staying strong78's story

When I met him I thought he was charming, funny, attentive, genuine, sweet etc. He wanted to see me regularly and asked me things about myself. He was complimentary and reliable with making and keeping plans, calling. He seemed to enjoy my company.
The first “gut” feelings I started having were in relation to how he spoke of his childhood. He stated he felt insecure that he came from a “broken” home and that his mother was an alcoholic. He stated he was kicked out by his mother and lived with his dad. Stated that he thought no one loved him. He wouldn’t elaborate on why he was kicked out.
I ignored my gut feelings and figured, everyone has past hurts and that I shouldn’t judge on that. He seemed nice, but just had some insecurities/past hurts.
Over the next months, we went on some camping trips and enjoyed this. We laughed a lot, teased each other often.
In the beginning of our relationship, he seemed to praise that I am a nurse. Later though, I found myself subjected to comments that degraded my job. For instance, he stated that “I am a lawyer and you\re just a nurse”. he stated he was “just joking”. On another occassion he commented when out with my friends, “how hard is it to change a band-aid or give a bed bath” I have a degree in nursing and work in the ICU. I felt very offended by his comments. I expressed my unease to him regarding these comments. He would apologize at the time, but it didn’t change. The comments just became more subtle.
I had shared with him that I am slightly insecure about a scar I have on my cheek. One night when we were with friends, 2 work guys came and said hi to me. Immediately after, my BF pointed out my scar to me and said he could really notice it in the light. My stomache sank but I pretended I wasn’t bothered because I knew he was trying to make me feel bad.
Over time, I noticed that his outlook on life seemed more negative than what I originally thought. He expressed a dissatisfaction with his job. Stated that he often felt that he was in the wrong profession. He would spend a fair amount of time talking about himself and his stresses. He was not as interested in hearing about me or my day anymore.
After 5 months of dating, he broke it off with me. It happened after I had gone out for Halloween with a friend. I could tell he seemed “annoyed” I was going out and he expressed how he hated Halloween. The following day he told me that he didn’t think that we had “spark” etc. he cried and went into his childhood problems again and stated he didn’t know if he was falling in love with me.
I was devastated. Although I could sense a change in him, I couldn’t understand how someone that had me on a pedestial for some time, could just throw me away.
Two days following, he called me. Stated that he made a mistake. Said he got scared and was worried I was out seeking other men. It didn’t make sense to me as I had never stood him up, ignored a call from him, or did anything to make him feel untrusting. I decided to give him another chance.
We got back together. I was relieved, but also didn’t sense that he truly appreciated the fact that he broke my heart and I was giving him a second chance. I felt taken for granted.
Within a few weeks, he became cold/distant again. I tried to discuss it with him but he denied anything was wrong. He would warm up a bit, then get cool again. I was getting tired of this and started getting a bit cold towards him. He then broke up with me again, stating that I gave him the cold shoulder when we were out (which I did). Stated he never wanted to feel that again.
I found out that within days of us breaking up, he had moved on. I was shocked and felt betrayed because it was obvious that he had been interacting with this girl while still with me. She was someone he knew through co workers.

