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  5. Dumped for the 4th (Continued...)

Dumped for the 4th (Continued...)

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#1 Jul 6 - 9AM
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

Dumped for the 4th (Continued...)

Ok, so I'm not exactly proud of what I'm about to say, but it is what it is. When my N got home from his weekend Vegas getaway, I hopped right in my car and drove to his house. He hadn't slept in almost 2 days, so he was a dud to say the least. He was too tired to get off the sofa, so I went and got us dinner. I woke him up in time for us to go see fireworks, and then we went straight to bed.

Monday, we got up and watched Good Will Hunting. During all the scenes that involved Matt Damon fighting it out with his psychologist or his love interest, my N had tears rolling down his face. I thought that was interesting. Anyways, so then we headed out to have lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant. I was asking him questions about his trip, how it went, etc., and he told me that he is going to start going there more often... possibly once a month. Now, mind you, he already goes to Shreveport, LA once a month to gamble. I'm not a gambler, and I really would prefer that he not gamble, but I understand it's something he enjoys doing. I just think it's more of a compulsive-addictive thing for him, which is what worries me. Anyways, after saying "So... you're going to be leaving for gambling trips "twice" a month now?," he got defensive, and said (rather loudly)... "Hey, I like gambling just as much as you like McDonald's." I just sat there with my jaw dropped. Then he says (remember my weight post? this is a touchy subject with me)... "I mean, what are you going to do? Get as big as a house?" "And, I have a big problem with you... when I ask you to step on the scale and you refuse... that pisses me off. If you want to be with ME, you need to understand that when I ask to weigh you, you better get on that scale. I need to know if you're maintaining or growing at exponential speed." At that moment, the waiter brought our order to the table. Perfect timing. There was no way in hell I was going to eat after those comments. So my N goes, "are you going to eat or just sit there?" When I told him I didn't want to eat, he called for our check and we walked out.

Now here's the part I AM proud of... On the way home, we didn't speak. When we got to his house, he plopped down on the couch and I marched straight to the bedroom to get my overnight bags. When I walked in the living room he said, "what are you doing?" I said, "I can't take this anymore... I can't do it. I'm leaving." After I got all my stuff in my car, I walked back in and proceeded to tell him for 30 minutes exactly what I thought about all the shit he's done to me. He actually looked a little stunned. We argued for a bit, and then he got up to hug me. When I started to walk out the door, I said, "your key and garage remote are on the kitchen counter." He gazed over there and again, had a stunned look on his face. I got in my car and drove away. That was that.

When I got home, I freaked out. I thought, "Oh my God, WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I can't go back! What if I want to go back?!" All these crazy thoughts were running through my head and I think I pretty much had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe. This morning, I just feel sick to my stomach. Why do I feel so badly about this? I know I did the right thing. But part of me just wants to call him and apologize and try to work things out. But I know that's crazy talk. I just can't stop the thoughts!!!!

Your comments would be GREATLY appreciated... I feel lost :(

Jul 7 - 11AM
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

The Letter...

... is almost ready. I can't believe how GOOD it feels writing it.
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #30)
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

Here It Is...

