I have a question for everyone about the Narc RAGE.

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#1 Mar 3 - 11AM

titta22

I have a question for everyone about the Narc RAGE.

I've read a lot about the RAGE they show when you do not go along with their plans. Now i know a lot of you ladies on here have been physically abused and there are those who were not. But for those who were not, did you see the RAGE from your narc?

It took a couple of years for my exN to show me the RAGE. Once it happened it became more frequent. It was almost as if i was always on guard waiting for the next RAGE from him. Always walking on eggshells. Always a nervous wreck.

#2 Mar 8 - 5PM

almostlydia

they say that walking on

they say that walking on eggshells is symptomatic of an abusive relationship. I would say that this is true and that the moment you begin to feel that this is your life, it is time to seriously rethink. The other rage I found to be very interesting is the rage that they produce in us. I have read they produce a rage unlike any other and I can attest that this is true. I have never wanted to hit or attack anyone in my life the way I did this man. I had actually picked up beer bottles or other things to go after him. The rage they create is unbelievable. I knew I could never own a gun while I was with him for fear i would use it on him in the most outrageous fits of rage unimagined before. Walking on eggshells is a major red flag. Listen to it.

almostlydia

#3 Mar 8 - 8PM (Reply to #44)

IncognitoBurrito

Lydia

i felt this way with both my mother and father, every single day, growing up. My mother had wild mood swings, and emotional outbursts. She seemed to feel overwhelmed by her emotions. Low self-esteem, she contemplated suicide. My father was on the violent, aggressive/grandiose side of unpredictable. It was explosive, being a child in that home. I got the brunt of all of it. Oddly, they never really lashed out much at one another. Their bitterness toward one another was under the surface, more seething. It was thorough conditioning, which set me up for later. I'm STILL teaching myself how CALM DOWN and just BE in the moment. How to not go from 0-60 at "GOOOOO!" Red flag is right! Walking on eggshells IS NOT NORMAL.

#4 Mar 6 - 11AM

OnlyChild49 (not verified)

Tizzies!!

Yes, I termed my N's rage "tizzies" and they showed up approximately 9 months after our RL stated. They tended to happen after a disagreement and sometimes led into several hours of listening to him "talk" or whatever you want to call it. Actually they were tantrums. He was a retired special ed teach and on several occasions, I was "dismissed" from his presence in my own home as he didn't want to discuss our issues any more. After a while, I gave up trying to resolve situations. I just kept my mouth shut - it made no difference to say anything. I tried very hard to please him or figure out another way of doing things so he wouldn't go there again. You know how that turned out!!! He was not physically abusive, but I didn't totally trust him in that area. I knew he had done something physical to his EX. I was feeling badly and left the room. He ran, got in front of me so I couldn't pass him. I reached out to put on my on his arm and he said "Don't touch me" so I dropped my hand. Then I asked him to please let me pass and he stepped out of the way. His behavior was unsettling, it was after dark and I live in a rural somewhat isolated area so it scared me. I once walked in front of him in my own kitchen and it set him off. He would not only talk, but act out his feelings like he was on stage. My therapist termed it Trauma and Drama. What a waste of time along with being exhausting!!!

#5 Mar 6 - 10AM

shyloh

Apparently I "pushed my N's

Apparently I "pushed my N's buttons" and was "defiant". i saw scarey ass rage many times. Road rage, chased after me and punched walls and doors when I locked myself in a room. Head but me, pulled a gun and threatenned to shoot my tire if I left (while I was pregnant). Threatened to kill our dog, threw our other dog out in the snow by picking him up by his skin, threw food on me, grabbed me by my neck and when I said "dont get abusive", said "thats not abusive, abusive would be if I slit your throat and buried you deep deep in the ground", nice huh?? Believe it or not, I was always in denial that he would hurt me and wasnt very physically scared of him (more emotionally scared), but once he threatened to slit my throat -then denied that was what he meant and that it wasnt a direct threat-i hired an attorney:/ so yes some of them rage

#6 Mar 5 - 5PM

MandyM

Fortunately, mine never

Fortunately, mine never raged. We would argue, and he would get angry, but I'd argue right back at him and it never got worse than that. I never once felt threatened by him or that I should be in fear of him, not even now. However, he does have a temper. He got into a lot of fights growing up, and even as an adult, always with other men. He bragged about having won physical fights with his brother after they were grown. He would talk about arguments with his father that drove him to the brink. To the best of my knowledge, he never took a swing at his dad, but it was clear that he would get angry enough that I suppose anything is possible. Try as I might, I can't picture him ever getting violent with a woman. Maybe that's my naivete, but while my gut tells me (and told, when I ignored it) certain things about him that proved to be true, I've never, ever once felt that he would ever be with women the way he always was with men. He's a lying, cheating asshole, yes, but violent towards women? Threatening? No.

