staying strong78's story

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#1 Jan 22 - 6PM
Steph's picture

staying strong78's story

When I met him I thought he was charming, funny, attentive, genuine, sweet etc. He wanted to see me regularly and asked me things about myself. He was complimentary and reliable with making and keeping plans, calling. He seemed to enjoy my company.
The first “gut” feelings I started having were in relation to how he spoke of his childhood. He stated he felt insecure that he came from a “broken” home and that his mother was an alcoholic. He stated he was kicked out by his mother and lived with his dad. Stated that he thought no one loved him. He wouldn’t elaborate on why he was kicked out.
I ignored my gut feelings and figured, everyone has past hurts and that I shouldn’t judge on that. He seemed nice, but just had some insecurities/past hurts.
Over the next months, we went on some camping trips and enjoyed this. We laughed a lot, teased each other often.
In the beginning of our relationship, he seemed to praise that I am a nurse. Later though, I found myself subjected to comments that degraded my job. For instance, he stated that “I am a lawyer and you\re just a nurse”. he stated he was “just joking”. On another occassion he commented when out with my friends, “how hard is it to change a band-aid or give a bed bath” I have a degree in nursing and work in the ICU. I felt very offended by his comments. I expressed my unease to him regarding these comments. He would apologize at the time, but it didn’t change. The comments just became more subtle.
I had shared with him that I am slightly insecure about a scar I have on my cheek. One night when we were with friends, 2 work guys came and said hi to me. Immediately after, my BF pointed out my scar to me and said he could really notice it in the light. My stomache sank but I pretended I wasn’t bothered because I knew he was trying to make me feel bad.
Over time, I noticed that his outlook on life seemed more negative than what I originally thought. He expressed a dissatisfaction with his job. Stated that he often felt that he was in the wrong profession. He would spend a fair amount of time talking about himself and his stresses. He was not as interested in hearing about me or my day anymore.
After 5 months of dating, he broke it off with me. It happened after I had gone out for Halloween with a friend. I could tell he seemed “annoyed” I was going out and he expressed how he hated Halloween. The following day he told me that he didn’t think that we had “spark” etc. he cried and went into his childhood problems again and stated he didn’t know if he was falling in love with me.
I was devastated. Although I could sense a change in him, I couldn’t understand how someone that had me on a pedestial for some time, could just throw me away.
Two days following, he called me. Stated that he made a mistake. Said he got scared and was worried I was out seeking other men. It didn’t make sense to me as I had never stood him up, ignored a call from him, or did anything to make him feel untrusting. I decided to give him another chance.
We got back together. I was relieved, but also didn’t sense that he truly appreciated the fact that he broke my heart and I was giving him a second chance. I felt taken for granted.
Within a few weeks, he became cold/distant again. I tried to discuss it with him but he denied anything was wrong. He would warm up a bit, then get cool again. I was getting tired of this and started getting a bit cold towards him. He then broke up with me again, stating that I gave him the cold shoulder when we were out (which I did). Stated he never wanted to feel that again.
I found out that within days of us breaking up, he had moved on. I was shocked and felt betrayed because it was obvious that he had been interacting with this girl while still with me. She was someone he knew through co workers.