Dear "N", Today, I am saying “goodbye” to you. I don’t know why it took so long for me to utter that seemingly simple word, but trust me… I have said it with absolute certainty. Starting today, I will no longer subject myself to your disrespect, abuse, manipulation and control. I know you like to parade yourself as a “good person.” And that “you know it, and everyone around you knows it also.” Yeah, I remember exactly what you say. But, just because you “say” things doesn’t make them true. Truth is reflected in your actions, not your petty words. Speaking of actions… yours were seriously lacking in our relationship. Now, hang on a second… I know you’re thinking of all the “nice” things you’ve done for me. And I won’t deny that you did. Thank you for taking care of my car (buying me new brakes, changing my oil, making sure my tires had enough air). Thank you for moving me out of my apartment. Thank you for letting me live rent and expense free in your home for 5 months. Thank you for building a door to keep my cats safe upstairs, away from your pit bull. Thank you for the gifts you gave me. And, mostly, thank you for all the good times we had. My best memory was the day you took me to the circus and we had bloody mary’s at the Hard Rock Café. That day was perfect, and I will never forget it. But deep down, you know you’re NOT that great of a person. It’s mostly a façade. Sure, you have lots of friends and family that think the world of you… but, can you give me the name of just one of those people that don’t use you? That don’t benefit in some way from their relationship with you? I’ve given it serious thought, and can’t think of any. Now… me? You could argue I “benefited from our relationship.” But, I truly loved you. I thought I could help you be a better person. I thought if I just loved you enough, you would change. I sacrificed practically everything for you. Silly me. I could give a shit that you don’t like my family and friends. Guess what? THEY DON’T LIKE YOU. No one in my camp ever has. In fact, I was warned about you, by not only my father and mother, but by any of my friends that met or heard of you. Do you know that when we went to visit my friend in Shreveport, her husband (who only spent 20 minutes with you), told her that he didn’t think you would make me a priority? That you were too into yourself and partying/gambling? He told her I deserved to have someone treat me well. To them, you were transparent. I just didn’t see. You always told me how I “didn’t see you.” I suppose that was true. However, now I do, and I can finally join in and say I don’t love you anymore. I don’t even like you. I should have left you when you got drunk the first night we took my mother out to dinner. I should have left you when you humiliated me over eating M&M’s. I should have left when you fired my .45 in the house that night. I should have left you when you threw martini glasses and barstools. I should have left you when you threw my iPod in my food. Shall I continue? Just so you know, I have a list of 60+ things that I should have “left you” over. Think about it. You should remember. You always called me selfish. Perhaps I am in some ways. You’re the one that does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and doesn’t care what anybody thinks about it… especially me. I think THAT sounds pretty selfish. I always got your opinion on everything, because I actually CARED how you felt. Now, I realize it was demanded of me. You always liked to refer to “the two-way street.” That two-way street was just a fantasy that you concocted in your mind. I never had the same “rules” as you. You’re a hypocrite. You need help. I know you’ll “never accept help from anyone,” but you need to take a long look in the mirror. You’re an alcoholic. You’re a prescription drug addict. You have a gambling problem. You have bad morals. You’re lazy. You have anger management issues. You’re obnoxious. You suffer from depression. You’re a racist. And… you have a personality disorder. You’re a narcissist. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. You caused me to compromise my entire belief system. You tried to make me believe the way I was raised was wrong. You made me not trust myself or my judgment anymore. You isolated me from my coworkers, friends and family. You caused me to regain my weight. You made me lose my entire concept of who I am as a person. Fuck you. I’m sure by now you’ve already called your ex, and I’m sure she’s panting like a dog just hoping you’ll let her back in. Although it saddens me, more power to her. She knows what she’s in for. Perhaps you two are perfect for each other… for awhile, at least. What I do know is that relationship will end, as will every other relationship you lure some unsuspecting woman into. You will never change. Remember telling me those exact words within the first week of us dating? I do. As for me, I am capable of change. And the beauty of all this is that I am finally free TO change. And I will. I am free of you. I will lose this weight that you so love to throw in my face… I will one day find a relationship with someone that actually loves me… I will be successful in my career… and most importantly, I will be happy. I deserve it. Enjoy your booze, Xanax, porn, gambling trips and your new source of narcissistic supply. I’m so glad it’s no longer me. Best Wishes, Rhiannon
Jul 7 - 7PM (Reply to #39)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Great letter!

Wow! That's powerful! Good job!
Jul 7 - 7PM (Reply to #38)
Allie
Allie's picture

This letter is awesome!!

I have been away for a few days and just read your letter, wow! Very well thought out and written :) You have a great memory for every crappy N thing he did to you and I think that is SO necessary to strengthening your resolve. He sounds like a real jerk, a true N, and he doesn't deserve you or your love :)

http://bink-think.livejournal.com

Jul 7 - 3PM (Reply to #37)
Steph
Steph's picture

Freakin awesome, Rhiannon!!

Freakin awesome, Rhiannon!! Love it. Thanks for sharing it with us. That letter came from STRENGTH. I bet just writing it, you gained a little piece of yourself back. And everytime you read it from now on and follow no contact, you will gain even more of yourself back:) I am smiling big for you. You're one tough cookie! xoxo
Jul 7 - 3PM (Reply to #36)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Rhiannon

Nicely done! I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself the way you did in your letter to him. You needed to get that off your chest. I recommend writing a letter to yourself now as if it were coming from him. It should include everything you ever wanted to hear him say to you. In my opinion, they will NEVER give us closure, but we can give ourselves closure by doing this exercise. Now that you have written a letter to him getting everything off your chest, write a letter to yourself as if you were him and you were writing to apologize to you. Once you are done writing it, have someone read this aloud to you. Don't be afraid to cry. It's part of the exercise.
Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #35)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Excellent!

