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How do you get past this point?

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#1 Aug 13 - 8PM
Swan
Swan's picture

How do you get past this point?

Hi all
I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around just how sick my husband is. He's like "should he be locked up?" sick. Its really hitting me hard right now, even though I have known it for quite some time, I am trying to process all the horrible things he's done and said to me over the years and understand the depth of his evilness. Its overwhelming me. The callousness and spite and lack of human-ness has really got me sick. I feel physically ill today like I might vomit at any given moment. I burst into deep sobs at random intervals. How can this be the same person who I married? How can he be so cold and so disgustingly evil and uncaring? I've seen him handle the garbage better than he's been treating me.

I think I am thinking and feeling way too much. How do you stop this? Make it stop! I feel so disgusting for having cared for this man at all.
I know HE is the one with the serious deep seeded problem but how do I forgive myself for being so- human I guess. For believing in the (nonexistant) good in him?
How do I continue on living feeling like this?
How can I function?

Aug 14 - 2AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

I really relate. I thought I

I really relate. I thought I would truly dies when the truth began to reveal itself. The loss was horrendous, the loss of who I thought he was. We had been married 14 years. I always believed I was the crazy one. Not true. You can do this but you need space to mourn and heal with support and love. A gaping wound never heals if it is continually poked. You are not alone. Hold tight it's a bumpy ride to our new beginning Traci x x
Aug 13 - 11PM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Sweetie

You have to go on. We can go on and be happy again one day and the disordered will never be able to do this! I so know how you are feeling with the nausea. You are having a physical reaction to the hurt that was heaved upon you. This will not last! There is nothing to forgive yourself for! You wanted to believe in the goodness of another human being, we all did. Do you enjoy reading? I have found that reading helps alot with getting these kind of thoughts out of my head, even if I am reading about the subject of N! Be good to yourself. Sending you lots of hugs, Rose
Aug 13 - 8PM
gratefuljen
gratefuljen's picture

I know how you feel!!!

It still amazes me and I am 7 months out. They are truly evil-soulless people. The lie, and manipulate, and then lie some more. They love no one but themselves. Period. End of story. And when we finally figure out what they are, it took me five years. We are in shock, then denial, then shock again. Then the rage stage, you more out of that and you have a little bit of acceptance, and then you back in rage. It's like a roller coaster out of hell. It does get better, but you have to do the work. No contact, no contact. Support, self esteem work. Prayer. I am back in rage. It's been about a month, since I have been felt like I could actually physically hurt him. I understand killing someone. I know that sounds horrible, I would never do it, but I understand when an abused women, kills her husband. It's a good thing he is 1000 miles away, because I don't know what I would do if he were close to me. I hope to move back out of rage soon. Love to all Jen
Aug 13 - 8PM (Reply to #5)
strongblackcoffee
strongblackcoffee's picture

Gratefuljen

"roller coaster out of hell" That sums it up for me better than any other description I could give. Thanks! Peace Coffee
Aug 13 - 8PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Swan

it is such a hideous revelation to realize they were never real, the false mask comes off and reveals the monster who is really them. You might want to consider therapy with a well trained professional who will hep you understand how these freaks of nature work.. there is only so much we can do on our own. Different therapist at different point of my narc relationship helped me so much i cannot tell you and made me realize there is no hope, it was never about me, and they cannot love anyone including their sick, false selves.
Aug 13 - 8PM
ruby01 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Awww,

It's not your fault that he deceived you. And some of them have been practicing and perfecting their act for so many years that it takes awhile to see their dark side. Does he look completely different to you now? I found that once he was really nasty to me it was as if he shape shifted into a really creepy looking monster. I can't stand to look at him. Its like not only do they drop their character mask but their actual physical appearance changes as well. They no longer even smile and their voice becomes very monotone and lifeless. Makes you just want to run!
Aug 13 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
heritage
heritage's picture

Oh God Ruby

I can so relate! His appearnace (face) changed, his voice. It was mind blowing! I seriously did not recognized the real person. His demeanor. I would have never been attracted to his real self. Very mean and evil. What an exhausting way to live. Create a mask and begin acting until it becomes too hard. Sickos!