scary experience

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#1 Aug 10 - 10AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

scary experience

I had a scary experience this past weekend. I did see the N and finally admitted to him after his asking if I could swim. I have been on the water with him every weekend for the past 2 years and he had never seen me swim. I finally told him that I almost drowned when I was small and I'm terrified of deep water now. I had put this off because of almost a fear of him drowning me. It's crazy because he's never hurt anyone but I see an evil in him that is scary.
So the rest of the weekend he made comments like... If I push you in that's a sure way for you to learn. He also shoved me on the dock and I luckily regained my balance before I fell in. He said he was just kidding and he would be my savior if I fell in. He made fun of me for being afraid and he made even more fun of me because I wouldn't let him try to teach me in front of all our friends at the dock. I had no intention of him showing me and he got really pissed and I fought back and told him to f-ck off! My fear of deep water is big and he has belittled once again. I don't care though. I know everyone has different fears of different things and it's okay. Doesn't make you inferior as he so wants to make me feel. So now I have confessed my biggest fear to him and worry he will push me in deep water. I guess my questions to all of you is..have you seen this side of the N before where you know they haven't killed anyone but there's something that prevents you from sharing your fears? I was even afraid to tell him I didn't like horror movies. Silly I know but I pictured him scraping his finger nails on my back window or something.

Aug 13 - 8AM
narcdx3
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Fear of Water

I have the exact same fear and my exhNarc was the same way. I hated to be near water with him. I feel that in a fit of rage yes that would have been an easy way for him to do me in because everyone knows I can't swim and that I panic in deep water to the point I would drawn. So never would I put myself on a boat with him nor would I be near water with him unless there were plenty of people to witness it! Crazy is crazy--don't trust them!!
Aug 11 - 1PM
better off
better off's picture

I think him belittling your

I think him belittling your fear is the least of your problems. The fact is he probably IS capable of pushing you into deep water and letting you drown. He is threatening you. You are feeling it. YOUR BODY IS TELLING YOU SOMETHING. You fear him doing it because HE COULD DO IT. For God's sake, get away from this man. He could drown you out there and nobody could prove anything. YOUR SON NEEDS HIS MOTHER. If you cannot leave this guy, please seek some real, actual help from a DV center or something. Seriously. We often talk about how much worse abuse gets after an attempt to leave.. this is factual. Once the dog gets out of the fence, they build a bigger fence. Or kill the dog.
Aug 11 - 5PM (Reply to #25)
Susan32
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It DOES escalate

My ex-Psych professor told me, "Move on. Don't think about me." I didn't give him my home phone number/address (since I no longer lived at the dorms) I got immersed in my teacher education program. Then I got falsely accused of being dangerous to children, summarily kicked out of the program without a chance to defend myself (it was a late night phone call from one of the professors, it's not as if I had a dismissal in person at the university) I still think he was behind it... because he was one of my personal references before the NC. I had attempted to leave. My friends and I were afraid what my ex-P was going to do next... but thank God he didn't know how to call me, and he didn't know where I lived. I ALWAYS felt threatened in my ex-P's presence. My body was telling me it. No wonder he'd always creepily say "You're defending yourself." I've never felt that tense in ANYBODY'S presence.
Aug 11 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
faithinthefuture
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Happy1

I agree with better off! Get away from him! The first time he does it he'll say...oh honey I was just playing. The second time he won't be. He's evil. His words to you and the belittling show that! I can be on a boat and be out in a lake but you try to get me in water over my head and I will panic!!! Your story scared the shit out of me!!
Aug 11 - 11PM (Reply to #19)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

faithinthefuture and better off

It has scared the living shit out me thinking about it after the fact. I waited 2 years to tell him this because something in me knew I needed to protect that secret. Not being able to swim is the scariest thing to me and I would be in utter and extreme panic if he pushed me in deep water for laughs. I really can't even imagine. I came home thinking... do I go to the YMCA now and learn how to swim? I'm just so terrified to try. I wouldn't tell him that I learned and I know I should for my son and myself. No one in my family can swim but I made darn sure my son could swim like a fish. I'm glad of that. I do remember hearing that story of the honeymoon couple and scuba diving terror. I can't even imagine and yet I can because this is the same kind of man I'm involved with. I don't tell him my fears for fear he will make them come true.
Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #24)
Used
Used's picture

happy1

happy ,the reason you didnt share this for 2 years with him, cos deep inside you knew you were with a "wrong un" as we say where i come from, you knew in your heart of hearts he was rubbish, i waited 19years to share something with exh, did i pay the piper or what?, he had a field day.
Aug 12 - 10AM (Reply to #20)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