Fast forward. One year later I saw him on face book through a mutual friend. I sent him a quick email. He responded and later asked to get together. We were back together soon after that.
These are the things that happened in our last year inbetween good times:
-again, initially very attentive, caring etc.
-still insecure. I went to mexico with a friend ( had it planned before getting back together). He told me several times through email how it was so difficult for him that I was there. Jealous/worried I would hook up etc.
-the comments on my job started again. Referring to my classes as “little”, comments on how many days off I get ( I work 12 hour shifts).
-subtle insults- if a guy hit on me he would say “they hit on everything”. I was flattered to get I’d (I’m 31), and he said “they did it to make you feel better”. comments that were so subtle but still insulting. Not daily, but frequent enough
-we were both drinking and were having an argument at his house. He wanted to go to bed but I was still upset, crying, and kept wanting to talk. I do realize that I should have just quit and left it until the next day. Anyways, the more I cried the more upset he got. He told me to get out. I wouldn’t just leave. He became infuriated. Face red, spit coming out of his mouth. He told me I was “just like his mother”. it scared me as I had never seen him that mad before. I put my hand on his shoulder in attempt to calm him. He pushed me and then called the police. When they arrived, he was calm and hugged me when we left. The next day I felt so guilty and apologized profusely for not leaving when he asked me to.
-I went off antidepressants as didn‘t feel I still needed them (after consulting physician). My BF admitted to knowing little about depression but was keen for me to go off medications. Stating he didn’t believe in them. I had a really bad night one evening (withdrawing off antidepressant) and called him. He told me he was going to a work party. I felt a bit slighted that he wanted me to get off the antidepressants, but wasn’t there for me when it got tough. He called later that night and I told him this. He said“ are you telling me this is my fault?” then I felt guilty.
-my grandpa had to have radiation for 6 weeks. I am very close to my grandpa and was upset for him. I went to see him for a few days as he was in a city where our family doesn’t live and was alone. I asked my BF if he would consider going with me and it was a no right away. That was the only time I ever flat out asked him for anything.
-he invited me to a work party. I wasn’t sure where exactly to go and couldn’t get a hold of him. I showed up, not knowing anyone amongst 100 people and went looking for him. Found him shortly but was embarrassed. I casually said it would have been nice if he could have met me at the door. This turned into him yelling at me saying that something else must be wrong with me, he has had a hard week and I wouldn’t know because I get so many days off, and that I have a lot to learn about being independent as he just bought a house ( I have owned mine for 4 years lol). Anyways, he went of topic, not making sense, and by the end I was crying and apologizing.
-I did several favours for him when he moved (cleaned, helped with renos etc.) Spent hours on his stuff. He went away and wanted me to check in on his house. I said I would but I ended up having my own issues (car problems) to deal with. He was mad. Stated that if he would have known he couldn’t count on me he would have asked someone else and then threw in my face one favour he had done for me. I defended myself, but then felt guilty again, cried ( which made him more mad) and then I was apologizing again. He did give a quick apology later, but didn’t want to talk about it.
-frequently moody. ALWAYS stressed with his work. Complaining things aren’t done right etc. I was always listening but he was bored with my stuff or would forget things I just finished saying etc.
-he would make a point of telling me how much my gifts were or flowers he bought me
-when we were with my family for a day, he not once asked my grandpa ( who just finished radiation) how he was feeling. He just kept talking about himself.
-my mom was in the hospital for 2 weeks and he didn’t go visit her with me once.
-we did not drink often. Of all the occassions that we did, half of them ended in disagreements. Usually over me feeling he wasn’t really committed to our relationship or putting effort in. I tried communicating in private and when we weren’t drinking but he wouldn’t communicate and then if I had a few drinks and my inhibitions were down, I’d mention things. Then I was blamed for fighting when we were out.
-after about 10 or 11 months, I started getting a gut feeling that he was interested in someone else. He was frequently more cool with me. I didn’t ask him if he was cheating, I did ask if he was having issues with our relationship. I had been down the break up road with him twice before and could see the familiarity with his actions. He said things were fine. He said I needed to get a grip as I asked him this twice now.
-I would get the vibe he was annoyed that I called him. He was grumpy and short with me several times. So I would back off. Then he would call several times later wondering why he hadn’t heard from me.
-we went to his Christmas party. I felt very uneasy as he had been hot/cold. I did my best to seem happy. I interacted with others there, participated in conversation, joked, etc. he kept asking me if anything was wrong. He would ask quietly, but in front of people. I said I was fine and carried on. Even though I felt off, I wasn’t going to argue at his party. At the end of the night, he was angry. We left and when in his car he said he didn’t want me going on his company ski trip because of the way I am. I was so upset as I didn’t do anything horrible. It went downhill from there. I was angry that this was happening again ( his coldness). I told him I thought maybe he was cheating or something because something wasn’t right. He basically broke up with me in his car when dropping me off. I lost it. I had been drinking, I was emotional. I wouldn’t get out of the car. I panicked and was crying. He phoned the police on me again, I was humiliated.
-we spoke the next day and he basically told me that he thought he was going to get violent and he couldn’t allow that as he could lose his job.
-he brought my stuff over and when he left he said “I’m sorry”. I told him to not be sorry as he was doing me a favour. This wasn’t going anywhere and I needed to move on with my life. He completely looked shocked and then proceeded to phone me over the next several hours. Saying, “ sounds like you pretty much broke up with me to” Crying saying that he had a bad childhood etc and work stressed him out and that he wasn’t seeing any other woman and that he did appreciate me and that he was thinking of moving in with me next year etc. saying sorry he hurt me etc. as soon as I started lightning up a bit, he stopped crying and was more distant again. Felt like it was ok for him to want to end things, but he didn’t want me to agree. Like he wanted me to be hurt.

