gal. I am already used to being alone. Wanted to wish a greeting it's just a token of my heart I have. No hidden agenda... Maybe somehow alot of things are god forbids.
Oct 29 - 11PM (Reply to #27)
Sea's picture

From your post, I can see

From your post, I can see that you are a kind sweet gal who's now calm and put things behind you. You have a beautiful heart. Say happy birthday in your heart and leave it as that. Until one day he is such a distant past that you forgotten the day. Meanwhile, you can wish him all the best and leave it as such. As you said contact and tell him makes no difference he dont know how to appreciate your graciousness. He is disordered. Leave him alone.
Oct 29 - 10PM (Reply to #25)
Deidre40's picture

I think this is a beautiful

I think this is a beautiful sentiment. You have the right intentions. But, the problem is...he does not. And something as simple as 'happy birthday'...he may use to start chatting you up again. You may get sucked in. You may not get sucked back in, but why take the chance of engaging him? They are not normal. They view every interaction as having a motive, because they always have motives. You won't always feel lonely. You will meet someone someday...who will be a good companion, who will treat you as you deserve...with dignity, and respect. In the meantime, enjoy your new world. I am happy to see you are in a place of peace, and are able to wish him well. :=)
Oct 29 - 10PM (Reply to #26)
AquariusGal's picture

Oh dear thankyou, you totally

Oh dear thankyou, you totally know where I'm coming from. It's true if part of me are dying for that N, hell no, I would still be too injured to present my wound to him. nonono. I am scare too you know. It really has to take tremendous journey to be at my feet now, hoping to wish a greeting, yet wasn't hoping for N to love me back for it. Maybe my case is abit more different than the rest. Generally, Narc have 2 kinds; 1 pester you for life, 1 you're dead in his mind. I know my N too too well. He could be more of heartless till he would not respond. Cos i am no value no more. Whats more? He ald has a new supply! Yay for him. So unlike most ladies here with hidden fear their N will appear again, Im proud, happy and confident to say i know my N will never talk to me anymore. This is the only thing i am sure of.(:
Oct 29 - 10PM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture


Why oh Why? Your head is not completely wrapped around the fact that he has a personality disorder which makes him unable to have a normal, loving, healthy, compassionate relationship with ANYONE. The guy you are hoping for IS NOT THERE. This is not a normal ex-boyfriend. Do not wish him a Happy Birthday. That you should do for the people who are deserving of your love and respect. Narcissists feed off of normal people who cannot see them for who they really are - people unable to respect or have equal relationships with others. We were those normal people who were hurt by their selfishness, but now we know better. It's a very hard lesson and a hard perspective to maintain, but once you get it - you get it. Good luck.
Oct 29 - 10PM (Reply to #22)
AquariusGal's picture

You are right, very

You are right, very right! They are different. They are different. They are not the same. - I need to get it sink harder into my brain. And ya right once we understand all the 'N- mechanics', we will know, all fragmented questions thoughts will fall into place. My heart feels. My brain thinks. My heart feel for him.(yes I feel for how dear he was ) But my brain think I'm wrongwrong no, don't need to do it.
Oct 30 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

I'm sorry for your pain

I've been there, too - I'm sorry for us all - It sucks, pure and simple. It's not anything I'd wish on anyone. This has been so hurtful and confusing. Best wishes for your healing heart - xo
Oct 29 - 8PM
empath's picture

