Happy1's Story

I know exactly how you feel. You cannot make yourself stop obsessing about him, even though your children are desperate for you. I have not bought groceries for almost a year. It doesn't even occur to me. In the morning, my daughters say, "We're hungy." I take them to the convenience store for granola bars. At night they say, "We're hungry" and I take them out to dinnner. In between they say, "We're hungry; we're thirsty." And I say, "some water. There's nothing else." There's a tiny voice, far, far away in my head yelling,"Your daughters have no food," but I can't spend a drop of attention listening to it. I'm too busy wondering what HE is doing, where he is, who he is talking to, if he is thinking about me, when he is coming home, if he is going to stop at a girlfriend's house on the way, what he's having for dinner, what he's wearing. The scariest thing is having gotten to the point where I thought I was going to end up in jail or with my children taken away because I couldn't stop yellling at him in the street, hitting him, texting him begging him to explain himself to me. I literally felt like I had completely lost control of myself and I was so scared. I've only been no contact for a few days, but I feel a little of my own power back already. I don't know what's going to happen, but I am at least loving my daughters. I still haven't been to the store, but I am starting to pay some attention to them.

Smile please :) i felt the same i also imagined what i will loose if i finish it, every of us does. He is never going to have great life, because he can not love, he doesn't have real friends, his life is fake. I know you lost control over yourself, and is very very terrible situation i was in this situation too. And i will tell you it feels so much better after few months when i really feel like i am getting control over my life back. I am so much happier. Before i was sick every month i thought sth was with my immunity system. After i moved out of him on the beginning of January i haven't been sick even once. Now i know it was because of him , because this constant stress. I know about thoughts and feelings - i felt same - my mind was telling me he is not the right one,that he treats me bad and my feelings were telling me that i love him, that he is a good person just can not show it, and that my life without him will be a disaster. All this happens because they are great manipulators. I don't feel a need to contact my exN anymore, and each his contact makes me sick. I want him to live happily his life and enjoy it fully as long as he is far away from me. Because i finally understood i am the most important person from us both. And i know you and your son should be most important. So do not give up please. Stay with us on this forum and read read read :) I hope it will also help you!

You are in the place where so many of us had wished we had done things differently. We know now that we could have saved ourselves so many years of damage and things we can never replace like the time lost with our children if we had just listened to our brains and not our heart. Do as Barbara has said and read read read, this site and Sandra Brown's site. He has already crossed a serious boundary. A worthwhile man who is in love does not use an insignificant argument as an excuse to f**k another woman. A decent man who loves you is as interested in making amends to the relationship as you are. The narcissist however was planning to orchestrate that insignificant argument all day or even all week because he had somewhere else and someone else he needed to get to. As i said in 'my story' i'm not sure i would've listened or accepted the truths here because i wanted that love that had been the center of my world for so long and i was willing to do whatever to fight for it, but there is no good outcome for you. I suffered so much in the early years over knowing he was with someone else even though i could never prove it well enough. My heart was in a constant battle with my brain that was telling me to get out for my own good. The fact was that my N was with others from the very beginning. While i was home with my young children he had his Tue/Thurs/Sun regular, his once or twice a week regular and who knows what else. He had kept them for years. He also had a half a dozen others that he just pursued and toyed with. I had access to his cell phone records, i saw the sick games he was playing all day with multiple other women. When i began to catch on to the fact that there were other men involved as well, he got a secret second phone. I can't say how much i wished i had listened to all my instincts and had my one big heartbreak early on and been done with it before he had wasted so much of my life and cost me so much. Instead i had continuous heartbreak and confusion. I was driven to the point of being suicidal because i thought i would never be free of his mental hold over me. When i was trying to end things and completely broken hearted he would never let up. While he was having all of his he made sure that there would be no one in my life. What man would ever want to get involved with someone who was being endlessly stalked by another man? He would call continuously at 2 in the morning and again at 7 am on the weekends to ward off anyone that might be with me. I felt that i could never escape him. The fact is that the truth is never that elusive in a real relationship. It is not necessary to spend years searching for it. Recognizing this in light of the intense love you feel is extremely difficult. Recognizing this in the intense pain you feel from the absence is extremely difficult. But the fact is that you can cut your losses early or you can suffer endlessly for years until you lose everything and it's all over anyway. I eventually became somewhat numb to the images of his being with someone else because he had been with so many others that it just wasn't as painful anymore. How sad is that? It is just as sad as going through years of thinking "well at least I'm number one amongst the crowd". Is this love? Not by any standards. Good luck to you. I feel for you if you continue to stay in the relationship. I spent many wasted years back and forth. I lost years with my children that can never be replaced trying to be in place for him so that he wouldn't be with someone else. It made no difference, he was always with someone else. Your man has already shown his true colors don't ignore it hoping for something different because it only gets much worse.