I haven’t heard from him nor have I contacted him since. That’s my story condensed as well as i could lol.
Why can’t I stop blaming myself???

May 11 - 5PM
helldweller's picture

Lawyer trouble

My N's not a lawyer but a flipping JUDGE--second generation. His brothers are judges, too. The entitlement and superiority and inbred belittlement is enough to make your head swim. It's like being in the principal's office every five minutes. I can't tell you how many "talking-tos" I've had about how to act in public, how nothing is anyone's business, how I am not allowed to speak to anyone,etc. I'm not even allowed to speak to his brother's girlfriend unless we are all in the same room together. Then there is the prince--the N's foster child--who they built a wall around because he's going to inherit the kingdom from the N and his brothers. Needless to say, my children weren't appropriate for this for some reason, so we weren't allowed to get married. For some sick purpose, the heir had to be someone with no woman attached.
Mar 24 - 9PM
joeP's picture

A man's perspective

First I want to say how sorry I am that you had to go thru that. Your grandmother was right, you do have an angel watching over you. So many never know what they were dealing with only to be left alone with more pain than they have ever experienced in their life and not knowing why. At least you now know why. You were with a souless creature that can mimic a human being. As a man I can tell you that I treat a woman EXACTLY as I want to be treated. I would not think of humiliating, devaluing or abusing a women I was in love with. This is NOT normal or acceptable by any stretch of the imagination. Think about this, if you weren't in any pain right now and he came sniffing around would you want this person in your life knowing who he is now, a fraud? Knowing he will always treat you badly or worse? For me in the first weeks of the breakup I desperately thought I wanted her back, But what I REALY wanted was the pain to stop and I thought she held the key. In reality the only key she held was the key to openning me up for more PAIN and ABUSE. Can an an N change? Yes they can. They can get MUCH WORSE!
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #28)
Susan32's picture


My ex-N would reduce me to tears in public... and after the D&D, he revealed the OW... his girlfriend from LA. It's bad enough to be romantically rejected. You're in love with a man, and he's not in love with you, that's painful enough, isn't it? But for the SAME MAN to berate you in public, treat you like a little child who "needs to learn a lesson", verbally abuse you and humiliate you... it's MUCH MORE PAINFUL. My ex-N never seemed to get it... that whole Golden Rule thing. Would he have wanted me to berate and humiliate him? No way. But for some reason, he thought it was OK. One humiliation after another.
Apr 25 - 2PM (Reply to #27)
Steph's picture


Thanks so much for your comments. It's validating to have a man's perspective for sure. "I would not think of humiliating, devaluing or abusing a women I was in love with. This is NOT normal or acceptable by any stretch of the imagination." So true!! It's taken time and therapy but I am definately seeing things more clear than I was 4 months ago. I find myself remembering other things that happened or were said that were unnacceptable too....I just thought it was normal at the time. i no longer struggle with "was it my fault" it's more like " how the hell did i end up allowing myself to be so disrespected/mistreated and abused by someone and WHY did i take responsibility for his behaviour??" That's what I'm working on now. Thanks again for your words. I hope your recovery is going well too:)
Mar 28 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
ForeverLearning's picture

Well Said

StayingStrong78, Joe summed it up well - the golden rule is so important - treat others as you would want to be treated, and if they don't treat you right, they absolutely must be eliminated from you life. Narcissists are Love Frauds.
Mar 20 - 4PM
angela0714's picture

Please not feel guilty!

