How Did You Feel When You First Met Your ExN?

I felt a combo of head over heels in love, very comfortable and at the same time very anxious whenever I saw him, because it was early on that I started walking on eggshells around him, never knew what type of mood he would be in. interesting we mention anxious a lot, I even said that to my therapist and that should not be an adjective to us when in a normal relationship.I had butteflies too whenever i went to see him and had to take pills to calm myself down, NOT normal

I felt the same as you have desrcribed in your post. Something just wasn't right I too felt anxiety but thought it was just the nerves associated with a new relationship. I felt sorry for him. He seemed so needy of me and I suppose I was flattered. He was boring. I had far much to offer him in the way of a personality than he did me. His words to me were I can't believe that someone as beautiful and amazing as you has even looked at me. I thought bless him and I felt great. Now I can see how true his words were. He meant them because deep down he knows how rotten he is and as a person I am way out of his league. I'm not being conceited. I struggle at times with my self esteem but I know I'm good inside and out and I know I'm capable of so much more and I deserve better. My life was full before I met him and he little by little tried to rob me of everything good until all I had was him. But I didn't let it happen. I'm proud of that fact. He didn't win. He didn't beat me. I'm fighting back with my inteligence and pride and the insight I've gained from you guys on here. Yes it hurts. My love was real. He wasn't. And in the end I resorted to the same manipulation as him in order to survive the ordeal. But it is ultimately getting me through it. I've once again ended the relationship on my terms. He keeps hoovering and I've broken nc many times but because I felt I needed to for me. Each time he comes back I see him with my new eyes and I'm not fooled. It hurts a bit less everytime. I can read him like a book thanks to what I've read on here. He's just so predictable. Now I tune into those gut instincts I had all along and I see that I didn't completely ignore them. I've been struggling with wanting revenge and closure but I know the best revenge and closure for me is living the life I'm meant to live. The fun happy life I had before him. I didn't let him isolate me and I still have everything I had before him. In the end he held me through fear of him. I no longer fear him so much. He physically assaulted me a few days ago. He stopped me breathing and I feared for my life. Well that shows him for what he is. A sick sad bully. I pity him. Let him get on with his life. Who cares ! As long as I can get on with mine. I know mine will be so much emotionally richer than his will ever be. I know that he knows he didn't win. I was the one that got away and I did turn his world upside down. Yes I may have emotional scars but he has scars too. To his narc ego and that is probably as wounding to him as all this is to me. Let him move on to his next or even his previous victims. I will move on to something real. Lesson well and truly learned. Hugs to all you wonderful courageous women on here. We all have walked the same path and truly understand each other

I thought my xN was really silly and goofy but alot of fun! I was not physically attracted to him but thought he was really friendly and charming! He put me totally at ease and treated me like an old friend immediately!! it felt like I already knew him. How ironic is it that when he finally really did know me very well, he treated me like a stranger. It took me a few years to get attracted to him, though we would kiss like teenagers those first few years before we really started going together. He was always pretty shallow, so I felt like I would never get too hung up on him - thought he was sweet and safe and a good distraction from my prior relationship with a deeper thinker "soul mate". But I fell more in love with this man than other love before him. He just grew on me and I remember the moment it turned from like to love - it was like a switch flipped and I fell madly in love. But it took about 4 years of knowing him before I got attached. And now 6 months after breaking up, I cannot seem to break the connection. I've had bad break ups before, but I never felt connected at the hip like this months later. I can hear him talking still, he was kind of like quietly bossy, always telling me if i was doing something the right way. We were opposites - what I am good at he is not and vice versa. I just still feel him strongly and hope it changes in time.