#7 Mar 5 - 9PM (Reply to #38)

strongerthanever

My exN was the same way. He

My exN was the same way. He knew not to cross that line. He would punch walls, throws things, but was worse with his sister. His brother is a up and moving cop in Spokane, WA and so is his sister-in-law. He isn't stupid and won't do that to the family but, he does disrespect the women in the family to the point where the sis and mom told me to tell him, "dont you dare talk to me that way" because that is what they say to him. If I was to think that he ISN'T this way with his childbride and woman he was only dating for maybe 8 months when they married, I kick myself in my own arse to remind myself that pathological disordered men do not change. My exNH hit, slapped, pushed me. He was also on crack behind my back. Whether he is like that today with his current wife, I have no idea and really don't care. It sucks to think for one second that you brought this out in the person. My exN sister told me he was miserable with me. Nice! Thanks! Ever thought it went both ways and maybe because I was not happy, chatty, a joy to be around was because of how he emotionally abused me and my son? The guessing, the walking on eggshells, the gaslighting...the family makes excuses for him. It was my fault, it was his depression, it was his hate for being a special ed teacher, it is his sons mother pushing the buttons and wanting him out of her sons life, and so on.

#8 Mar 6 - 3PM (Reply to #39)

OnlyChild49 (not verified)

Special Ed Teacher??

My N guy friend of two years was a retired special ed teacher with depression also. Hmmmm......that's interesting!! His sister and brother-in-law have doctrates in psychology, but I didn't get the opportunity to chat with them about his behavior. Didn't know about N until we were over.

#9 Mar 6 - 9PM (Reply to #40)

strongerthanever

It is interesting that they

It is interesting that they have teaching, special ed even, and depression! I read your post and was shocked! My exN family told me he suffered depression from teenage yrs and it got worse when his sons mother was trying to get him out of their lives. He spent over 30k and some of it was his mothers and brothers money he borrowed, to fight her in court. He did have episodes in college with his 5 yr gf where he was depressed, rocked for hours, shades drawn and wanted to kill himself. He told his family after our breakup that he would have if I wasn't in his life helping him during 2 really dark periods. He never told me that. he said I "pushed his buttons" too. No...I was holding him accountable and questioned many things. That is what he considers pushing his buttons. When he is being challenged. His mother once told me that I was the only one to do so. I dont know if his now wife does or not. If she does, she has just started the long road to a divorce in his mind. It is over for him and he will use her until he has another soft landing or is more financially secure. It is just a matter of time till she is on the other end of his rages. Till he blows when her girls are not behaving or irritating him. EVERYONE was on their best behavior during the first 6 months of the relationship. I bet once that ring went on, his mask began to really crack. Oh to be a fly on the wall.

#10 Mar 5 - 9PM (Reply to #37)

michele115 (not verified)

MandyM

The narc in my life initially had me convinced HE was the domestic violence victim. For the most part, no I wasn't scared of mine either? But that last final blow... I saw that rage... It made me fear for my life... It's in there...but again...if we're good enough at walking on the eggshells, and being good pretzels... No real reason for them to bring it out... AND yes, I argued with mine and was assertive too...but if generally you follow the rules of fighting fair...I found it didn't set mine off... BUT one night..yes, I saw it... It's there...

#11 Mar 4 - 4PM

Susan32

Rage after the lecture

This would be 15 years ago, when I first met the ex-Psych prof. He gave his first lecture. He practically raged during the Q&A session, because students asked... probing questions. If he could answer with a fact (like when a book was written) or a quote, he was fine. It was those "why" questions that set him off. He was pacing back forth, raging. He'd snap "Read the book!" It ended with him having a meltdown... and summarily telling everybody to go away. It was quite a shock. He hated the Q&A sessions after lectures, because students were questioning their teachers. He thought it was disrespectful. Thank goodness there's a community college here in CA that's literally across the street from a mental hospital... I know a venue to book for him... His rage shocked my fellow freshmen. They were like "What's wrong with him?"

