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Introspection's story

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#1 Mar 30 - 7PM
Introspection
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Introspection's story

How do you know if he is an N? I’ve read many posts on your website and appear that most Ns are very controlling; my x was polar opposite of controlling, he was extremely liberal.

I left him after finding very suggestive emails he wrote to several females. I found this to be inappropriate and went on an on again/off again relationship. Mid 2007 he “took a brake” from our relationship saying that he needed to reconcile my “issue” with emails that meant nothing. My continued insistence that he had cheated had taken a toll; he loved me but needed a break. This was no problem; he lived over 60 miles away from me.

I was physically sick, drinking a lot, taking pills to sleep, crying uncontrollably, and yes… suicidal. He changed; he was irritated by my state, aloof throughout this ordeal but called me daily, as a matter of duty. I had a serious breakdown and embarrassed to say that I was hospitalized. This reaction really took me by surprise. I am the type of person that is exercises emotional control, strong and confident, intelligent, yet loosing this person took me to the brink?

I found out that during the period he was “reconciling” he was dating, at least one female I busted him with and later I found that he was listed on “Match.com.” He was furious and told me hurtful things but none more hurtful than “let me stop by your home and help you kill yourself.” Realize that this was the “first” time he had ever told me hurtful things. He at one point convinced me that he broke up with me and was not “taking a break” as I had understood.

Why then would we talk every day, at least twice a day and why were we intimate after our “alleged” break-up? I moved 2000 miles away from him but we work for the same company and I was just an email away.

It’s been over two years since our breakup and certain that I was over him. He applied for a position in my department and yes, stupid selected him for the job and now I’m his boss. Yes, he moved 2000 miles to be close to me or for the promotion?

It’s been a year since he accepted the position and it’s got to the point where he appears to be indifferent. Here and there he’ll make comments like “I saved all the poems and love letters I wrote me when we were together.” He tells me that if I move again, he will follow me. He continues to date others and wants us be friends and “hang-out.” Does this sound like an N person or is this my ego rationalizing?

This was a 4 year relationship. Is this a “fell out of love situation?” During our courtship, I recall telling my friends that he treated me very nice, he was extremely attentive but it didn’t feel like love, it was more like he “read a book” on what to say and do around me. I have not been able to find interest in anyone else, I’m damaged goods. 0

Often I find myself missing him and wonder if it is the “honeymoon” phase that I’m trapped in? Again, I want to run away from him but can I really escape? I’m looking for answers and perhaps that will bring the closure that I need!

May 19 - 12AM
azucar
azucar's picture

How are you doing Intropsection?

Any updates?
May 22 - 5PM (Reply to #33)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

I haven't found a new job yet...

but I've met someone. I don't like the fact the he works for the same company but seems that for a workaholic like me, it appears to be the only place where I have an opportunity to interact. My XN is not really affecting my days anymore. He continues to date and continues to honor my request that he keep it professional so it is working well for now. More and more he reveals his true identity and now that I am aware of this mental illness, I recognize the characteristics and understand "narcspeak" so that keeps me grounded. I am in peace and that is really my focus in life. I don't want to feel "anything" for my XN and that includes hate. Life is far from being challenge free so there are good days and bad days but the bad days that are associated with my XN are far fewer nowadays. You can say that I am almost free :-) and that is a great feeling. What about u? Any upates?
May 25 - 11PM (Reply to #34)
azucar
azucar's picture

thats great!

I am happy to hear you have met somone! After all this time. I am assuming even though you are not as affected you are still looking for work elsewhere? I know what you mean about an N, left to his own devices reveals himself for what he is over time. As for me, I keep going through good and bad days, but the bad days are farer and fewer in between. I am getting to the point where I can be with mutual friends and not actually talking about the N at all. Therapy has helped. I am finding the words to accurately describe how I feel, the violation and betrayal. Recently, in throwing out some old things I found some very early communications, and his once so seductive statements and actions seem so repulsive to me, now that I know what to look for. The couple of times I have seen him (he hasn't seen me, and its been an accident only for a few mintues), I just get so disgusted I turn the other way, I haven't had time to be on the board, becasue I've been swamped at work, which is also kind of helpful :) oh- I have decided not to date, for at least a year, I just don't have it in me. Keep it up! "Don't waste the pretty"
May 26 - 10PM (Reply to #35)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Don't waste the pretty....a profound statement!