This is what he wants. For you to feel guilty. Much of what you wrote sounds like my NPD soon to be ex-husband whose 51 now. They thrive on placing all blame on you. They will flip in public and later privately with you when you "outshine" them in a social setting. Even though that's not you're intent. They can't stand that other people like you. My ex did this when I met some friend of his from out of town for the 1st time. He got up and left the table in a restaurant when his friend innocently joked about him being a little bit "rough around the edges." When I laughed he went crazy and went outside like a sulking child. It was all said in jest. Anyway, my point is this. He told me I was trying to play the audience. I just met these people and thought it was weird he viewed it in such a distorted way. Look, everything they do and infer is convoluted. No normal person view things quite the way they do. Don't try to figure him out. You'll never be able to make sense of him. Don't blame yourself or let him define your worth. He's not a good judge of character beacuse he has none. I know it's hard, because recovering from someone who is so volitaile and warped is unlike anything else. With time, the recognizing of normal people and normal behavior will emerge. Be strong! Angela
Apr 25 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
Steph's picture


"Don't blame yourself or let him define your worth. He's not a good judge of character beacuse he has none. I know it's hard, because recovering from someone who is so volitaile and warped is unlike anything else. With time, the recognizing of normal people and normal behavior will emerge." A million thank you's to you:)
Jan 26 - 5AM
grossot's picture

staying strong

First of all, he was so incredibly jealous of you. He coulkdnt handle that you interacted well with others. Second of all, he called the police because he was going to get violent and couldn't let that happen bc of his job? What about your safety? And typically people get the police involved bc they are fearful of another person's violence. My N called the police on me as well. I was checking on our daughter in my own home which he had kicked me out of bc he said he was in the ER with her and refused to give me details. Its like they live in a soap opera and they think the world is watching them. Must be so tiring. I'm so sorry you went through this. I believe our experiences with Ns have lead us all to learn important lessons. Be strong and confident. I can tell you are humble and hard working and a well liked individual; N will never attain those qualities for him self! nolongercontrolled
May 11 - 6PM (Reply to #22)
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture


"Its like they live in a soap opera and they think the world is watching them. Must be so tiring. " Loved this comment!! So for sure! Mine could never get enough drama! He often acted worse than an old gossipey someone...... always stirring stirring stirring the brew! This divorce battle ought to entertain him for a while! :)
Jan 26 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
Steph's picture

Thanks for you comment and

Thanks for you comment and the link:) I replay that last night and i know I wasn't feeling myself at his party, but i know i handled myself well there. i did the best i could given that inside i felt like shit.....because of the hot/cold way he had been for the month leading up to that night. i did try to talk to him previously about it like adults and he brushed it off. blamed everything on his work. but i knew it wasn't. i know how he has gotten before when he wanted to break up and he was acting the SAME way. anyways, for him to tell me that i behaved wrong at the party was a slap in the face. it's ok for him to not feel himself but not for me. i was uncomfortable there but i didn't DO/SAY anything wrong. i guess i wore my discomfort on my face. i was nice to everyone, including him. he even said that when i sensed he was mad, i got "nicer" to him. which i did because i didn't want to fight!! so i guess being nicer or ass kissing to someone to avoid a potential fight is wrong too?? I just wish I would have handled myself differently. I wish I would have just walked away and not reacted to things that were said in his car afterwards. but i'm HUMAN. and i have accepted MORE than my share of the blame. besides, the bigger picture is he was impossible to have a healthy relationship with! manipulator. and i don't want someone that thinks they are so superior to me. anyways, just venting feels good. this site is so helpful as are the people on it:)
Jan 24 - 9AM
agnesmurphy17's picture

Why are you blaming yourself?

