Boy Does the Anger Stage last a Looooong time

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#1 Oct 25 - 7AM
Anonymous (not verified)
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Boy Does the Anger Stage last a Looooong time

I have not seen the Narc since July 21. NC for six weeks. Anyone have any insight as to why I would still love to bash him in the face?

He's dead in my mind so I can I want to jack him up?

It's not hurt, it's not missing him, it's not even hoping he'll apologize.

It's just wanting not a pound, but a ton of flesh....

Agggh!

Oct 25 - 11PM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Blast this while driving if your mad...

There has been alot of anger, understandanly so..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLpfbcXTeo8&ob=av3n
Oct 25 - 8PM
shortway
shortway's picture

Found a good quote about the

Found a good quote about the anger.... Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." Buddha
Oct 25 - 9PM (Reply to #41)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Then don't hold onto it.. throw it!

I was told that very quote after the D&D. It was basically "yeah, he emotionally abused you, publicly discarded you, abandoned you after one of your friends died... but hey, don't hold onto that hot coal, you'll get burned." One of my friends told me THIS very quote. So I just repressed, repressed, repressed... I was told to NOT feel angry, NOT to hold onto it.. And here I am a decade later trying to sort out what happened. Telling someone who's been abused to NOT be angry is another form of abuse. It's more about HOW do you use your anger? Do you find ways to process it and learn from the experience? Does it drive you back into the arms of the N/P? Or does it show you the way out? When the ex-P sabotaged my teacher education program, I was TOO angry to confront him on the phone or in person! And it was a GOOD thing! It helped me keep NC.
Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #42)
moonshine
moonshine's picture

anger is like..fire

anger is like fire...but the fire can be put to good use.
Oct 25 - 9PM (Reply to #35)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal...throw it at someone you'll feel better! - Michele115 LMAO! Thank's hun...but notice that Budda is FAT!...he must be an emotional eater... Just being a chop buster here, thanks for the support Grrrrr
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #36)
shortway
shortway's picture

Hahaha fat buddha..Believe

Hahaha fat buddha..Believe me I'm angry too..I just want to try to diffuse some of our anger,so we don't hurt,stress,age,and we don't feel the wrath of it..It is healhty but I feel that this prolonged anger is starting to do damage to JUST ME..I feel like my body is starting to age because of the constant angst.. SUsan...I am not saying not to be angry..and telling someone to not be angry is not another form of abuse..GEEZ....why do I bother sometimes on this board!...
Oct 26 - 9AM (Reply to #37)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

It's okay

I think there was misunderstanding here. I'm sorry I offended you. Again, I'm sorry. Prolonged anger is troubling. I FELT old when I was going through it. I just didn't know what to DO with it at the time. I basically took all the junk and threw it in the closet... and that's not a healthy way of dealing with anger.
Oct 26 - 10AM (Reply to #38)
shortway
shortway's picture

Thats ok..I just know how

Thats ok..I just know how much this angst,anger is damaging me..I am having asthma attacks,short of breath, I wake up plotting how I am going to egg his car..constant angst..and It's only hurting me..Just realizing that..I dont want him to control any facet of my life..including me in anger stage..I just dont want him to take another minute of my precious life..or yours or anyones here..Just trying to diffuse OUR anger..Cause god knows we are all ready with our army gear on to kick some serious arse..
Oct 26 - 7PM (Reply to #39)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

Thank you for the first laugh of the day...Egging the car now, that's a classic. I'm not trying to encourage that but don't think I wasn't sitting here saying the odds of him thinking it was ME was the lowest if I waited until Halloween!...LMAO - not gonna do it, but you scare me...LOL Not judging you hun, not at all, not sure if you saw my post on liquid fart... Hugs!
Oct 26 - 7PM (Reply to #40)
shortway
shortway's picture

Hahaha i did see

Hahaha i did see it....Believe me..I thought to myself..If it is just one egg..he will think it will be just a random person in the apartment complex..there are alot of derelect kids..Kinda actually thinking about that..lol.. Scarey....yep...lol...Boooooo!..Happy halloween
Oct 25 - 2PM
shortway
shortway's picture

