You are right. I think my struggles are making the shift from believing for 22 years that he was the most amazing person by a long shot that I've ever know, the closest person in my life, and my soulmate - I would do anything for him. So 22 years of deep feelings and thoughts and then seeing contradictions in the last year that has necessitated a complete mindshift. Something I never could have dreamed would have happened. I'm sure it will take awhile to fully internalize what I've learned; which causes me to flip back and forth about what my beliefs are about him. (I suppose that is what Cognitive Dissonance means, huh?)
Sprinkle that in with the moments where he seems like the original Prince Charming. Him seemingly caring about me deeply and helping me selflessly (getting a home refinance and offering $ for the business which he knows I am in desperate need of). In the past, I would have thought that it was a pure selfless act of caring, because he seemingly did lots of acts of pure selfless caring. But now, knowing that he has betrayed our relationship in the past, I sadly have to question his motives.
It kinda seems to me like he senses that you are growing stronger and he is losing his control over you. All he needs to do is engage you in a "Nice" but confusing conversation and BAM you will be putty in his hands again. I hope you continue to gain strength and distance yourself from him. My ex will not stop trying to win me back, but I can now see that he is just telling me what I want to hear. If we fall back into believing them it all starts again. That has been proven over and over to me...sounds like you have quite a bit of proof yourself.
He got you with the "fun" conversation about HIS fun weekend. It is a ploy. The creep i was with did it over and over for four years. He is sick and unkind. When you get NC for a while it will all make sense. Stay strong.
Peace. J
Push/Pull with my STBXNPH was before we married.
He would be the perfect man..then would magically appear with a sad mask saying he just couldn't see more anymore. It was so hard to understand, in fact, impossible. Three days to two weeks later, he would reappear with exaggerated romantic lines."I don't want to live without you", "I can't stay away from you"...(you get the jest)
Then it would start all over again. I would guess he did that about every two months, until we married. After marriage, he would just withdraw and give the silent treatment a lot, or let me know he was terribly unhappy...then back to Mr. Nice Guy. Push/Pull, Hot/Cold
Smart/Dumb Black/White Nice/Mean.........a veritable roller coaster, and after a while, the ride was no more fun.
I'm sorry, but I don't think you're not going to get the answer you want to hear. I know you want to believe that he is being virtous, and that he really does care. But he doesn't. This is still about him.
He is using the business to keep you on the hook. And you proved to him that he can do it. You had a one hour personal conversation with him and you said it felt "normal". That's because he was hoovering you, sucking you back in. It was all an act. And it sounds like it worked to an extent. Besides, if he refinanced his house yesterday and is telling you he can use that money for the business, he won't have that money to bring to you today. That was a lie that I noticed right away. Anyway, who would be willing to put their house on the line for a business they don't own? That would be really stupid.
And I'm sorry, but he's not trying to make amends. He's not concerned about your sanity or about you being overwhelmed. He's not even concerned about the business, unless there is something in it for him. I don't know exactly what he is after, but he's after something.
Hi,
It's great how you found so many reasons for his motivations for most of this post and then you answer it at the end.
'I can’t figure out if I am being used here or what his motivations are.
I know you really want to believe he is a good person. I know if I talked to my ex I would want to think that too.
he is not a GOOD PERSON
he is NOT even a 'person'
he's a mind-f*cking predator
stop this NOW
personal chats? are you KIDDING????
what does your THERAPIST say about this?
Phase 1? You haven't DONE Phase 1!!
~~~~~~~~~
Repetition does not transform a lie into the truth. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals
I would not be surprise if he calls you tomorrow to give you an excuse about why he doesn't have the money. What will the excuse be: Maybe, he will get hit over the head and robbed while walking to his car. If you get the money tomorrow, there will be a more devasting plot around the corner.
Wallaby
Motives
push/pull
Peace. J
Push/Pull with my STBXNPH
I'm sorry,
motivations
loveofmylife - stop the magical thinking
If It Quacks Like a Duck; It's a Duck