My psychiatrist told me that there are two kinds of people in this world. People who blame others for what goes wrong (your ex-BF). And, those who blame themselves for what goes wrong (yourself). The two of you were a perfect ying-yang--complemented each other perfectly. He felt "violent." He says, my feelings of violence are your fault because I never felt this way before (blames you). You say, he never felt violent with a woman before, therefore, I must have done something to bring this out in him (blaming yourself). Gee! His violent feelings are his feelings . . . how could you possibly feel responsible for his feelings? If this was true, then you could also be responsible for engendering in him a grand & passionate love--a perfect relationship. Alas! Nobody has that power. We are not responsible for engendering or not engendering the feelings & emotions felt by another. And, I hate to tell you . . . he has felt violence before! And he has been violent. This man called the police not one time but two times! (No. Do not explain to me that he is a lawyer. Not relevant here. What is relevant is that he told you that he could not get violent because that would cost him his job--not hurt you.) He called the police to lay a foundation that he is the victim of your abuse. The police make a report of every incident & file it. So, in the future, if something happened, & you called the police on him & charged him with assault & battery, or threats, or took out a restraining order (all of which would be a problem for his license to practice law)-- he had ammunition on file to use to assassinate your character & to cast questions on your credibility so your accusation, in the end, would be discredited. Believe me! Trust me! You are so lucky that you were not arrested when he called the police. This man is really refined & calculating. A manipulator. Very dangerous. Now. You need to go get a few books. Patricia Evans works about verbal abuse. Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? Deborah Stern, The Gaslight Effect. Sandy Hotchkiss, Why is It Always About You? This JERK has really done a number on you! Really twisted you around with his mind games. You need to learn his techniques. Recognize the the techniques he has used to brainwash you into believing that you are the problem, not him. Why are you blaming yourself? Projection. He has projected all his sick & twisted emotional crap onto you. He selected you because he knew you would be a willing receiver. The man is really sick & twisted. Please. Never, ever, ever have any contact with him again. From now on in work on understanding what happened. Learn how to spot the red flags. Never allow this to happen to you again. Actually, that you are empathetic & caring (hence, a nurse) is exactly why this jerk preyed on you. Listen to you making excuses for him because of his childhood traumas. (We all have traumas--no excuse to hurt others.) Never allow a predator like this to seize upon you again.
Jan 24 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
Steph's picture

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your insight:) It's interesting because a friend of mine said it seemed as though he was "building a case against me". i just couldn't believe someone who "loves" me and i love would be that calculating and it was easier to accept the blame myself. the more time that passes since contact with him though and reading stuff here, talking to a therapist, the more i am gaining better perspective. Honestly, i think about those police-called-on-me occassions and NO person that knows me and loves me would have responded to my emotions in that way. They would have NEVER called the police on me and humiliated me that way. I can't think of one person in my life that would react to my tears like that. I am starting to understand the manipulation there. On the first occassion he was so angry and i tried to calm him by putting my hand on his shoulder and he pushed me. then when the cops show up, he's nice and calm and HUGS ME....where 20minutes prior he pushed me away to not be touched. WEIRD. and the second time, i do believe he would have not called the police if i had just gotten out of his car and left. he mentioned the following day that people had been watching us argue inside and outside of his car. i wondered if maybe he called the police before someone else did and it could look bad for him... whatever the case, the first time he did it should have been my BIGGEST red flag of all the red flags!! I am learning alot here. I am slowly and steadily starting to see things for what they are and starting to allow myself to dump the self blame. Thank you again for your thoughts. Very helpful. Very appreciated:)
Jan 24 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
agnesmurphy17's picture

Believe it!

