Addicted to Sex

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#1 Jul 11 - 6PM

dabussard

Addicted to Sex

I have a question? I think that I am addicted to sex.. Seriously. This is going to get graphic..

The sex with the N was amazing. It was marathon sex and I would orgasm multiple times. Like as many as 20 times a night... I would have sore puppy muscles the whole next day...I just can't get past how much he satisfied me. Let me clarify that this was in the very beginning of our relationship... It was because he could not ejaculate....After about four months, it got degrading.. He wanted anal sex and threesomes. Right before the D&D, he was a dead f&*k, I mean it was all about him. He wanted me to do him orally, but he wanted nothing to do with satisfying me. He would just lay there and watch tv....This hurt my feeling tremiously... One of the reasons, I have been able to stay NC...

Here's the sad thing about this whole mess... I have a wonderful husband who has stood by me thru this mess. He is my best friend. But, we had not been sexual prior to the N for like 7 years. He all of a sudden after finding out about the N, wants to have sex with me.. It just feels weird to have sex with your best friend... I must admit when I do, I pretend that he's the N.. And, this part breaks my heart... And, also my husband is a two minute man... I get nothing out of it and I am left feeling even more empty and sad... I don't know what to do at this point...

I hope I can have the guts to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow... My N has really screwed my head up that's for sure...

#2 Jul 13 - 10AM

Goldie

Wow, excellent discussion and topic

I too was abused sexually as a child and have that fear of intimacy thing as well. I think when this happens there is a part of us which avoids or makes light of connections which involve, true intimacy. Thus, an open door for the Narc/sex addict because so many Narcs are sex addicts and I too went to sex addicts meetings, not so much for being a sex addict but for learning about it and my love addiction. The meetings I went to were call Sex and Love addicts, so both parties attended the love addict who often craves the sex addict and as so many of you put it in this post; with childhood sex abuse it makes you a sitting duck for love addiction and sex addiction and the natural coupling for a love addict is a sex addict and sex addicts lack intimacy and love addicts fear intimacy, so there you go. Man oh man; just another aspect of this whole thing. Thank you for bringing up this topic, it is very important because the sex IS the glue which often keeps us going back so it is well worth looking into, where we stand and how we feel in the area. God bless, Goldie

#3 Jul 29 - 7PM (Reply to #34)

Arwen

Yeah Goldie right on and as

Yeah Goldie right on and as you know I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse. I just posted about wishing I had not slept with any of these narcs and that if I had had a mother who was vigilint and showed me boundaries plus male family members who had not abused me, I probably would have said no to most of them and kept my sanity intact. The sex really, really did keep me hooked with every one of these men.

#4 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #33)

dabussard

Goldie

You are so right with this statement: "sex IS the glue which often keeps us going back so it is well worth looking into, where we stand and how we feel in the area" Sex is the only thing that I am weak about when it comes to my N. And he knows it... I am addicted to him.... He uses it to try and control me all the time. Heck he is using it right now in a hoover attempt to get me back... Ugh!!!

#5 Jul 13 - 5AM

Used

dabussard

May i ask,why you and your husband stopped having sex? and now he knows about the narc you do have sex?...who initiated it, you or your husband?.. I know these questions are personal, and i understand if you don't want to say....

#6 Jul 13 - 6AM (Reply to #28)

dabussard

Used

My husband wanted nothing to do with me sexually! He was on anti depressants and it totally stopped his sex drive.. It was such a hard time in my life.. We didn't even sleep in the same bed. If I tried to initiate sex, he would push me away. One time he shoved me so hard that I went flying across the room. He used to call me a nempho... Yes, I like sex everyday, but I would have compromised with once a week and been happy.. Now, after he found out about the N. He is interested in sex. He wants it like once a week. It just feels weird to me now... We have been such great friends without sexual contact... I can't explain it just a weird feeling. I don't know if it is because I am still in love with the N or what. I think that the only reason my h is interested now, is because he doesn't want to lose me. Once, he knows that the N is out of my life for good, I will bet my bottom dollar that our sex life will taper back off again or completely stop.

