How soon does the mask drop?

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#1 May 16 - 1PM
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

How soon does the mask drop?

How soon after being married or starting to live together did it take for your narc to drop his mask and reveal his true self?

May 24 - 12PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

When you make mistakes

My former Narc boss was like that within the early weeks of my employment. He was already yelling at me over trivial things, threatening to send me to the welfare lines, and I had barely worked there. He'd be raging at me, and once, I went outside to talk to the DSD (human resources), in tears. The former Narc boss could NOT tolerate that I was making mistakes early on, when I was trying to get the routine. It didn't help that a female Narc, who was a cook AND an alcoholic, acted the same way. She'd pile on. He mocked°raded my previous work experience. I saw my former Narc boss today. I went to the grocery store. I had just parked my car, and I stayed in it till he drove out (he was driving VERY fast for a parking lot) Didn't make eye contact with him, didn't wave. NC was surprisingly easy.
May 24 - 9AM
insectt (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

There's different levels.

There's different levels. There were warning flags from day one but he always sweet talked his way or dimished them with half truths and lods of attention. I have been with mine for four years. We are just housemates now..so I would say after the two year mark for me. But that mask slipping was like a punch in the face. It wasn't 'maybe we'd better off as friends' or 'let's slow down and see what happens'. Nope. It went from "I want to marry you and be with the woman I love" to "You're like a Jason Voorhees in my life that won't go away." in the matter of a month and meeting a new 'The One'. Needless to to say they're not together anymore. And there was a new 'The One' after that. They're not together anymore, either..so obviously his mask slipped sooner for them and they ran for the hills. the second 'The One' only lasted fout months. And he almost moved to another city to be with her!
May 24 - 7AM
gettinghimoutof...
gettinghimoutofmyhead's picture

He's now looking for more supply

After 8 years of the Narc rollercoaster ride, he decided (after my securities were at an all time low) that we "want different things". After professing his love and plans to marry me three times (engaged twice), he decided we were on two separate pages when I brought up the "M" word in January. Oh, and the coward that he is, couldn't face me in person to end it. I got a lovely break-up email that he wanted to split for an undetermied amount of time. We live 5 minutes from each other so I even get to see him working his supply at the local coffee shop. My heart hurts, my soul is deeply wounded. Now he's on Match, saying he "found God", even though we attended weekly service together for years. . . he is now ready to find the "love of his life". Great. I'm thinking of reporting him. His pumped up profile and picture gallery is pathetic. Which is what he is trying to portray the Narc that he is. A priveleged childehood, travel to many exotic far off places, wonderful children (who he sensored from me often to have them all to himself). By never making it to the altar- he had that masterfully calculated, he has excommunicated me from his family and the dog we picked out together. Sucks. I have a daughter who he promised he would try to have a better relationship with. Never happened. She hates him. My family and friends told me to get rid of him long ago but I didn't listen. He promised to make things better, after his fits of rage. I've been scammed by the best. Thanks for having a place so that we can vent. It's like a bad dream. All I can think about is how my heart will sink even more when I hear he is "in love" with another.
May 24 - 7AM (Reply to #32)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Family and friends warned you huh

Well my family did the opposite they encouraged me to keep the peace . Boy I wished I had listened to myself years ago . The narc was showing his horns when we got back together the second time and it hadn't even been a year back together. I should've sent him packing then I've been unhappy with him for years . Whats to miss? Not a damn thing but some fake "love" one week out of the month? He was a rollercoaster ride from hell glad his is gone.
May 24 - 4AM
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

THe signs we all know now

THe signs we all know now began for me in days...mood swings, cruel comments followed by passionate compliments, other women... The big blow up came within 5 months of him leaving his ex wife and saying he loved me. He came to a party at my home, with many (law enforcement) employees where he accused me of "flirting" with his best friend and he threw a drink at me, pushed me and attacked two others, then waived his gun as if he would shoot others. Needless to say he lost his job, later the day after he was arrested he also admited he had been sleeping with his ex wife whom had herpes ( i did NOT get btw lol) but even then, when i was the victim and he did wrong I still took him back and he made it all about him Looks silly when i see all of that in writing, but I feel ya, we somehow cannot believe that these men are fake. They will die pathetic, alone and thrill seeking. People like us will find, and deserve, real love.
May 24 - 5AM (Reply to #25)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