You are a deep thinker and I can totally relate to you, wish you were a close friend! I read and replied to your last posting on the message board...when you saw him. I was able to visualize your state and feel your pain....I've been there! You took me back three years when he first left me...wow, that time was surreal. I was so messed up, the non-stop pain and feeling like I was going out of my mind. He played the same type games but not knowing what I was dealing with, he would reel me in; time again and again. I suffered over a year; a very dark and painful period. Your description of driving to work and tearing broke my heart. All our stories are full of abuse, they used us and dumped us like we were yesterday's trash. The fact that we were so full of love for them and they just "disappeared" from our lifes (for those of us who were lucky) or how they stayed and completely destroyed us is just awful. Just a few years ago I was clueless of this mental illness that appears to be affect MANY...so many "robot" people. With a focus on prevention, I'm glad that I am aware because I can protect myself from future potential "attacks." Knowledge truly is power and helps me move on. I am REALLY happy to hear that you are doing better. It took me a long time to overcome my pain but I'll say it again, you are a very strong person. I'm sure that you feel the same way I do now which is knowing that he is empty, just makes it so much easier to move on...why waste our time with someone that will never love us? You did not suprise me when you announced your decision to skip dating for now; you are a person filled with wisdom and in touch with your inner self. I think that you need a little time to recoup and get grounded, you would not be able to connect. I know that a good man would easily recognize the beautiful woman you are inside and out and most likely fall deeply in love with you; you would not be able to commit. All in due time sweetheart. I am still looking for another job. The new person that I met is the CEO for the area where I am working so I'll kill two birds with one stone; get away from my XN and second, to make sure I'm attracted to the man and not the CEO! I know that there are good days and bad days...tell me about your good days; what is your focus that makes it all better?
May 28 - 12AM (Reply to #36)
azucar
azucar's picture

Aside from therapy connecting with other women has really helped

Hi Introspection! Haha wow the CEO, at least you know he has drive! Oh brother, I hope your N doesnt find out about it, because who knows what crap he'll pull just to be cute. I read your words on the other post. You were very kind, thank you so much, I also feel a special bond with you too. As for focus these days, therapy has helped in trying to come to grips with the damage that been done to me. It is helping me really beleive in my heart (not just my mind) he did not care for me, that the relationship was not real. And that I have been sucked dry. To help me let go even more, there is the ridiculously evil and selfish way he broke NC by IMing me at work (I posted the convo here just so others could see some genuine Narc speak)- he's just so wrong. Again, left to thier own devices, they reveal themselves for what they are. So, to keep moving forward I have made it a point to keep going out and doing things I like to do, but with new friends, women I have met through a website called girlfriendcircle.com. It is so nice to be with people who have never known me as my X-Ns significant other. I balance that with freinds that DO know him, but I have mangaged to talk about him less and less, so we are getting past the awkward phase. Although I vented to them at first about how angry and shocked I was, I was never pumping them for information about him, so they know I would rather not know what he is up to. Lastly, I stay in at least two-three nights a week. I write in my journal, hang with my little sister and come here. This site has been really key to helping me feel that I'm not alone, and I am not some crazy, co-dependent, scorned,bitter, you name it, woman,. Reading all of our stories, getting advice, or just compassion really helps. One step at a time.
May 30 - 6PM (Reply to #37)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

He IMed you?...

