Still rambling...

I feel like I have to write some of my feelings today. I am so full of so many mixed emotions about her and how this has all gone down. This just may be my cross to bear. I really, really hope not! You guy's perspectives on all of this have been so helpful, and I thank you.

My best friend asks what number the gut ache is. For he and I, the "gut ache" is that horrible feeling of rejection, loss, disbelief and pain from the loss of someone you love. A 10 is where your in a fetal position, not eating or functional, smoking millions of cigarettes and sobbing. A 1 is where you still occasionally think about it, but with very little pain. I think I've been at a 2 - 4 for quite a while now. It just remains there, sometimes 2, sometimes 3 or 4. It's like I got over pneumonia, but a low-grade fever persists and just won't go away. I will be go glad to reach the point of where some of you are, of indifference and gratitude to have dodged the silver bullet.

I do feel, however, as my film projects progress into reality, it just may push me over the edge into serenity and acceptance. I'm still struggling with the idea of her sleeping with someone else, I admit it, but the more positive things that happen for my brother and I, the more validation I feel. The thing is, without her, I would not be here. She so inspired me to pursue this dream, and was a partner in our production company. My biggest cheerleader. It has just taken so long, as ALL films do, she lost faith. Why was I in LA if nothing was happening? I can go skiing and have sex with this guy in the office, so I'm done. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but you get the point.

Last night, my partners and I had a meeting with a very well respected, studio approved writer who was referred to us by the director of acquisitions of one of the largest talent agencies in LA, who wants to do the script re-write and take it to his friends at several major studios. He is extremely high on the story and thinks it's a winner. This is major for us. It takes our little French film, triples the budget and gets it done by a major player. That's huge. Yesterday, our production company was approached by another film maker to handle the production of a movie that he wants to do AND he already has the money! After the meeting, there was an email from him with the script attached (which was excellent!), asking our opinions! How about that!!

I feel like, when one of these things finally break, I will have some serious validation. Obviously, she is no longer involved, and I'm feeling some smug satisfaction that once she finds out, which she definitely will, she will throw up! The ship sails without her. That's good, and I'll love it. She was wrong about me and my vision and dreams, and she will have to live with it. But beyond that, this is very validating for me as a person, and I think that soon, this will all be a distant memory. Lets face it, I will be meeting some very cool people, traveling all over the world, and my income will go up tenfold, and it will all be without her! She is still in my heart, but not my life.

I just can't wait for this damned fever to break. It just can't be soon enough!!

Thank you all...

B