#7 Jul 13 - 6AM (Reply to #29)

Used

dabussard

thankyou for your comments...so his sex life came back when he knew about you and another man....why does this make me cringe?...is it me?....i wouldnt have sex with n i only wanted friendship...lol...and that was fine., well sorta, but when i became friends with another man....it became game on for narc...and he didnt stop going on about it...i still never did yuk....but there was times i thought ,oh what ? have i become more attractive b/c i have another man friend...that realy offended me...he was also convinced i had something with malefriend...i would say if i don't do it with you...why would i do it with him...he never believed me i dont think...when i found out he had an ow...i thought oh b/c he was doing it, he thought i was...... I AM SO FRIGGEN GLAD TO BE OUT OF AWAY FROM HIM...THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR ANSWERSXX

#8 Jul 13 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

janine

Used

May I ask you something? You've mentioned several times that what you had with the Narc had just been friendship. Obviously it was difficult to get him out of your life and you are still thinking about him. It made me wonder what was the attraction then? Why did he affect you? Sorry if it's a stupid question. As you know I've been very attached to mine physically and I'm just trying to understand how that works without sex. If it's too personal, please forgive me for asking and ignore it.

#9 Jul 13 - 12PM (Reply to #31)

Used

JANINE

B/C...IT WAS IN AWAY A R/S..WHEN I MET HIM I TOLD HIM I DONT DO SEX....SO IMAGINE YOU AND A BEST WOMEN FRIEND...YOU GO OUT TOGETHER SHOPPING..EATING...PLACES...EVENTS..TALKING ABOUT EVER THING UNDER THE SUN....THAT FOR ME ...DRUMROLL...B/C OUR INTIMACY....AND ALTHO IT WAS TOXIC IT WAS ALSO ALL I HAVE EVER KNOWN IN A RELATIONSHIP OF ANY SORT NOT JUST HIM... I AM GOING TO PM YOU AS WELL...SO IF YOU WANT TO PM WHEN YOU ARE BACK ON BOARD.OH AND THE REASON HE STAYS ON MY MIND IS COS HE LIVES NEAR ME......I AM SOMEONE ON THE BOARD,WHO SEE HIM NEARLY EVERYTIME I GO OUT.

#10 Jul 13 - 2AM

Puzzle

This is the toughest part

This is the toughest part about leaving the N. I know it sounds superficial but it is. I was in a relationship with my N for 5 years, for all 5 years the sex was fantastic, soulful, spooning, adventourous...It was only a few months ago that we had sporadic sex outdoors. The chemistry never died and that is why it was so hard to leave. I miss the sex and find I constantly feel like having sex...after any other breakup I have not felt this way. I just know that I don't want to have sex because I think it will totally suck in comparison. I think 2 days out of the 5 years my Narc and I didn't have sex when we saw each other, one because I was sick, and the others because I had my period. I have been in relationships before and the sex dies after a year or two....but 5 years with the Narc and it never did. It actually was amazing in the end, very intimate. I felt like the only way we communicated our feelings was in the bedroom. It felt like he really loved me when he looked me in the eyes and spooned me etc.... I wish he was a dud in bed, it would make this so much easier. Also, the thought of him with another woman having sex...yuck! Sex was what we had in common and what kept us together...I think I will be really dissapointed with the next person.

#11 Jul 13 - 6AM (Reply to #26)

onwithmylife

Puzzle

You said exactly what I went through for 15 years, the sex was the glue that always held us together, always, it was fantastic, i still think of it from time to time, even after over 2 years out, and have not had any sex because I cannot find anyone I want to, wish I could, it would be easier to get over the man. You are so right, if the sex was hohum, I would have moved on much easier.................The sex was great all the time, we were like soulmates in that department,if only the other things went well............

#12 Jul 13 - 1AM

girlsinger

addicted to sex

Hi there perhaps this might shed some light on the subject http://www.drpatallen.com/EXC-goodwomen.shtml be blessed K