Happy1

I think learning how to swim would be a great idea. But I wouldn't do it so that you can swim if and when this guy decides to screw with you. You have a huge fear of leaving this guy. Go no contact and challenge this other deep seeded fear to consume your focus while you put distance between him and you. Let the confidence you gain in the pool be the fuel you need to do this. Swim AWAY from him. If this were a movie you were watching, what would you be rooting for the protagonist with a young son to do? In Sleeping With The Enemy if I recall correctly Julia Roberts had to learn to swim, and put herself into the ocean at night to escape her husband. The only escape for her was him thinking she was dead. That isn't the case here. You're not married to this guy or trapped. All you have to do is walk away to save you and your son, Happy1. I know this isn't easy either, I am not being flip. But I can't even begin to imagine you ever being relaxed on a boat with this guy. And they do build higher fences every time you go back. They don't forget a slight. You have one person at this marina who sees what you see. That's all the validation you need. What will she think of you if you keep clinging to this guy she thinks is an idiot. How long will you have her respect if you continue to put yourself and your son in his company? Come on, Happy1. Put this guy behind you and get in the pool. We'll be here for you to cheer you on and your old friends will probably do the same. Hugs to You and Your Son
Aug 12 - 10AM (Reply to #21)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks for this note

Thanks for this note MovingOnUp and gosh I know you're absolutely right and it hasn't really been on my mind of "will I go NC" but "when will I go NC"? There's no question I have to and keep asking myself why I keep beating myself up by continuing with something that isn't there? Why do I keep thinking he is going to surprise me and do something good? Why do I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt? It's hard to say really why I'm even talking to right now. This week he is in Europe and says he has poor connectivity so he has sent me a one line note each day saying he is tired or busy but not what he is doing there supposedly on business. He hasn't asked me at all about what I'm doing. I've got walking pnemonia and I've been miserable and in bed and feeling guilty all week because I can't do my cart. I am miserable and feel miserable and have to take my son to sign up for school today. He has been cooped up with me all week and I feel bad for him too. So my N has no idea about my life and I don't share anything with him. He doesn't care so why share. I'm so miserable. Thanks and hugs back, Happy1
Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #23)
Used
Used's picture

happy1

i am not biegn flippant, but remember scott peterson. get away from this manchild
Aug 12 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

I'm sorry you're not feeling

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, Happy1. Please try to get plenty of rest. And I think the wanting to keep giving him the benefit of the doubt happens for a few reasons. First it does take a while to come to accept what these people aren't capable of. Love, understanding, true intimacy (sp) etc. Then you have to entertain the truth of what they are capable of -- causing great harm to those who love them. Whatever the reason, any comfort zone is hard to break out of regardless of how uncomfortable that zone is. We tend to fear the unknown. You're not alone there. N or not, comfort zones come to feel pretty damn comfortable. It sucks to love someone who doesn't give a shit about what's going on in your life. But it is all about them. Misery sounds like a good springboard for NC to me... But please do think about getting in the pool and learning to swim. Conquering that fear you've had since childhood will go a long way in helping you cope with whatever life throws your way. And your son would be so proud of his mom, who can now swim alongside him. Do you have a therapist, Happy1? If you don't, please look for one to help you through this for both you and your son's sake. I hope you feel better soon. Please take good care of yourself.
Aug 11 - 4AM
Mariline
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I remember once when we were

I remember once when we were at the swimming pool with my child ( I paid for the entrance and everything, of course ....I had this honour to provide him a pool). Well I was having pains ( I have a fybroid that sometimes annoys me) and I did not feel like swimming. And then he started. "Come on, get in the water. You will feel better afterwards. Come on. Come on swim. Come on have a bath. Come on. " Something like 200 times. It was a hammer. I answered politely "No thank you" for two hundred times then I felt like shouting and answered quite abruptly "NO!" He was so pissed off. "I just wanted to be kind." What? He wanted me to go in the water because I did not want it. That's it. Period. It was not an act of kindness and I did not perceive it as an act of kindness, because IT WAS NOT: they like to see us disconfortable or simply obeying to their childish wishes. "You must do it because I want to." Childish and scary.
Aug 10 - 5PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you my friends! I