I read somewhere..on baggagereclaim that butterflies in the stomach is a warning sign or red flag posted by the author...so when I did first meet the narc I did feel anxiety and a bit shocked by his agressiveness and hugs even by his compliments..i was taken back...most of all I had butterflies..i was Warning my ownself...butterflies are kniwn for anxiety anxciousness more often love or liking someone..it was everything except love or like part..i know that now and for future

I had been talking to my exN casually, just as acquaintences for a year before our first date. When that day finally came, I remember going thome feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time... like a school girl. It was the oddest thing because that next week I felt anxiety at such a heightened level. I assumed it was because I really liked him but looking back maybe it was my instincts trying to warn me. My anxiety got so much worse over the course of our 2 year relationship. My anxiety has gotten so much better since I kicked him out of my life. We broke up for a few months this last summer and when he came back he fed me all the lines. I've never felt this away about anyone before. blah blah blah... and yet he tried to contact me a few times after I left and it's been dead since... a month later.

I was starting to talk to the exN and another guy. The other guy I was more attracted to but, sensed I was going to be a booty call. The exN was a special ed teacher, we were 3 days apart in age, we liked everything the other one did, but, something was not right. I didn't like the way he bounced when he walked. I was on the fence for some reason and friends told me to stop nit-picking and go for it, "a guy who works with special needs kids has a great big heart." Yeah but also for the married teachers and young new teachers. he opened the doors for me, held my hand, didn't push me into sleeping with him but, it did happen quickly. It was like he knew where the line was so he would not be a complete a-hole. Then after 2 months of dating, he didn't think it was going to work out because he felt my manners were not good. I didn't chat up a conversation with the wait staff or check out ladies. I noticed that after a while, he stopped doing that. He did this in the beginning but, since he was always doing it, I didn't feel a need to chime in too. So, i was labled as "not chatty or extroverted" enough for him. This is coming from a guy who the family told me had no friends in school and was a loner most of his life. And it was always a challenge to talk to him as it would result in an arguement. I asked my friends if I am "chatty" and they said I was fine for them. At times when new people were around, i would be quiet. That is my character. I check people out first before being all open and crazy. But, throughout the relationship, he claimed what I was doing wrong or not pleasing for him as to why we should break up, and i would turn myself inside and out to make sure I did not do those things. In turn, I pulled away from friends and family, didnt feel right, didnt feel like myself.

Like I had been born again!!!!!!!!! Our first night we talked until 5am JUST TALKED I felt something so real I had never felt with another man, but I was also scared there was ALWAYS a nagging voice that kept saying, is this for real? Will this man break my heart? After the first time we were intimate I must have had a gut feeling something was not right because I drove home broke down and cried and said to myself, I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life. I mean this man literally could not wait to get my clothes off, couldnt even wait to get into the bedroom, so it went from the kitchen to the living room to finally the bedroom, geez, I thought it was passion because I had not seen him for 23 years and he was confessing how much he had always felt horrible that he lost me 23 years ago and said I am NOT losing you ever again. What a joke, when I went NC I see how he tried to save our relationship, NOTHING so he DID lose me again and this time it will be forever. I didnt know 23 years ago he was a psychopath either.

Honestly? I thought "Wow, he's really quite boring."

"I immediately felt this uncomfortable feeling it was like anxiety. I felt like I just wanted to get away, red flags all over the place and deep down I felt in my spirit something was not right yet I stayed" I felt exactly the same. I guess the most descriptive word I can think of about how I felt when I first met xnh was "overpowered". I felt like something wasn't right, and there were red flags blazing all of over the place. Xnh came on to me so strong that I felt like I'd been flattened by a bulldozer. I felt very anxious like being with him was sucking my will to choose away from me. Looking back now and knowing that xnh is a narc, that is EXACTLY what he was doing. He was truly a vampire, and I was caught in his trance. I'm still questioning WHY I stayed. Other than I had convinced myself that I was madly in love with xnh, and he was my "soulmate", I haven't found a logical reason yet. It certainly WASN'T because he treated me so well for most of our relationship. lol.

I really thought he was the most wonderful, caring person ever and pretty much my soul-mate. I had blinders on!! Big big blinders!!!