"i just couldn't believe someone who "loves" me and i love would be that calculating" If I had a buck for every time mine said he loved me! I am so tired of all this love, love, love crap these guys spew forth. As if love condones all their actions. Judge the man by his actions, not his words. Nobody who loves you is violent towards you . . . no man pushes you away & then calls the police. Why didn't he just walk away & that was the end of the relationship? Because, love for this guy is the harangue. This is exactly what he wants. But, somehow, he's scared for his license to practice law. I bet he got into legal trouble once & had a narrow escape which preserved his license to practice. Men who have been arrested & charged with domestic abuse & even convicted with jail time . . . they learn the ropes. They learn to call the police first, to take out restraining orders . . . they learn the game. Life is a game to a sociopath & a narcissist. "then when the cops show up, he's nice and calm and HUGS ME....where 20minutes prior he pushed me away to not be touched. WEIRD." This is not weird. It's very dangerous behavior. His true personality is the rage & anger. The mask is the congenial man who spoke to the police &, if I'm right, I bet he flashed that bar card to the police along with his driver's license? This is the Dr. Jykell & Mr. Hyde syndrome. This lawyer is very dangerous. If ever you want to contact him. Come to the board first. Write it out. Within one hour somebody will respond. And tell you: NO! NO CONTACT! This man will destroy you. You may lose your license to be a nurse if you continue to play his games. You could be arrested for abusing him! I kid you not. It happens.
Jan 24 - 7PM (Reply to #19)
Steph's picture

i do remember him making a

i do remember him making a point of telling the cops he's a lawyer. i will never contact him again. last time we broke up after dating 6 months...i called for awhile and we were "friends". i think it just fed his ego to see me struggle to get over him. oh, i think how pathetic/weak i was then. i have not contacted him since this break up. it's been 6 weeks and i am so proud for not contacting him. i have learned so much here. my grandma tells me i have a guardian angel watching over me that got him out of my life. i am believing that! the self blame is lessening by the minute and the reality is taking over. i am so thankful.
Jan 26 - 6AM (Reply to #16)
ForeverLearning's picture

Those Who Blame Others And Those Who Blame Themselves

I love it when you relayed this info: "My psychiatrist told me that there are two kinds of people in this world. People who blame others for what goes wrong (your ex-BF). And, those who blame themselves for what goes wrong (yourself). The two of you were a perfect ying-yang--complemented each other perfectly." Wow, please keep these gems of wisdom coming from your psychiatrist, I love it! Wish my shrinks had been as insightful. Psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, mental health professionals, you name it - they are only human, and you never know what you will get when you go to one. Of course being in a fragile state of mind, you don't know at the time if the therapist is worth a crap or not. Anyways, thanks for sharing your therapists wisdom, I genuinely love reading it and think they were right on the money about alot of stuff.
Jan 23 - 10AM
nhtmf's picture

Hello, Staying Strong-----

Hello, Staying Strong----- If your X were to have a heart attack, get severely beaten, or have a terrible car accident, etc. I wonder, if brought to the hospital where you work, he would still consider you just a woman with a measly pathetic job? In true "nut" fashion this guy is definately feeling invinsible. You may be the one someday taking care of him 12 hours a day !!!!!
Jan 24 - 2AM (Reply to #12)
Steph's picture

lol! i have a hunch he'd

lol! i have a hunch he'd still find a way to minimize the nurses.
Jan 24 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
Ellen's picture

About violence

Hi staying strong, My exN said that it was a good job we weren't together when we were younger cos he would have hurt me. At the time i thought he meant psychologically but other have said he meant physically. He id begin to get physical after that. He grabbed my shoulders a couple of times, then physically threw me out of his work. It was directly after that that i knew what i was dealing with and went no contact straight away, So i say yes he has been violent before and so has my ex although i have no proof only what he has said and what i feel. I didn't know in the whole two years that he was struggling with urges like that. He did a great cover up. He left his first wife cos he pulled over a cabinet. He admitted to throwing furniture with his second wife but not to touching her. He left me before it got physical but it was there so i've had a lucky escape and so have you.
Jan 24 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
Steph's picture

Thank you:) Scary to think

Thank you:) Scary to think what could happen. These people are great at charming the pants of us, making it easy to excuse their bad behaviour and think they could never hurt a flea. My councellor told me that her husband was emotionally abusive like my ex and that that's how it starts. She said it took her husband (now ex) 7 years before he began getting physical. All the more reason to pay attention to the EARLY signs, red flags etc. now. It gets worse. I am happy you are out of your dangerous relationship as well!!
Jan 22 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Welcome staying strong78