#12 Mar 4 - 3PM

PumpKyn80

I remember when my ExN told

I remember when my ExN told me he would call me back and of course he did not. He then text me the next day asking how I was and everything, I was mad at him but I responded to him cordially. Then he asked if I was mad at him and told him I was, and boy the cursing began rage and anger..I was thinking to myself WTF??? He was basically mad at me for being mad at him. SICK!!!!

#13 Mar 5 - 2PM (Reply to #33)

Susan32

Not calling back...

The ex-Psych prof would do the SAME THING when I was a student in his class, freshman lab. I'd ask him to call me back, leave my number, and he'd *NEVER* call back. He'd always say that he was busy. Sometimes I wondered if it was because I had a crush on him, or if he did it with everyone. (I'd see him ignore his colleagues if they called him by his first name instead of as "Mr. T---") He was my essay advisor for three years, NEVER called back. But I did get crank calls till my senior year... when he didn't have my number. "He was basically mad at me for being mad at him"-The ex-P would accuse me of "lashing out in anger" and "not managing my feelings" because I'd react angrily in class when he'd mock me on account of my grief at the loss of my grandfather. He'd do the same thing. Blow a fuse because I was angry at him. At some points, it's a twisted mirroring. They'll reflect our good behaviors (when it is to their advantage), and other times, they embody our rage. During the final D&D, the ex-P would be saying "I'm embarrassed/I'm offended/I'm disappointment" when *I* was the one who had those feelings. It's like I was bottled up... and he was exploding like a soda bottle when it's been shaken. I think what weirded him out was after the final D&D when I was the calm one, explaining his actions, talking like a therapist... and he was the one raging. To top it off, I was smiling, so he found it creepy. Considering that the senior skit openly mocked his cowardly behavior&his tendency to run away---he probably thinks I was the game-playing, mind-screwing Narc the whole time. It was only after the final D&D that I do think I inflicted Narc injuries deeply&on purpose.... and acted like I was relishing it. It left him with distinct unease. Ns/Ps don't like victims having the upper hand. They want their victims devastated, heartbroken... and not only I had figured out his game, I was playing to win.

#14 Mar 6 - 11AM (Reply to #34)

PumpKyn80

Susan...

"He'd do the same thing. Blow a fuse because I was angry at him. At some points, it's a twisted mirroring. They'll reflect our good behaviors (when it is to their advantage), and other times, they embody our rage. During the final D&D, the ex-P would be saying "I'm embarrassed/I'm offended/I'm disappointment" when *I* was the one who had those feelings. It's like I was bottled up... and he was exploding like a soda bottle when it's been shaken" Yes! I can relate. I also notice they project their negative feelings on to us. For example, my ExN was insecure and after while I became insecure in the "relationship" because of how he was behaving. He even "lectured" me and said I was insecure when it was really him that was insecure from the very beginning but he projected all of that on to me. Oh, it really burns me up when I think about how he "lectured" me, like he was so innocent and I was the one insecure and crazy, when it was him being manipulative.

#15 Mar 4 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

IncognitoBurrito

To Pumkyn

Because you don't have the right to expect that he's going to call when he says he'll call, or that he'll do what he said he would do. In fact, you have so little right to hold him accountable for what he, himself, says, that he can get MAD at you when he messes up? Would you deal with that garbage, from a girlfriend? Hell no. You'd ask "WTF happened, I thought you'd call. Are you alright?" And if she flaked on you, more than once, you could just find a new friend. Incredible.

#16 Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

Lisa E. Scott

Pumkyn

Yes! Again, great advice IcognitoBuritto: "Because you don't have the right to expect that he's going to call when he says he'll call, or that he'll do what he said he would do. In fact, you have so little right to hold him accountable for what he, himself, says, that he can get MAD at you when he messes up." They have us so brainwashed that we actually buy in to this for awhile, but stop and think about it like IB asked "Would you deal with that garbage from a girlfriend?" Hell no! Don't let them get away with this! Their rage is terrifying. The first time I realized how bad it was occurred when we were on the toll road and got rear-ended by some college girls who were too busy dancing and singing to their music to pay attention to the flow of traffic. He got out of the car and raged at them like he raged at me. These girls were shaking....terrified...could hardly speak. I remember thinking, "Wow, they sure can't handle him." But what I SHOULD have been asking myself is "Why am I putting up with this treatement?!!!!" It's so unbelievable how they brainwash us to accept such treatment. We need to forgive ourselves for putting up with emotional abuse. They manipulate us and we must remember this as we recover.

#17 Mar 4 - 4PM (Reply to #30)

PumpKyn80

Lisa....