Money makes the world go around

I'm a bit depressed this morning. On one hand, I feel like my narc and OW deserve each other. She looks to be someone who has had money all her life, a lucrative career, a thriving business, luxurious house in the country...my narc who is over his head in debt is clearly attracted because the woman does have money. She may even be a narc too for all I know. They can travel and do whqtever they want, no problem. Whether a love relationship or not, they click. She apparently does not mind he wants her money, and she has plenty to give. Both, self-centered, self-absorbed and feeding off each other! My self-esteem has taken a hit on all fronts. I'll never have the kind of money this woman can take for granted, and I'm not sure I would even want to try. Right now, I've got a lot of work to do to improve/change my life...yes, I want something better, and I've had it with narcs! How do those of you who's narc it seems found a higher standard of living with someone else handle it? I really want to know!
May 24 - 9AM (Reply to #30)
Smitten Kitten (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I'm not handling it all that well.

I too am feeling depressed the past few days and I just want to get the Hell over him. Mine dumped me overnight at the end of January for the new GF that he plans to marry shortly after his divorce is finalized in September. Now she doesn't have a lot of money or wealth, but she's already "better" supply for the sake of convenience, his community image, and fitting in with his immediate family, although I don't think his kids are going to approve at all. Here's what she has to "offer" that I don't: 1. She lives 15 minutes away and is already divorced. I live on the other side of the country and I'm married. 2. He and his family have known her all her life and they grew up together, so his family loves her, her family loves him, and supposedly wanted them to get married when they were younger. Now they have a second chance. 3. She's very religious and attends church every Sunday. He CLAIMS to be very religious and USED to attend church with his family until he separated from his wife a year ago. So they share the same beliefs and he's attending church with her again (I'm Agnostic), which he says is very important to him. I would believe this from someone else but he is a total hypocrite. 4. She has a house that she still lives in with her ex-husband. Divorced for 5 years but still sharing a house due to finances that's been on the market for a while but not selling. 5. ExN has been living with parents for past year while wife and kids still live in the house he pays all the bills on. As part of divorce settlement, wife will get the house and everything in it, in exchange for no alimony payments from him. 6. All this time living with his parents, he has not had any money saved up to even get his own apartment because all of it still goes to his family's household and pays for everything, including large credit card debt. Up until new GF came on the scene, he wasn't even initiating divorce proceedings because there was "no motivation" (his words) even though we had initially talked about me moving there so we could be together. During the final D&D he talked about how he would be struggling for the next few years starting over and getting back on his feet, which I was fully aware of. So now I'm thinking, hmmm.... If he marries her shortly after his divorce is final in September, where are they going to live? I guess he can afford an apartment then if he's not making mortgage payments. But I'm thinking that her house will somehow come into play, either when it sells and half of her half of the money will be his (community property state), OR he will finagle some way to move in there with her and get the ex-husband to move out and in with his girlfriend.
May 24 - 6AM (Reply to #26)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I think I'm in the same position

The way I handle it is think like this she got her status and money from her husband. Mines is dealing with a married whore who got her status and way of life from being married. I believe she is still married and her and her husband still live under the same roof. She wouldn't have all this stuff if it wasn't for that lifestyle. And then look at it this way she is a big fool. Who wants to pay for companionship? I mean really who is going to do that and feel good about themselves in the morning but someone who is obviously stupid? soaper girl are you going to pay for that old jerk to be with you i mean really and then be happy about yourself everyday just to say he is there with you ? Think about this now? I mean really analyze this my narc's married woman told me she is already tired of his "woe is me" act but she still begged , pleaded , and bribed him with money to come back to prove a point to me i'm guessing. I don't care what she did really anymore , I don't give a damn about her anymore . I think I'm at the indifference stage because she can have him I'm not willing to stoop that low for what ? A MAN . A AZZHOLE MAN AT THAT! In the end this woman is going to feel like an azz for paying for that old man he is so not worth it. Old geezer does he still have all his teeth? lol
May 24 - 7AM (Reply to #27)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

That's true. Seems like the act of a desperately lonely woman

I get the feeling neither one of them have much pride. It all seems to boil down to having money. Being willing to buy a "man" (I use the term, loosely!) or selling yourself to a woman for money. Either way, sounds pathetic to me.
May 24 - 7AM (Reply to #28)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

Yeah I mean if she is okay

Yeah I mean if she is okay babysitting his old azz let her. She is less of a woman than most thats for sure.
May 24 - 8AM (Reply to #29)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

She is less of a woman than most thats for sure.