Great letter, more power to you Rhiannon. I think it's to be expected that you'd cry looking at this...if your best friend was writing this about her experience it would be heartbreaking wouldn't it, to see how she'd been treated? And now you're looking in black and white at just what he's done to you. Cry it out, you deserve your compassion. Ninja's point about having a setback after writing a letter like this is a good one, but sounds like you've got strong resolve, some anger and you know you have support here in case you need to be reminded what a big weenie this guy is. Your future just got brighter :)
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #34)
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

I didn't cry writing this...

I didn't cry writing this... but, every time I read it I do.
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #32)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I'm so proud of you!!

That letter reflects a lot of strength. Too bad he won't get a chance to see it. But what's important is that YOU keep reading it. Now, don't contact him. I had sort of a backlash after writing a similar letter where I was later taken by guilt because of what I had written, but I was able to realize that it was only because I wasn't used to writing anything negative about him. If you start to feel weak or like you want to contact him, please just come here instead. Or read the list of suggestions I gave you yesterday. Or ask Lisa for my email address. I even asked my best friend (who's probably going to become my boyfriend again at some point once I'm past this) if he'd talk to you if you wanted, and he agreed. He's really good at helping people. He's very kind and considerate. But for now I want you to remain strong. Your narc is a complete loser, and I still want to punch him. Love, ~NinjaGirl
Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #33)
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

Thanks, Ninja :) I won't

Thanks, Ninja :) I won't contact him... and if he contacts me I WILL NOT respond. NC. If I have a weak moment (which I suspect I will), I'll definitely take your advice. You're so sweet... thanks so much for your support.
Jul 7 - 1PM (Reply to #31)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Wow! I am so proud of you!

Wow! I am so proud of you! Now dont answer any phone calls or anything! NC!

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 7 - 11AM (Reply to #29)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Rhiannon

Good, it is so healing to write, isn't it?! The first step of the Relationship Recovery Program we are in the process of creating will be to: 1) Get it Out This is where we will use this messageboard to talk about it and then use the group meetings to read our two letters out loud. The two letters are: a) Letter from you to him, which includes everything you want him to know. b) Letter from him to you, which includes everything you want to hear from him. Again, any ideas for naming these letters are welcome! Here's the rest of the steps as they stand right now. Again, this is a work in progress and is something I want all of us to contribute to and develop in our meetings. The new website will have these 8 steps listed as well as resources for each one. 1) Get it Out 2) Understand it 3) Accept it 4) No Contact 5) Find an Outlet for Anger 6) Let Go of Pain & Regret 7) Face Fear 8) Thrive
Jul 7 - 11AM (Reply to #28)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Awesome

Hurry up, girl! I want to read it.
Jul 6 - 5PM
Qing Yuan
Qing Yuan's picture

I just wana say! He sounds

I just wana say! He sounds like such a comete and total wa88er! You totally did the right thing! I couldn't belive it! The way he made you feel! In a restarant! I felt wat you wrote 100 percent! Nopne shud take the abuse you took! It's hideous! I just want to say well done for not just taking it! He expected you too! He was probably mildly shocked but even if he looked a little stunned it means nothing! He was prob just shocked u stood up for yourself! That's all! It's not cis he suddenly realised he was an ass! I waited for ten years for ex narc to realise he was wrong and itnever happened! I am sure still to this day he thinks he was a perfect demo-god! They just don't get being apprehended! It just makes them more mean later on! No stay away! If u go bak he will be worse! That's way they do! Prey and prey till u become wat they despise in you and they bank on that dynamic until u r mince meat! Don't let this dik of a bloke make your life into mince meat! He is digusting! X
Jul 6 - 4PM
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

Getting Nervous...

Work is almost over and I'm dreading going home. Dreading it because I'll be alone tonight, and if the strength it took me during the day today to not call him is any indicator of what it's going to be like tonight... I'm in big trouble. I feel so stressed out. I don't think I've ever felt such emotional distress in my life. It's like I want to just start screaming. Well, that probably makes me sound crazy... but it's what I feel like doing. Perhaps screaming in a pillow is an option. Does anyone have any tactics to share that help to NOT CALL? I know thinking of everything he's done should do the job, but I also know when I'm alone, it's almost like I feel like I HAVE TO call him. It's... comforting. I know that makes no sense. HELP!!!!
Jul 6 - 5PM (Reply to #17)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