"But what I should have been asking myself is "Why am I putting up with this treatement?!!!!" It's so unbelievable how they brainwash us to accept such treatment. We need to forgive ourselves for putting up with emotional abuse. They manipulate us and we must remember this as we recover." Lisa, looking back on what I put up with it still bothers me to this day that I put up with this kind of treatment especially because I can honestly say that he was not all that great to me even in the beginning...red flags from the start. Makes me feel like I was desperate to settle for someone who I knew was not right for me, but then also turned out to be emotionally abusive.

#18 Mar 4 - 7PM (Reply to #31)

Lisa E. Scott

Pumpykin

No, please do not beat yourself up for this. It is the worst thing you can do right now. It is critical that you understand you were brainwashed. I'm serious: You were brainwashed into doubting everything, including your own judgment. Hope this helps: http://www.lisaescott.com/2010/11/15/crazymaking-behavior-narcissist You did nothing wrong! Forgive yourself, first and foremost. xoxo

#19 Mar 5 - 4AM (Reply to #32)

PumpKyn80

Thank you, Lisa! :)

#20 Mar 3 - 2PM

exhausted

Yes! I didn't have physical

Yes! I didn't have physical abuse either but I know the walking on eggshells feeling. I remember every morning as I was getting ready for work thinking that today is the day we are going to get in a fight because things have been going good. We would have big blow outs every week and looking back on it they were about nothing. He would get mad because I went to a bar and then I would spend 2 days telling him how much I love him and can't live without him. He would take me back and then the cycle would repeat. I just realized how pathetic that relationship was as I read what I just typed. We should be with someone who talks through issues, not fight like babies.

#21 Mar 3 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

gettinbetter

yes exhausted I had the same

yes exhausted I had the same thing. We would have about 10 days or so when things were good. I would stay over and I would think ok maybe this is maybe were finally getting past the BS and then wham a big blow up. It was in the fear of intimacy. I hate to be graphic but I remember when I used to discuss things with him in the morning I would be peeing on the potty and he would be shaving and the first time that happened he was horrified. He came to get used to it but it was not at all comfortable for him at first. I was never allowed to go to a bar that was the one thing that would send him into a rage. One time I came out of bar and he was sitting in the parking lot waiting and he had the most furious look on his face and it was 2 am. He was never the stalker if anything it was me that was the stalker but when it came to me being in a bar he would rage and say "MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT HANGING OUT IN A BAR PERIOD" never mind he went all the time. I can now it for what it was. It was about his own insecurity. He had me so beat down then that I felt he was better than me but now that I look back I can really see it was him that felt inferior to me. He was so worried that one night I was gonna meet someone and he would lose control of me.

#22 Mar 4 - 2AM (Reply to #26)

agnesmurphy17

Cycling

Mine cycled every 7-10 days. Anything would trigger him. I didn't respond to his greeting fast enough (he was an hour late for dinner & I fell asleep on the sofa & did not hear). Weekends were horrible because of "unstructured" time. He couldn't handle intimacy. He is a university professor -- school breaks were also massive scenes (so much for Christmas). Our last x-mas I wanted to invite people for the day. He had to organize his books & didn't want any distractions. I told him, "Fine where does that leave me? You organize your books. You don't have to do anything. When we have dinner, if you like, you can come down & join us for food & then leave. If you don't want to eat, fine." He went WILD. Really got physical for the first time. I tried to leave (rented an apartment)--but I got sucked back into his promises & remained another 6 months. He was furious that I tried to leave. For the remainder of my time there, he referred to my reaction to his physical aggression in this matter: "What YOU put me through over your Christmas trauma, or whatever it was." The last 6 months were horrible. He was losing control. becoming fragmented & disorganized. It was terrifying. There were rarely any good times because I was realizing that he was a very dangerous, personality-disordered individual. The eggshell thing.

#23 Mar 3 - 3PM (Reply to #24)

Susan32

He fought like a baby....

And he was 15 years MY SENIOR! Old enough to be my father! The ex-Psych professor throws tantrums like my year old nephew... except with my nephew it's understandable. A toddler can't talk through issues or discuss things in a mature way. During the final D&D, the ex-P would slam empty chairs in the computer lab, and when I asked him why he was so angry, it was because I had acted "inappropriately." When I asked him what I had DONE, he'd go blank on me. All he'd say was that I was supposed to keep my distance emotionally... and that was such a non-answer. The ex-P's father and my brother in-law have the same name. I'm sure the ex-P's father and my brother in-law could open up a couple of beers and talk about how their sons are so similar. Except one is a tenured professor, and the other only just started walking. The only difference is AGE.