True! I did a match.com search this morning. Looks like both blocked me from view their profiles since I'm sure they are aware I know of their profiles by now. Yet, where she is, there doesn't seem to be that many in the way of promising men. I did found several women looking for men though in her area and they are very attractive women so she's got some tough competition where she is! So! Looks like she's settling for whatever she can get, and having only "things" to offer, the quality of men she finds must be pretty poor if she can only get a narc desperate to be rescued from his debts and needing her money! My narc is now a manwhore! He's for sale to the highest bidder! What amazes me is you'd think a half way decent/attractive looking woman would/could find a man in her own back yard. I still find a number of available men in my own area who are accomplished and attractive, but I'm just not that attracted to them. I've never been a beggar and I won't start now! My profiles are hidden at this writing. For now, I've decided to cool it and study all my available options. I won't be offering money or great lifestyle. Just me. That's all I've ever had to offer even to the narc who gave me money and bought me things, and paid some of my bills! Now he's obviously looking to cash in with her! Totally pathetic IMO. Online dating sites seem to be a good way to go, but not without a great deal more planning and preparation to find exactly what I want. I'm having to go back and rethink a lot of things. Looks like i'm going to have put together a marketing plan, Do some niche and mass marketing, package and brand myself. And last, but not least I plan to work on my psychological aspects that probably could be better like finding some self-esteem of my own. Hell! I don't know. Flying by the seat of my pants these days. Let those two freaks devour each other. Sad situation but not my problem.
May 23 - 9PM
ifinallygotit
ifinallygotit's picture

signs were there from day one

I ignored them because i was really not all that interested in him and did not care that he was being superficial. I do remember being disappointed that he seemed so excited about me and then did little to back it up - I figured he must have a GF and was just having fun flirting with me and left it at that. But after about 3 years we grew much closer and started going together. I really can't remember the first time he was evil to me but I think it was silent treatment out of no where, no fight or anything - has a super fun day, he washed my car for me, gave me a huge hug and kiss and then disappeared for maybe a month can't remember - just had no idea what was going on - he did not seem to have any insight either and called hinself a knuckle head!
May 24 - 7AM (Reply to #22)
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

THEY'RE CHILDREN ! Mines as

THEY'RE CHILDREN ! Mines as soon as he meets someone or sees something someone else has ie. friends with submissive wives or friends who wives are the breadwinners thats when the degrading or ignoring would start. Its like you're useless why can't I have a wife that takes care of me like such and such. I still don't know why he wanted me so bad I think it was because when he met me I was hotstuff and alot of guys expressed at the job how hot I was. So that must've been when he noticed me. I guess he used me to get high fives from the guys or get some envy I guess. Because I was never the type that would be the way he likes women to be. I don't know why he came back the second time either. I think it was to try to mold me into what he wanted out of a wife. I'm not that easy to bend or break and he should know this from being with me all these years. I guess thats why I'm the bitch who treated him like shit for years. I wouldn't uphold his little commands "awww poor baby" it must've been torture.
May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #23)
dudette
dudette's picture

ha ha yes this cracks me up

Mine picked up a compulsion for the ironing of school unforms from me and used to berate his ex-wife for not doing it... I bet that every sunday afternoon, new GF has to iron 5 sets of school uniforms for his son without relalizing the source of the compulsion LOL
May 20 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

As soon as my grandfather died...

This was my freshman year of college, first time VERY far from home. As soon as my grandfather died, the ex-Psych prof (he was my freshman lab prof) went around saying he wanted me to drop dead, raged at me during class, urge me to commit suicide, saying things like "if you're so unhappy, why don't you kill yourself?" When I read one of his essays online, he got paranoid, claiming I violated his privacy. When he told me he was writing a book, I told my friends... he started a smear campaign claiming I was crazy. He'd constantly demonize me if I expressed my needs, saying I needed to be humbled. He demonized me because I was mourning my grandfather. He'd compare himself&I to Leo&Sofia Tolstoy, talking about marriage&kids when I BARELY KNEW HIM. He triangulated me against a fellow female classmates... she has since passed away. Sadly, during the final D&D, I dreamt that this female classmate (who stayed behind to be a professor) and I reconciled. That will never happen, not in this lifetime... or perhaps it was a resolution on the astral plane. The final D&D my senior year was its explosive end.
May 20 - 6AM
itsallgood
itsallgood's picture

One year which was after we

One year which was after we were engaged and we moved in together.
May 20 - 6AM
dulte
dulte's picture