Will you send me the link please? What a jerk! It is truly disturbing that they leave us then they "play" f**king games...to what end? The days are hectic busy for me and I'm sure its the same for you...how is it they they can find the time and energy? I will never understand this illness! On a lighter note...you sure we are not crazy, scorned and bitter? :-) I joined the meetup group but really have not gone out to meet and greet. I noticed you now joined the girlfriendcircle.com...I'll check that site. I've been leaning towards volunteering at hospitals but often times get home late from work; I work long hours. I will most likely start working less hours and volunteeer my time to a good cause organization. The XN knows that I am dating the CEO. At first he tried to get "personal" with me asked me how "he" was doing as if we were old friends. I looked at him suprised that he know and he said that he noticed him (CEO) looking at me with this "smittened" look during a meeting. I reminded him that we are not friends and that he needs to keep things at a professional level; he dropped the conversation. He has been acting very well, I hardly see him anymore and he is doing much better at keeping it work-related. Our interaction is turly neutral at this time. A casual observer would say that we have an employee-employer relationship and nothing more. Then again, he never loved me, never did and never will!
Jun 1 - 3PM (Reply to #38)
azucar
azucar's picture

good for you for shutting him down

They mine for information to use against you while acting as if they are even interested. What a jerk! I think volunteering your time is a wonderful thing to do, but I think its also a good idea to do something that is just fun for you. hahah I AM crazy! But only because he made me so. Bitter is actually a little more accurate. When I go out and I notice men noticing me, I get a little defensive, as if I they are all monsters waiting to jump out and eat me or something. It will just take time I suppose. Here is the link. I actually cannot even bring myself to look at it. It was breaking NC even talking to him for two minutes and I felt sick afterwards, like someone had taken a rake and run it through my soul. I just wasn't expecting it...which is wierd since it seems like they always try at least once to worm thier way into your life. But on a bright note, after I talked about it a bit with my therapist I realized that it was a perfect demonstration of how empty and cruel he is. At one pojnt he is even laughing as if I could be cracking a joke. @!#$@ http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2010/05/06/my-n-contacted-me-today-after-two-months-nc
Jun 1 - 10PM (Reply to #39)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Just read the IM exchange....

You did very well, on point and very straight up. In fact, a couple of instances, you cornered him and made him come out. For example, when he tells you that he made you happy...you corrected him and told him that it was not him but that you are a happy person! Also, when you tell him that he was not emotionally available, he lacks a response. He didn't respond because you were on to him and he knew it, "hmmm," is all he could say. You called him an emotional vampire and he "admits" it...I love it! You got a lot off your chest, that's for sure. A common theme between narcs is there instance that they "love us!" I recall asking my XN, what exactly are you talking about. How can you say you love me and you are not with me? Define love! Never could!!! Another common thing with them is that they are into "experiences." With my XN it was all about setting up "perfect" experiences. It was a constant. It the experience did not go his way, he was very unhappy. Your XN fits this same mold. Finally and again, they almost ALWAYS want to remain friends to keep us as a back-up. Sickos!!! Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry it caused you much pain. Your break-up is recent and given the fact that I have been where you are now, I can totally relate. This too shall pass sweetheart! I have a request for assistance on the board, see if you can help me with that one, I would really appreciate your feedback. I feel really selfish that I do not want to spare OW of this pain but deep in my heart, I know she will not believe I have to say. Also, I've asked my XN to keep it professional and contacting her would be breaking this request and it shouldn't be a "one way" request, I should also keep it professional...you agree?
Jun 2 - 1PM (Reply to #40)
ewa
ewa's picture

yes you should not

I agree that you should not contact her. I also wanted to contact one of them because i knew he will give her even bigger pain, her mother recently died so i truly feel for her. But you know first of all N is a good manipulator so probably she would not believe you, second if he finds out he can get angry and do sth against you. If it is only about keeping things professional , do anybody things N is really able to do it?
Jun 2 - 10PM (Reply to #41)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Thank you EWA