Ok

-Post here, screaming my name, and I'll find a way to get you my phone number. Or just post here. -Go to the gym, or go for a walk outside. Once you've walked five miles and done 50 push-ups and 100 sit-ups, you can call him. -Go to the local humane society or local shelter and volunteer. -Go to the mall and get your ears pierced, your cartilage pierced, whatever. -Call anyone you love (and I'm SURE there are people who love and support you) and tell them that you're doing your best to get over him, but just need support. -Go to a church and speak with the pastor there, or pray, or just go somewhere far away from a phone and meditate. -Write a letter saying all the things you want to say to him. And then post it HERE. Don't send it to HIM. I'm not saying do ALL of these things, but I want you to do at least one of them to start, and then see how you feel.
Jul 6 - 11PM (Reply to #18)
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

Thanks for your response,

Thanks for your response, Ninja. It means a lot to me... really. Unfortunately, my N called me on my way home from work (before I read your post). This was our conversation... We had maybe 20 seconds of small talk, and then he says, "Did you go to McDonald's today?" I said, "WHAT?" He said, "You heard me... did you go to McDonald's today? I mean, that's something I need to know; if you're going to quiz me about my gambling, I'll quiz you about what you're eating." I made some comment about those two things not being equal whatsoever, and he thought I said the word "inflate" instead of "equate." So, I corrected him and he said, "well, it doesn't matter... I heard "inflate" and that's you." Again, I said, "WHAT?" And he says, "you know... it means it gets bigger... just like you." Then he says, "Do you want me to continue being a dick?" I said, "Why would I want you to be a dick?" He said, "Well, I'm not trying to be a dick." So I said, "Oh, you just ARE one, then?" Then he referred to once being called a heartless asshole, and I told him I knew exactly where that name came from... his ex. He paused... he was surprised I remembered this. Then, to change the subject I suppose, he said, "Did you weigh yourself today?" I said, "no." And he said, "Well, when you decide you can get on on the scale and weigh yourself in front of me, then give me a call." I just said "ok." He acted a little weird; I guess he was expecting more of a response out of me. He said... "What?" And I just said... "I said OK." Then I said "goodbye." THE END. That did it for me. I'm done. He hasn't called back tonight and I haven't called him. Screw him. I'm not letting him put me down ever again. What a sorry piece of shit. I AM going to take your advice and write him a letter. I like to write. I'll be sure to post it here when I'm done :)
Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #25)
rainbow1
rainbow1's picture

Yes the weight thing

I am still trained in my head to exercise EVERYDAY! My room mates and everyone tells me to take a break and relax but I still do it before bed. I am 5'3 and weigh 120 lbs (thats not big!) but I still feel like there is another goal that I need to reach! But if he had me "weigh in" I would be humiliated and I am sure that I would be WAY worse than I already am with eating and exercising. I am so sorry you went through that.

_______________________________________________
"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #24)
Used
Used's picture

WEIGHT

i too put on alot of weight on a good day he would say you look like a f,,,ing egg on legs, then buy me a load of goodies to keep me fat[18stone i then weighd] and you are what you eat and show me various pictures of what he said i looked like i went on a diet[he said you will never stick to it] i lost 10stone, and then kicked him out, thereby losing another 14stone[his weight] you do what you want not he wants. good luck
Jul 7 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Perfect

You handled the call extremely well. But, this jerk is gonna be back. I'd NOT answer his calls. If he really harasses you, a restraining order, a new phone, whatever it takes. There is nothing more demeaning than this weight thing with this guy. I know my ex-N pulled this on the woman who followed me. So cruel. And, she was just a normal-sized woman.
Jul 7 - 8AM (Reply to #22)
ClusterF
ClusterF's picture

Awesome!

Now, any time you think of calling him or answering any contact whatsoever, decide right then and there if you are ready to weigh yourself in front of him. You gave yourself a huge gift by setting that ultimatum, by remembering EVERY TIME how toxic he is. Good for you!
Jul 7 - 8AM (Reply to #21)
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

OK, good

I'm sorry he called you, but it sounds like just the catalyst you need to get over his sorry ass. Please don't take anymore phone calls from him. If you have anything of his, send it back to him via the US Postal Service, POSTAGE DUE. I hope you don't have anything of yours at his place. If you do, and it's not significant to you, just leave it. I'm very proud of how you handled yourself, especially at the end, but I really don't think you should answer any more of his calls. He's continuing to be abusive. If he keeps it up, get a restraining order. I can't wait to read your letter to him here. I'm here for you no matter what, ok? We all are. I still want to beat his ass for you.
Jul 7 - 3AM (Reply to #20)
Steph
Steph's picture

rhiannon

You handled yourself well:) I am glad that you see he is a sorry peice of shit. He is an absolutely disgusting snake. Sick and twisted. Stay strong, honey, just like you have been:) And I'm glad you're taking Ninja's advice - writing a letter (unsent) is very therapeutic and I bet there is ALOT of toxic BS from him that you could purge yourself of. Thinking of you:) xoxo
Jul 7 - 3AM (Reply to #19)
ewa
ewa's picture