#13 Jul 13 - 12AM

Lost

Sex was pornographic but it was addictive

I have read through every single comment relating to this post and it is such great topic for discussions because the experiences seem so similar yet so different ... For me there was no emotion, no passion, no tender touches, even from the very first time we had sex. It was dirty and pornographic ... it's the only way I can describe it. All he was interested in was getting himself inside me, there was hardly any foreplay which to me is something that bonds couples on a deeper level, I love kisses but there was hardly any of that and when there was it wasn't for very long and he would pull away. I'm not very experienced sexually and it is actually something I have issues with. I don't have a lot of confidence and in some ways it actually scares me, possibly from childhood experiences and my thinking that is all men what and are after (again due to past experiences). He is the first man that has actually brought me out sexually as I there are so many things that I did with him which I had never done with anyone else. However at the time it felt degrading to me and now that I look back on it, it wasn't loving it was abusive and I was an object to him. It was always on his terms and when I tried to initiate it there was always an excuse and this happened almost from the beginning. We were living with his aunt & uncle when I first moved up to be with him and we had sex once in the course of 3 weeks because he didn't feel comfortable having sex in their house because they might here. It all went down hill from there. He never felt like it, was always tired, had lost his mojo yet he found plenty of time to masturbate on a daily basis to his porn collection. He would also be home before me and it was the first thing he would do, get on the internet, download pictures of women's vaginas and butt holes, women pissing and masturbate. Sometimes he would do this first thing in the morning as well. It was like the only thing that could truly arouse him and get him off but he could do it for hours. I remember now that he always used to brag to me how he could hold an erection for hours and hours because he had trained himself to do this yet he always made sure that I had an orgasm first and sometimes he wanted me to have multiple orgasms. But there was never any passion or love or emotion that came with it. I even allowed him to take pictures of me and he introduced me to sending explicit pictures via text message and also skype sex ... all of which are extremely out of character for me. He would talk dirty and brag about his manhood which I have to admit was impressive and how he was so good at pleasing women. As much as the sex in the end disgusted me I was addicted to it and to him. With the new OW which is actually his ex GF, he used to say to me that he would only go into her room when he wanted (they lived together but slept in separate bedrooms which is something he wanted to try with me but just didn't seem right to me) to for sex. To be honest I actually think he would prefer to masturbate on his own all the time and only occasionally have full on sex with another woman. He is so in love with himself that he happily walks around naked and loves showing himself off. Yet when he talks about his manhood he refers to it as his doodle and he loves having his botbot (bum) stroked and touched. It's just so child like. Yet he has the ability to make me want him so badly, just looking at his picture can do this to me. But I know that personally I would much rather have intimacy and companionship and true love than sexual satisfaction in that sense

#14 Jul 12 - 6PM

Tinker

the marathon sex, mine was

the marathon sex, mine was the same...i love it, just lasts for hours, keeps me on the edge. but i have to say, he never really touches me intimately, doesn't kiss. i have to wait for permission to do what i want. i think this is part of it. i'm so glad you posted this. i did so a few months ago, and everyone told me it wasn't REALLY great sex, it was the manipulation. that may be true, but damn, it feels good. after going NC, i got back in touch and we agreed to get together only for sex as he's with OW (tho increasingly saying disparaging things about her - the 4 month rule). but, disappointingly, he still tries to control by ignoring me which i thought maybe he'd give up. i told him i wasn't in love with him any more but just needed the kind of sex we had (unusual:). at least you remember how he withheld from you, that may make it easier to stay NC as you say. but the worst part, is having sex with others, it just feels empty and quick, tho it's nice to be kissed and really touched. i don't know with you, but he'd start texting about it the day before, all day, so by the time came, i was so heated up! i still feel really addicted to sex and have to be careful not to act that way with others, and i'm in my 50's! i've never felt that kind of absolute sexual connection and horniness. mine too would get graphic and degrading when he felt he could. my intuitist told me that women need touch and i'd get more emotional connection from a vibrator:)than him. probably true... so even when the actual sex isn't great, certain N's know how to manipulate it to keep you wanting more. no matter how you look at it, he's putting more effort into it than almost any other guy. and i don't need guy friends - the idea of sleeping with a friend isn't appealing. i think the sexual addiction is that we're addicted to him just like any addictive substance. it takes time. last thing, don't protect your therapist, tell her/him everything. it's confidential!

