and finally went to see a therapist after I learned the cold, hard truth about my N!
I cried, and still can if I let myself, like a wounded animal. Gut wrenching sobs. I could and DID start crying in random stores, parking lots... you name it.
I promise it will get better.
Nothing hurts more than the death of a dream. That's what you are losing, a dream, a fantasy.
In reality, you are losing nothing. They are nothing. They are not capable of giving you ANYTHING you need.
Mourn the dream but accept the reality. You are losing nothing.
...IS SO RIGHT.
You're losing nothing. You have yourself. You have everything. You just don't fully realize it yet.
We're grown-ups. We don't need that smoke and mirrors crap anymore. The love you feel is the love coming from YOU, not him. That's the love you're missing. Your own love.
Promise me that no matter how much it hurts, you won't contact him again. Believe me, I KNOW how much it hurts. About a week after we broke up, I had my first wave of feeling like I'd never be with him again. I literally was laying in my bed, and I screamed "NOOOOO!" and started crying like the world was over.
And then my grandma called me, said she had been thinking about me, and praying for me. She said she prayed to the Holy Spirit, and that I would feel a cool breeze blow over me and that was the Holy Spirit watching over me. She lives 120 miles away. Anyway, I had the window open, and a cool breeze did suddenly run over me. It was so weird.
Ok, I'm really digressing there. Anyway, my point is that my despair was so great that I honestly think I had reached my breaking point and might have considered suicide had she not contacted me.
That was only about a month and a half ago. I am doing SO much better now. I don't even think about him much anymore, because I'm too busy thinking about MYSELF and MY goals and MY plans and MY dreams.
Your selfish, stupid, asshole narc is on one side of a bridge over a deep chasm. You, a happy, healthy you, are on the other side. You're standing in the middle on that bridge. You can only pick one direction to go in. Who is ultimately more important to you? When you figure that out (and I know you already have), start walking in that direction, no matter how hard each step is, and don't even bother to turn around and look in the other direction.
When it gets hard, you come here and post, or contact a loved one, and we'll help you get across. And you WILL get across. And it DOES get easier. I know you don't know me, but please trust me on this one.
I pray for everyone here, even if they're not religious at all. I am praying for you to have strength.
Edited to add: Of course he hasn't called you. He expects you to call him. My grandma used to work in real estate (and she was really good at it) and knows a lot about people. Know what she said to me? "First person to speak loses."
Let him not calling you just make you more angry. Angry enough to NOT CARE about him anymore. Angry enough to not contact him because he's not worth it.
YOU love yourself. Who gives a f what he feels? For all we know, he has no feelings, except for himself.
I am so proud of you!!!
"I can't take this anymore... I can't do it. I'm leaving." After I got all my stuff in my car, I walked back in and proceeded to tell him for 30 minutes exactly what I thought about all the shit he's done to me. He actually looked a little stunned. We argued for a bit, and then he got up to hug me. When I started to walk out the door, I said, "your key and garage remote are on the kitchen counter." He gazed over there and again, had a stunned look on his face. I got in my car and drove away. That was that."
Good for you! You don't need to put up with his bs anymore. It only brings you down. Congrats for standing up to him and walking away! xoxo
No. You cannot go back. If you do, he will slaughter you.
His prize bitch-dog has just jumped over the backyard fence. Now, if he gets his bitch-dog back, he is going to build a bigger fence to keep her in.
So, in your case, being a woman & not a dog . . . well if his abuse kept you in line, but still you got away, if he gets you back, he's gonna have to escalate the abuse to keep you under better control to prevent you from escaping again.
Give yourself huge credit, congratulations for speaking your mind and following through on leaving. He's a piece of work. No one should ever, ever put up with the cruelty he was dishing out to you.
His attempt at diverting the conversation away from the monthly Vegas visits was classic.
Take things a minute at a time, you owe him nothing, no apologies and none of your time or energy.
I'm in a really pissy mood right now. Give me his address so I can go over there and beat his ass.