You are such a doll...going through so much pain right now and your heart is so big that you are reaching out and helping others on this forum...I am sooo proud of you! I've reviewed the recommendations provided so far and am leaning towards not contacting her, don't know if I even have the strength to handle this type situation...I'll post my decision as soon as I make it...
Apr 24 - 1PM
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

A friend of mine told me

A friend of mine told me this, she's had to deal with an N in her past: I think it's one of the most cruelest cowardice things people do in relationships, these revolving door type of men are weak, they don't want to break up officially because he wants to rely on always having someone around if something doesn't work out with the other woman/women and his agenda is to always have someone around when he's ready to PLAY AND PRETEND to be someones boyfriend which means he needs to keep his foot in the door so he can be able to walk back into her life whenever it's convenient for him and if she happens to say I thought we were over because I hadn't heard from you in so many months he can say I never said it was over, I never dumped you in thus go into a LAME reasons why he couldn't call and maintain contact, the usual lame lies are my dad died, i'm stressed out, I'm in jeopardy of losing my job or I lost my job, my ex stole the kids, my dog ran away but if you pay close attention to his movements online you will see how stressed out he's been, most likely he's laughing it up and giggling it up with other women and hiding post and pictures and what not and he's not answering his phone when it's clear he's available b/c you can see him online...Once they break routine it's a sure sign something is up and it's not good
Apr 1 - 9PM
azucar
azucar's picture

It must be so hard!

Introspection, We ARE lucky we no longer have relationships with these men, but it seems like he just doesn't want to let you go. It also seems incredibly passive agressive for him to move across country and to bring up your past in any way is cruel of him. But whenever you feel confused or like you mught be pulled into some dark place in yoru mind, maybe a trick I use can help you: Remember, he is not a person, just an actor trying to act like a human. Therefore it is now MY turn to turn my N into an object, since he's not human. Whenever painful thoughts of him creep into my head, I like to visualize him as a cartoonish bottle of whisky (his favorite drink)... That bottle doesn't love you, and it never will, because it can't. The only thing it is a tool for you to self-destruct with, if you choose to. Other people love that whiskey and think its great, because they are only exposed to a little of it. But I had a relationship with that bottle, and drank from it every day for 5 years. That makes me an addict in a way, and like an addict, I can't have it around in any way, not even casually (as a freindship). If its painful for you to work with him to the point it is making you ill, perhaps you can look into working elsewhere? And don't tell him where you are going. No Contact has been the best thing ever for me!
Apr 2 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Passive aggresive...

In hindsight, this is absolutely fitting. He is and remains passive aggressive. For example, I told him that I would not hang out with him and out interaction should remain a professional one and nothing else. He has not called me since. This is a person that was at my office everyday and always appeared to be concerned about whether I ate, was I stressed about work, if so, was there anything that he could take off my desk? To date, I still do not know what he was getting in return. He is dating others and was not even trying to get back with me so I took as “caring” for me. Too many uncertainties with this person and yes, I am already looking for a new job. I am going to relocate one last time and loose all contact with him. In the meantime, I will use your technique while interacting with him. I’ve tried in the past to think of him as an “it” and it has helped keeping things in perspective. I like your method better. You are a sweetheart for taking the time to leave me a message and for caring.
Apr 2 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

passive aggressive

PAPD was taken out of the DSMV a few years ago and folded into NPD. http://passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html that's how I found out about Narcissism... while investigating PAPD ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Apr 3 - 6PM (Reply to #13)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Thanks for the link Barbara...

I better understand the passive agressive personality. I'm a bit confused now...so he can be an N, passive agressive? I know that Ns can not be cured but according to the link you sent me, a PA person may be cured?
Apr 3 - 8PM (Reply to #14)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

link

pass-aggressive BEHAVIOR can be managed... Narcs are often P-A as well... and THAT can NOT be cured... and PAPD could NOT be cured either. PAPD is no longer a diagnosis - it is part of NPD now ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Apr 10 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Question of the day...