I'm trying to not be in the

I'm trying to not be in the anger stage or at least grab it and stop it quickyl...only because I feel like I have aged 10 years in the past 2mths...And I need to really concentrate on taking care of myself..I'm not going to let him take my looks too...stress ages us...Let's try to not let them get us looking stresses/anger.aged..i need a spa day!...i wish we could all have a spa day together:)
Oct 25 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Shortway

Lisa Scott posted something today about anger, just thought I'd point you in that direction. While I agree that anger is a bad feeling, I'm learning more and more that repressing it or trying to get past it without really feeling the brunt of it is contraindicative to true healing. Not telling you to go out there and set fire to his house - but not sure if grabbing it and stopping it is the right thing to do unless you are trying to express "channeling" it. That's just my two cents, but this is all new to me too, so I'm not claiming to be the expert here or the pot calling the kettle black. Speaking of black, he really deserves two black eyes and a set of blue balls to match! But I'm not angry...LOL
Oct 25 - 9PM (Reply to #28)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Yes...the emotional impacts the outside

I look like shit. I have dark circles under my eyes, very tired, my skin looks grey! I just look wasted. I need to get my hair done... The house oh boy! I see my fish cursing at me everytime I walk by..."Clean this friggin tank lady get a grip!" The cats are plotting against me. My poor son...but as much as I try to spend time with him, he rejects me anyway. I don't take it personally, he's 13 but I suggest we go for a walk, he doesn't want to - he's talking to his friends on the phone. Really glad he finds me boring. He does know he can come in anytime but right now, we're in our rooms. I do go in his room and he keeps saying "Mom, leave me alone, I'm talking or I'm playing a game." I try my best to explain to him that I'm going through stuff but I'm here for him. Tonight I asked him again, and he said "Yeeeees Mom, I know, and you told me and we have had this conversation, I already told you if I need you I'll come to you. I'm like: I hope you're not covering up your feelings, I don't want you coming back ten years from now saying I neglected you. He's like NO MOM...I'm Fine. Lord I hope he is, I love that boy so much.
Oct 26 - 11PM (Reply to #32)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

Michele

You got my vote, on Halloween go throw that egg, just one, very discreetly. I love halloween, and he is the monster. Do it and enjoy it. Just don't get caught:) and even so, what the hell. I have aged thru this as well but what makes me feel good again is to work out. It is a miracle worker. I used to be 3 or 4 times a week but now I just try to get there. First, it means I actually see other people during the day, and second, it makes me feel like I am fighting. Making ourselves physically stronger directly results in mental strength - I know this to be a fact. If you do not have something in your life now please find something that suits you. It is truly all the difference in feeling like we're fighting the age the N's put on us. It opens a whole new world of good feelings. And do not worry about your son, as long as he knows Mom is there, he will be alright. I worried for a long time, even after some most scary events that the exN was trying to get to him again, but he is the most amazing kid. He trusted his Mom in the end and eluded the N's attempts. Take that one egg on Halloween and go for it. I would say you could even make a youtube of the occasion but that is how everyone gets caught:) almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 26 - 10PM (Reply to #29)
lisarudi
lisarudi's picture

I hear you........

I have a 14 (almost 15) yo son that thinks I talk too much, ask too many questions, and basically make life more difficult than it really is. I have two theories: 1. In spite of being the offspring of a flaming N, I (the stable parent) have managed to show him how to deal with the stressors in life and he has processed the whole ordeal beautifully. 2. He is stuffing every feeling, thought, etc.....and it will come bubbling up in a therapist's office in 10 years. I'm sure it will be my fault. I prefer to believe theory #1. Nothing seems to be a big deal to him. He seems to be able to say "well that sucks" and move on. Teenage boys.........they are almost as hard to understand as our former N's.
Oct 26 - 10PM (Reply to #31)
almostlydia
almostlydia's picture

lisarudi

it was right about that time that I had the most difficulties with my son, but you know what ? it lasted a brief time and was over. He is the most amazing young man now at 20. His sister however was a whole other story. her sh*t went on and on for a long time. but she is pretty amazing herself. Boys, however, are the easiest. Hold on it will pass shortly especially with a good Mom. almostlydia

almostlydia

Oct 26 - 10PM (Reply to #30)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Indeed they are Lisa