#15 Jul 12 - 9AM

Goldie

This is actually a facinating topic

I have heard many women on here speak of the mind blowing sex and I often wonder, what exactly does that mean? Mind blowing in what way? Orgasisms, intensity, frequency, what???? I am opening this up for discussion because I don't understand it. NO JUDGEMENT, just curiousity. If someone is willing to have sex with you all night or in every conceivable position or whatever they do, and then they treat you like a sex object or with disrespect. What is so mind blowing about this? Isn't it just an illusion to suck you in so that eventually they have control over your mind, body, emotions, and soul. Isn't it part of their ploy to hook us in and keep us stuck. Isn't it really part of THEIR sex addiction that they try to bring out in us because initially if feels good to be getting all this attention. I wonder if it really is so mind blowing or if we just kid ourselves into calling it that?? I don't know, just asking. I have had sex like that with a couple of guys whom honestly in the beginning before I got hooked, I did not even like them that much until they hooked my body with the crazy shit. They were certainly NOT the most loving or the nicest or anything else just a good lay basically, without the intimacy you have with someone who really loves you, which may be more boring or not as intense yet you know in your heart that they love you and respect you. I guess I get hung up with the term, "mind blowing" because it keeps us hooking in our minds into thinking we are losing or missing something and just because someone wants to screw you around the clock does not mean they love you. LIke I said, I am not passing judgement here just wondering if maybe that term keeps us thinking that it was something more, special, or better than it was. At this stage of my life, I could forgo the mind blowing sex for someone who was there for me, loved me, respected me, and gave a shit about my needs and feelings. Your thoughts on this would help me to better understand this whole sex thing and how they USE it to CAPTURE US because like you say, with most of them, eventually want to kick it up a few notches with the real sick shit and then we begin to feel degraded and devalued. Great topic for disscussion. God bless, Goldie

#16 Jul 29 - 1PM (Reply to #21)

Sunafterrain

Reponse to Goldie

you make VERY powerful observations about this topic and I'm so glad I ran across it. In everything you say, you are correct. Here's my question, if the sex was that "mindblowing" why aren't you still WITH the N????? Because it wasn't that mindblowing and nor was he, not enough to stay in the relationship. I think that is very telling. I agree with Goldie, I'd rather have a man who treated me with love, respect and care and there was a mutual exchange sexually. The addiction to the sex is what the N counts on to keep you hooked. it's not respect in the slightest, it's just one way he degrades you, has power and control over you. It boosts his ego every single time and while you're high on oxytocin, it gives him MORE room to abuse. The sex wasn't so great that the abuse was ignored and that's why we're not in the relationship anymore. Excellent post, Goldie!

#17 Jul 12 - 11PM (Reply to #20)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

it was sensual and deep...this is the contradiction I don't get

sex with my N was not acrobatic or lasting for hours. it was usually slow, soulful and orgasmic. It was when i felt he let down his guard finally and we connected on a soul level. I am trying to not romanticize it in any way. but quite simply- it was the best I ever had. the connection had such depth- no words necessary. our bodies just fit and found each other effortlessly. we would spoon afterwards and my mind was quiet. I wish it wasn't so. I wish he sucked. I wish we did not have this intense connection. I worry too- will my attraction to him be ALWAYS? when I run into him weeks, months, years from now- will I still feel the incredible buzz? It would be a cruel world if so. I hope with continued healing and NC and reality checks, I will find him less and less attractive. ????

#18 Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #17)

Sparrow

Goldie, very interesting

Goldie, very interesting topic........me personally, I am on the fence about it. I have discovered a lot about myself this past year that I would have never known if not for narc#1 leaving. I was very sexually active in my younger years. Narc #1 never knew this side of me, the only lie I ever told him...........I was ashamed at how "free" I had been. My mans attitude towards sex.......so I thought. It was actually a cry for acceptance, love.........I didn't know that at the time, mind you. Turns out, being a victim of sexual abuse as a youngster, makes you seek out sex as a young adult because you believe that is all you are worth, meaningless sex.......and that is the only thing a man seeks from you. I of course learned later that this isn't true and that there are men that want/ require more than meaningless sex. You get comfortable with that only to find out again that it is not true.........the game Chutes and Ladders........get all the way to the top, almost to the finish, to win, only to slide all the way back to the beginning........ This is a topic close to me that I still explore and work on.........interested in reading everyone else's take on it. I would imagine, a large percentage of us on this forum are a victim of abuse from our childhoods as well as the narc. This is the part of the puzzle I still try to connect together. I believe narcs are who they are due to abuse/ abandonment, as well as us, their victims.......interesting indeed.