#24 Mar 3 - 2PM

michele115 (not verified)

RAGE

The Narc was an Aries...my mother was an Aries...I did not know about PDI's...I thought it had to do with being an Aries. My mom had a very bad temper...I can't say she's a PDI and I do believe and understand that she was a victim of abuse and neglect as a child and probably very traumatized by that but nonetheless, her being a victim left her in a very poor spot to be a nurturing parent. I suffered a lot of pain dealing with that as well, as the Narc situation brought a lot of things to the forefront all at once...dad dying/abandonment issues and not really feeling good enough/worthy/low self esteem/lack of nurturing/verbal abuse etc. by my mom. In terms of my mom...I am at a place of understanding and forgiveness...It hurts, it's had it's affect but I do feel that she is truly sorry, and is still very much a frightened traumatized, hurt little girl and so I can have compassion and empathy...but when she starts up...hmmmm...but I can understand it I do believe she loves me the BEST way she can despite the fact that I can say that my growing up in some respects was ABUSIVE...if that makes sense... BUT because of that background...the NARC's behavior did not find me raising an eyelash so when he would explode, I already knew that script...wait it out 5 minutes and things are back to normal...BUT that "normal" wasn't normal and each time it did something to me...it made me sick...but it was "normal?" I had been conditioned to accept this as normal...and never felt threatened because it was "Normal" "he is an Aries just like mom?"...kinda thinking... HOWEVER, there was a final blowout when I suspected he might be operating on the DL...and when I aked about that I hijacked his phone and disappeared. He found me and exploded in such a tirade I thought he was completely insane or was on coke or some drug...I had NEVER seen him that rabid...it was scary it was a rage that did leave me fearing for my life and I just sat there very calmly and let it go on. My friend's husband came outside and threatened to go toe to toe with him if he did not cease and desist. At that point I knew something was very wrong...it wasn't normal...but I was still in the dark about this illness... So about that rage...yes, they can contain it but I can testify that it can be very very dangerous and I was lucky to have gotten out...I think I got out before a REAL nightmare began although I did go through all the other forms of abuse but was unaware. He was very good at concealing it. P.S...No disrespect to the Aries folk...just that in my sleepydust, I thought that was the "explanation"...based on my limited experience...

#25 Mar 4 - 8PM (Reply to #20)

AquariusGal

Read up about Scorpios, they are worst

Aries do have bad tempers. Read up about scorpios and leo when they are angry. They are the worst deadly. I promise. Witness by many ladies too.

#26 Mar 4 - 8PM (Reply to #21)

IncognitoBurrito

Hey now!

Yes, my Scorpio can have a bit of a temper, it's true. But nothing compared to mine! (Scorpio all over my chart, just not sun sign.) :o)

#27 Mar 4 - 9PM (Reply to #22)

IncognitoBurrito

However...

Might be something to that Aries and Leo bit. Ha!

#28 Mar 3 - 2PM

onwithmylife

titta 22

my EXNarc never physically abused me, he came close to once but i got in his face, as he did to me, and he backed down but the RAGE was always there, just will hidden until he knew he 'had me' and then it appeared over the littlest, silliest things, like a few crumbs on the kitchen counter, a few strands of hair I forgot to remove when showering in the bathtub, anything set him off and the rage is not directed at us in the end, we get it, it comes from the rage he has within about his mother and how she destroyed the person he could have been, we were simply pawns in the chess game, nothing more, innocent bystanders shall we say...ALWAYS WALKING ON EGGSHELLS, THAT SUMS IT ALL UP

#29 Mar 3 - 2PM (Reply to #11)

Steph

you are so right about it

you are so right about it being about their mother. during the rage I described below, he actually told me I was "just like his mother". and on other occassions too. Creepy.

#30 Mar 3 - 2PM (Reply to #12)

onwithmylife

staying strong78

I will bet my last dollar the mother played the vital role in the improper upbringing of these toddler/men, he once said to me'you are not my mother' just because I made some suggestion. their issues with mommy are VERY deep.

#31 Mar 3 - 2PM (Reply to #13)

Steph

Very deep. I had a social

Very deep. I had a social worker and psychologist during my recovery and they BOTH told me that every woman in his life is a fill in for his mother, and he takes every emotion he has for his mother out on the woman in his life.

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