I can only pray...LOL
Oct 25 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I'm not sure it ever ends

But it . . . changes. It used to be that thoughts of scratching his eyes out would arrest me, stop me from what I was doing or thinking with their vividness and power. I'd lose my train of thought. I participated on lots of long threads where we'd express some pretty horrid imagery :D and I was sure the mods would come in and lock down the threads and give us all a lecture or warning. I realize now what they were watching was that we were "getting it out", rather than making actual PLANS lol. The threads would degenerate into hilarious absurdity, and include methods of torture that you could only find in a science fiction movies :D . We also took traditional Christmas songs and rewrote them with Narc appropriate lyrics. OK, calm down Michelle, you've probably reworded sixteen of them in your head already :D We always hear that saying "Someday you'll laugh about this". It is absolutely true. Laughter and absurdity are a great healer of anger. That's what I mean by it never goes away . . . it changes. The edges get softer too. Besides being able to see the absurdity and smile or roll your eyes with a dark chuckle, there is a kind of sadness too. Not a break your heart sadness, but simply sadness for a terrible time in your life that you've managed to come to terms with. In all honestly, I imagine if I had to speak with the exN face to face, the anger is THERE, and NOT funny at all at some level. It is just safely "placed" in my psyche, slumbering away peacefully, and as far as I'm concerned, if I never wake it up (read: see him face to face) I will die with it just that way someday.
Oct 25 - 11AM
CarolKittyGale (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Stealing household goods and anger

When I dumped Narc #1 apart for terrorising me for months and then for the next 7 year trying to get his foot in the door he stole towels, quilt, bedding, anything he could get in his car and he hadn't paid for a thing. I think the only thing he bought over the 9 months he live with me was an iron and he smashed that on the floor rather then let me have it. Narc #2 and I have been split for 10 months and NC 9 :-))and just contented his sorry arse with not giving me the petrol money and the money for my Birthday present he owed me. So yes I can understand why you would be angry with guys like this...I wanted to break every bone in their smug face but that has passed and losing the contents of my kitchen and a few £ makes it worth it to get rid of them.
Oct 25 - 11AM
shortway
shortway's picture

Believe me I know..I think

Believe me I know..I think the mornings when I wake are when I conjur up what I could do to him..Then when I start my day,things fizzle out....But today's thoughts were....witing an email to all his 270 FB friends and telling them who he really is,and putting all the text messages in there telling me to die,crash into a tree,bullet in my head"...etc..In a sense outing Mel Gibson..Then I had coffee.. and relxed..lol
Oct 25 - 11AM
hopefuljms
hopefuljms's picture

I want mine destroyed

I want him destroyed both personnally and professionally. We used to work together and I made sure everyone that either worked with him or worked for him for the past 10 years knew what he did to me. To say they were shocked was the understatement but they all did admit to me that they thought he was a tool and the only reason they were nice to him was because of me. How strange, becuase he always told me how everyone just loved him (with the exception of his exwife). The reality was that strangers loved him because he charmed them. Those the new him didn't like him at all. I can't wait for the child bride to finally wise up to the loser she just married. 8 jobs in 10 years!!! She should run while she is still young!
Oct 25 - 10AM
shortway
shortway's picture

BUT I believe he STOLE my

BUT I believe he STOLE my dustpan! A dustpan of all things!!! Yeah the dustpan is baccccckkkkkkkkkk...Love dustpan talk..lol
Oct 25 - 11AM (Reply to #20)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I don't know why shortway

but that dustpan is really causing serious cognitive dissonance...seriously WHO the F..K steals a DUSTPAN? It's not like he could sell it! It was ten years old for crying out loud!
Oct 25 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Dustpan Man

I will always think of him as Dustpan Man, from this point forward :D
Oct 25 - 11AM (Reply to #21)
shortway
shortway's picture