NC does not mean staying friendly with them

NC is NC. I just had a birthday and for days beforehand, I was triggered remembering how the N handled my birthday last year. This year, I found myself feeling anxious as my birthday approached, and giving the N waaaay too much space in my head, wondering would he or wouldnt he wish me a happy birthday...I've had 4 weeks of blissful NC, or as the N would see it, his ST...and then I got an email from him on my birthday...early in the morning, before 6 am...and it just made me feel sad, to think that the first thing he did on "my" day, was try to invade my thoughts and remind me he still exists. Wha's even sadder is it worked. I had to consciously work at enjoying MY day, and I didn't respond to the N. I didn't,t say thank you or fuck you, just no response. Because NC is NC, and the last time I broke NCit set me back and made my head spin. As Hunter says "contact = pain". NC = peace. I celebrated my birthday and surrounded myself with people who love me, respect me and treat me with genuine friendship and kindness. There was no room for the n to piss on my day, which is all his email really was intended for, and i know that now. I was reluctant to spend any birthday time on the subject of Ns however I did buy a copy of The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships by Patrick J. Carnes. That was one of my gifts to myself, to help keep me strong and moving forward...away from this sick, cruel disordered person who would have loved nothing more than to punish me on my birthday for having left him and refusing to continue behaving like a good little toy. I was proud of how I handled not responding to his email. Healing is not about loving them or hqting them, it is about loving yourself andbecoming neutral toward them. When you start caring for you, you stop caring for them. No need to remain "friendly" with the N. Nothing good will ever come of that. Be friendly to yourself instead and stay NC.
Oct 29 - 11PM (Reply to #20)
AquariusGal's picture

Yes luckily you didn't

Yes luckily you didn't respond, I would do the same. You're smart and strong that you withstand it. Proud of you! You did right.
Oct 29 - 7PM
Susan32's picture

I learned the hard way

No, it's not just a great song by Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings. Whenever I wished the ex-Psych a happy birthday, he'd fret about getting old, whine about getting one day closer to death, he'd throw a tantrum. No wonder I didn't get anything for his birthday. All I got was a fit.. from him.
Oct 29 - 6PM
victimnomore's picture


NEVER! it's over and done with, his or her birthday should not matter to you. I am trying to forget my ex-psychopath's birthday and i was married to him for 25 years. His birthday is not a factor in my life anymore and I am indifferent to him and could care less. That's just my 2 cents. LOL!


Oct 29 - 5PM
Deidre40's picture

I wouldn't wish him a happy

I wouldn't wish him a happy birthday. Two reasons. a) you wouldn't want an ex wishing your bf a happy birthday...would you? and b) you're done with this guy. He's moved on. You've moved on. Any other person other than a narc, would take it as well meaning. Just a nice gesture. A narc will take it as ...oh, she still wants me. No point in wishing him a happy birthday. You can in your heart.
Oct 30 - 12AM (Reply to #16)
AquariusGal's picture

Maybe you are right. So what

Maybe you are right. So what if It's a nice gesture coming from you? In their heart It's just the worst hilarous joke to them.
Oct 29 - 5PM
jackguy's picture

my exn's birthday last week.

my exn's birthday last week. I didn't send her a text or a card or anything. I would watch sam vaknin's video regarding staying friends with the narc. also I am imagining that for you to wish your ex a happy birthday would be a self-betrayal. my view is that if an individual has abused me and shown no remorse and in fact insists she has the right to abuse me then I cannot offer her friendship without abandoning and betraying myself so therefore I won't do it.
Oct 29 - 5PM
mystwoman's picture

Nope. My goal is to remain

Nope. My goal is to remain completely NC with xnh forever. I never intend to speak a single word to him again for the rest of my life. He has hurt me bad enough, and for long enough, that I have no desire to have xnh in my life at all. He is toxic. I don't need people like him in my world. Period. I'm healing from my relationship with xhn, and my life is very happy now maintaining NC. Any contact will only mean more pain, and it would be looking back. I KNOW xnh was not good for me. I wish to focus my time and energy looking forward to a much happier future. To a narc, every single contact we make or allow them to make with us, merely provides them with an opportunity to suck us for supply (positive or negative - it doesn't matter to the narc). They do not have the capability to really love or be empathetic. The narc will never change. You can bet that twenty years from now, any contact with the narc will get you the same exact result as it will today...used and hurt. That's what narcs do. Therefore, no I would not recommend telling the narc Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas or even "Kiss My Ass". Maintain your NC. Do something nice for yourself on his birthday instead. After living through a relationship with a narc, you deserve it. Hugs.

God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.