This is BIG!

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#1 Oct 27 - 10PM

tigger73

This is BIG!

I have not posted here in a few mths, BUT I do check in about once a week now. If you remember me or my story, I left a N abuser of a husband that I was with for 10 yrs. 3 kids. We left first of June. ANYWAY, when I found this site, I literally was on here every few hrs or so....it was truly my lifeline. My entire family supported me and were here, but all of you on this site, who share my same story, saved me. I had the months of sleepless nights, the PTSD and visceral reactions when my phone would ring and I would want it to be him....the abuser....the one I finally left. I went thru all the psychosis that was handed to me. I did it with medication too, but I did it. Within days of me telling him I was leaving him, he had a girlfriend. My BIGGEST FEAR during that period of time was, "Oh God, what if they live the happiest life ever, they are soul mates and she is perfect and he is truly happy because of her".....that would mean that this was all my fault and that I do have a problem like he always projected on me.
Well sweethearts....it might take some time, but good always wins, and narcs ALWAYS devalue, and he did it within a very short period of time with her. I ran into her during the summer.....absolutely beautiful, 10 yrs younger than me, no kids, perfect figure......I thought he found his soulmate. Well, this soulmate who he also professed his undying love to within weeks of leaving a 10 yr marriage, they are done. They are so done in fact that now he talks terrible about her......calls her "Stupid", like thats her name.....says he hates all women now after her........ and the only people he cares for are the kids and I. Why he cares for us now I don't know.....he never did before.....oh wait, I know why! He is a narc, and is getting no supply from her, and he is a drama junky. I can't believe how much he shame dumped on me. Now that I am away from it, it really was a sick situation. Anyway, this is getting long. I had to check in and write this for you all who are going thru that point in recovery where you really wonder who the crazy mean one is? Is it you? Will he do this to someone else? I remember being on here begging and crying for someone, anyone to promise me he will do it again, and that it wasn't me. God bless you all tonight. If he is a true narc, whoever you are healing from, you will see it play out. I have to admit something.....I have had an inner calm in me since I have seen this play out with this idiot, a calm I haven't had in years. I think it's called validation.

#2 Oct 28 - 7AM

Used

tigger

great post..i divorced myexn 14yrs ago... he wanted to stay freinds..we had a lot of years together and kids and grandchildren...so i said ok, he still come round took me shopping,ect ect, we even went on holiday together, if i didnt see him he phoned a couple of times a day.. it was like we were still married but we didnt live together...then a couple of years ago, his visits began dropping off, i asked for my key back[yes he still had a key]..he began trying to keep key i had locks changed and last year dropped him all together... this year found out he has been living with a woman for at least 9yrs...all the time he was coming here ,asking for money[and getting it] and i didnt have a clue...the person who told me, has now told him i know about them[this person said tell her[me] he screamed at them no i wont f;;king tell her... we made a promise to each other after divorce...if we met someone we would tell each other... i told him i had a freindship with narc...he said i give it a year>WTF... but still never told me about this women... i didnt care tho...and now he knows i know.... he takes her every where... all his family have met her and it leaves me baffled why he didnt tell me.... i didnt want him, he knew that... i wouldnt have minded... i dont know how they get along or care, but maybe someone can shed some light on why he didnt tell me.... and it cant be about backup supply b/c i would have still talked to him it made no diffrence to me...and by time i met narc ,no one exsisted for me except narc.... i will always be baffled by this with exh, we were mates...nothing else...AND YES NC IS THE ONLY WAY TO GO...

#3 Oct 28 - 6AM

faithinthefuture

tigger

God bless you and your children! Your words should be an inspiration for all of us. We do need to hear that time will help us to heal, to find us again. Thank you!

#4 Oct 28 - 6AM

jaycee

tigger

WoW, you sound so much like me, at first, and sometimes still, i think, maybe shes the one, maybe she makes him happy and i couldnt, bullshit, hes cheated on her since before i threw him out, as there are always others, hes continued to tell me he doesnt love her, wishes i never threw him out, etc....but i have those awful feelings, that shes the one, hes happy because of her, and it was me, i wasnt the one, but you just validated everything everyone has told me, they arent happy ever, and no one is the one, as my hNs whore is fifteen years younger than me, and looks older than me, but she has alot more in common with him, shes a gym junkie, like him, a tanning freak like him, selfish, like him, and could care less who she hurts to get what she wants, just like him, so i feared they would be perfect for each other and it would mean it was because of me, but guess what, they are almost done with, their fighting has escalated and hes now looking for a place to go, so when they are completely finished, i will find the peace i need, but thank you for what you wrote, i need to hear these things, they help me to remember its not me, its him, its not us, its them, good for you. thank you again,,,,,,,,,,Jaycee

Jaycee

#5 Oct 28 - 6AM

fooled no longer

Thanks for sharing these

Thanks for sharing these are the stories we need to hear, often we dont. Your unshelfishness will help many women on here who need this advice x

#6 Oct 27 - 11PM

aceonelady

Tigger73

Thanks for posting the above...my situation has been horrible for 2 and a half years since D&D which ocurred because he said i wasnt lifting HIM up if you know what i mean....We live in different continents me in Europe he in the USA...he did send me some emails called me twice,but everytime i tried to contact him,hoping at least for some friendship,he turned me down,and humiliated me more,is awful,no closure,nothing...he D&D me at his home,2 days after i went to the USA to be with him,after having sex twice my self esteem went to zero...since then,i was and am sometimes obssessing about he and somebody else,because of the distance i will never get closure....so thanks for telling us that even if the other one look gorgeous and things seem perfect that they really screw it up,no matter how we look or how good and loving we are ,is them not us....Thanks HUGHS...You are really helping me(US) a lot....good luck and blessings