Trusty old dustpan...lol...I

Trusty old dustpan...lol...I guess losers steal dustpans..I gave mine my om's boyfriend's blinds for his disgusting apartment...Because he hangs sheets up as blinds...and he wouldn't give them back!!..I even said my mom's boyfriends wants them back if your not going ot use them..He didnt end up using them...he said " you can find them in the dumpster"....Very nice..My mom actually read that text.She was so mad..We did so much for him..Shows how selfish and evil they are
Oct 25 - 8AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Michele

OMG LMAO! Yep, bash him in the face is about what I would like to do. My friends and my ex husband all say that, too. My ex-husband says, when he sees him at school, "That little pussy needs his face bashed in." My best friend across the street says, "I'd like to pull that pole out of his ass and beat him with it." LOL The anger lasts so long, I guess, because the harm and betrayal and devaluation was so deliberate. This is NOT a "relationship that didn't work out"--this was a deliberate, careless USE of you for whatever he felt like using you for. He lied and said he loved you, lied and said he cared about you, lied and said he wanted you--JUST SO YOU WOULD SUBMIT TO HIM. These people have no regard for our lives, our souls, hearts, minds, families, children, dreams and hopes, plans. They have no respect for our human rights. That's a lot to be angry about, and it's not going away anytime soon, for you or me or any of us. I wonder if anyone has any tips for this? I do fint that punching other stuff helps. There is also a construction site across my alley, and I have been taking all of my chipped dishes and glasses and throwing them against one of the partially finished walls. Definitely feels better, especially when you imagine that it's his skull you are throwing.
Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #18)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

The anger is here too...

I really wasn't allowed to feel it 10 years ago. One of my friends would say "Don't think about him. It only makes you angry." I was JUSTIFIABLY angry. She did come to the light and realize I was abused... and she made the comparison to being molested by a beloved family member. The ex-Psych professor wasn't my lover. He never had sex with me (if he hadn't been a psychopath-here's the kicker-if he had been respectful, honest, kind- YES I would've slept with him) He wasn't my boyfriend. He was my TEACHER. I was supposed to be able to respect, trust him... and my devaluation/betrayal was scripted well in advance. He used me for his needs (whatever they were--not sexual, thank God, because if it had become sexual, I doubt I would be here) He showed no regard for my dreams, my soul, my family- why should I have regard for his? He didn't respect my rights as a human BECAUSE I WAS HIS STUDENT. After the D&D, the ex-P coldly said that he didn't respect students as people. My response was a combination of "Duh" and "it's your problem." Believe me, I have been carelessly and deliberately using him... as comic fodder. If he saw how his "philosophy" has been used to fuel LOLs and ROFLMAOs, he'd probably want to off himself... I KNOW he hated being mocked. He HATED HATED it. Getting his windshield bashed in? That would've rocked his world and given him a raging hard-on. Getting laughed and compared to my infant nephew (in a not flattering way) because my brother in-law&his Dad have the same name? I doubt that went over well. I think it's one of those Narc injuries that cause "Deep hurting."
Oct 25 - 8AM (Reply to #11)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Heldweller

I like your spirit!...you know another thing?...That lousy piece of there isn't even a name... I know I am not CRAZY... BUT I believe he STOLE my dustpan! A dustpan of all things!!! You know, sometimes I say, well why the hell not, why just go all out, get the crazy diagnosis then punch him in the face. If I'm legally insance I can't be accountable for my actions right? In the states, there was this mafiosi who used to show up to court in his bathrobe!...yea, I'll just start walking around in public in my bathrobe...you know, to build the case...hehehehe.... I hope he falls and breaks his fucking back! Lord forgive me - cause they way they scoot through life, it will happen to me...
Oct 25 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Michele, check this out.

You think he stole your dustpan, well I can top that one, my EXN was arguing with me over the refrigerator he gave me when he moved in with me, You see it was his MOTHER'S fridge so it meant the world to him, I thought till the very end when he left because i could no longer take the abuse,he was going to take it and leave me with no fridge, even though he said he was letting me"borrow" the fridge while we lived together, that is something for the books!!!!
Oct 25 - 9AM (Reply to #17)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Kitchen Items

How fitting for lazy SOB's who want nothing to do with the kitchen hey?