Why is he hanging around? He does not want a relationship with me obvious by his dating other females and making it known to me that he is. Why then does he continue to want to be around me. His words are that life is not "happy" without even if that is only as someone who is in my life and not necessarily in a relationship. I no longer have strong feelings for him specialy since I realized that he is an "it" and not a human being so feel free to answer my question without worry that it may hurt me. Just trying to figure out the "angle."
Apr 24 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Why does he hang around?

Funny I noticed too that Introspection's & Loveofmyulife's stories were so similar. Why? Well, who knows. But, what I have found really helpful is "object relations theory" which is one of many psychological theories which helps understand narcissism. An intimate partner becomes the N's "self-object" just like a child's blanket. When the child is away from home, & gets a little stressed, he clutches the blanket & it reminds him of mother, brother, home & safety. It reminds the child of who & what he is, grounds him when he is away from mom from whom he is detaching with at appropriate developmental stages. The intimate partner of these Ns becomes the "self-object." You belong to him just like the blanket & you are an object. Their object & they are entitled to extract from you just like a child extracts from the mother & takes the mother entirely for granted. But, if the mother says no, how many times does the child scream--I hate you & throw a temper tantrum to get his way. This is the love - hate relationship. They don't want you but if you try to leave they freak out. Just like mommy leaving that grocery store when he's weeping on the floor about a candy bar. He jumps up, forgets the candy bar, & runs after his mother. These are very sick puppies. Three year olds in many ways. But they have healthy components of their personalities which we first bond with & which the people at work see--but, once you are really in with them--"self-object" time. Not everybody is a self-object, therefore, they can be seemingly normal with superficial relationships. Healthy love is called "object love." Where the beloved is seen as a separate being. But there is a give & take & an mutual enrichment. But, once you are a "self-object" you can never go back to the time when he was a seemingly normal & nice guy. You will never be a friend or an acquaintance who can enjoy the normal & healthy parts of his personality like all those supperficial acquaintances. Once you are incorporated into his self--once you belong to him--always. They come back because they need you somehow to function. Just like mommy in the background for an adolescent. Anyhow--Object Relations Theory. Very useful to read all about this. I found it very helpful. Gave a language to explain so much that I felt but could not articulate.
Apr 25 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Self-Object Theory...

I read your feedback last night and I took some time to consider before replying. Here is my conclusion, I don't think he needs me to "get grounded or to function" which is the crux of the self-object theory if I interpreted it correctly. He is arrogant and thinks that there is nobody smarter than him. I think that when he moved 2000 away from home, it was for career advancement and had really nothing to do with me. I'm certain that when I disappear from his life, he will not miss me. When I joined this forum, I wasn't really sure he was an N. I've been reading a lot about Ns and other screwed up behaviors and find that my X has a lot of characteristics of a sociopath. Wounded posted a link last week on the message board under the title Who Needs Some Validation Today? The poster’s username is Gewissenlos. I better understand the sociopath mind after reading a lot of his responses to questions others asked him. He explains in detail that he lacks “empathy” (the precursor of love as his defines it) and when his gf (whoever that happens to be) is emotionally hurt, he lacks the empathy to understand so he is indifferent and to a point, his gf’s behavior becomes a source of irritation. Many of us victims can certainly identify with this statement, we were HURT, they LEFT. I particularly found Gewissenlos response to one of the posters question very enlightening so I copied it below: "Your story is exactly like someone I was involved with. You sound very charming, well educated, cunning and self assured. I say self assured, but in a self diluted sort of way. While you may think you are able to control and manipulate other people, you don't realize you are a dead give away! Did it ever occur to you that other people just keep what they know about you to themselves? They go along enjoying your silly games to just use you too. You are never as sly as you think you are, and that's why nothing ever lasts long for you. The only happiness you seem to have is based on the image you have of yourself, and even that is false. I think deep down you want something else. Am a right?" Response from Gewissenlos: It's why I change my associations frequently. Those who are around me for long enough invariably recognize me for what I am. I am aware that there are quite a few people who know who I am, who even spread this among themselves and it makes me a little uncomfortable to say the least. I am a user but I am also used. I would say that others use me more than I use them. (Yet, I am the bad person?) I do want something else but what that is ... is for me alone. I think your assessment is, for the most part, correct. It fell just short of identifying what it is that constitutes my relationship to this world: I worship myself." The similarities between Gewissenlos and my X are eerie. To summarize, I think that my x is currently using me for company, to advance his career, and for association reasons. Either way Agnes, it’s all the same…they are in a different world than ours! Nevertheless, I intend to keep the "object-self" theory open and continue to compare his behavior against it and other theories until I figure out his thought process so that when he is "at work" I know the translation/meaning of his words : - ). Thank you for reading my post Agnes and taking the time to write your feedback. Reading other poster's point of view to my story really helps in the healing process.
Apr 25 - 11AM (Reply to #24)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