Aceonelady

#7 Oct 27 - 11PM

almostlydia

It is so BIG - surviving

It is so BIG - surviving this hell - it is incredible. I am so glad you posted and even more glad that you are on the other side. Ten yrs, three kids, that's a lot of history. I had the ten yrs, but fortunately my children were mine. I am so glad to hear from you. I know what you mean about that validation - there is justice in the world. almostlydia

almostlydia

#8 Oct 27 - 10PM

blueeyes

Valadation

I learned about that on my post tonight. I may have it already but these symptoms are horrible. I am 3 hours NC and I look forward to writing positive posts like this soon. I need to take my life back. They are beasts and we can never understand.

#9 Oct 27 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

tigger73

Oh my dearheart, I remember

Oh my dearheart, I remember being 3 hrs nc. I thought I would die. My phone would ring, and I would scramble, WANTING it to be him, but yet knowing he is a monster. That is all part of the damage done to us. And, I promise, it goes away. The ONLY ONLY ONLY ONLY way it goes away is........no contact. I never understood the power of nc in the beginning until I did it. It is almost hard to describe. There were days I lived hour by hour. Like, "wel, I made it another hour and I didn't die.". I didn't shrivel up into nothingness because of his awesomeness, or lack thereof rather. And the days that were bad, were days I had contact with him. I started analyzing everything, and I could put it all together like a puzzle. No contact is the most powerful and really the only ultimate way of getting thru this. I did and still do take an antidepressant. Whatever. It was either that or stay in bed. That just got me jumpstarted. Anyway, take it hour by hour. I lost so much weight in the beginning. I really felt like an out of body experience. It was just so confusing. Confusing. Nothing made sense. I was trying to make it make sense, all I knew was that this man was not nice, and I felt like shit, and he is mean, and selfish and porn addict and finally messed up enough, but I still had to process all of this and MAKE SURE it wasn't me. That is the madness of a narc. They convince, project. Anyway honey, you will make it. You have to believe that God did NOT put you on this earth to fix this person or suffer at his hands. And you cannot live to your fullest potential that you were born with if you are suffering from a narc. The only thing you did wrong, same thing I did wrong......we believed them. That's it. Goodnight and good luck my love. You will make it. I was you and let me tell you this, no contact and time, let months go by and you will feel as free as a bird. There are nights I am soooo tired, but HATE to fall asleep now becuse I am so relieved and happy. CAN YOU IMAGINE!!! When before, when I first left that idiot......I could have slept for the rest of my life. AND I took a bunch of stuff just to get me asleep. I would wake up an hr later ina full panic attack. God help all of us. What a horrible life that was.

#10 Oct 27 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

blueeyes

Tigger

I feel this way but I have a huge weight gone. I don't miss him but I think about the victum I have become. He tries his best to manipulate me all day for the last 3 days. I had some crazy things happen. My best friend was with me carrying my infant around to courts, police station, my kids schools. It was NUTS! I am beat but I can't sleep. I fear he will come back and I will not answer him. I cut it out like a death. I had a funeral an hour ago outback while walking the dog. Yup, I'm crazy but to quote his line "I am dead to you." Uhm, yes I know jerkoff loser I had a funeral!

#11 Oct 27 - 11PM (Reply to #4)

tigger73

You are not a victim, you

You are not a victim, you are survivor. Plain and simple. Many people in our lives will never encounter such a beast as a narcissist. There are men out there that can be mean but are not narcs. I will go to my grave knowing the craziness of a narc. And the only way you are a victim is if you LET him victimize you, and you won't. I dragged myself and 3 kids thru this, and I, being the responsible adult, dragged us all out of the ashes and rubble, and the kids are healthy and happy and so is the cat. I'm not even kidding you. Our cat, the one my narc hated because he got attention, put on weight and even had a relaxed look on is face after we left and settled in to our new life. There is no more walking on egg shells. Oh, your narc says he is dead to you now, but he will be back, and you just have to remain neutral. I do not encourage drugs of any kind, BUT, I do encourage sleep aide at this very vital point. I could not sleep, yet so tired, and I needed to function for my children. He cannot manipulate you if you are nc. And I could not be 100% nc because of the kids and when he would want to see them, SO, I stopped making eye contact. That was my no contact. Just stay on this board and keep educating yourself like you are doing. The info and personal contact on this board is nothing short of the absolute best therapy, for free, that one could ever find. Remember, narcs have a method, it is in their blood, their psyche, and it is the same with most all. What I now have to focus on is WHY I stayed, WHY I didnt pay attention to the early signs because they were there, and never ever do it again. I won't either. I can smell a narc from a mile away.

#12 Oct 27 - 11PM (Reply to #5)

almostlydia

tigger

I read something today in the link that michele posted today that I think is so important for all of us to remember and, after reading your last post, seemed worth repeating here. 'Narcissists spot those victims who know their convoluted dance in an instant, and they become like moths to the flame, which is an irresistible and dangerous attraction that truly excites the narcissist in his hunt for narcissistic supply.' Apparently they spot us before we see them a mile away. almostlydia

almostlydia

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