IGNORING HIM? working

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#1 Aug 15 - 9PM
thisisnotfun
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IGNORING HIM? working

So it has been awhile since i have updated my relationship status...Well about 2 weeks was my ex's birthday . The whole day he had told me he was busy with his family with lunch and at his uncles house, well when i talked to his sister she that never happend. So when i confronted him about it he made up this huge long excuses that made no sense. He wanted to go out with his "guy" friends for his bday and not want me to come? Already kinda of fishy. Well he called me once he got home and said he didn't feel good and was just going to go to sleep. Well i drove by his house cause I had a gut feeling about something and i saw a girl walking up there. I jumped out of the car and right away he was deffensive, told me he it was his house and he can do what he wants and to get off his property..but he used a lot more abusive words than that. He told me she was there because she needed a place to stay for the night. This girl is a family friend that he has known for a while, but has not seen in a couple of years. I have met her 1 time. She now works with him. Well he screamed and cussed at me, and yes pushed me and told me to leave. Well the next day he told me we both know where this is going and if i needed anything else from his house. So me and my dad went over there and got my stuff, he was a jerk to my dad also and could tell he was upset my dad was with me. So we went about 3 days without talking and he texted me asking if i wanted to take our dog that we found cause his mom was making him get rid of it. So i picked up the dog, he was civil and pretty nice, but i still could not look him in the eye. HE tried to act liked he cared and gave me hug and said it was nice to see me. Well this was Tuesday, he texted me friday asking how the dog was, i ignored it..then texted me 3 more times and called at 3am. Still ignored him. He texted me last night saying he didn't want it to be like this but my actions made it clear and he is going to be jerk and do his own thing and have doing mine and he said your welcome for the dog i should have gaven her else where but whatever..still ignored him.!! So basically I know ignoring him is the right thing to do...but eventually is he going to come around and realized he messed up with me? I know i shouldn't want him back, i still love him more than anything..i just want to show him I'm in control for once and that for the first time I'm not texting him back when he texts me. Its the hardest thing I have done, but i know if we talk he will bring up an argument, and the only reason why is contacting me is because of the dog??

Aug 15 - 11PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Please listen to your mother

Everything she's saying is true. Read your words and pretend that this is your best friend telling you her story. Would you want her to be with someone who even used abusive language to her let alone made up excuses about why he doesn't want to be with her? Probably not...you'd tell her she deserves better. *And you do deserve better. Nothing less than being cherished*. xoxo
Aug 15 - 9PM
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

My darling daughter

Yes, NC is only way to go with him. No, he won't get it, they don't get it. Will he contact you again, yes. He wants to see if he can still control you. NC is not to be mean. NC is for you.
Aug 15 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
almostlydia
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Absolutely

Please start reading the tons of info that is available here. You will begin to see your man and your life and what you can expect in the future. I remember very well confronting the OW. It was beyond words. Men that want a future with you and men you should want a future with don't have another woman spending the night muchless put you out of the house. I know this. This landed me in the ER for 5 hrs. This is not how someone who loves you treats you. Please save yourself the many years of trying to make it happen with someone that will never be able to have a real relationship. My heart breaks for you tonight because I've been exactly where you are and I know it is the most gut wrenching pain in the world. Educate yourself on what you are dealing with. It is the only way to begin to save yourself. And you must safe yourself. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

im trying

I think that is the thing that hurts me the most...is knowing that just a couple days before this happen he told me how much he missed me and can see himself marrying me in a year. And how he wants to start his life me and how much he loved me. Now this happened, I now believe it was all a lie..since the day he told me i was his dream girl
Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

This is why

no contact is so important. It's so impossibly hard to separate truth and lie with a Narcissist and they make a science out of messing with your brain and your emotions. The way out is to stay away from it, because ultimately you'll learn that it's almost all lies anyway. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear if it means he can get you back under his thumb on his crappy terms.
Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

I was his 'soulmate', the

I was his 'soulmate', the one God brought us together, the yin to his yang, etc... I was the one he waited 10 yrs to marry after the children had all moved on to college. The problem was is that he didn't 'wait' for anything. He was having his Tue/Thur/Sun and his once or twice a weekers the entire 10 yrs we were together. He put me thru the worst hell I have ever known in my life. And sadly, he sounds very familiar with your guy. You may have to go thru a few more breakups/reconciliations to see that it will always be the same, but perhaps with new tactics. I hope you don't spend 4 or 5 yrs on it as I did. Ten yrs total. I didn't have the benefit of all the info here so I can't say how much it would have made a difference. They are a drug. The 'Prince Charming Drug' that we have all been waiting for all our lives. I had a bunch of messages just a week ago saying the same things. This was after countless OW's in ten years and the last one- it was a man. All conveniently forgotten by the exN. It's the most difficult thing I have ever had to wrap my mind around. But the bottom line is that they destroy everything in their path. I believe that is their vengeance on the world. Please save yourself. Listen to what their actions tell you, not their words. almostlydia

almostlydia

Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

THANKS EVERYONE!