I'm having trouble figuring

I'm having trouble figuring out just what the hell my guy is as well...I def. know he is narcissistic and mine exhibits qualities of a sociopath as well. I'm a firm believer of things being able to evolve...so it wouldn't surprise me that s/p/n's coud have characteristics that bleed into each other or have qualities that they even hide and no one ever knows...
Apr 25 - 11AM (Reply to #25)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

But that little explanantion

But that little explanantion let me know that they can be very aware of what they are and what they do...even if they are not clinically diagnosed they still can be very aware that there is something wrong/missing/not normal with them
Apr 25 - 12PM (Reply to #26)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Woundedsoul...

Several "illed-minded" folks piped in during the discussion and had their say. An overwhelming number of them admitted to knowing that they knew they were screwed-up and cover their illness so that normal people won't notice. In fact, some even go to the extent of saying that "keeping it under cover" is so tedious, they often have to "take breaks" and go into isolation to recharge. My best friend was married to an extreme sociopath and he used to "shut himself down" and even kick her out of their bedroom and she had to sleep in the guest bedroom. The last time he closed down, it went over a year and she decided to end their 11 year marriage. I know that they KNOW that they are broken but as Gewissenlos stated, they need "people" to feed their ego. We are the "people" they use.
Apr 25 - 12PM (Reply to #27)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

EXACTLY!! I do not want to

EXACTLY!! I do not want to post things from Sociopaths as alot of women are trying to heal from things that they have said and can be viewed as reminders BUT I felt that explanation was almost a true confession and very rare(for some of us it will be the closest thing that we ever get to the words actually coming out of our N's mouth)...it validated everything i know to be true and everything I have read thus far about them. It also helped me to realize that my N moved on because he felt his gig was up after three years...that i just "wouldn't be his perfect" love..that I just could not be his fembot that never questioned, never defied, never talked back, never got mad...and it exhausted him. I think he stayed with me the longest. I have found some other great sites, but realized that i am no longer allowed to post stories from other site and a permanent spam filter has been added to this site which has prompted me to start my own blog. i'm glad you were able to get out of it what i also thought was important to get out of it...
Apr 25 - 12PM (Reply to #28)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

woundedsoul

Can you point me to where this part was "that i just "wouldn't be his perfect" love..that I just could not be his fembot that never questioned, never defied, never talked back, never got mad...and it exhausted him. I think he stayed with me the longest." I'd like to read those words. This is what I think happened to me. The day that I started asking him "you told me you were in a committed relationship, but I saw you on a date" "you have led me on in all of these ways...what do I really mean to you?" That is the same day that he started devaluing me to others that he had known a long time. I think that is the actual point he gave up on me being his "perfect love" and moved emotionally. Because I started questioning. And to followup on someone else's post here...(can't remember which post), I think the relationship with his fake "GF" works because she accepts being at arms length from him and does not question where he is and what he is doing. Like someone else said - I think it was "proof of the pudding", the current fake GF is more dim and seems to just let all of that mysterious disappearance time go without asking. That is probably a perfect situation for the N. Unconditional trust... and no questioning.
Apr 25 - 12PM (Reply to #29)
woundedsoul36
woundedsoul36's picture