#19 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #18)

Tinker

fascinating, Sparrow i agree

fascinating, Sparrow i agree that they were abused and then look to abuse. mine almost got excited when i started telling him about my abuse from my childhood. i think he saw an "in" because i appear very strong and in control. a woman who really was strong would have dropped him long ago. i think there's also the element that we are used to having our boundaries crossed. so when they do, it doesn't seem so bad. another woman would be on full alert, but for us it feels normal. My exHN crossed my boundaries so much for so many years that, even having gone through therapy, when the malignant N came into my life and started crossing boundaries, i wasn't uncomfortable enough to stop it. does this sound right to anyone else? i imagine it will always be that way, like the chutes and ladders analogy you mentioned which is so relevant.

#20 Jul 12 - 8PM (Reply to #19)

Sparrow

Marrissa

It won't always be this way..........with knowledge comes power!

#21 Jul 12 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Amazing Sex

Janine did a good job of explaining part of it with this: "the highest possible intensity, naturally resulting in frequency, as you want to repeat the experience. To me it feels as if my mind is floating. It depends on chemistry," For me, I had been living in a virtually sexless marriage for a few years and had pretty much lost my sex drive. I started to feel asexual and unresponsive to my husband, and thought the decline in my libido was due to peri-menopause and hormones, combined with neglect from my husband. What sex we did have a few times a year had become mechanical, with no intimacy or emotional connection. Along comes the Narc who tapped into my loneliness and lit a spark I hadn't felt in years. As Janine also said, sex is in the brain. My Narc seduced me through my mind and I felt like a real woman again with sexual desire that I thought was gone, but discovered was just lying dormant. He woke that part of me up and I felt like a teenager again. And my body responded like a teenager's again instead of a 45 year-old woman's, if you get my meaning. Hormones were working just fine it turns out. The chemistry between us was intense, electric, and we were both so responsive to each other. Everything felt so natural and easy. There was always a lot of kissing, touching and eye contact. Sex didn't feel like just sex, and was never mechanical. It felt like making love. It was passionate, sweet, intimate, and extremely gratifying. I would get so lost in him, it was intoxicating. The emotional connection was amazing, for me at least, and he faked it well if he didn't feel what I did, as we now know they faked everything. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces connected on every level: physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He was a very considerate lover and knew what he was doing. He genuinely enjoyed pleasing me and seeing/feeling how I responded to him, because it validated his image of himself as the world's greatest lover. I was putty in his hands, and he knew it, and I'm sure he got a big ego boost out of that. Even afterwards I would fall asleep on his shoulder and it felt like we were special. But, we weren't together all the time and were long-distance, so there was also the element of excitement that comes from having a clandestine affair, anticipation of seeing the other person you miss so much, intermittent reinforcement of being together occasionally instead of the real world of every day living. It only lasted a year, and my guess is it would have ended up like others have talked about here, with him becoming more selfish, or demeaning, or having ED, or all three.

#22 Jul 12 - 9PM (Reply to #11)

dazed

Your description of your

Your description of your marriage is similar to mine. Sex was mechanical with not a bit of intimacy or connection. With my N (not my wife) the sex was so emotional, intimate and passionate. It could be tender or frenzied. My N said we were athletic. Never was used to control. Your description though is perfect. It was so unique and incredible; It is difficult for me to believe that she was able to be like that with everyone. Then again within 2 weeks of the d&d she was with the OM and two weeks later wanted to marry him.

#23 Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #12)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

I question whether my N was

I question whether my N was like that with new OW. He always told me I was the best he ever had, and it was the ONLY thing he never contradicted himself or wavered on. I know he lied about everything and probably said that to every woman whether it was true or not, but he was consistent with that throughout our relationship and even during and after the D&D. If he'd REALLY wanted to hurt me, he knew that would be the way to do it. Retracting that statement and telling me how it was so much better with new OW would have killed me. Instead, he told me that even though sex with OW was great? (yes, said it with a question tone), it was nothing compared to what it was with me. As far as that went, he said no other woman would probably ever compare to me. Like I said, the only reason I believe, or choose to believe he meant it, is because he was always consistent with that aspect of our relationship and everything else he eventually flip-flopped on or contradicted.

#24 Jul 13 - 4AM (Reply to #16)

Lobo555

I heard from a narc proxy

I heard from a narc proxy (his best friend) that I was one-upped by a tall rich blonde who liked tantric sex. >.< That still hurts 4 months later.

#25 Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #13)

dazed

Kitten

She said the same to me. Best lover she ever had. The best sex she had ever had. Never retracted that. We always had such great sex. I remember one time we just started laughing with such joy because we were so happy making love. One of my best memories. When we were together physically, we would spend hours and hours--just a marathon. Never had that kind of connection with any woman and I am afraid I never will again.