Ok, honestly, I'm proud of you for leaving. I thought the whole thing was a deal-breaker, but when you got to the McDonald's part, my jaw dropped. I would have taken my drink, thrown it in his face, taken a cab to his house, gotten my stuff, and left without explanation.
Seriously, what a JERK!! He makes mine look like a saint in comparison.
You were treated so horrendously that I'm shaking with rage on your behalf.
Please don't ever contact him again unless you have anything you need from him or vice versa. You do NOT deserve this treatment! You deserve so much better!!
It's ok to feel lost. We are all here to help you find your way:)
You did the right thing. I got a big smile on my face reading the part where you told him off and he looked stunned. Priceless. Be so proud of yourself for standing up to the controlling SOB!
Sounds like he is punishing you for not weighing yourself the other day - he gets to go to Vegas once a month now because you didn't do as he asked. What a childish bully.
It's not abnormal for you to have feelings of wanting him back, uncertain if you made the right choice etc. The bond we feel to an abuser is crazy. Read about "traumatic bonding" and "stockholm syndrome".
No contact is tough. It's very hard to leave an abusive relationship. You can do this. You have already shown great strength.
Read as much as you can about abusive relationships/narcissism. Educate yourself as much as possible. It helps pass time and gain perspective. It's so true that knowledge is power.
DO NOT feel sorry for him. Do not let his tears woo you. They are brilliant actors. It's meaningless. Trust me, he has NO compassion for you.
Someone once told me "If HE'S thinking of HIMSELF, and YOU'RE thinking of HIM....who the hell is thinking of YOU?!".
It's time to make it all about you now:)
Big hugs:) Keep posting:)
xoxo
Don't Fret over him!!!! Or at least try not to!!!!!
I had a very similiar recent experience. I am 20 days NC and LONG story short I had what I have been calling the "tipping point". He had left a handwritten letter with the rest of my belongings on the front door of my apt and in that letter these two lines set me off for the last time and threw me into a determined NC mode!!! And what did he write? He wrote to me "I do not want you to have any guilt or shame about me or us. And I want you to know that I think you are a wonderful person." And with that I turned right into an evil witch unlike ever before, marched over to the house, let myself in, found him slumped in a depression on the futon and proceeded to yell (have never stood up for myself like this before)that this was the last time that he was ever going to project onto me and blame me for our entire marriage/relationship. He projected onto me his shame and guilt and when I yelled that he was projecting that onto me and that I have NO shame or guilt thank you very much as I have done nothing but try and save this marriage/relationship while he has been sticking his d**k in another and pushing/pulling me, leading me on, mixed signals, critical, judgemental, controlling, manipulative, etc...I could go on and on...he actually had the audacity to say to me..."You don't have any shame or guilt?" And I yelled back..."I lay my head down on the pillow at night and fall to sleep MFer!!!" He did loosely admit that he was projecting and that he has a lot of shame and guilt stemming from childhood and I was like.....I could give a shit about your childhood what about with me MFer!!!!!!!!!!!! I ranted for about 15 minutes while he mostly sat there head in hands crying before he looked up at me and said...get this..."gigi9 you better leave cause I'm gonna lose it" and that is when I said..."you know what they call that you narcisstic prick? They call that a narcisstic rage...f**k you and do not ever call me again" And out the door I went having REALLY stood up for myself for the first time and I have not heard from him for 20 days (minus three texts he sent that night that I IGNORED!) and while every day gets easier it is hard...but who the hell needs that! Stay strong! I know he is hovering and will return when his next NS fails but I learned the art of IGNORING from Him! And will follow through with the silent treatment and the ignore button in the same fashion that he treated me!
I cried for weeks...
herlatestvictim...
I wish I could give you a hug
Good for you, Rhiannon!
Good for You!
Good for you!!
Grrrr
It's ok to feel lost. We are
Don't Fret over him!!!! Or at least try not to!!!!!