Need help with Cognitive Dissonance!

The Cognitive Dissonance ends when enough time has passed when you truly don't remember the good times or when you look back and see the good times really weren't so good. It's been 18 months since I had sex with him and 8 months since I've seen him. I no longer remember what it was like to love him. I don't even know who he is (and never did because he is just an illusion anyway). I spent one good year with him (if you can really call it good) and three nightmare ones. The one year was definitely not worth it. When I think about the times he was so loving in hindsight there was always something else going on. Now that I know what I know, I see all the lies. Did he take me nice places and buy me things? Yeah, but at what cost. I once got a $800 bikini and a $1200 beach bag because one night he said "____ I will always love you." _____ was not my name - it was another woman's. Because I would not drop it, he went out and tried to buy me. He just could not understand why I would be so upset. (Now I know he called me her name because we are all interchangeable in their minds) Every supposed nice thing, every declaration of love was followed up with a shitty thing. There is no dissonance anymore, he is a piece of crap - and always will be. The thing about your guy loveofmylife is that these predators are not in your face bad guys. If they were, no one would get involved with them. What makes them the evil predators that they are is that they are covert and manipulative. Their lies, and false caring, are intentional and designed to make you react a certain way. Your instincts tell you he is no good. Trust that. Of course he will call you and act all "soulmate" like. That is what he is good at, he has perfected this craft his entire life. Let me ask you if he really was your "soulmate" why does he treat you the way he does? Why is he on chemistry.com? Why aren't you together? I know you are married, but hey if you two really were soulmates you'd move heaven and earth to be together. The fact that you did not leave your husband is what is causing you a lot of this questioning. See because you did not leave him - you have this question in your mind like maybe it's your fault you and "your soulmate" are not together. But that's not true. I would bet my last dollar had you left your husband, "your soulmate" would be long gone. You never would have been together because he just doesn't care that much about you. He has had 20 years to prove his love to you. Has he done it? They love to tell you that it is something you did that was the reason you're not together. This is what eats away at your mind. You keep thinking you caused it - and we all know you didn't. Even if you two did end up together - would you still be together? Would this guy never cheat on you? It is impossible - that's who they are. You need to quit romanticizing him - he's not a great guy. Remember you have your 20 year history to back it up. If he was great - you two would be living happily ever after, you wouldn't be on this board with the rest of us who have experienced the exact same thing. If narcissism weren't real - there would be no forums, no books, no research by Hare - but there is - there is the same pathological behavior over and over again. The hardest part is accepting it - yep! it happened - yes you fell in love with an illusion. You can continue to believe that he is a great guy, but all that's going to do is waste more years of your life betting on something that's NEVER going to happen.

I am right slap bang in cognative diss so i know where you are at compleatly , i am 2 months no contact and slowly slowly the balance is begining to tip to more bad thoughts about him than good . I had a terrible day yesterday just crying and looking at photos , think i was going mad ect (just on the going mad point i have lost count how many times i have thought i was going to go mad but i always snap out of it so i can only assume i wont go mad which is a possitive .. i guess)My narc has played such a number on me there is no way i will able to contact him now . 2 years this has been going on 2 whole years , june the 6th 2008 was the first time he gave me the narc stare , i remember it and down i went like a lead ballon , he has been in my head ever since , not an hour goes by with out him being there and i want him gone . I tryed going semi contact and it does not work , it kept me in a loop of hope which just put my life on hold . Join me in no contact , did you get a no contact calendar , i have been ticking the days off like an advent calendar except there is no choclate just beer behind the windows !This is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through and that includes death of love ones ( which mades me double mad as how can this looser effect me more than the loss of my nana , which just goes to show you how toxic this guy is ). Sack this man , send him an email and sack him , i wish i could sack him , if my narc was in my employ he would be out the door so fast his sad arse wouldnt touch the ground . The thing that has tipped the balence for me has been sharing with all the girlfriends on here , all of our stoys are the same and the cure has all ways been no contact , not once has Barbara said "oh all right then just call him once " noooo it had been no contact he is not human no contact . Big love to you as i know how hard it is , it took me a year to finaly go no contact , like banging my head on a wall and finaly finding out that it hurts . Scoop x

First off - clearly you are not taking NC seriously. As Better Off mentioned there is NO reason any business conversation can't be done by email. Even if you didn't know it was him on the phone (which I doubt) once you do you quickly get off the phone and ONLY correspond as needed by email. You don't take your own vulnerability and the extent he has brainwashed you seriously. You seem to think you can have some contact and be fine with it. You can't. Didn't Barbara tell you to write up all the unpleasant experiences you've had with him in a list and keep it close. I thought she did. If not - DO IT. I also agree with Betteroff that the way you represent his connection with your company wavers. You have now talked about people who are wary of him ("bad man" and others)- that he's not the 100% glowing idealized asset to your business that you first talked about and I wonder why he's still in the picture.

So, how are his other girlfriends doing? His married emotional lover? His hookups from chemistry.com? They feeling okay? All soulmatey? Did he send them ecards last weekend? Funny how he wants to chat you up and be sweet right when he's worried about you talking to the bad man. Might need to talk about that financing, see if the bad man comes up. (And funny how *I* feel like I'm five years old when *I* use words like "the bad man.") Probably checking to see if you have a spinal column. And you just showed him that you don't!! THIS IS WHY YOU CANNOT TALK TO HIM. THIS IS WHY YOU CANNOT TALK TO HIM. THIS IS WHY YOU CANNOT TALK TO HIM. You do not need to speak to him on the phone or in person about anything. Anything business related he can ask you via email. NO PERSONAL CONVERSATIONS. Isn't that HIS rule anyway? ??? Is he your business partner? Or a contractor? He doesn't work there, so how is actually a business "partner?" The owner terminated him, so clearly he's not the owner's business partner. So how is he YOUR business partner? You seem to be using that term rather loosely. I don't get it. It doesn't seem like you ACTUALLY have any obligation to personally speak to him at all. So what he was doing was FISHING, and trying to exert control. Oh, and buy you. Because you're connected soulmates even though he discarded you and uses you for personal gain, whilst fucking anyone else that comes along meanwhile and lying about you to everyone else. Sounds like an amazing, amazing guy.