A month

And wow accepting this is hard. I chose to close my eyes before a truth that was shown to me from the beginning. The night of our first monthaversary as gf and bf he brought me a card, flowers and chocolates. We had an amazing evening together and the next morning he broke up with me saying "the feeling was too intense and he didn't know how to handle it." I cried a little bit, but nt really.. I wasn't hooked yet and he saw that. He run back to me with the "I'm sorry, I love you" three days later, I took him back. After that he'd brake up with me every so often, and slowly started to show his manipulative ways. It wasn't until after we got married -and I mean literally a week later- that the mask completely fell off, prince charming was off duty and his true masochist controlling self was in.. I spent the next year wondering what I did wrong and trying to get nice guy back.. I believe mask comes off once they see you are completely hooked.
May 17 - 11AM
cowgirl1
cowgirl1's picture

about a month...

Mine was showing signs (that if I could go back in time I would have known) from day ONE. The overt stuff began about 3 months into it though. He came to my house when I had the flu, I thought to check on me, instead demanded sex and left. I was hospitalized that night for Carbon Monoxide poisioning (new water heater installed incorrectly was leaking) and he never even came to check on me or called. He later talked to me and said 'sorry'. From there the flowers stopped, the compliments and conversations ended and there was silence, cruel jokes at my expense and only taking, never giving despite my tears.
May 17 - 9AM
carol24
carol24's picture

4 months in.

Mine dropped his mask for the first time after 4 months. We had got back from a club late at night and he was supposed to be staying at my place. I told him I felt ill and he suddenly said that he had a headache and left very abruptly. (He had been laughing and joking only moments before). I think he just couldn't cope with illness. That was the first sign. The second time was about a month later. We were on a day out somewhere where neither of us had been before and we got lost. I couldn't read the map and he went mad at me, told me how useless I was and then gave me the silent treatment. The third time was about a month after the second. We were away for a few days and I became ill with an infection. He refused to take me to a doctor and treated me as if I was nothing but a nuisance for stopping him from having a good time. He suggested that I make my way home alone so that he could enjoy himself without the hassle of me.
May 16 - 5PM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

The mask

The mask fell off after 3 months, but by then I was already hooked. He was very good at what he does and he was a master manipulator. I was in a very dark place when he came into my life and I truly believe that he knew it. He is a predator and I knew nothing about PDI'S even though i knew something was not right about him. He proposed to me after 2-3 months of dating. (Huge Red Flag)

victimnomore

May 16 - 4PM
findingmeagain
findingmeagain's picture

I would have to say some days

I would have to say some days but i thought it was just a disagreement. my narc was more of the rollercoaster type. One day nice next day not talking to you or always seemed to be in deep thought. i will say that after about 4 months he was showing himself but i didn't have a clue . he would badmouth me to strangers. i bet its a bunch of ppl i don't know that know some lies or some personal things about me. living with him was like living with one of the meangirls . he loves to talk about his women behind their back what i notice is how he never would tell me anything about them but would talk crap about me. i think i figured out why because he knows talking too much to me i will analyze and fill in the blanks pretty good. he also knows talking about other women with me is something i don't stand for. he gets women who are cool with him being in a relationship.
May 16 - 2PM
terri
terri's picture

Immediately

but in the beginning, I had NO CLUE about what was in store for me. I knew nothing about NPD and the first clues were just brushed aside as "strange behaviors". They made me pause for thought, but I was so in love that I made excuses and expected everything to be OK in time. Looking back now, enlightened by all of my newfound knowledge about narcs, I can honestly say that the very first month, he was giving plenty of narc alerts. I bet that if everyone of us could remember back to the very beginning, now that we know what to look for, we can say that the signs have always been there.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

May 17 - 10AM (Reply to #13)
peace11
peace11's picture

Same here..

If i knew then what i know now.. the red flags are immediate. My bullshit-o-meter is on high alert now.
May 16 - 2PM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

four months

He was wonderful, but a four months, he started pushing my boundaries sexually. Actually, He hurt my feelings really bad. I was totally hurt and confused. Once, I got over my feelings being hurt, oh boy look out the mind games came on full force. He showed up at a local club where my gf, my husband and I were. He demanded that the leave with him right then and there. When I refused, then he d&d me the first time. Two weeks later, he showed up at the club yet again with a old GF. Trying to make me jealious.. He was doing that stare that he does. I ignored him and never made eye contact. My gf told me stared at me all night. And his Crazy Gf followed me everywhere. If I went into the restroom she followed me.. If I went outside she followed me... UGh... Talk about games... Now, his guy friends are following me everywhere. Two weekends in a row that they show up and sit behind me. If I go on the dance floor they go up and try to dance with me.. Think this is called c%&* blocking, in the N's world.. I know I am sick of it, but I refuse to change my life because of his mind games...
May 16 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

