I made a list of his behaviors and characteristics that were consistent with what I learned to be true of narcissism and psychopathy. When I had a list of over 50, I didn't really need much else. I saw a therapist and mentioned just a few and he pretty much confirmed it. I made that session more about me and I didn't have him diagnose him, but he did say, "yeah, with those guy (narcissists) there is no inbetween. You are either on a pedestal or nothing to them.
I needed the list early on just to help with the cognitive dissonance. When you start remembering all that good stuff you miss, you have a reference on paper to remember all the bad.
Let's see...for me?
It started when we dated...pursuit/panic....come groveling back and make things better than ever, pursuit/panic..again and again.
Marriage...moods/lying/cheating/abuse/ financial humiliation/ verbal trash/withholding sex for years/fraud/abandoment/more lying/fighting more fraud/ morelying/more affairs....
DING DING DING DING DING BINGO!
He's a total bipolar/narc/with depression/anxiety/Jekyl/Hyde/Promiscuous/liar/manipulator/conman/all the psychopathic traits except female.....
but it took me 8 years of wasting a wonderful life.
That's how I knew. Wish I'd known sooner though.......I thought he was just another asshole?
Mine is just like gullablegull's as far as how it started and the marriage part. I too, wasted 13 years. One minute he was telling me how much he loved me and that he wished I loved him as much as he loved me. WTF?? Just because I didn't let him "fondle" me, in his words, all the time he thought I didn't love him.? Weird. Plus, I married him and had 2 kids with him so why ask me that? Then he would tell me months later that I was a bad wife, he would ignore me, refuse to come home etc. All that but you just claimed to love me so much..again weird. When he got the OW and I filed for divorce he would rake me over the coals with his lawyer, trying to manipulate and hurt me by trying to take everything, then he would text me 2 days later telling me he was thinking about me and missed me and I looked nice. I was a confused mess on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. I joined a single parent group and the women are wonderful and after telling my story one of them told me he sounded like a Narc. I began doing research and yep, textbook. He still to this day tells me if I had made it all about him and given him attention none of this would have happened. He forgets that in the beginning when I gave him all my attention he still lied and cheated. They are in a class of their own, for sure.
no formal diagnoses
just everything fit - with all my Ns... took me a while to come to the conclusion that a couple were sociopaths but after talking to some experts and being RIGOROUSLY HONEST WITH MYSELF about how exploitative they were... WE HAVE 'WINNER'!
you MUST read:
http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/04/10/rigorous-honesty-first-rule-recovery
YOU are the expert here - only YOU will know for sure.
~~~~~~~~~
Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals
Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller
I made a list
Welll.....
welll
littlestbird