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG I repeat: YOU did nothing wrong... get into therapy IMMEDIATELY - call a DV Center if you need to get an advocate ASAP to get this man completely out of your life - NOW! - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT. PLEASE do this BEFORE asking questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do. Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. - PLEASE read through our WHOLE blog: - chock full of articles about Ns and healing PLEASE read the Rules prior to posting. Thanks - listen to our free radio show - archived at: Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's left you with!! BLOCK HIS EMAILS, IMs and TEXTS change your phone & cell numbers NO CONTACT! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP!!! again YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 22 - 8PM
ForeverLearning's picture

Your Brain Is Mixed Up Right Now - But, Have No Fear!!!

You are blaming yourself because it's just part of the process everyone goes through, when trying to make their way out of CrazyLand!! The "love & feel good" chemicals in your brain are extremely mixed up right now. Think of a snow globe, in the spin cycle of a washing machine. Something like that. Just about everyone who has spent any time in CrazyLand has experienced this agony. Have no fear, there is a cure to get things back to normal. The key is knowledge of what you just endured with this Non-Human life long Psychopathic First Class Loser. You must be patient and let time have a chance to heal you. You must have no contact with this douchebag. Or else you go straight back to square one, with your brain screaming in confused agony "Oh God No!!!! Here We Go AGAIN!!!!!!". As a nurse your brain right now will understand this much: you have to let these deep wounds in your brain, heart and soul have time to heal without ripping them back open and exposing them to infection. You must read everything on this website so you realize you are not alone in the batshit crazy hell you just lived through at the hands of Mr. "I Had A Tough Childhood But Now I Am A Big Shot Attorney So Now You Get To Be My Emotional Punching Bag So I Can Get My Sick Kicks By Watching You Suffer In Constant Confused Agony And Despair As I Did As A Kid". Jesus Joseph and Mary, just reading your story gave me a really bad headache. But only because I have been there too and it pisses me off to see all the pain and suffering you endured. And you must follow Barbara's advice on seeking counseling (and all other advice she gives you). Time must pass to heal. That is just a Universal Golden Rule of Life. Accept that fact, just as if you just got out of trauma surgery in the ICU - now you must heal. I'll bet you can relate to that analogy! You were deep in CrazyLand with this douchebag, so its gonna take a while to find your way out. But you have come to the right place for directions back to Normalville! And God willing, you will eventually find the peace, and in that, genuine happiness. God bless you and hang in there while your brain teeter totters back to normal, and yes, you will see clearly and stop blaming yourself, and place the blame squarely on the Psychopath who played with your brain for far too long.
Jan 22 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
Steph's picture

Thank u so much for your

Thank u so much for your comments and understanding:) I guess the part i blame myself so much for is him telling me that he thought he could get violent and that "no woman has ever made him feel that before". it plays in my head over and over. then i get wrapped up in remembering all of the good times - because he could be so sweet/affectionate/funny. then i start the process of thinking i ruined a great relationship... even though the smart part of me knows otherwise!! my friends/family hate him and can't understand why i can't just get over it. thanks for your understanding and validating that it's normal for me to have these mixed up thoughts. i feel much more normal and hopeful that things will get better. thank you!
Jan 23 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
ForeverLearning's picture