Every advice I have been getting is helping me so much. I know i deserve the best, he even told me that. He did treat me great to. Its' funny how fast one person can change over night. I even told him the reason a relationship scared me was cause i didn't not want to lose our friendship, and as of now it has been destroyed by his choices. I lost my best friend over something so stupid that I had no control over. I really want that text or call or even for him to show up on my doorstep confessing how he messed up and ruined everything. I know it won't happen, but until he apologizes and is a man about this, I can't talk to him. It will make things worse and give him a reason to still keep tabs on me. I want him to know he lost me and may never get me back!
Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #6)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

The thing is...

my dear...he may in fact show up saying he messed up and ruined everything. Really! I heard it many times, as AlmostLydia did. That, however, does *not* mean he's changed, or intends to do anything different. It likely means that he knows what you want to hear and he wants you back under his thumb, and nothing more. Believe me, I know full well how hard it is to reconcile the good bits and the bad bits. It's terribly confusing. But ultimately, a person who truly loves and respects you wouldn't do what he's done. And still doing. Try to stick with NC, a minute at a time if you have to but the further you get from him, the clearer you mind can become about what you do or don't want for your future. A years-long horrifying rollercoaster ride is no picnic. xoxo
Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

I understand

that part, doesn't mean I would take him back cause actions speak louder than words..especially with him! He texted me 2 days in a row and i have ignored him, nothing today. Will he try again or do you think we will never talk again for a while!
Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #8)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

My guess is

that he'll try again, though he may wait a while to build tension. Two days is great, keep going! And remember...this is not about punishing him, this is about loving yourself enough not to tolerate his crap. I'll say it again because you can never hear it too much: you deserve more than this and there are very nice, interesting, and yes even exciting guys out there who will treat you like gold.
Aug 16 - 12AM (Reply to #14)
alma25
alma25's picture

Hi thisisnotfun

What can I tell you, I think that first, second, third time when he did the same thing again and when it was harder, worse, more painful each time, I still thought tthat by not responding to his messages I'll show him something and he'll understand that he messed up with my life, he destroyed everything, tht I'm the best what could hapenned to him. I heard what I wanted to hear, I even thouhght: my God, he is really sincere this time, he really wants to make it work.I was wrong. The fourth time was the most painful of all. I finally went NC not to punish him, not to show him but to save my sanity and all he things that I was left with. Not many things in fact. He is still contacting me from time to time. Sometimes he is sweet pushing my buttons, last time he just wanted to hurt me and punish me for not responding to him cause he knew I was still hurt. It's the cruelest man I've ever met. Please, leave now and don't look back if you just can. All the people told me to do so but I didn't want to hear and I have to deal with what I have. Sometimes you need to be thrown on your knees to understand there is no way to have any relationship with this man. I hope you wnon't need that. Sorry if I was too harsh.I just don't want you to go through all the things we've been through. He will have no mercy for you.
Aug 15 - 11PM (Reply to #9)
thisisnotfun
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I am doing

this for myself. To gain control back of my life and focus on me, not having to worry about him yelling at me anymore. I want to talk to him, but have no desire to because I feel he still wants to ask questions about my life and things that he should not be asking. I believe he has moved on, with another girl maybe? He has destroyed me inside and out...he will NEVER ever be able to gain my strength back with us, whether we get back together or just stay friends. He burned a place in my heart that he will never be able to gain again
Aug 16 - 12AM (Reply to #10)
wholeagain
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I'm going to keep calling you on

your language darlin-- >>He has destroyed me inside and out...he will NEVER ever be able to gain my strength back with us, whether we get back together or just stay friends. He burned a place in my heart that he will never be able to gain again
Aug 16 - 12AM (Reply to #11)
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

I guess

I just want him to realize what he did. Thats all i really want. He has lied so much, his words never matched his words. He can say he is sorry or any of that..i just want his actions for once to step out of the box more. Like the way it use to be with us. I need my time to myself and focus on me yes, but at the same time i want his closure and for him to accept the fact that were over because of his own mistakes and i did nothing wrong..ever
Aug 16 - 12AM (Reply to #12)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

I understand wanting that

I really do and I think most people here want that. And you may never get it, which is tough but we have to find ways to go on without getting that. Please keep focusing on yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled. Hopefully someday before long you'll be too busy living your life to worry about what he knows or doesn't know, says or doesn't say. You can't control him so pour all that effort into being the best woman you can be. And never, ever forget this: living well is the best revenge. :)
Aug 16 - 12AM (Reply to #13)
thisisnotfun
thisisnotfun's picture

Everyday

is a new day with me and one step closer to over coming this. He does have ways of finding out stuff cause i have good friends that work with him..they just say i'm doing great and so is the dog!! He has asked my best friend almost every time they work together about me, and how I am doing. No body there, but her, knows the truth about what happen. He has even lied to the, about stuff. I know kill em with kindness...and by him knowing im great and having fun will make him think? maybe