I first met him online via a dating website. He sent me numerous messages. I was flattered that he took the time to write such interesting and funny emails. Although I was amused by him, it took me over a month to agree to meet him b/c I was still not 100% certain about him. When I first met him in person, he gave me an "uneasy" feeling. It was difficult to put my finger on, but I sensed a controlling and superior side to him. He soon put me at ease with his easy going humor, but I now think he was just "reading me". When I drove away from our first date I thought "this guy has a lively personality, but I am simply not attracted to him". In fact, I thought he was "hideous" looking. That's a strong word to describe someone but it was exactly what I thought. When I arrived home he immediately sent me an email and told me I was "hot". I did not respond to him right away. When I checked my email the next day there were 4 more messages from him complimenting me on my intelligence, wit and attractiveness. I thought to myself "wow, this guy REALLY likes me. He may not be the best looking guy but he is so funny, smart and intelligent" maybe I should give him a chance. I actually felt pity towards him b/c he told me that in high school he never had a social life with girls due to his facial appearance. I soon fell for his charming personality and in no time this "hideous" guy became "very attractive" to me on all levels. Well, that same "funny, smart and intelligent" guy went from non stop complimenting me to devaluing me in just a few months! I am the same girl he met from day one so I don't believe it was "me" that caused him to change his tune. I should have listened to my gut and not continued with him. What I'm dealing with now is how can someone go from appearing to worship the ground you walk on to being cold and manipulative? I feel emotionally raped and I should NEVER have slept with this guy!! Ugh! He's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

All of our contact has been on-line, through text, and telephone. It progressed slowly, at a turtle's pace. It unfolded so gradually, almost imperceivably, over several years. I didn't even notice. The funny one-liners, the random exchange of amusing links, and friendly little jabs, back and forth. Occasional, brief, witty banter. Nothing out of the ordinary, between friends. Initially, I didn't think twice about him at all. I'm married, so I wasn't even looking, or thinking with a romantic mindset whatsoever. He was just another person, an interesting person. Then again, I find most people interesting. Honestly, I spoke more to his wife at the time, than to him. I was busy living my life. At one point, I even left the social networking site we were on, because I was never really on it anymore. I lost interest. Somehow, he found my number. I never shared it, and it isn't listed. Out of nowhere, I got a phone call, from the both of them! How silly, surprising, exciting, and very flattering! Nobody's ever done anything remotely that wild to contact me. I was floored! It seemed so sweet, if not a teeny bit unsettling. It wasn't until after they split up, that we really started talking at length, and in-depth. It was so gradual, that I didn't see the signs. Everything seemed to linger in my periphery, where it had ample time to take root, and grow. I started catching myself thinking certain things, and quickly dismissing them! I began to behave, to act out, in ways that had me back-tracking and questioning myself. That's when I realized I was in over my head, and undeniably emotionally invested. By then, we were communicating every single day.

He'd say things like "I'm picking off the weak" (yes, during class) and "if you're so unhappy, why don't you kill yourself?" I was ALWAYS uptight and tensed up around him. My body would be in "freeze" mode, and then he'd freak when I was the one staring him down, snapping, "Stop looking at me!" I couldn't relax around him. I'd sit next to him at concerts/lectures, but be afraid of resting my hand on his knee or around his shoulders (I never did do either of those things) because I didn't want to spark Narc rage. So, in a sense, when I saw the OW and the ex-P sit together, I wasn't surprised that they weren't holding hands and acting like a lovey-dovey couple. He'd say things like "You're defending yourself" contemptuously. Or he'd ask, exasperated, "Why are you scared of me?" Then he'd go into self-pity mode about people fearing him, and him not knowing why. He'd say that people mocked him to defend themselves from him. Sure, I'd giggle and smile in his presence because I HAD A CRUSH, but it would cause him to snap "You're not taking me seriously!" He was perpetually paranoid that I was somehow treating him as an object of ridicule. being ridiculed was his biggest fear, the rationalization for his emotional abuse. If I had felt relaxed around him, I would've been physically intimate with him. But I didn't. He was his own worst enemy.

...that I did not. A big, private joke in his head, with that stupid smirk and calculating look in his eyes. I presume he thinks that is charming. Well, it didn't deter me unfortunately!