#26 Jul 12 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Me too ;o(

I suppose I am delusional and CHOOSING to believe that it was better with me than anyone else, but he didn't hesitate to tell me how he never got over the previous OW until NOW. Now that he was with new OW, who is a recycled GF from over 25 years ago who reminds him of previous OW. And if if previous OW was so special that he couldn't get over her, WHY did he start pursuing me when he was with her? Their relationship only lasted a couple of months, and he said the sex between them, which was all of two times was "Eh..." Yes, that was his word, "Eh." It was just sex he said, and just ok. He also didn't even spend the night with her either time. Both of these women though, had supposedly been with only two men their entire life - their husbands and my exN. And with the new (recycled) OW, my exN took her virginity 25 years ago. I know that whatever comes out of their mouth is a lie, but with everything else my exN told me at the D&D, I'm surprised he didn't bring up the sex and trash me with that too. But he stuck to his original story on that, all the way to the bitter end, even while retracting/changing his story on so many other things, including the love element. I also think he may have left that on the table to keep me around for future sex supply. But when everything blew up even more in the NC zone, he again had a chance to really stick it to me again on this subject, but didn't.

#27 Jul 12 - 11PM (Reply to #15)

dazed

We were both the best to our N's!

I read your story and there are plenty of bad things you can remember that are undeniable. You can point to them and say, Yup he was pretty bad there! So why not keep that thought of the sex with him as the best. Why the need to tarnish it ? (unless of course it keeps you from healing) This is my approach. Not everything in the relationship was horrible. I remember the sex fondly and it was fantastic. I also remember the negative--the stuff that made just everyday living absolute hell---the devaluing, the loss of self esteem, the lack of any insight and empathy. Those are some serious negatives and no amount of great sex is worth tolerating that kind of life. In fact I think it would be impossible.

#28 Jul 12 - 1PM (Reply to #8)

janine

Mind-blowing sex

Goldie, since I'm the one who used the word I'll try to explain. Please keep in mind though that it's a very personal definition from my side. And kindly remember that English isn't my native language, I'll do this best as I can. To answer your question what it means: the highest possible intensity, naturally resulting in frequency, as you want to repeat the experience. To me it feels as if my mind is floating. It depends on chemistry, and though I've had quite a number of lovers (wild child of the seventies and "free love"), I only reached those heights with a few. When two passionate and sensual people have that chemistry, it does blow one's mind. The men I found it with before had been brief affairs. I'd never have imagined this attraction could last for nearly 12 years (and still would, if I went back), not that N and I had those extremes daily, there was also regular and lazy sex. When I'd warned him at the start that I was possibly one of very few women who'd had a man complain about being treated as a sex object, he said he liked it, I'd be the same to him. Later he discovered my potential as his future partner I refused to be. Too late to impress me with lies and games, when he'd been quite open. I knew from square one he was disordered and extremely promiscuous. I was at such a low point of my life I didn't care about his affairs or my health. We were two sex addicts serving each other's needs. Only difference being he needed variety, while I was hooked on him. I was aware he was using me to gain additional supply by arranging threesomes. Like him I'm very adventurous in and out of bed. I'll try most things once, then say yes or no. No problems with boundaries but with intimacy. Just like the N. We were a perfect match, though I realized the emotional coldness right away. Love was the last thing I wanted, when my marriage had nearly broken up. But I adored him sexually. Of course nothing gives you more power over a man. The same hold he had over me. He'd told me early on that our passion would last. He was right and I've long known the reason why. Sex happens in your brain, I have a lot of phantasy, I'm playful, I kicked him up endlessly and enjoyed it. His therapist told me that N felt very dependent on me sexually and emotionally. The fact that he has strong borderline tendencies might explain this. The N didn't create my addiction to sex. It had been there from late childhood. Instead I became aware of it through him. I also saw in him where it leads to, the emptiness gets worse. I absolutely understand the somatic N's need for plenty of supply. That is not to say that I condone it. So, Goldie, you would forgo the mind-blowing sex for love and respect. It is what I have at last done, too. I had both having two partners without any dishonesty from my side, but I paid the price. The old Greeks used the terms "agape" meaning an emotional and idealistic love and "eros" meaning erotic love. A love that is far more than just sex. The way I loved my N. If you are interested in this subject, there's a book by Anne Wilson Schaef "Escape from intimacy", where she explains about the addiction to romance and to relationships (mostly female territory) as well as sex addiction (85% males in my former support group).