Rhiannon please please do

Rhiannon please please do not answer his calls! He is such a shithead. He is just terrible person. How can he say to you that you are getting bigger? It looks to me he that this is his way to torture you. Just go NC and save yourself. There so many nice man out there, get rid of this dick. Yes he is a dick, he does not act like one but he is one. Oh i get so upset when i read how he treats you :(!!!
Jul 6 - 4PM
ewa
ewa's picture

When i am reading what you

When i am reading what you wrote it really brings all the memories back. I really wish that i would taken this opportunity and left him much earlier. You made this step now the best for you is if you stick to this. Please do not go back to him. It will never be good with him, there is no such a possibility. He has no respect for you. Do you really want to hang out with this man? Think of yourself and make the step towards normal life. He makes you feel sick! You do not deserve it. Please do not apologize, there was non of your flout. Mine N went to the business trip sometimes every month for a week, or even more often (to his home country). Nobody in our company goes to the BTs so often. But I found out he was going there because he had few gfs he was meeting in that city. I do not know if this is about another woman or gambling - but did he asked about your opinion? No, he would not even think of it. And then he brought the weight subject again to hurt you and manipulate you. It is so awful. Please go NC. Get rid of him from your life. Really trust me with time you will see everything differently.
Jul 6 - 1PM
herlatestvictim
herlatestvictim's picture

Stay strong! You did the right thing...

and if you slip and fall back, get up and walk away again. You deserve better. We are all dealing with emotional cripples who are UNABLE to LOVE or BE HONEST. They cannot change. Power and control, that is what they are about. Abuse. Get away, try to keep away... there is no going back to the initial phase of "being in love"- it is part of their illness! Those days are over and it's nothing but pain and agony from here on out. Be strong! You deserve better. We all do.
Jul 6 - 1PM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

The step you took was long

The step you took was long over due. This guy is a complete and utter douche bag. Not one redeeming quality in his body. He will continue to belittle and abuse you ( read ambient abuse on the post) till you shrivel to nothingness. He has eroded your self worth and esteem so bad that you resorted to measures you would have under normal conditions would have never done. I have been here. I have despised myself for giving him power thru my supply. He will never stop. Only get worse in time. We can not see the real situation clearly while we are in it. But as time passes and the glasses come off, you will see if very clearly and what you find is shocking and unbelievable. I really hope you remain NC and give yourself a chance a having a real life. The life you so deserve. Take care sweety. xoxoxo

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Jul 6 - 12PM
NinjaGirl
NinjaGirl's picture

I sent what you wrote to my best friend

He knows all about this site and has read other things, and I've shown him my posts and comments and all that. I was SO angry that I told him about what happened to you. He's a guy, he's smart, he's wonderful, he's even got a psychology degree. Here's what he wrote, verbatim: "Wow, what an ASSHOLE! Seriously, the best thing she could've done was leave. I really hope she doesn't go back, that guy is a friggin' psycho." I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but my best friend, who is one of the most awesome people in the world, thinks you're way too good for this jerk. I agree with him.
Jul 6 - 1PM (Reply to #8)
rhiannon
rhiannon's picture

It does make me feel better,

It does make me feel better, thank you :) I know I did the right thing; I'm just surprised at how MUCH pain I'm in now. You would think I'd be thrilled. I also can't believe I'm having to fight the urge to pick up the damn phone and call him today. I'm hurt that he doesn't care enough to call me. But, then, after all he's done, I should know he never cared at all. I really appreciate your support :)
Jul 7 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
broken23
broken23's picture

rhiannon "youd think i would

rhiannon "youd think i would be thrilled". i struggled with this. why was i so sad to get rid of a physically and mentally abusive asshole. no, actually we are all human and we all grieve. this is the normal way. just because he is heartless doesnt mean it rubs off on us, just like our niceness/kindness doesnt rub off on them. Dont beat yourself up for caring or crying or wanting attention. This is normal. Just try not to act on it because the response is not what you ever think it will be. I pray for the day we are all numb to their actions! way to stick up for yourself. will be waiting to read your letter:)