Thank you my friends! I appreciate your support. It's strange to hear similar stories where we are afraid of our N's or P's in this way. I'm not sure which one mine is. 8-) Hugs!
Aug 10 - 3PM
Steph
Steph's picture

So you share an insecurity

So you share an insecurity with him and he uses it against you? Typical of an N. You should never have to feel afraid of someone that you love and "loves" you. The fact that you do, is a HUGE sign that you need to get away from this LOSER. Glad you're posting again:)
Aug 11 - 6AM (Reply to #12)
happydaysahead
happydaysahead's picture

Mine did it too.....

I too have a fear of water, I guess you could say. Once when we were in the pool, in the deep end, I was trying to swim towards the ladder. My N kept pulling on my leg and pulling me under the water and away from the ladder. I sort of went into a panic mode because I just HATE that feeling. He thought it was funny, of course he did. And another thing he would do and I am not sure what caused this to scare me so much, but he would lay on top of me and he weighs about 220 pounds and I could not breathe. I would ask him to get off cuz I did not like that feeling and would he, NO. Not until he was ready. And it got to the point where he would do it over and over and again, I would go into panic mode, but he didn't care. He would just laugh. Not sure if I am claustrophobic or maybe just NARCophobic, but he seemed to get pleasure out of making me panic and have that scared feeling.
Aug 11 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
Susan32
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That sounds sadistic

Narcissists can be cruel... but that sounds more Psychopathic, with the pleasure being taken in another's panic and fear. It's terrible he did that to you. What a slime.
Aug 11 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
naivenomore
naivenomore's picture

Whoa, that's awful!

THAT is just absolutely horrific! I never went through this with the N, but God I'm very angry that you had to endure this masochist! 'Probably used to pull fly's wings off when he was a kid, too, eh? xo
Aug 10 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Taking advantage of insecurities

You've got that nailed on the head. My ex-Psychopath professor used my feelings for him... against me. When my grandfather&pastor friend died, when I was mourning... he used both those occasions against me. He wanted me to feel as if everybody hated me, that I was needy, and of course, flaunting the girlfriend was for him the final abandonment. Ns use people's insecurities, but Ps are downright sadistic about it. Incredibly sadistic. I'd NEVER tell my ex-P about: 1)My 5 months of unemployment 2)Spending 5 years in a toxic/narcissistic workplace 3)How I wept myself to sleep during the D&D 4)The depression when I went back home 5)How I missed him What I'd tell him about: 1)My current success 2)Just how happy I am! Yes, they exploit weaknesses. That's what's so cruel about them. It's almost like "don't tell them about depression/anxiety, just tell them how you're happy and successful so they can slowly die from envy! They call it mercy-killing for a reason!" Besides, it IS legal to brag about yourself and how great your life is going. Sure beats the "I miss you and I'm crying all night."
Aug 11 - 2AM (Reply to #10)
broken23
broken23's picture

susan, now that i read your

susan, now that i read your post. i can remember. in reality i would be feeling scared or sad but i would always turn around and pretend the exact opposite...why? i had no idea. but apparently i knew instinctively not to let him know im down or upset because he would probably just make the situation worse by mocking me or making fun or me or exploiting it when it was to his advantage. yuck.
Aug 11 - 7AM (Reply to #11)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

Time to exploit their weaknesses?

My ex-P hasn't communicated with me in a decade (maybe because his Mommy and Daddy are watching his every move?)... God knows I'd probably mock him, or at the most, post his stupidity here for the mockery of all before deleting it. A decade ago, his words COULD hurt me. But it's been a long time since his words had the power to hurt me. My ex-P would mock and ridicule me after my grandfather died. My classmates were appalled when he did this... because he was the teacher and I was the student. He was even cruel when I was sympathetic towards him because HIS aunt was ill! It's terrible when you can't tell someone you're down, or feeling insecure. My ex-P couldn't stand being mocked. He was paranoid about being ridiculed behind his back (tho he did it to me for a whole 4 years) He can't rub my face in his non-existent success (like so many former Narcs/Psychs are doing to some of their former victims) He hasn't published his Wittgenstein book... tho one of his colleagues has. He was my teacher, and I could NOT tell him I was scared or sad, lest he tell me I needed to learn to "manage my feelings." But then again, now that I understand that Narcs (especially Psychs) DESPISE happiness, and that the success of others makes them sick with envy, I've found THEIR weaknesses. Yeah, I sent a mass email to my former professors (ex-P was on the list) just about how happy and successful I am with my writing, living in a beautiful place. Doesn't hurt to rub it in.
Aug 10 - 2PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Scary Stuff

