i'm freaking out

53 posts / 0 new

#1 Sep 26 - 4PM

kiwi10

i'm freaking out

i'm not having a good day at all :(
i keep dreaming about him, having that stupid self blame and thinking about how happy he is now.
then i start having revenge fantasies about filing charges for the abuse :(
i'm really having a hard time on the weekends. all my friends are with their husbands and nobody is available to talk. i feel like hell. help :(

#2 Sep 26 - 6PM

agnesmurphy17

Stop!

One year ago I was in your place. He is not happier with the other woman. In my case, I was contacted by the OW. Their relationship was miserable & ended in a restraining order against him. Do not apologize to him for not being friendlier at the party--you can't please him. This is why there is NC. Even seeing him at the party is a trigger for self-doubt & confusion. I know I would be set back if I saw my N or heard from him. When I'm lonely, I go out & look at people in the crowds, go to a cafe with a good book, a movie . . . something.

#3 Sep 26 - 6PM

AnotherPath

Keep reading as much as you

Keep reading as much as you can about the disorder..... as much as you can for a long time. His "happy life now"....... this is an illusion, there is no happiness in his life. His narcissism is a result of coping with his tragic painful rageful existence. His empty abyss doesn't leave him ever. The porn is just a way of escaping, the spending money the "bigging himself up" the new supply..... all of it is to keep him away from his true self. Inside is a completely broken rageful envious lonely disordered pathetic........ nothing person. That's why he has to pretend to the world he's something special. You know why they put you down and abuse, it makes them feel better that you feel worse than them. Who wants to live a life like that? It's no life, it's just a shit existence. Ok you're going through the aftermath and yeah it's awful to put it mildly BUT you will get through it, you will survive and thrive you will build a new life even if you can't see it yet. You have to go through this now, it's the process. At least you can say "well, it feel like shite but at least I've started on the road to the other side now" The ups and downs are part of it too. He will never be able to even peak over the fence, and who cares about his lack of recovery anyway, leave him to his doomed life. Two steps forward 1 back, slowly we all walk the road of recovery, to a life without abuse, now isn't that something to pat ourselves on the back for. We, all of us on this board are now walking on the journey of the other side. No going back.

Ending the dance

#4 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #50)

kiwi10

two steps forward three

two steps forward three steps back this weekend!! ugh

#5 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #51)

AnotherPath

Still looking in the right

Still looking in the right direction though x

Ending the dance

#6 Sep 26 - 4PM

gettinbetter

Oh Gosh Fierflie

I know how you feel. This weekend was tough for me too. We'll get there it just takes time. You sound so sweet I hate that you are hurting.

#7 Sep 26 - 4PM

fooled no longer

dont go backwards.

We all have these self doubt moments. If you think you are feeling crap now, imagine how shitty you will feel if you break NC and he messes with your head again, which he will. There is something to be said for moving to the other side of the world from these B stards, then there is no chance of running into them. If you knew he was a dangerous murderer would you try to avoid running in to him? well he is, a dangerous soul murderer. Talk to a councellor. stay on this board. Please dont!!! youre life can only get better. Keep fantasising about laying an abuse charge, he derserves to fry. Dont respond to his crap EVER AGAIN. (HUGS)

#8 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #47)

kiwi10

fooled no longer

thank you... i guess he is a soul murderer. why do the women he's hurt come back years later to talk to him??? WTF???

#9 Sep 26 - 4PM

kiwi10

i'm afraid i['m going to

i'm afraid i['m going to call him and oppologize for not being friendlier to him at the party... help

#10 Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

better off

Okay, let's think this

Okay, let's think this through. What will happen if you do that? So you're going to call and say, hi, it's me, I'm sorry for not being friendlier at the party." Then what will happen?

#11 Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #19)

kiwi10

nothing good.

#12 Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #20)

better off

Ah, yes, nothing good. I

Ah, yes, nothing good. I had a friend back when I was still wanting contact, and she'd always say, "nothing good will come of it." Some days I had to say that to myself a lot. Nothing good will come of it. But be specific in this case... what would happen?

#13 Sep 26 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

kiwi10

i guess there's no telling.

i guess there's no telling. he might say something like 'yeah, well thats ok. so why did you decide to come out' or something like that who knows... it was too hurtful to talk to him like an old friend. he borke my heart with a sentence just weeks ago, right after divorcing me... he despises sentimentality and emotion, yet he makes me feel bad about being selfish and shrewd. its like the only thing he responds well to is a robotic politeness.. i just can't do that...

#14 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #22)

better off

Wow, so you think you'd get

Wow, so you think you'd get off that easy from him? Or do you think he would, with your INVITATION, start abusing you again for your imaginary "crimes" against him? By apologizing for something, you would be inviting him to give you more blame. You've taken enough of his blame, fierflie, let him give it to someone else now. If he could break your heart again with one sentence, then I wouldn't let him have any more opportunities. So, as you know, the bottom line is, indulging this impulse will cause you nothing but pain. Lots of pain.

#15 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #41)

kiwi10

i want revenge :( i feel

i want revenge :( i feel like my life is over and he's just moving alone like a roach. the main reason i havent pressed charges is becaue it would keep me in even more obsession with him.