"that i just "wouldn't be

"that i just "wouldn't be his perfect" love..that I just could not be his fembot that never questioned, never defied, never talked back, never got mad...and it exhausted him. I think he stayed with me the longest." I'd like to read those words. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ those were my words and deductions pertaining to my experience with my N. As soon as he knew he had me..he was golden. But if I ever questioned him or "disobeyed" my role...he would push me away and devalue me. I felt it to be a cruel, cruel, punishment meant to make me feel so horrible as to not do it again. But in a normal relationship..."it's my way or the highway" just doesn't fly..I've been in a healthy relationships so after awhile..I just could not deny my feelings that something was seriously wrong here-with him. Ive been with men that want to be with me, that enjoy slow, loving sex, that liked to hold me hand in public, that valued my opinion, that didnt try to suck every last dime out of me...but he confused me with his back and forth, push/pull game. i never fathomed that someone would ever "pretend" in that fashion for ulterior motives...My N always said he was looking for that perfect love..and i believe in his twisted mind, his "perfect love' consisted of a woman who was just a "Stepford Wife" a trophy for the world to see him as fabulous..a Betty Draper..someone who loved him, nutured him and was ok with never getting the same thing reciprocated back...someone he could keep at arms length that wouldn't care that he was a "part time lover". I was only something he could get NS out of, money, and would look fabulous holding onto his arm at the club
Apr 25 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

"Its my way or the highway"

yep, the only one who has done this to me in my life is N. Yes, pushed away and devalued when I did anything slightly out of line with the role he defined for me. If I asked him questions about a negotiation he was having (that impacted me)....if he felt that I should not even ask a question about it, he would devalue me for it, turn a cold shoulder and shut me out. Its crazy. The slightest little things that aren't in line with the way they want it. Funny too, "I've been with men who want to be with me". ..... last summer my N started viscously accusing me of being a "control freak" in front of everyone....friends that have known me for a lifetime. He said it in front of a friend I've known for 30 years and the friend responded "well aren't we all to some degree". I asked my husband when I came home about it "do you think I'm a control freak?" He responded so lovingly... "look you run a company. You are in control. You are just tenacious and just know how to get things done." What a contrast to N who was just destroying me coldly day in and day out about it. Yes, the push/pull is awful.. And yes, my N is looking for perfect love. And one that could be at arms length as you say.
Apr 24 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

agnes

This was very helpful! Wow. yes, i can tell that I will never be treated the same - and I think it is because we got so close and I do feel like he views me as an extension of himself. and the mommy analogy is funny, because he sends me mother's day cards every year (but not bday cards) and one time he "jokingly" told me that the only people who have loved him unconditionally in his life were me and his mom! So maybe he does view me as his madonna mom. Not everybody is a self-object, therefore, they can be seemingly normal with superficial relationships. Wow - I can see this. He will send a very nice and polite email to someone he barely knows which is just so kind....5 minutes later a cold, hateful one to me. He will never treat me normal again - I can feel that.
Apr 11 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Introspection

My N is confusing me the same way yours is. He tells me he wants no personal relationship, only a business one. He dates lots of people.... but he still calls me all the time, emails me, and stops by at work. He acts unbelievably caring and helpful one day and then unbelievably cold and hurtful the next. He knows I love him and that this is just messing with my mind. I think, as Barbara says, it is just supply. At one time they held us in high regard and really enjoyed our company. We are probably comfortable to them, they probably still enjoy being with us....and needs lots and lots of supply in their lives to keep themselves fulfilled. They don't really think about the impact it has on us emotionally. Sounds like you have been able to distance yourself emotionally better than I ahve at this point. But it is confusing and sends lots of mixed messages. And what people on this board have said, breakups with Ns are not normal - far from it! When I think of my breakup from my 4 year college boyfriend, it was fairly clean and normal and respectful. We both still loved eachother quite a bit (we considered eachother best friends and soulmates), but religious family differences was an issue that wasn't going away. So one night we broke up, decided that since we both still cared for eachother alot that we both should have no contact because it would only make it difficult for each of us to fully commit to someone else. We maybe broke the no contact 3 - 4 times over the last 30 years, but there have never been any mind games and the reason for the NC break was a very valid one and there was no trying to mess with anyone's mind or current relationships. But the N breakup is much, much different.....head games are unbelievable!
Apr 13 - 8PM (Reply to #18)
Introspection
Introspection's picture