It's funny, but when I first met him I really didn't think much of him beyond, "He's friendly." I saw him every morning all spring and summer after we moved back to Chicago, and he was always just pleasant. I never thought of him beyond seeing him in the morning, and he obviously never thought of me either. We lived almost next door to each other and I didn't even know it! Then, that Christmas, for some reason, out of the blue, I started thinking about him. I remember I tried to find him to invite him to my Christmas party, but he wasn't around. When I next saw him, I told him I'd been looking for him and that was that. Every morning I made it my business to look gorgeous and be in the same place as him. He was happy and adorable, and he seemed bumbling but confident at the same time, and I just wanted to go out with him. I was separated from my husband, and when I found he was interested, I was determined to finally get divorced. I remember thinking about my miserable marriage, "If this great guy likes me, I'm out of here." When I think back now, it's obvious that he was just following my lead. He did nothing to initiate anything, I wasn't on his mind, I wasn't "doing anything" for him--I was just conveniently approaching him. I think, now, that I was just convenient all along, but I interpreted it all as this great love affair, I imagined he was hardened to love, scared of love, and that it was my job to make him at ease, to make him realize he wanted someone to love. As soon as he knew I was interested, he started spinning his tales, and I remember that everything he said was like a script. When I asked him what he did for a living, he said, "I am a Cook County Circuit Court Judge with the Criminal Division at 26th Street." Huh? When I asked him why he had never married, he said, "I have not yet found a woman who can be what I am looking for: a good wife and mother, like you are, and a best friend forever." He said this to me the first time I talked to him beyond "Hi." He said it in front of the convenience store at 8 o'clock in the morning. Boy, has my gullibility changed since then!

It's so wierd because I wasn't interested in this guy,I put off date after date,until he finally pressured me to go out with him. First date was so wierd,he was older than i've normally dated,but he seemed so 'together',successful,smart,etc...we drove and listened to music,talked about our favorite shows,'he liked 'the hills' and 'the bachelor', we couldn't remember one of the bachelors on the bachelorette at the end of our date.....the next day i got a delivery of flowers to my work, the card said 'had a great time,can't wait to do it again,..Kipton'...took me a second, who was kipton? ohhhh,how cute,....it was the bachelor we couldn't remember, I was hooked.......

I met my exN "twice". The first time I was charge nurse and he was a new employee. I gave him his assignment, and he asked a few questions. I answered, and he put his hand over mind and GAZED into my eyes. I felt a kind of shock, not unpleasant. He crinkled his eyes at me, affectionately. I'd just MET him. The second time I met him was a year later, we walked to the parking garage together. We talked for at least an hour in the freezing cold at midnight. He did that intense, eye crinkling GAZE into my eyes, like I was the most interesting person he'd ever met. Like he was seeing something he REAALY liked and admired. I walked away from him and drove home stunned. My head was swimming, really distracted, couldn't stop thinking about him. I can still see those EYES of his. So warm and inviting and GLAD to see me. I emailed my best GF the next morning. I still couldn't stop thinking about him. I told her about the night before and wrote "I just met the man I'm going to marry." I did (in Tijuana, illegall cuz he was still already married). I pursued him like a hound out of hell. It was like possession. I felt anxious, bordering on nauseated for those first few weeks. So afraid I was doing something wrong and he'd reject me. So needy, like I was suddenly missing something I HAD TO HAVE. I asked him out, called him, approached him, made my intentions known. That's real fun to live with :P

Excited. Relieved beyond belief that I'd finally met someone online that a) I was attracted to and b) was everything I'd been looking for. He was charming and attentive and we had a great conversation over drinks. He offered to walk me to my car. He texted two days later to say it was lovely to meet me and would I like to have dinner soon? We didn't look back from there.

I was talking to some other guy, and Mr. N waited until the other guy left and he grabbed my hand and took me over to a table to talk. He was so fixated...it was intoxicating. What sealed it for me however was that as we were leaving, he pushed me against a wall and kiss me. It was the most passionate kiss I ever received. I was absolutely hooked.