#29 Jul 12 - 1PM (Reply to #9)

dabussard

Janine

You have explained it so well: "the highest possible intensity, naturally resulting in frequency, as you want to repeat the experience. To me it feels as if my mind is floating. It depends on chemistry, and though I've had quite a number of lovers" This is exactly what I miss... I am addicted to the N's sex. The chemistry and even the sight of him makes me melt... I can't get enough... This is what is making it hard for me to get over him... I WANT MORE!!!! He knows it and before my going NC he was withholding it from me... He told me once, that he would not kiss me because it makes me want him more... Talk about an arrogant ass!!!

#30 Jul 12 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

naive46

Goldie...glad you posted this as I've wondered the same thing

I look back at my own experience with the N. Our encounter happened during a long term sexless phase of my marriage. Of course anyone wanting me at that time was a turn on. What was exciting, at first, was how he pushed the boundaries of anything I'd ever experienced -- both in speed of "relationship" and during our one time together. BUT NOW THAT I HAVE DISTANCED MYSELF....and gotten marriage therapy, I am left wondering the same as you. My husband and I have renewed our sex life and he is much more conservative in bed, however, I have never felt so loved as I do when he holds me after we are intimate. It makes me realize the black and white contrast with the N and what he had me doing I had never done. 1. Forced me to perform oral sex in his car after kissing me like 30 seconds. (He didn't hold my hands, have his arm around me walking to his car, etc. etc. No other affection...just pushing my head down.) 2. He yanked his clothes off and mechanically entered me -- no emotion. He talked nasty and was controlling (exciting at the time; disgusting to me now). 3. He forced more oral sex and, when he couldn't ejaculate, he begged for anal sex. OUR FIRST TIME TOGETHER! I'm not totally inexperienced - I have had anal sex in college after a year relationship with my boyfriend. I trusted my college boyfriend and he was gentle. I'm so glad I wouldn't let N do this as he wasn't wearing a condom and we had no lubrication. Without a doubt he would have been rough, not cared, severely hurt me to get turned on. 4. He ended up masturbating and ejaculating on me. Again...something that I had never experienced and, at the time, though he trusted me to be so intimate. Now I realize he treated me like a prostitute as he told me what to do and when I tried to balk, he got angry. He didn't push beyond my 2 "no's" for anal though. Yes, the encounter had a lot of sexual energy and was "mind blowing" as he did stuff I never had experienced before but, for me, that stuff in hindsight was all about him, mechanical, and degrading. I will take my boring, loving, respectful husband any day of the week. I'm so glad this guy lives far from me.

#31 Jul 12 - 12PM (Reply to #7)

spinning

outstanding discussion...

just have to chime in and say so. I hope every woman here reads this and considers it. dabussard, braveheart, way to go for starting this thread and for being so honest. As you note, the 'mind blowing' part was due in part to his marathon (they all have that) inability to orgasm because of his disorder. You also note that it all changed and became degrading...(they all do that, too). Goldie and naive! Thank you for putting into words what I have thought for a very, very long time. Lobo, you too! All who responded. It is a delusion--sheer delusion--that the sex was so great and awesome. It's totally about something else as Goldie points out. It's when I have to get out the REALITY GLASSES and put them on in the clear light of day. I NOW DREAD THE FACT THAT I EVER LET THE DISORDERED ONE TOUCH ME, much less engage in his "idea of sexual activity." UGH. In REALITY, it was almost the worst I've ever had. Truly. UGH! Well, I could say a lot more but others have already said it for me. Everyone here is awesome and I am in awe of the things I learn and the validation even at this stage in my recovery (eight months out and couldn't be happier and more blessed!) thank you all, and dabussard, thank you for bringing this up. It hasn't been discussed in a while and it's an important subject. I know you are determined to heal and move on. I think the more you keep putting in black and white, the more you--and myself--and others--will get there. To borrow a line from girlsinger, Be blessed! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. NEVER, EVER AGAIN! THE SICK FREAK DOESN'T EXIST. NEVER DID IN THE FIRST PLACE.

spinning

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