He started being his true

He started being his true self after 3 months. I had no clue what he was or what was happening and blamed myself. Wish I would have known then what I know now. Lesson Learned!!
May 16 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

There were moments all

There were moments all through the idealization stage where his mask slipped. He'd usually pull it back on pretty quick though and charm his way back into my favor, so I ignored those times - argh! The first obvious D&D happened about 5 months into the relationship when we went on a trip together. By then he not only knew I was hooked emotionally, but also since we were in a foreign country he knew I wouldn't just to go off alone and leave him. Up until then I attributed the minor devaluation (at about 4 months in) as him just being moody and me just being too sensitive because it began at the same time that we both quit smoking.

Journey on...

May 16 - 1PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

Mask started coming off during the first week....

he was already involved so I was one of his OW. I guess because of this, he didn't feel the need to keep his mask securely on. I feel cheated. Had I known the game, I would have played it better in the beginning and prolonged the idealization phase.
May 16 - 2PM (Reply to #7)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I hear that! Feeling a bit blue this afternoon.

hahaha. Yeah, me too. 'cept these guys don't play fair. If they told us, we might also bring out our bag of tricks. I've been working on a few tricks of my own. I've got him on Cheaterville now (http://cheaterville.com/?page=cheaters&id=3184), and he's getting a lot of hits, and I'm finding out there's a lot of people out there who know him or of him, and absolutely detest him for his behavior... he's the subject on several sites apparently, where people are tracking him and taking note of the ways of his treated innocent trusting women over the years. They have no more use for the bastard than I do. He's also on my blogspot. It helps me by serving as my diary, where I put all my crappy feelings on it, and let it all fly. Does it hurt him? I doubt it. It's not likely, nor It doesn't need to. I'm just looking to heal, and it makes me feel better knowing there's a lot of people out there who have been highly sympathetic and supportive to me and think he's absolutely despiccable and a dirtbag! I'm feeling a little blue this afternoon. Part of me was wanting to take things out on men in general out there for his behavior. Nah, I won't even if I could. It's just a temporary blue mood, and it will pass. I'm needing to get out of the house, get to the bank and update my resume, apply for a few more jobs, and get my laundry hung up. Oh well.
May 23 - 8PM (Reply to #8)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Tenure as punishment

I think, in a sense, the ex-Psych prof thought his behavior would get him fired... he could play the victim game... and move on to new turf for fresh prey. Tenure immobilized him. His colleagues KNEW and SAW how he treated me, especially during the final D&D.... there is no escape. An insect on flypaper is luckier. He's like Brer Rabbit with the tar baby. He cannot escape his past. The female prof who knew how he mistreated me is now his boss... she's been Dean (ever since the D&D, or around that time) He has to see the colleague who went to grad school with him (and hates his guts) every day. No wonder he has to go home to Mommy and Daddy... his parents LIVE WITH HIM. Karma is nice, isn't it?
May 16 - 2PM (Reply to #6)
SoaperGirl
SoaperGirl's picture

I hear that! Feeling a bit blue this afternoon.

hahaha. Yeah, me too. 'cept these guys don't play fair. If they told us, we might also bring out our bag of tricks. I've been working on a few tricks of my own. I've got him on Cheaterville now (http://cheaterville.com/?page=cheaters&id=3184), and he's getting a lot of hits, and I'm finding out there's a lot of people out there who know him or of him, and absolutely detest him for his behavior... he's the subject on several sites apparently, where people are tracking him and taking note of the ways of his treated innocent trusting women over the years. They have no more use for the bastard than I do. He's also on my blogspot. It helps me by serving as my diary, where I put all my crappy feelings on it, and let it all fly. Does it hurt him? I doubt it. It's not likely, nor It doesn't need to. I'm just looking to heal, and it makes me feel better knowing there's a lot of people out there who have been highly sympathetic and supportive to me and think he's absolutely despiccable and a dirtbag! I'm feeling a little blue this afternoon. Part of me was wanting to take things out on men in general out there for his behavior. Nah, I won't even if I could. It's just a temporary blue mood, and it will pass. I'm needing to get out of the house, get to the bank and update my resume, apply for a few more jobs, and get my laundry hung up. Oh well.