Fast forward. One year later I saw him on face book through a mutual friend. I sent him a quick email. He responded and later asked to get together. We were back together soon after that.
These are the things that happened in our last year inbetween good times:
-again, initially very attentive, caring etc.
-still insecure. I went to mexico with a friend ( had it planned before getting back together). He told me several times through email how it was so difficult for him that I was there. Jealous/worried I would hook up etc.
-the comments on my job started again. Referring to my classes as “little”, comments on how many days off I get ( I work 12 hour shifts).
-subtle insults- if a guy hit on me he would say “they hit on everything”. I was flattered to get I’d (I’m 31), and he said “they did it to make you feel better”. comments that were so subtle but still insulting. Not daily, but frequent enough
-we were both drinking and were having an argument at his house. He wanted to go to bed but I was still upset, crying, and kept wanting to talk. I do realize that I should have just quit and left it until the next day. Anyways, the more I cried the more upset he got. He told me to get out. I wouldn’t just leave. He became infuriated. Face red, spit coming out of his mouth. He told me I was “just like his mother”. it scared me as I had never seen him that mad before. I put my hand on his shoulder in attempt to calm him. He pushed me and then called the police. When they arrived, he was calm and hugged me when we left. The next day I felt so guilty and apologized profusely for not leaving when he asked me to.
-I went off antidepressants as didn‘t feel I still needed them (after consulting physician). My BF admitted to knowing little about depression but was keen for me to go off medications. Stating he didn’t believe in them. I had a really bad night one evening (withdrawing off antidepressant) and called him. He told me he was going to a work party. I felt a bit slighted that he wanted me to get off the antidepressants, but wasn’t there for me when it got tough. He called later that night and I told him this. He said“ are you telling me this is my fault?” then I felt guilty.
-my grandpa had to have radiation for 6 weeks. I am very close to my grandpa and was upset for him. I went to see him for a few days as he was in a city where our family doesn’t live and was alone. I asked my BF if he would consider going with me and it was a no right away. That was the only time I ever flat out asked him for anything.
-he invited me to a work party. I wasn’t sure where exactly to go and couldn’t get a hold of him. I showed up, not knowing anyone amongst 100 people and went looking for him. Found him shortly but was embarrassed. I casually said it would have been nice if he could have met me at the door. This turned into him yelling at me saying that something else must be wrong with me, he has had a hard week and I wouldn’t know because I get so many days off, and that I have a lot to learn about being independent as he just bought a house ( I have owned mine for 4 years lol). Anyways, he went of topic, not making sense, and by the end I was crying and apologizing.
-I did several favours for him when he moved (cleaned, helped with renos etc.) Spent hours on his stuff. He went away and wanted me to check in on his house. I said I would but I ended up having my own issues (car problems) to deal with. He was mad. Stated that if he would have known he couldn’t count on me he would have asked someone else and then threw in my face one favour he had done for me. I defended myself, but then felt guilty again, cried ( which made him more mad) and then I was apologizing again. He did give a quick apology later, but didn’t want to talk about it.
-frequently moody. ALWAYS stressed with his work. Complaining things aren’t done right etc. I was always listening but he was bored with my stuff or would forget things I just finished saying etc.
-he would make a point of telling me how much my gifts were or flowers he bought me
-when we were with my family for a day, he not once asked my grandpa ( who just finished radiation) how he was feeling. He just kept talking about himself.
-my mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks and he didn’t go visit her with me once.
-we did not drink often. Of all the occassions that we did, half of them ended in disagreements. Usually over me feeling he wasn’t really committed to our relationship or putting effort in. I tried communicating in private and when we weren’t drinking but he wouldn’t communicate and then if I had a few drinks and my inhibitions were down, I’d mention things. Then I was blamed for fighting when we were out.
-after about 10 or 11 months, I started getting a gut feeling that he was interested in someone else. He was frequently more cool with me. I didn’t ask him if he was cheating, I did ask if he was having issues with our relationship. I had been down the break up road with him twice before and could see the familiarity with his actions. He said things were fine. He said I needed to get a grip as I asked him this twice now.
-I would get the vibe he was annoyed that I called him. He was grumpy and short with me several times. So I would back off. Then he would call several times later wondering why he hadn’t heard from me.
-we went to his Christmas party. I felt very uneasy as he had been hot/cold. I did my best to seem happy. I interacted with others there, participated in conversation, joked, etc. he kept asking me if anything was wrong. He would ask quietly, but in front of people. I said I was fine and carried on. Even though I felt off, I wasn’t going to argue at his party. At the end of the night, he was angry. We left and when in his car he said he didn’t want me going on his company ski trip because of the way I am. I was so upset as I didn’t do anything horrible. It went downhill from there. I was angry that this was happening again ( his coldness). I told him I thought maybe he was cheating or something because something wasn’t right. He basically broke up with me in his car when dropping me off. I lost it. I had been drinking, I was emotional. I wouldn’t get out of the car. I panicked and was crying. He phoned the police on me again, I was humiliated.
-we spoke the next day and he basically told me that he thought he was going to get violent and he couldn’t allow that as he could lose his job.
-he brought my stuff over and when he left he said “I’m sorry”. I told him to not be sorry as he was doing me a favour. This wasn’t going anywhere and I needed to move on with my life. He completely looked shocked and then proceeded to phone me over the next several hours. Saying, “ sounds like you pretty much broke up with me to” Crying saying that he had a bad childhood etc and work stressed him out and that he wasn’t seeing any other woman and that he did appreciate me and that he was thinking of moving in with me next year etc. saying sorry he hurt me etc. as soon as I started lightning up a bit, he stopped crying and was more distant again. Felt like it was ok for him to want to end things, but he didn’t want me to agree. Like he wanted me to be hurt.

I haven’t heard from him nor have I contacted him since. That’s my story condensed as well as i could lol.
Why can’t I stop blaming myself???