Uncertainty and Blaming Yourself.... Life Is Short, Move On

Did you know almost ANY guy can be sweet/affectionate/funny, if given the opportunity with a willing woman to be that way for. The difference is, SOME NARCISSISTIC and/or PSYCHOPATHIC guys can ALSO have a DARK SIDE that can be gameplaying, cruel, spiteful, vengeful, hateful, sadistic, ...... even homicidal in some cases. So, most guys can probably be sweet/affectionate/funny given the opportunity and if they are so inclined (to get laid, for instance, if for no other reason). Can we all agree on that? But NOT ALL guys will be the SOUL killing machines that a NARCISSIST/PSYCHOPATH is. Does that make sense? So, lets see here. Mr. Big Shot Attorney told the little measley bed pan/ bed bath nurse (his ridiculous opinion of you, to cut you down to size, minimize your accomplishments in life and not acknowledge that you are in a job WAY MORE STRESSFUL THAN HIS in a FREAKING ICU UNIT, breaking your back every day in long HIGHLY STRESSFUL shifts standing on your feet hours at a time and being bossed around by A-hole Narcissist doctors for 12 hours at a time all the while that he is King of the Mountain at his law office, busy bossing around his female paralegals and secretaries, gee what a tough work day) that "No Woman Has EVER Made Him Feel Like Getting Violent Before". Please recognize, this is 100% MANIPULATION OF YOUR BRAIN to make you feel BAD BAD BAD that you are such a loser to piss him off sooooo bad. Waah waah waah. Can you see the bratty little boy in him yelling at his mother here? Except, you are the stand in for his mother in this situation. Look, given time, this broken record will stop playing in your head OVER and OVER. Just get busy doing other things, to drown out this nonsense guilt trip he laid on you. The biggest clue of all however, is the fact your family and friends HATE HIM. If nothing else, let this be a HUGE red flag to you, that they may in fact be right, he is bad bad news for you. Do you really want to spend another couple years trying to walk on eggshells to keep him happy, all the while you are dying inside? For what? Because once in a while he is "sweet/affectionate/funny"? That is the question you must ultimately ask yourself. God bless you and all the best to you in your journey of learning, called "Life". : )
Jan 24 - 12AM (Reply to #9)
Steph's picture

i love how you explain

i love how you explain things!! it snaps me back to reality! and your blunt assessment of him rings true and gives me a much needed laugh! thank you thank you:)
Jan 23 - 3AM (Reply to #7)
aceonelady's picture

staying strong78

Hi,believe me my ex N toldme the same thing about feeling he could get violent and no woman has ever made him feel that before!I live in Europe him inthe USA i was there for a3 month visit(he begged me to go stay with him)he broke up with me and your feelings from sadness confusion guilt loving hin still and dont understanding why you still do believe me is something that i am pretty sure most of us here have them!i lleft him after 2 months of hell but we had good moments and strange enough those good moments took most of mythoughts instead the bad ones....But that also changes,now i year later i start to see no matter what i did wasnt going to be enough and believe me i did everything i could have done i also spoke my mind about things ithought was mot ok ....i also did shut up about things to dont get a reaction from him anymore....Nothing we would do would satisfy them,because they dont have the cpacity to feel human!Do you know the science fiction series V about the people that came to Earth with so called good intentions so we have notjing to fear?Thats how our ex N are;They are intelligent.loving some good looking carismatic and they bond with us...But they are like the Visitors underneath their human skin they are in reality lizzards,snakes just like in the series,they entice you to feed their ego and then destroy you!I know is very difficult to let go i have been fighting with my mixed feelings too...Icant forgive or forget but i just want to give it a place to rest....Believe me you will be better,just read knowing we all been and are struggling.


Jan 23 - 1AM (Reply to #6)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

staying strong78

read the WHOLE blog (MY BLOG) there's oodles there for you - about the obessional thoughts, why you don't just "get over it", how they lie, how they are NOT human... Get Lisa's book too. And get a trauma counselor ASAP ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website
Jan 22 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Kelly's picture

You will get through this :)

Remember "Pain is one of the voices of our inner wisdom. It keeps us from settling for the wrong thing."
Jan 24 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
ForeverLearning's picture

Pain Is Our Inner Wisdom Warning Us

It sure it. Created by Mother Nature to help warn us and protect us from further harm. To keep us aware and awake to the situation, so to speak. A fire alarm built into our brain to alert us as to when our house (soul) is burning down.
Jan 24 - 11AM (Reply to #4)
Ellen's picture

Well why do some lack this then

Well if it is inbuilt why do some lack it or why do our mothers teach us to ignore it that is not good for survival. Did my mum being the sheep want her lamb to go and be eaten by the wolf while she stood and watched practically.