Gee. And the reason you are with this man is? This weekend I read a book by Ann Rule. She writes lot's of true crime books about psychopaths. SHe has about 50 books. Anyhow, I was stunned when I read this book about a lawyer who murdered his girlfriend in Delaware awhile back. The tone of his e-mails to this woman, the things he said, some of the manipulations . . . my N could have been the author. Very creepy. The woman who followed me. SHe told me he left her on the bottom of the ocean while they were scuba diving. SHe had problem with her gear. She got up & was very upset in the boat. The partner is not supposed to leave the other. My ex-N, her N, was furious because she made him look bad in front of the other divers because he left her alone! He did not talk to her for two days. Then he bought a ring & asked her to marry him. So that's the brainwashing. Push 'em to the limit. And then be the savior with a proposal. Sick. Frankly, I think mine would be capable of murder to get the woman's wealth & material possessions--but he would have to think that he could get away with it. Let's say, a scuba diving accident?
Aug 11 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
better off
better off's picture

Killed scuba diving

Just recently, a guy murdered his wife on their honeymoon scuba diving in Australia. Someone caught it on video that he turned off her oxygen and swam up to the top. And that bastard only got convicted of manslaughter. Without the video evidence he probably wouldn't even have been charged. This stuff is not a joke.
Aug 10 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

happy1

the biggest mistake you can make with this lot is to confess a vunrability, from that day on the will exploit it ,before i told my husband i didnt like speed in a car, he used to not speed the moment i told him, he drove like a lunitic, and would be grinning at me, i have hundreds of stories wher he relized a fear in me and he played on it, another was i was afraid of the dark[there,s a suprise] i would be in the house he would turn the electric of at the main,s when i met nf, he asked me if i was afraid of anything i said, quite truthfully no, cos now after 31 years with dog of husband, what is there left[me] a shell, when he threatened to kill me , i said you cant ime already dead.
Aug 10 - 11AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Yes! They are a bunch of

Yes! They are a bunch of Sadistic Fu*ks!!! Its all about power and control So happy to see Happy1!! xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 10 - 10AM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

Happy1

(Glad to see you here!) Only have one thing to say...this guy is a sadistic f**k and you need to get away and stay away. If your gut is telling you he's capable of hurting then you know all you need to know. Take care of yourself pleeeease!!!
Aug 10 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thanks wholeagain! There was

Thanks wholeagain! There was something funny that happened this past weekend. I was with a new lady friend at the dock. I have no friends now because of my N so having her to talk to when I go there has been so great! She knows what he is and can't stand him. Anyway, he showed his true colors to her this past weekend which he usually has a good act going for everyone but me. He wanted to go for a sunset cruise. So I went up to get our things and ended up talking with her for a few minutes. Well I noticed he started pulling away from the dock so I ran down and asked him what he was doing?? He said he is going for a cruise and will be back. I thought he was kidding and said pull back so I can get on. He said 'no' and took off. I was ticked but then I laughed and went up to my friend. He thought he was punishing me for talking with another person. What a joke! We both laughed and all weekend she said 'how was that romantic sunset cruise for your N'. 8-) It does help to make light of things and see things for what they are.
Aug 11 - 9PM (Reply to #3)
tigger73
tigger73's picture

This guy is an insecure

This guy is an insecure idiot, from start to finish. YOU DESERVE MUCH MUCH BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!! And I do believe they are capable of murder. The looks my exnh used to give me for the first 3 yrs of my marriage, the looks could kill. He was very scary. He pushed me hard enough backwards that I flew back and hit my head so hard on the floor, I'll never forget how my head hurt for days. And I cooked supper and gave baths and went to work and read my babies stories and acted like nothing ever happened. WHAT???? I cannot believe I stayed in it. I really don't know what the hell I was thinking, now that I am out of it. I see it so clearly now. And there is a part of me that is so ashamed and embarassed that I stayed. I was such a fool, and put my children in harms way.