Forgetting Abuse?
Forgetting Abuse?
When you first get these monsters out of your home or if you're in the process of doing so, has anyone had times where it was very difficult to remember some of the exact cases of abuse, brainwashing, mindf*king, etc?
I've spent the last several months in therapy trying to gain the strength to tell my NH of over 20 years that I want him gone and not cave in when he begs me to give him one more chance.
A few months ago, my son jumped the gun and told him to get out of my house. He was sick and tired of how the N was treating us. When the N asked me this, I said it was true, I wanted him gone but then as he stood there looking like some pathetic, little boy, I caved. Since then, the N has become what he believes to be the "perfect husband". Cleaning the house, doing the dishes, deciding that giving me affection is fantastic - on and on. He explains his actions as "I'm a new man" to "I'm getting the old man that you fell in love with back" None of it is even what I wanted.
Last week, he said that he had taken a narcissistic personality test on line and he scored between the national average and celebrities. He said that he took it again thinking as the man he used to be, before he became a "new man" (huge eye roll) and scored higher. He then proceeded to push the conversation towards how I still believe that he is an N even after all of these improvements. I had had enough. I told him that I didn't believe there was any sincerity behind most of his actions. How can he go from 20 some-odd years of refusing to show me any affection to now hugging me every chance he gets and saying things like "I had no idea what I was missing".
I told him that some of the things he had started doing were actually creepy. Monitoring the time I spent in the bathroom getting ready for bed and commenting when I spent longer than the night before.
Stopping by my mom's house because he was "in the neighborhood" and saw my car there and then proceeding to go through every file on her computer (two different times) under the guise of helping her out. When in reality, he was trying to find out if I had a secret e-mail account (he later admitted this). Accusing me of seeing someone else because that's the only thing that makes sense to him on why I want him to leave...
Anyway, he ultimately said that he didn't know how we could continue if I didn't trust him, he said "If you want me gone, just tell me". I sat there struggling, trying to find the strength to say yes by remembering the bullsh*t brainwashing I've put up with on a daily basis and it was like my mind went blank. I was eventually able to tell him yes, (thank God!) I did want him out.
He left the house that night and eventually ended up at his mom's home. Over the last few days, she's called a few times begging me to try marriage counseling or at least call him because this is just killing him. According to her, he just sits there and sobs. During and after these calls, I start forgetting again!
He stopped by the house the day after he left to see if I would talk to him. Stupidly, I let him in and just let him ramble on trying not to say much of anything. After awhile, I start noticing that my mind is so fogged up that I can barely think straight. When I told him I needed to get out of the house, get some fresh air and get my head clear, he said that he realized that he was upsetting me, didn't intend to and would just leave again. After looking at me for several minutes and waiting for me to beg (just guessing) him to stay, he finally left when he realized I wasn't going to say anything.
I've been reading this site for some time now and have only posted once or twice but everyone on here has helped me just by being so candid and supportive of others that the appreciation I feel towards you all is not easily put into words.
If it hadn't been for this site, I don't know if I would've ever given it another go or not. I joined another site last year and they were adament about nc which I agree is important, but if I waited until I could go total nc, I would not be where I am today. I would've just given up and lived in hell until I died. You've been lifesavers!
I have no idea where this will end up but I'm hoping to never let him back in my house again. I've also asked him to just leave me alone (to include texts) so I can get my head clear. I plan on staying here and learning from others' experiences. Because of you, I know that it's ok if I stumble but it's possible to get out of hell as long as I keep my focus on that and not my falls.
I forget
Thanks so much for all of
nonnie
almostlydia
Actually coping with this
Nevergoback
Nancy
Yup....
Nancy
NancyM
OMG!
You have been so strong. I
Peace. J
You will get the strength.
Nonnie
thanks