Hello Loveofmylife

I've read your story sometime ago and agree that there are a lot of similarities. As you mentioned, I've been more successful then you have in creating that distance between us. It helps that our break-up was 3 years ago and that I continue to "tell" myself repeatedly that "it" does not love me. It also helps to know that "it" needs me more then I need him and this fact is empowering. I understand that when "it" is going out of his way to please me that what "it" seeks is attention from me; I'm the backup plan in case all else fails and knowing this fact really brings me back to reality. Like you I still love "it" so I am going to get away from "it" so that he is unable to find me anymore. Once "it" is out of my life I should be able to resume without a problem. My heart really goes out to you and wish there was a way I could help. You must be VERY determined that you WANT your "it" out of your life. The longer to hold on to the memories, the longer it'll take you to recover. Do whatever you have to do to break away from your "it." I know that I'm damaged goods but life by myself is better than life with my "it." When he was in my life, I was always anxious and seeking "its" approval. I don't know about you but I will never be able to forgive him for kicking me to the curve when I was REALLY battling for my life. There was a period following our breakup when I was physically ill and unable to eat, sleep or stop crying. "IT" was out dating!!! Knowing that I will never be able to forgive "it" pretty much seals the deal for me and perhaps why you note in my story that I am at a point where I have successfully distanced myself. I think the reason why I sometimes miss "it" is that like most women, "I am hopelessly romantic." Hey, we women grow up fantasinng about the ONE that will come into our lives to take care of us, love us and treat us like a princess. This is the "fantasy" that the Ns or the "its" as I like to call them, capitalize on. I will be praying for you that you loose all "HOPE" that he will one day change and you will be able to live with him happily ever after. I was STUBORN about loosing HOPE and trust me, no matter how many times I denied all HOPE, it lived in my heart. I had to walk our relationship to its "logical conclusion." The way to do it is picture him returning to you on his knees, begging that you love him and be with him forever; WOULD YOU? I'm hoping your response it HELL NO. If it isn't, keep working on repeading the words out loud as often as possible...HE DOES NOT LOVE ME!!! Many, many (((HUGS))) sweetheart and keep us posted. I do follow your story and although I may not always reply, you are still in my prayers. Stay strong! I have posted a copy of this reply under your story so that you won't miss it.
Apr 22 - 12AM (Reply to #19)
azucar
azucar's picture

One more list may help

Intropsection, I realize you posted this a while ago, but if you find yourself, during a bad say thinking about the N, and how you still love "it". This is something I do, maybe it will help? I wrote down a list about what love and miss about my N, I wrote it all down, even if its past tense (something he used to do, but not towards the end of the relationship). It suprised you that there is not much of substance there, especially when it comes to how he treats you. In other words I missed the things that we did the superficial things we did on a dialy basis, the companionship. These are wonderful things, but given time and space I am sure I could have similiar wonderful experiences with a future partner. But my list was very low on him demonstrating love, affection, acceptance and understanding for me. For me its just another reminder that the things I thought I loved about him were not real, as he was just acting for me (hence all the superfical nicities-like you said reading a book about how to be around you). I keep it close, also when I need to remember why I have to let go of my love...its not easy. I still pve my N on some level...but reminding myself again and again that there is nothing so special about him except that he's the first N I've encountered helps.