#16 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #42)

AnotherPath

The only time revenge comes

The only time revenge comes is when you've moved on and are glad to be free, glad to have a normal life which gave you a big lesson on the way so you can have a healthy relationship with yourself and ultimately with a loving healthy man. Please press charges if you still can. I did, it was so difficult at the time, but now 3 years later I'm so glad I took that opportunity to get him arrested and him have a criminal record for LIFE which he deserves. It was like the proof of his behaviour forever. Let it be your final present to him A CRIMINAL RECORD and now f@**ck off.

Ending the dance

#17 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #43)

kiwi10

anotherpath

the story is that i didn't, kept pictures and threatened him with them. because of that, i'm gettng about three years of support financially from him from a two year marraige... if i pressed charges now, he may file bankruptcy or do something nasty to get out of paying me, so it's something i have to consider. it would probably have to be a civil law suite, not criminal. its been about two years since he did it. i would be sueing for damages. the thing is, he's a family law attorney and it would DESTROY him if i did it. in fact, the local paper would have afeild day most likely. it's confusing, though, because i live in his house, and he's supporting me.. i just get confused about what i should do. the statute won;t run out until the end of the summer though...

#18 Sep 26 - 6PM (Reply to #44)

AnotherPath

Great, destroy him........ I

Great, destroy him........ I know about the bankruptcy thing in the uk. So I don't know where you're from. Firstly, they hold the bankruptcy thing over your head to try stop you from doing anything against them and CONTROL you. It's all hot air. Bankruptcy is a BIG deal, he won't want to do it at all. Sod the money he's giving you right now, because he'll more than likely stop that in a couple of months. If he files bankruptcy his share of the house if jointly owned goes into his debt. He then doesn't own his share anymore. You can then do a small buy out with the debt people He's not going bankrupt anyway, it's a threat, my exN used this one. Even told my lawyer he had when he hadn't. The biggest thing you have to get your head round, it's don't be in fear of him, of anything he says he's going to do. Be ruthless. Go for the criminal record if you've had advice from the experts who say you have a good case. If it's been 2 years this may change that,I don't know but you don't want to go down that road if you can't win. Get rid of the fear, see him for what he is, a pathetic low self esteem man who has to punch women to feel better about himself. He's a wimp, don't give him your power anymore.

Ending the dance

#19 Sep 26 - 8PM (Reply to #45)

kiwi10

it would be better to do

it would be better to do civil because i would get damages, and also if he offers me more money, i can take it back. the burden of proof is also on the defendant. i have two witnesses, and pictures that can;t possibly be fake or denied, plus an attorney who saw me the next day.... i can't decide whether i should though, because if i lay low i'm getting enough money (if i live frugally) to live off of for about two and half/three years.... i'm in the u.s.

#20 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #23)

better off

Also, just to suss it out...

Also, just to suss it out... what were you hoping to relieve by doing this? Even in a fantasy sense, like what was your mind telling you? What was the need? Do you get consumed by guilt? This was so minor, really, but the guilt overhwelms you anyway... so like michele was talking about in some different posts.. what is your mind doing? Where is the real source of this guilt? Because you gotta get to that, and when you do, then horrible people can stop making you feel guilty for things that don't even matter.

#21 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #24)

kiwi10

i do i do i feel so guilty.

i do i do i feel so guilty. i feel like i ruined my marraige, asked for too much... like if i had just trusted him he wouldn't have been so horrible. i feel like i ruined my one chance :( i know it sounds stupid.

#22 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

better off

Well, it doesn't sound

Well, it doesn't sound stupid but even you can admit that it sounds irrational. The rational part of your brain is off to the side going... that's not true, it can't be true. But the emotional side is going haywire. I think you feel guilty because for some reason, you always feel guilty. So people like this FUNGUS tap into your guilt. You felt guilty after someone brutally and methodically beat you with a belt. Something triggers that BESIDES this sicko that has been messing with your head THIS time. And this is important because, let's say you resolve this sitch "enough" with your narc, there will be another one around the corner, if you don't deal with these core feelings.

#23 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #27)

kiwi10

and then... he discarded me

and then... he discarded me because i was a big fat reminder that he beat me :(

#24 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #28)

better off

He discarded you because

He discarded you because they discard everyone.

#25 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #29)

kiwi10

he discarded me sooner then

he discarded me sooner then he discards other people

#26 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #30)

better off

Lucky You

Lucky You.. would you really have wanted the abuse to go on?

#27 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #31)

kiwi10

it seems like he just abused

it seems like he just abused me because he felt trapped and he didnt want to be with me anymore. i threatened him to tell the cops so he stayed. he abused me because i wasn't good enough i feel like.

#28 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #32)

better off

Is that why men should abuse

Is that why men should abuse women? Should men abuse and beat women, fierflie?

#29 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #33)

kiwi10

will he abuse someone who he

will he abuse someone who he is more compatible with

#30 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #34)

better off

That's not what I asked you.

That's not what I asked you. Should men beat and abuse women? Should a man beat and abuse a woman he is not compatible with?

#31 Sep 26 - 5PM (Reply to #35)

kiwi10

of course not :( but he says

of course not :( but he says he has never donee it to anyone else. i was just bad...

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